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kctiger · Dec 10, 2008, 01:25 PM

Exactly... I promise you that you will be back to square one. As a matter of fact, I have found that in these situations, I actually feel worse than being in square 1.

HistorianChick · Dec 10, 2008, 01:37 PM

The reason I was asking why you broke up in the first place was because you DID break up for a reason. You went NC for a reason. If you break it, like KCT says, you'll lose all that you've gained.

It won't be "just like it was before" because your worlds have changed. You've split up and you're no longer a couple. That is very different then before.

If you go NC, you go NC. Period.

NC is not a game, its not a means to an end, nor is it a way to "get back" at someone, or try to maintain order. It is a healing measure, meant to heal your heart and help you move on.

Visiting her does nothing to heal your heart, nor does it help you move on.

talaniman · Dec 10, 2008, 03:45 PM

Make other plans. Stop playing with your feelings with these NC games. Either your moving on, or getting a temporary fix by visiting her then its over.

Do you honestly think she will take you back while you visit her?? I don't and your fooling yourself if you do.

talaniman · Dec 10, 2008, 03:51 PM

To avoid confusion, your last two threads were merged. Not necessary to start another post to get more feedback, just stay with this one, and participate and let it evolve.

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

turtleneck123 · Dec 11, 2008, 07:32 AM

I finally responded to her online last night after she asked me to please stop ignoring and wanted to know if I was still coming. I answered her because I was concerned about my plans going up there. She tells me she wants me to come and then she says it might be awkward because we aren't together and haven't talked. She said she wants me to come like I said, but doesn't want to get back together and wants to be on her own for awhile. I said I know its over and we aren't getting back together but she loves to throw in that she sees us in the future together, which is just trying to break it easy to me. Then she was asking if I wanted to go with her and her friends on New Years or what my plans were. I told her if there are going to be boundaries I can't stay with you, thatll be weird. She said again she didn't know what the exact boundaries would be if there are. Then she started getting an attitude because I was asking these questions and she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I said I needed for her to tell me today if I should come or not and if it will be awkward then Im not and she agreed.
If we could just put things aside and enjoy the time I'm up there, I don't think it would be awkward unless she puts me in the friends' zone. She said that won't happen. I asked her how it would be around her friends and she said just like we were together, I could hold her hand, kiss her, etc. Then eventually the possibility of boundaries came up as per other things, even though she expected me to sleep in bed with her because she said when we fight, she is not about doing things like that. If no fighting and there are boundaries that's where I see awkwardness coming up. I just don't get after 3.5 years how it could be awkward and there are boundaries. Could her feeling change that quick? Why would she be about kissing and laying together, but possibly boundaries to other things? I suspected there was someone else but she said no, your coming in 2 weeks, and I don't want that. (sure)
I texted her at 2am to say I think we should get together one last time strictly to have a good time, no strings attached, if she isn't going to be awkward. I said I respect your decision to not be together, won't try to get back and there will be no fighting. It won't be awkward unless she does something awkward towards me. I still love her and am very attracted to her, but Im not looking to be with her anymore. The relationship ended in the spring, when I ended up staying down south. We had our sights set for the previosu year on me moving up there and when she found I wasn't, it was never the same, all expectations/hopes were killed.
I just want to go up there to have fun, be cool, leave off on a good note because I will probably be up there in a coupel years. I think this is very possible to have a good time but its now up to her. After a little while she said we would have fun, but we left off on the boundary issue. So if there is a boundary issue, I may just suck it up for my buddy and I so we have a place to stay and I don't have to spend a lot of money to switch flights. But if its going to be weird for her, like her not seeming to really care if I am there, not really hangoing out with me just having me tag along or being like why is he here, then I'm not going to come, but then stuck in a bind with the flights. I know it sounds bad, but a lot of me besides wanting to have a good time up there and leave on good terms is the convenience her place is to stay for me, otherwise it will be a tremendous hassle. I know it sounds messed up, but I may be willing to swallow my pride for a night if it'll be much easier to catch my flight home.

Starbucks21 · Dec 11, 2008, 07:36 AM

She's used to you coming to her rescue and taking care of her when she's in pain probably. She understands because she's human too and she did have same emotional investment.

kctiger · Dec 11, 2008, 07:38 AM

I still think you are crusin' for a painful holiday season... just my opinion. You guys will be holding hands and kissing... am I missing something here. Sounds to me like you guys are still together.

turtleneck123 · Dec 11, 2008, 07:58 AM

I don see a reason starbucks why I should be coming to her rescue when she dumped me? I'm sorry if you don't know the whole story but she wanted the breakup, doesn't what to get back, etc. Ive been going NC but broke to see what the deal was with seeing each other.
We are not together, I don't know maybe Im living a fantasy of being able to go up there, be cool, flirting, have fun for the vacation and leave off on good terms? I have no problems leaving her on good terms, but if she said its going to be weird and I shouldn't come, then my perspective of her will completely change and it will be leaving off on a bad note to me.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2008, 08:19 AM

Decisions, decisions, that's what life is about, go as a friend, and TRY to have a good time, or make other plans.

Doesn't sound like a fun holiday to me, as pretending to be together, is for the birds, and is a disaster waiting to happen. Your already in the friendzone, so what are you expecting beyond that, as she has said, no sex!

I will give you some credit, you stood up for yourself enough, to get some more facts, to make a decision for yourself, and let her know how you felt about this whole thing. That's a great thing on your part.

DeleteAndBan · Dec 11, 2008, 09:00 AM

This is probably the worst plan I have seen written on this board. You are going to pretend you are together and than expect that your feelings will not come into play at all and you will not feel miserable when you leave?

If you have no feelings why don't u just go up there as a friend and maintain the boundaries exactly for the reason to protect yourself? Keep your distance and sleep in a different room?

Ur logic completely escapes me to be honest.

"if there are going to be boundaries I can't stay with you, thatll be weird. "

Acting like you are a couple when you are not is not weird?? :o

(Youll go up there and she will act like a friend, you will be confused and tell her she's not keeping her end of the bargain and you had different expectations and she will say "but we split up didnt we? what did u think was gonna happen?" and you will cry your way home.Probably.)

turtleneck123 · Dec 11, 2008, 09:18 AM

After 3.5 years, I feel like a break up not on bad terms right now, shouldn't make things weird and awkward just because the title is not there. Unless her feelings for me are gone, then I don't understand why you would hold back your feelings just because "we are not together." But, this is not on me. It is up to her to decide if she thinks I should come and we'll have fun. I feel like it is somewhat immature to hold back feelings after you invite someoen to come stay with you, just because the title is no longer there. Its only been about two weeks since we broke up.
I was the one who brought up the whole friends zone and awkwardness possibility, so if it wasn't for me, she wouldve just said I want you to come. However, I think it was a good idea to bring it up because I don't want to show up and she doesn't really want me there or feels weird that I'm there, like I'm unfinished business or something that needs to be ended. I told her to tell me by today and she agreed. So I'm assuming you would all agree that if I don't hear from her by today, I should assume that I'm not going to see her and make other arrangements. Making contact to see is just inappropriate I would assume. This girl is confused on what to do clearly and it may be partially because I brought up the question if she was going to be weird.
My confusion comes from her being so adamant that she doesn't want to get back together and wants to be on her own for awhile. Is this typical? Yes, I had hopes that her mind wouldve changed over the last couple weeks, but now it seems she is set on being on her own. Last time we talked she said she was not happy with things but was just trying to deal with it the best she could. So how does she become so set that she wants to be on her own if she still cares about me, is not happy with things, and as she put on her away message "I confuse the hell out of myself"? I get the point she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but do you think she has doubts but doesn't want to show that to me knowing she made this move? Is it possible for someone to be that sure so quickly, but then continue with saying well be together again, even though I know she's just trying to be nice?
So for now, Ill just see if she contacts me, which I am not all sure she will, and she what she says. If I talk to her by phone is it appropriate to ask how its going to be if she wants me to come? Because last night she said she didn't want to have these conversations. If she does want me to come I think I have a right to ask her if it is going to be the friend zone or not.

turtleneck123 · Dec 11, 2008, 10:21 AM

I should add that it is pretty pathetic that I wait to hear from a girl to see if its OK to come; however, I need to find out to change plans if needed. Im sure most of you disagree with what I'm doing, but like I said, I want to have fun if possible AND staying w/ her is a major convenience factor. I just can't stand waiting, but if I don't hear by tonight, then the move has to be made and I will have to begin complete NC, deleting any type of contact she may have with me or I may see what she is doing

DeleteAndBan · Dec 11, 2008, 10:40 AM

Well I'm glad u realize its pathetic. Now if you would realize that for the rest of the situation we can come to a constructive discussion.

You are so annoyed waiting because u attach great importance to the outcome. A.K.A U HAVE STRONG EMOTIONS INVOLVED.

At least have the balls to come out and say u still love her and would love to get her back no matter what and you are trying everything to do so. Trying to mask it up with whatever rational u think applies, trying to make yourself look totally relaxed just seems pathetic.

turtleneck123 · Dec 11, 2008, 02:27 PM

I've said a number of times I still love her, you don't just stop loving one that quick. Being back with her I probably would but it would take a lot of talking and its not happening anyway

talaniman · Dec 11, 2008, 04:00 PM

U don't just stop loving one that quick

No you don't. That's the problem.

turtleneck123 · Jan 5, 2009, 04:44 PM

I've posted on here many times before about this relationship. Long distance about 3.5 years. Last spring I told her I wasn't moving up where she was because of school which we expected to happen and obviously it effected her. It has been about 10 months since I told her I wasn't moving to her location. She has continued to deny ever cheating, seeing anyone, etc. while we were together and even for the past 1.5 months we broke up.
Around the time I broke the news to her, a few weeks or so later, I received an anonymous message online saying my girlfriend at the time was crashing at some kids house. The message supplier would not provide details, only the kid, but wouldn't say who they were, or what happened, etc. ever since the messages the relationship went downhill, lost trust and took time to somewhat get over seeing the messages, even though she denied it, claims to have told me everything, and we saw each other a few times since then.
I just visited her and some friends for the last week. She was completely rude to me for the first few days and then after an argument on new years where she acted completely different I left for the night and turned off my phone, I received 10 voicemails of crying and begging for me to come back telling me she loves me. I returned the next morning and she cried her eyes out, telling me she loves me, me not moving killed her, and she told me she kissed a friend on the lips when we broke up but never cheated. All this while for the last month we barely talked and when she did she was mean and continued to say she didn't want to be back together.
Problem is that she has certaintly seemed to change to me and when I left on new years with my friend, we met up with a mutual friend of mine and my ex, her former roommate and best friend. This girl began telling me that after I told my ex I wasn't moving, my ex no longer was doing the right thing while we were together, told me the same thing about kissing the one kid on the lips, and kept saying I should move on. She would not give me any specifics.
I kept saying to my ex the remainder of the time I was at her house that I know she did something behind my back and just admit it. But she only continued to deny, try to cuddle and kiss me. She would blow off my comments and act as though it didn't even exist.
When I left to return home, she began crying again telling me she loved me etc, there will be no other guys, and we will no doubt see each other again.
Through talking with the mutual friend earlier today, she continued to assure me that she did some sketchy things but would not give any details. She also suggested for me to forget about her and I deserve better
My ex claims the fighting and questioning I gave her over the last 10 months or so is what has led to the break up and if there was no more distance like we expected, this would have never happened and all she wants is me there. My ex just called me to make sure I got in OK and I told her I cannot speak with her anymore because I know she cheated on me and such. She just said clearly your angry, I told you everything,and thought we were going to stay on good terms and begin talking again. I said I couldn't until she gained some respect and admitted what happened.
Who do I believe?? My ex definantly changed since me telling her and me receiving the messages; seems to be a different person, more interested in friends, two of her friends approached me and said they did not want to hook up with her and she wants every guy to want her and be the center of attention, a lot of arguing, and our sex life has even tappered off. The first three years, when we saw each other sex took up a lot of our time and now she just says that's all I think about and doesn't seem interested. She wanted to cuddle and kiss 24/7 and paid for me to visit her. Its her or the mutual friend who I know isn't on the best terms with my ex right now, but also has her own history of being sketchy, but that was when she was single, as I was told through my ex.
I feel terrible because 1. the thought of her having sex with another guy disgusts me esp. when we were together but 2. find it tough to believe she would not just fess up to it, and instead has done as I've posted earlier. I convinced myself she would never do something like that to me, but I have no idea now. Me and the ex obviously won't be talking anymore. I wanted to try and see if we could be on good terms and possibly see each other if possible but now I'm disgusted. How do I stop thinking about her being with another guy? Or should I believe her that she didn't cheat on me? I mean typically suspicion is enough, but id hate to ruin something possibly in the future for false information when I thought this relationship had a chance to go for awhile. Is it possible for someone to be this heartless or is this typical and its just so shocking because I put so much trust that she wouldn't cheat on me. Could the mutual friend be telling me the truth?

talaniman · Jan 5, 2009, 04:57 PM

This relationship is so poisoned already, and your already doubting her. Buddy, you need a nice long break to figure yourself out with out her influence.

JBeaucaire · Jan 5, 2009, 04:59 PM

It is amazing to me how much energy is spent harassing a relationship long after it has ended. It can take YEARS sometimes for the mind to eventually admit what the heart already knows... that it's over.

For WHATEVER reason, you know this is over, right? No trust, no politeness, no closeness (not even geographic)...

Is the ONLY way you will end this for good is if you two completely hate each other? That's not necessary, you know? You could just call it what it is and wish each other well, and go your separate ways.

A year later you will both be SO glad you did. Life is short, how much time are you willing to invest in a prolonged (yet inevitable) breakup process?

turtleneck123 · Jan 5, 2009, 05:15 PM

Tru. I just have a tough time not knowing for sure if anything happened and who to believe. We were only discussing talking on good terms and seeing each other if OK to do and possible. If its not true, then id believe this could all be forgotten eventually and maybe be a future which she insists on. I just want to know who you all would believe and what's the best way to cope with forgetting about and not be disgusting over a girl who cheated and continues to deny it. She def can't even stand me talking to another girl knowing we aren't together because every night out if I was talkig to another girl or girl I knew, shed come over and try to get involved asap.
I had a girlfriend in the past who was rumored to have cheated, then broke up with me, and few months later begged me to come back, admitted to doing things after we broke up but never when together. I mention this because after me and this ex broke up I began hanging out with the new one a month or so later and here we are 3.5 years later

JBeaucaire · Jan 5, 2009, 05:22 PM

Learn from your own past, at least don't follow in your own missteps. The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over expecting a different result.