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Kia · Dec 22, 2008, 04:55 PM

Entire story merged to get all the facts

First off I am an african american female. I asked my boyfriend of 9 months. Why he likes me, and he said he didn't know; he just likes me for me. Then he told me to ask him again later. Now he has told me he loves me before, but hardly ever compliments me on my beauty. When we met he always talked about women that he has dated in the past and associated lightskin with beautiful all the time. He would say stuff like " she was lightskin and fine". He also said he didn't want to date lightskin women because they are too much trouble. I asked him about the color issue before, and asked him to stop talking like that as if lightskin was the only beautiful there is. So, he stopped. So far I have seen 2 of his his past gf's and they were both very fair-skinned. I am a brown tone, so that's why I asked why he likes me.
So I'm a little stumped. Does he really think I'm special; or just not too much trouble. I am a little bothered, but I'm not sure if its because of my own insecurities or not. Would like some other opinions, thanks.

TrueFaith · Dec 22, 2008, 05:01 PM

Stop over thinking this god.

He is with you yeah? OK.

You know what I tell my girlfriend. I don't date blonds because they are insane.. now my view I love the way the look. They are really sexy to me.. but nearly all the ones I met are just not my typ.
A lot of my Xs are much more (Pretty) than she is?
Does it matter? Not at all
Because I am with her

She has darkhair. And of latin blood and I love her to bits :)

You think she calls me Hair Coloriest? Or tells me to stop.

I'm sure he loves being with you. And yeah you are probable a lot les trouble than the so called lightskins.
But that's not a bad thing.
That's a good thing!

Get off the color horse ;) and get back down to reality and stop feeling so : insecure.

I really think this world has gone way Political correctness mad!

talaniman · Dec 23, 2008, 08:15 AM

I am a little bothered, but I'm not sure if its because of my own insecurities or not. Would like some other opinions, thanks.

Deal with the insecurities so you can enjoy the guy.

Kia · Dec 26, 2008, 09:03 AM

I have been dating & living with this guy for about 8 months. He is financially stable and I am not. I have serious financial problems and he knows it. We got in an argument last night and he again told me that if I want to leave that I can, in the middle of the argument. He said it a few times. I am so hurt by this , and don't know what to do. He knows my situtation and I feel he is using it against me. I want to talk, but I don't feel comfortable trying to talk to someone who has told me that I can leave. I'm 28 and I don't want to go back home to my parents. The only thing available for me is a dingy basement & the embarrassment of being 28 and living at home.

I am really upset over this situation because all of this was mostly over him still talking to his ex- girlfriend. He knows I hate it and he has been doing it since we first got together. That situation caused drama in the beginning. I'm not perfect but there are certain things that I feel that a boyfriend should not do if they care about the person they are with.

I just can't believe how cold he is being to me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any opinions would be appreciated, thanks!

lonelyplacid · Dec 26, 2008, 09:43 AM

Hello Kia,

I am in the similar situation as yours, but I am a guy... my girl and I were together for 3 yrs, and she just left everything because she still has feelings for her ex and my problems added to the fire and I am going through a hard break up... My sincere advise to you is, talk to him and ask him to be very frank about what he thinks about the relationship. If you compromise and think that things might get better with time, it will only worsen the situation, that's exactly what I did may be, I was afraid to talk to her about her ex and used to get very upset and angry about that issue and even scolded her harshly. All that anger by me, my words, acted against me and she slowly staarted thinking about only the bad things about me, even though I looked after her like an angel.So, its very important that you both sit and talk openly and be very frank to each other and take a good decision. It might be hard for you, but please don't compromise...

wolfgangqpublic · Dec 26, 2008, 10:02 AM

I think you need to consider HOW he is talking to his ex-girlfriend. Just to put things into context, he's been with you for 8 months and has been doing this the whole time. Do you have any reason to believe he is being dishonest? Who initiated the break-up?

Kia · Dec 26, 2008, 11:33 AM

When we were first dating, I got a phone call from her saying how he was living with her and she just kicked him out, and how he's shady and nasty, and she just found out about me and other women, blah blah...
Basically badmouthing him and calling him a dog.
HE told me that they were together but she was cheating so he didn't say anything and went out & met me. Then he told her he had met me & she got upset. He said he never lived with her; just stayed with her 2-3 times out of the week. He complained to me about how horrible she was for about a month after.

So, since then about 10 months ago, he still calls her. He always has a different excuse( I owe her money, we're not friends, but not enemies, I told her about you, etc.)

My point is if you hate her so much ,and also what she did( calling me & stuff), why are you still talking to her? You know it hurts my feelings, but you continue. He even lied & told me he was going to stop talking to her.

His response is either nothing, or trying to bring up things about me he THINKS I've done & calling me shady for no reason. He also always talks about how he comes home all of the time & he doesn't go out like that, that he's not charging me rent..
But when I see that you are still calling this SAME chick & another chick walked through the door with her own key( another story in itself) , what am I supposed to think?

Now, when we argue he tells me I can go if I want. I yelled at him that I was trying to talk about our relationship, not saying I was leaving. But the fact that he kept saying that has really hit a cord with me; making me feel unwanted altogether...

TrueFaith · Dec 26, 2008, 11:53 AM

hey Kia. I'm sorry but this guy really sounds like he could not care less about you

you have told him how you feel about him contacting his X yet he says nothng and does nothing to address your feelings.

He is selfish in this matter. And does not care if you stay or go
why.. because he probable has the X to fall back on if you leave.

If I was you. I would move out. And go to your mom and dads place. Until you get back on your feet
come on. Not all of us are stayble 100% of the time.
and when we are not. We don't need all this crap going on.

reduce the pain and leave him girl.
you have tried talking to him. He does not care
you have tried to be understanding
it does not work.

So you have 3 options
1. stay with him. And put up with all this crap and don't say anything. Because it won't do you no good

3. stay with him because you are scared to be alone

4.Leave him, find your own feet and move on and find someone that will listen to you and gives you the love that you want and need

all the best

ja77 · Dec 26, 2008, 12:08 PM

Kia you need to put your cards out on the table and have a very open talk with your boyfriend about all the stuff in your post.

It sounds that you maybe with a bit of a player, that he feels he can treat you any way he wants because he knows that you have no place to go.

Family is one of the most important things in our lives and if you have a good relationship with your parents there really is no shame in moving back into there house why you get back on your feet, you just have to rememeber to live by there house rules.

But I really do feel that you need to have a good long talk with this person and makes your moves from that.

Justwantfair · Dec 26, 2008, 12:33 PM

Originally Posted by Kia

When we were first dating, I got a phone call from her saying how he was living with her and she just kicked him out, and how he's shady and nasty, and she just found out about me and other women, blah blah...
Basically badmouthing him and calling him a dog.
HE told me that they were together but she was cheating so he didn't say anything and went out & met me. Then he told her he had met me & she got upset. He said he never lived with her; just stayed with her 2-3 times out of the week. He complained to me about how horrible she was for about a month after.

So, since then about 10 mos ago, he still calls her. He always has a different excuse( I owe her money, we're not friends, but not enemies, I told her about you, etc.)

My point is if you hate her so much ,and also what she did( calling me & stuff), why are you still talking to her? You know it hurts my feelings, but you continue. He even lied & told me he was going to stop talking to her.

His response is either nothing, or trying to bring up things about me he THINKS I've done & calling me shady for no reason. He also always talks about how he comes home all of the time & he doesn't go out like that, that he's not charging me rent..
but when I see that you are still calling this SAME chick & another chick walked through the door with her own key( another story in itself) , what am I supposed to think?!

Now, when we argue he tells me I can go if I want. I yelled at him that I was trying to talk about our relationship, not saying I was leaving. But the fact that he kept saying that has really hit a cord with me; making me feel unwanted altogether...

I don't think this guy knows how to have a healthy relationship and it sounds like you were and still are giving him a lot of benefit of the doubt, perhaps TOO much.

If you are having financial difficulties, maybe you do need to move back home and get yourself back on your feet. Lay low get your life back together, move back out when you can live on your own and not be dependent upon someone else. You have talked yourself into being dependent on this man and you have given away any hand you will ever have in this relationship.

You are letting him treat you as insignificant and you are going to feel that way if you continue to allow him to treat you as such. You need time to focus on you, your life isn't about him.

I don't believe that his relationship with his ex is an issue, but the way he is responding to your concerns is an issue. Not to mention the another women with a key to the apartment issue that you didn't elaborate on. Take care of you.

talaniman · Dec 26, 2008, 03:46 PM

Would you rather be embarrassed by living at home with your parents, while you regroup, or keep putting up with his crap. It's that simple.

Kia · Mar 16, 2009, 06:21 PM

My boyfriend never compliments me on anything. I'm starting to feel insecure about myself. We've been living together for a year, and he has complimented me ( with a little push) only twice. Ive said something about it maybe once, but I don't want to be the woman who seems insecure and needy. But... I do feel it. What should I do?

chuff · Mar 16, 2009, 07:15 PM

In his defense, maybe he doesn't realize he is supposed to be doing this. I mean he moved in with you so I assume he must have some pretty deep feelings for you. You say your starting to feel insecure, but that's your problem. He's not putting you down, so how you choose to feel is not dependent upon his kind words.

JoeCanada76 · Mar 16, 2009, 07:19 PM

Can not say it any better then Chuff.

He moved in with you. That is a major sign right there. Positive sign and together for a year.

Let me ask you a question? Do you ever give him any compliments?

Kia · Mar 16, 2009, 07:31 PM

I guess not really, but that is because he used o talk about himself a lot in the beginning and kind of say stuff like " don't I look good today?" Or " I am a handsome man aren't I!" That's why even if I think I might want to complment him & I think twice because I feel he already compliments himself in his head enough. So, I've been waiting to here something nice about me, but it never comes. Or the two times it did come I had to ask him first to see if he liked something about my hair, or something fitting on me

chuff · Mar 16, 2009, 08:08 PM

Originally Posted by Kia

because he used o talk about himself alot in the beginning and kind of say stuff like " don't I look good today?" Or " I am a handsome man aren't I!"

Was he joking? Because I say stuff like this all the time.

Originally Posted by Kia

Thats why even if I think I might want to complment him & I think twice because I feel he already compliments himself in his head enough.

I can't believe I'm going to say this. If he's joking, joke back with him. When he says "do I look good today?" say back to him, "not yet, but the day's not over" or something similar.

Originally Posted by Kia

So, I've been waiting to here something nice about me, but it never comes. Or the two times it did come I had to ask him first to see if he liked something about my hair, or something fitting on me

So he's like every guy?

If you want him to do this, the only way is to tell him. But even then it doesn't sound like his nature so I don't see permanent change. I understand your point, but we see posts here from girls who are verbally abused, their guys run them down and make them feel like crap. Your guy isn't doing any of that. Your lack of complments from him is giving you a false sense of insecurity. Don't fall for it and blame him for something he doesn't even know he's at fault for?

talaniman · Mar 17, 2009, 03:32 PM

If you have insecurity problems they are yours to deal with, do so.

Kia · Jul 16, 2009, 06:41 AM

Okay, so I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. The living together part was pretty premature, and we have had a lot of issues, but we are still going at it. I love him & has said that he loves me. Anyway, I told him that I wanted to come to his job and have lunch/ take him out etc. He said he may be too busy today, and I understand due to the nature of his job. But he said something that I wanted to ask others opinions about. He said we have been "dating" for a year and I have never asked to come to his job.

The term "dating" seems so casual to me since we are living together. We don't talk about marriage or anything and I am not ready anyway. But that terminology seems so funny to me. Am I overreacting?

Also, there is this chick that he flirt texts a lot at his job. He told me if I saw her I wouldn't be worried about anything; but I always see these texts where it looks like he is pursuing her. I don't understand. I want to confront him, but we argue so frequently that I have just been trying to be relatively peaceful. But, I do have this question in my mind. It was one of the reasons that I wanted to stop by his job for lunch so I can see who this chick is. So... with all of this am I being silly; or should I try to confront these issues.

I wish · Jul 16, 2009, 06:50 AM

Avoiding confrontation is just going to build your fustration. If the two of you can work out your issues, then maybe it's better to go your separate ways. Relationships take hard work and both of you have to be able to answer the difficult questions.

On a side note, it seems more like you don't trust him. No trust, no relationship. And the more you accuse him of having an affair (when it's not true) the more you will push him away.

You have been together for 1 year, but your relationship sounds very unstable at the moment, so marriage isn't something close-by. 1 year is not as long as you think. You have to iron out your isseus first and have a stable relationship before considering marriage.

roxypox · Jul 16, 2009, 06:56 AM

I think that the word: dating, in itself is used in several different ways... personally I would say that since you are living together you are a couple and you're no longer dating (of course this is my personal opinion) in order to be a couple the people involved has to have a mutual agreement in place that they are a couple. (of course this is how I see it)

With that said...

As for the girl, it really depends on his personality as well has your relationship.

Does he have a flirtatious personality?

Also all couples define their limits in different ways. Some thinks its OK for their partner to dance with other people if their out, some thinks its okay for thair partner to flirt but not act on it... etc etc.

If you are uncomfortable with his flirtatious behavior towards this girl, even if he tells you that you wouldn't be worried about it if you ever saw/met her... it still seems to me from your OP that this behavior makes you uncomfortable and that there is a level of mistrust towards him...

And it seems like it might be a good idea to have a chat about it. Of course there are different ways to have a chat like that... but it seems like its better for you to have that talk, rather then avoid that talk.