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Gone, But Not Forgotten
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Jan 8, 2009, 06:47 PM
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 Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222
im writing on the behalf of a friend, shes in a BAD situation. she fell in love with this guy. he was perfect at first, loving and caring towards her. gradually he changed, becoming agressive. frequently hitting her and intimidating her. this is due to his frequent drinking and drugs. now she is 10weeks pregnant, (which was planned). the last fight they had he hurt her badly, this including kicking her stomach. from the begining i tried to make her see sense that this man was no good for her, family and friends could not make her realise either. there relationship is on and off constantly, she will get the strength to leave, then he will sweet talk her to come back. and it always works. advice would be great to try and help. thankyou
Do you know anyone in her family Missy? You really do need to intervene. I'm sure you are worried that you may lose her as a friend if you do, but if you care about her enough you will do it. There is an innocent baby involved here, and this man is violent! She needs to get away from this imminent danger! Call friends, family members, a minister, or anyone who you know cares about her safety. I would also suggest calling the police dept. where you live, and ask them to put you in contact with your local victims assistance unit. Explain what is happening with your friend. She doesn't even have to know that you've called. They will give you advice on how to handle a situation like this. Make them aware of the situation, because ANYTHING could happen, and how would you feel if you sat back and didn't do anything if she or her baby is hurt or worse. You have this information. You need to use that info to help! Put your friendship ahead of your reservations, and do what you need to do to help your friend and her baby. Even if it means that your friend will be mad at you. Would you rather she be mad?. or dead?
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Ultra Member
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Jan 8, 2009, 06:59 PM
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I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? Then what? He'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.
Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..
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New Member
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Jan 8, 2009, 07:44 PM
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 Originally Posted by ylaira
I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? then what? he'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.
Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..
I agree with this and I disagree people don't understand what is in this girls head until they have been in the same situation she knows she being mistreated but she is telling herself it will get better and then she is in complete denial... and she probably thinks she is worthless and can't get nothing better... or she probably even thinks the reason she is getting hurt is her fault.. noone has a right to judge people in this situation and also do you know if he threatens her if she were to leave... most guys will threaten the people she is closest to and she would rather be hurt then the ones she loves... that and she may not want to lose the father of her child... but I do agree also she has to want it to end no one else can make her not even the cops... and calling the cops won't do any good because she will deny it so that won't do any good... and it may go on for years or it may not no one can know.. if she wants to talk she can also talk to me because I have been in this situation and I will definitely not judge her at all
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Gone, But Not Forgotten
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Jan 8, 2009, 07:49 PM
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 Originally Posted by ylaira
I'm sorry starbuck but I can't help to hate people who allow themselves to be abused over an over. There's nothing you can do with this unless that abused person would want to stop it. You call police for her? then what? he'll "woe" her back, charges will be dropped and things will happen over and over again. It's just so annoying.
Missy you are a good friend and I just wish you won't get tired because this will go on for years..
Ylaira, don't hate those people. Really, please don't. That is giving up on them when all they really do need is help. They don't stick around because they are stupid people. They stick around because they have low self esteem, and most often don't know any better, and don't think they deserve better either. Yes, there are the ones that seem to be drama queens, and they just like conflict, but they honestly really don't. They are looking for someone to love them, and that's why they return. They most often know that the same thing will happen again, but there is just that glimmer of hope that it won't. Most of us know that the exact opposite will happen, and that the abuse worsens. So when you give up on them, they give up on themselves too and therefore think they don't deserve to be treated better than they are. That is why your comment made me a little upset. I've been in a relationship like this. I was in it for many years, and I had people say things like you said. All it did was encourage me to stay, as if that was my fate. People like that need people to step forward, not to back away.
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Ultra Member
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Jan 8, 2009, 08:02 PM
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I got a neighbor before where the guy beats his wife 3-4x a week. It's very scandalous since our houses are almost just a wall away. This woman got 5 kids, all just months in between. She doesn't work and depends solely on her husband's income that's why she stays. Her kids were minor at that time and she can't support them if she decides to leave. You know only when it stopped? When the woman died.
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Gone, But Not Forgotten
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Jan 8, 2009, 08:05 PM
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 Originally Posted by ylaira
I got a neighbor before where the guy beats his wife 3-4x a week. It's very scandalous since our houses are almost just a wall away. This woman got 5 kids, all just months in between. She doesnt work and depends solely on her husband's income that's why she stays. Her kids were minor at that time and she can't support them if she decides to leave. You know only when it stopped? When the woman died.
That's too often what happens. That's so sad! :(
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Ultra Member
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Jan 8, 2009, 08:18 PM
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I forgot to ask Missy why her friend stays? Money? If you'll help her get a job would that help?
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Full Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 03:49 AM
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He has no money, and if he does it goes on drugs and drink. She has money problems but she also has help from her family and me. So I don't no why she keeps going back, love? I don't know how she can love someone who treats her like dirt
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Junior Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 04:25 AM
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Very simple decision from the outside, difficult decision for her to make while she is on the inside.
It is a no brainer. She has to leave NOW. She has to walk out the door, and think of the baby. You then go round in a couple days with friends to collect all her stuff, and she leaves this guy to go get help.
If he seeks help and sorts his life out (for the sake of the child) then he might be able to play a part in the child's life.
She has to get out asap. If it is not now, maybe it will be when the worst case scenario happens, then she will have even mor grief to deal will.
If you're the friend, you need to sort her out!
Good luck
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New Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 04:41 AM
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 Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222
he has no money, and if he does it goes on drugs and drink. she has money problems but she also has help from her family and me. so i dont no why she keeps going back, love? i dont know how she can love someone who treats her like dirt
Yeah she probably loves him deeply it natural and we don't understand how and why people stay in these relationships but what we don't realize is they are stuck didn't you say he was great in the beginning? Which is why she started loving him and now that he has changed you can't turn off love I don't care who you are and what the reason may be... she is having a battle with herself deep in her heart she knows she needs out but he is in her head saying all the things that make her have a low self esteem and why leave she juss be alone for ever? Even though it sounds easy for you and me its not... she really is in love with this guy the main reason she can't leave and the fact its hard to say what he has told her and the fact she probably is very insecure... she can talk to me through my Yahoo at
*********if she wants someone to talk to I cacn try my best to hellp her
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Full Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 04:48 AM
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Thanks for your advice, you are right. You can't help your feelings and I don't understand hers. I feel frustrated with her because I'm trying my best for her, and I finally think she see's sense and then she goes back. Her family is frustrated to. She is only 10weeks pregnant and she says she doesn't feel pregnant, so hopfully when the more physical effects occure she will realise that her baby is real and needs protecting.
I find that she will say that she is never going back, but signs show otherwise. Like she will try and phone him and I will stop her. And say over is OVER.
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Expert
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Jan 9, 2009, 09:30 AM
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You're a good friend but your only delaying the inevitable. She needs help true, but she will never leave until she knows how dangerous she is living and gives up hope he will change. All you can do is hope your there to call the cops, but short of trying her up, and getting a lot of people to talk to her, it has to be her decision. She is lucky to have you in her life. That in itself helps.
****************************
On a side note to protect your privacy, please use the PM's to exchange personal information.
Thank You.
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Full Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 09:34 AM
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Thank you, your advice is a great help. At the moment they have separated, hopefully for good. This situation is crap, and I will always support her, that's what friends are for. Thanks again
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Junior Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 10:31 AM
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Maybe taking her to a battered women's shelter and letting her talk to people who have been there and escaped would help her. She may feel like nobody understands her even though you and her family mean well. Advice from someone who has been there might help her realize this isn't normal and she isn't alone. Abusers destroy their victim's sense of self and that's very hard to overcome. Some professional counseling may help as well. It's very hard to watch someone go through this but unless they decide they are done being treated that way the drama will continue.
Good luck and stick by her, she really needs you whether she knows it or not.
Ber
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New Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 11:17 AM
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 Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222
thanks for your advice, you are right. you can't help your feelings and i dont understand hers. i feel frustrated with her because im trying my best for her, and i finally think she see's sense and then she goes back. her family is frustrated to. she is only 10weeks pregnant and she says she doesnt feel pregant, so hopfully when the more physical effects occure she will realise that her baby is real and needs protecting.
i find that she will say that she is never going back, but signs show otherwise. like she will try and phone him and i will stop her. and say over is OVER.
It can be frustrating and its bad to say but even though she needs her family they are not the best influence right now only because they don't understand why she is putting up with what she is and she may be getting a lot of heat from them there is nothing worse then hearing "i told you so" or to have someone nag on you about something you can't really prevent. I know when I was in her place I didn't really talk much to my family because they also were frustrated and I knew I had let them down so it made things a lot worse and then I felt like I wouldn't have no where to go... its a depressing situation that seems like you can't leave because no one does understand and you feel alone because everyone wants to give you a hard time... so what this girl needs is support she needs you but don't prreach at her because that will make it worse juss be there for her... and she NEEDS to understand she has a baby in her whether she feels it or not because if she loses the baby he will blame it on her and she will blame it on herself... has she started going to the doctor?? I juss had a little girl and I couldn't ecept the fact I was pregnant but the first time I heard that heartbeat was amazing and the first time I got an ultrasound even better... maybe you can get her one of those montors at walmart I'm not sure what they are called but they are for the parents to put on the belly and you can listen to the heartbeat at home without going to the doctor so whenever she is depressed and feels alone she can listen to it and feel like she has a reason to fight and keep going that may help...
Keep me posted on her I know whjat she is going through so I would really like to help this girl as much as possible!
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Full Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 11:42 AM
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OK some development here, they have been split up for about 2days? I think. A few phone calls between them but not many, she received a text saying "look after my baby for me". What a ,man, he isn't interested at all that he has created a life. What should she do now? He wants to go in the army. Don't think he will last long as there isn't any drink or drugs there. Should she cut contact as he is not interested, I'm pointing her in that direction. Is this wrong? I'm not sure. If he is not interested should she pressure him. Personally I think she would be better of without him in their lives. Any more advice please?
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Gone, But Not Forgotten
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Jan 9, 2009, 01:16 PM
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She has a baby to think about now! She should definitely cut all contact with him. If he chooses to have contact with his child after it is born, he will have to go through the courts, and be evaluted because of his abusive nature. Right now your friend needs to take care of that baby, which means the baby's needs have to come first, and that includes taking steps to cut all contact with father unless it concerns the baby's health.
I don't know if he will even be able to enter the army. He will need to go through drug and alcohol screening. Also, although I absolutely respect the men and women that fight for our rights, some people just should not be allowed to enlist. Some with a background of drug and alcohol abuse, that is a violent person to begin with, will only be more abusive when he leaves the army. I've seen it many many times. Domestic abuse and it's intensity increases.
It is NOT wrong for you to be telling her to stay away from this man. He could hurt her badly! He's already hit her, and kicked her in the stomach. It if starts like that, it will only increase in intensity! Her life and her baby's life are in danger if she goes back to him. She should stay very far away from him.
I believe I mentioned before to contact your local victims assistance unit through your local police dept. Also, she can get free help and support from a woman's shelter. They will help her with counselling, and other services to help her and her baby. Most will even provide free room and board until her baby is born if she needs a safe place to go.
You owe it to your friend to do all you can to keep her away from this violent drug and alcohol abusing sorry excuse for a man.
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New Member
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Jan 9, 2009, 06:42 PM
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 Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222
ok some development here, they have been split up for about 2days? i think. a few phone calls between them but not many, she recieved a txt saying "look after my baby for me". what a ,man, he isnt interested at all that he has created a life. what should she do now? he wants to go in the army. dont think he will last long as there isnt any drink or drugs there. should she cut contact as he is not interested, im pointing her in that direction. is this wrong? . im not sure. if he is not interested should she pressure him. personally i think she would be better of without him in their lives. any more advice please?
Its good that she is away but that won't last long if they continue to talk... but if he sent her a text saying look after my baby for me he's doing 1 of two things either he is done with her for his own reason or he is trying to make her fill guilty so she will come back... and the same for the army thing he may really want to go OR its to make her think crap ima lose him... and its not wrong to point her away that's what she needs... if he doesn't want to be the dad that's fine leave it as that if he does I would let him visit her with supervised visitation but I would definitlely wouldn't pressure him into bebein a dad if he didn't want to be
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Full Member
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Jan 11, 2009, 08:16 AM
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A hit of reality
Reality has hit me HARD, I know there is different stages of emotions that you experience when you go through a break up, they seem to repeat a lot. But now I'm experiencing a new one, which has scared me... I see through my ex, I can see what kind of a person he is, a crule, selfish, immature person who seems to think it is acceptable to hurt me.
The scary part is that I gave ALL of myself to him, I depended on him, I made him my world,after doing all this he broke it all down. The annoying thing is, is that it is the first time I have given myself to anyone. And I though he would be the last person to treat me so bad, and make me cry so much.
There is so many questions, how/why can he do this? was it all in my imagination that we had something?
Moving on will be hard, when he has moved on so quick
I know its going to be hard to move into a next relationship without thinking back about this relationship. I will have a trust issues with the next man, I will be scared of being broken hearted again. I don't think I can doit this all again. Its to draining. Experiencing this has made me wary. Reality has scared me.
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Ultra Member
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Jan 11, 2009, 08:20 AM
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There are four stages of grief, thus when you lose someone you experience these stages (Google them if you want). The best thing to do is let these stages happen, as there is no time frame for them.
You will know when you are really on the road to recovery when you no longer harbor any ill will towards the ex. It takes a lot more effort to be mad at someone, thus it is wasted energy in the end. You will also get to that stage as well.
As for now, continue on your road to recovery, and let things happen as they may.
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