[1927city]

Hi All

I have a question - particularly for the girls.

I broke with my ex about 6 months ago and whilst we never argued, it was a strange break up. I thought it was to do with her exams and not me - she denied it. Despite me being as OK as anyone could be with such a break, I never pressured her to get back together etc - she avoided me like the plague. She then graduated and left to live over 200 miles away for her new job without saying goodbye, happy birthday, giving me my housekeys bac etc. Basically it was complete overkill - and whilst I don't believe she didn't care that little for me - I was left with the conclusion that she still cared and ran away from facing up to it.

During the next 3 months, I've respected her decision and not contacted her - and got nothing back. However, I stupidly sent her an email about 6 weeks ago (see the following email string for content). I've also received an msn out of the blue from her talking about nothing significant.

I still love this girl and don't want to end up as 'friends' - my plan was to go back to no contact and see if she would realise what she had sacrificed and come back to me. However, I'd be interested in peoples (particularly the girls) thoughts as to what (if anything) is going on and what I should do.

I've not been hanging around waiting, but I've messed myself up again and could do with some guidance.

Thanks in advance.

J

MAIL FROM ME

Hey trouble

Just thought I'd drop you a quick email seeing how Kent was going - hopefully well and you're settling in. You enjoying being part of the rat race or are you like me and forever wishing you were a student again?

Currently laid up following my knee reconstruction, got a few weeks where I'm not allowed to do a lot and then 3 - 6 months of physio ...and then I can start football, tennis, surfing again and get myself back into shape!!! Managed to squeeze a quick trip into Stockholm just before, as not able to fly until we go to Helsinki for NY ...I'm already getting itchy feet!

Anyway, won't waffle ...just wanted to touch base and check you were OK.

J

NB: I guess you know about the Mr Teds situation ...words fail me!

RESPONSE

Hello!!

Believe it or not I was actually thinking about you today and wanted to email to see how everything was going! I'm well thanks ... not enjoying Kent as much as I thought I would, so I am currently still looking for a job in London. I'm crossing my fingers for either University College London or Barts and the London Hospital. I won't bore you with the silly details though! Funnily enough over the last few weeks (actually it's beginning to feel more like months) I have been wishing I was a student so much. I'd love to be back in my first year right now ... just enjoying myself going to pub and relaxing with my friends etc. I've missed seeing you all quite a lot. Next time I visit we'll all have to catch up over a few drinks in the George (I miss our local!).

I heard about your knee, Erin showed me a photo of the bruising! Looks delightful!! How's it feeling? Any better? I'm glad you got it all sorted out in the end. So Mr Teds .... tell me more ... I may have more information but I feel it may be unfair to divulge in case we're perhaps not on the same wavelength! What do you know?

Also really really wanted to ask how your mum is doing? No worries if you don't fancy talking about it or anything. Just hope she's staying strong and doing well after the chemo etc. Say hi to your mum and dad for me (and of course Paul or should I say Pea Head ... tell him Pea Ears says Hey)!

Anyway ... how's everything with you? How's the job etc? Any luck starting a new business yet? Any ideas or plans? Still working on the comedy?? I really hope everything's ok.

Hopefully will visit soon ... miss Cardiff and all of you very much!

Take care

Claire xxx

MY REPLY

Hey trouble

Lots on, Mum and Dad are fine and say hi. Everything's cool, thanks for asking.

Drinks sound good. Let me know when you're down and we'll catch up over cocktails.

Take Care

J

NB: Have you finished your toblerone yet?

MISSED AN MSN - THEN MY EMAIL REPLY

Hey Trouble

Missed your msn Sunday ...was busy entertaining uni mates. Was going to drop you a mail yesterday but got a bit sidetracked - everything ok?

No hangovers - Boner lasted about 90 minutes before he had to go home and 1 of the girls fell down the stairs in 10 feet tall ...a very good night!

Let me know when you're around & I'll tell you the gory details.

J

HER REPLY

Hello

Everything's very well down in the South East thanks. I'm really not a fan of Maidstone ... still waiting for places in London to come around!

Ha ha ha! Can Boner hold any drink?! Poor sod! Or were you force feeding him shots again? Oooo I didn't hear about what happened with the stairs! Who fell? Any blood shed? Have no idea when I'll be around next ... I appear to be trapped in Maidstone at least until Christmas. I've managed (somehow) to get some annual leave though, which means I finish work on Friday 19th! I have never been so grateful for annual leave!!! Work is pretty crap, isn't it? The only joy I get from it at the moment is getting paid. Forgive my moaning ... no excuse apart from boredom!

Glad you're ok though. Hope to catch up again soon.

Claire x

[1927city]

... sorry one more thing.

I'm not stalking her or anything, but on my Facebook profile page I noticed she had mailed her mate apolgosing for drunken texting her and saying she was 'reflecting' on things quite a lot and that it was quite annoying.

I can't prove anything obviously, but my guess is that the only thing that would annoy her reflection wise about uni is me!

J

[1927city]

No opinions?

[talaniman]

Sorry partner, but I think your barking up the wrong tree. While you probably can't see that any contact with her, whether its texting, email, or Facebook will leave you in an emotional funk, it also gives you a false hope, fueled by your desire for her back in your life, and assumptions that are not based on facts.

Man to man, its time to let go, and move beyond those feelings, and accept the reality of the situation. She moved on, and with time so shall you.

To answer your question, She ain't coming' back no where soon, if ever. She will find a life that she enjoys, and live it without you.

That's the only way you can think, if you expect to heal, and enjoy your own life.

[1927city]

Hi Guys

Received a bit of surprising news, but don’t really know what I should do – would appreciate your thoughts.

I split from my ex in April (was a rather strange split – that had a lot to do with exam pressures and whilst I lost value in her eyes, I was never particularly convinced by her reasons for the split). She moved about 4 hours away after graduating in July and didn’t say goodbye etc …just ran away – complete overkill (it hurt …lots).

I never begged her to come back or argued with her and its been pretty much 100% Non Contact with her with the exception of 3 emails in October, in which she confirmed that she didn’t like her new job or home. For my part, I said if she wanted to catch up, then to let me know when she was around. My last contact with her was about 6 weeks ago, in which she didn’t agree but confirmed that she was stuck where she was until mid December when she was home for Xmas. It wasn’t clear as to whether I was being fobbed off or told when we could do it, I thought the former if I’m honest.

Last night, my mate told me that he had been to a party at her friends and that the ex had sat next to him and bent his ear all night about me and told him that she still loved me. Apparently she was pissed and he had to leave to talk to the girls he knew better as I think he was getting a bit bored after an hour lol.

This happened about 5 weeks ago and he wasn’t going to tell me, but did last night. He said, you’re both in the same crap situation in that you love each other and can’t stop thinking about each other, but you’re too far apart. Problem is …I’ve not heard anything off her re: this!

I’m supposed to be moving to about an hour from her in January and would love to give it another go.

What do you guys think …what do I do? I’m pleased but even more frustrated.

Thanks

J

[southerngalps]

I would definitely wait until you hear those words coming out of her mouth.

Don't rush things. Give it time.

[talaniman]

…what do I do?

The good thing about NC is, you don't have to do anything.

[1927city]

Don't get me wrong - if I saw her, I certainly wouldn't be bring the relationship up etc (unless she wanted to talk about it) - would just be looking to have a bit of fun.

My concern is why hasn't she even indicated to me any of this?? I mean, nothing in 7 months... if I believed how she'd been acting (which I never really have tbh) - I would guess she didn't give a toss, wasn't missing me at all, couldn't be bothered asking how I was etc. Her mates even told me in July that she'd moved on and that I should too. I pretended I had in any case but still... women are mental!

As such, I'm worried that this is as much as I'm going to get and if I don't act... I miss my chance.

Looking for reassurance I guess.

J

[High Max]

Why don't you tell us the reasons she gave you for the first breakup, and we will tell you if this is worth pursuing.

[southerngalps]

If she really felt this way, she should tell you not your friend. It doesn't make sense to me.

And you just wanting to have a little fun will lead to emotions again. I don't think it is a good idea.

Don't rush anything. You have already broken up. Don't give the situation too much attention.

[1927city]

Er, there weren't any... well there was the 'I don't love you any more' and the 'I'm not happy' lines... I certainly agree with the last one - problem was that she was doing her finals and to all intents and purpose, sabottaged our relationship.

I never really believed her re: I don't love you any more, I thought it was her inability to handle the pressure of exams and transferrence. I therefore never pushed her and said to her that I couldn't make her feel love and that it was down to her.

She then avoided me and I returned in kind and she moved away without so much as a goodbye (total overkill).

Her mates are still in contact and they say it's messed up that we're not together and lay the blame at the ex for acting 'weird'

NB: by fun, I mean don't get heavy straight away - I love her and she's the only 1 I've ever considered as marriage material - so it would be a proper relationship.

J

[High Max]

She may have got bored with things, but couples have to know how to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship and not just jump ship. Be careful with this one, as history tends to repeat itself in these situations.

[1927city]

Bored... possible (learnt never to rule anything out), but we went from being 100% fine at NY (her mates bugging me to tell her that I loved her as she wouldn't say it first etc) to her being cold a few days later when she came back to address her final term - she became work obsessed.

Her friends had warned me she turns into a 'monster' at exam time... and I didn't really take them at their word - but they were 100% spot on.

Bored would be unlikely as just before we were in Venice then Berlin for NY, did a lot of different and spontaneous stuff (when work allowed). Trips to Paris and Monte Carlo were cancelled as she got hyper stressed with work and in the end, I never saw her (certainly didn't pressure her)... she then said she was unhappy and we split. Her mates came to Prague with my mates for my birthday... she bailed (in retrospect a good thing).

I spent so little time with her towards the end, I always wondered how I could make her unhappy... particularly as I wasn't constantly bugging her, or pressuring etc. Her mates said that she was always happy when she came back from spending time with me and then went back to normal... but it never made her come over more?

Like I say, I am sure it was work, but its something she's never admitted to (at least to me that is!)

All in all... the most ridiculous break up I've ever been involved in (but then I'm only one half).

What would you do if you were me?

[High Max]

Well, she knows that your friend is going to tell you this, so she may be trying to reach out and have you bring it up first. I'd just be direct, if you are feeling gutsy. Bring up a conversation with her through whatever medium you two have been communicating before, and then mention that your friend just told you this and ask her if this is true, preferably in a casual smooth kind of way.

Based on how she answers and responds, you can probably go from there. If she does tell you she misses you and wants another go, you'd better tell her that your terms in getting back with her are that she will never do that kind of breakup again.

[thadevilsadvocate]

Try looking at it this way. Her reasons for breaking up with you weren't because she was bored with the trips you were taking and so forth... that was all great to her... she was bored with the relationship itself... such as loving the same person and spending her time with the same person. As you will hear lot, she had already pre-determined this outcome before her exams. She just used the exams as an excuse.

So consider that she was willing to tear down the relationship that you both had built, and felt okay with using her exams as her scapegoat. She really must have taken the relationship for granted, if that was going to be a good enough reason in her mind. Anyone that can end a relationship in such a simple manner, is not happy with themselves. The "I'm not happy" and "I don't love you" lines, are simply excuses for her, because in all reality, she has no valid reason for ending the relationship, except for the simple fact that she is selfish, and was beginning to think that there was something better out there, instead of being grateful for what she has.

Look at the situation here for a second and don't make excuses for her. This is a person that can so simply end your relationship, and not even consider your feelings or the effort that you may have put in to the relationship. Then she leaves town. She thought she was going to find something better out there and seems to be having trouble with that. She doesn't like her job and is stuck in a place that she isn't very happy... So she comes back and talks your friends ear off, because she is lonely. Sure, she may have realized that she screwed up and made a very stupid decision by ending the relationship, however, she is only telling your friend this. With anything important in life, you tell the person directly. You don't involve middle men, because you are trying to show that your statements and words are sincere. Her telling your friend, and not you, characteristically goes in harmony with the way she broke up with you.

She screwed you over, for her own selfishness, and you can't forget this. So, if she wants you back, she needs to tell you herself that she is willing to accept what she has done, and that she hopes the two of you can put it in the past, and start something new. This shows that she realized her selfish mistakes, and that she is ready to be real to you. You need to let her come to you. She made decision to leave, and there was nothing you could do about it. If you are the one to reach out to her then you put yourself in a vulnerable position again, and this could cause you a lot of pain, all over again. So unless she is going to contact you about it, keep your no contact. You don't owe her anything and you don't need to be the one making the effort. If she can't make the effort, after her actions, then you don't need someone like that.

Remember, you need to think about yourself first here.

[1927city]

Aghhhh!! Really good posts guys and I can defo see the benefits of NC (excellent post devilsadvocate)... you've nailed a lot of what I'm thinking.

However, I'm concerned that as we live so far away from each other, there is no easy way for us to meet (although over xmas, we will be within 30 minutes of each other) and thereafter in NY about 70. Currently we're about 4 1/2 hours apart.

Feels like If I don't hear from her over xmas, that maybe I need to prompt it (although I am reluctant).

I have drafted this... although not sure whether I am actually going to send this or anything at the moment.

Hey stranger,

Been a while …you OK?

I’m pretty much finished for Xmas now. Can’t remember when you said you were back, but if you still fancy catching up I have all my Xmas shopping to do, need to sort out fancy dress for Helsinki, survival gear for the Arctic & and are also moving to Cambridge in January …so lots to do.

You’ve got good taste …care to help?

J

NB: Did you see this on the news?
BBC NEWS | In Pictures | In pictures: Venice under water

Can I have thoughts please?

Thanks

J

[talaniman]

Sorry guy, I just don't see investing a lot into someone who dumps me, and then tries to comeback, because she has nothing else to do. Just me, the distance, and her actions, have me not wasting my time.

Ain't that much love in the world to let a female do that to you again. That means you learned nothing about what she is capable of, and your living in a world of false hope, and high expectation.

Sound good on paper, but sucks in reality.

[ImTotallyLost]

I think I am going through a similar thing you went through. I just ended a relationship in a similarly weird way. My ex was still calling me love and kissing and hugging, but she was saying she wasn't in love with me anymore.

I am finding really weird to deal with this because I can't get angry at her, she didn't do anything wrong and you can't blame someone for how their hearts make them feel. But on the other hand, it seems like I am the only one who's feeling bad about ending this relation, and I "blame" her for having to cope with this pain alone.

That's why I think in my case, although I think she is "forever and ever" material, and although I think she still likes me and it's just the stress, I think I should not be responsible for starting up the contact again. Because if it is true that she still likes me, than eventually she would try to come back. But if she actually got over me, sending that first e-mail would just totally blow in my face, all the emotions would come back and I would feel like again.

So I don't think you should send that e-mail, unless there are good reasons that would make her feel uncomfortable coming back on her own (you are in another relationship, something that was said during the break-up that she might regret... ).

[1927city]

Hi talinaman

Point taken, but for me I think it is worth a shot again... give her a chance (she is 22, I am 31 and have more experience - everyone makes mistakes and takes a while to realise I am perfectly imperfect).

Not for everyone I agree, but before we split I thought she was the one and despite seeing other girls since, she still is the only one.

Breakup wasn't bad at all - no bad words. She did however, walk out and not face up to 'us'... easier to run away and she probably doesn't feel too good about how she handled it.

I'm in the casualist of relationships, its not going anywhere for either of us and is open... I think she probably knows about this, but probably doesn't realise I'm not serious about her.

J

[thadevilsadvocate]

Knowing your ages has now made a case and point of its own. You are at a point in your life in which you are ready to build a life and do certain things as you have already lived through your twenties. The ages of 22 and 23 for women are extremely difficult ages. I am going ton what I know, not an exact statistic, but trust me on this. This is an age that they are not very sure what to do, because they feel as though they should start settling down and having kids, because their friends will start doing so, but at the same time, they don't want go give up their youth quite yet. They are trying to find a steady career and figure out what they want to do from this point on in their lives, but they don't want to take the time to think about it, because then they would have to face reality... which further backs up why she ended the relationship in the way that she did. She didn't want to have to think about things in the relationship and think about you, because she is so full of everything on her plate... now, this in no way validates what she did to you, but I'm sure that I am pretty accurate with the reasoning here.

Now the crappy part is that they will live through their twenties and unfortunately, although they may realize over time what a good thing they threw away, most of the time, they won't come out the same person, and will just chalk the relationship up as experience that they learned from. This is all a maturity issue and seems to be apparent amongst a vast population of females around these ages. Not to just particularly zone in on only the females, as I'm sure this also applies to males of this age.

So, the best thing that you can do, is let it be. If you really believe that it is because she has some things to learn and needs to mature, then let her do that. Don't get yourself involved, because she will never learn then. She needs to learn these things on her own, and without you as a friend or boyfriend. Just let everything be as it is. She will hear about your through the grapevine and if she wants something to do with you, then she will find a way to contact you. People will do anything for love, when they really want to. So, its good that you feel that it has to with her needing more experience and needing to mature in the area of relationships... now let her figure it out.