What to do?

palamutyan_18 · Jul 12, 2006, 09:20 AM

Hunny I think you should talk to him and ask him how he feels about you and about this relationship. It seems like it's a mess why is he even talking to other girls what makes he do that. He doesn't know that you cheated on him so what will be the reason for him to cheat. But the best thing to do is to talk to him and see what he has to say. But the thing is that you guys have a baby and you cants just leave him and go your own way. But seriously you really have to talk to him his not doing the right thing!

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 12, 2006, 10:20 AM

Talaniman I hope you have read what I put... I said I already told my boyfriend. Read before you write.

Thanks depressed in mo,
Thanks for understanding where I am comeing from.

Thank you Palamutyan18, Domeonspeeding, and Cherry for not judging me and giving me the advice I needed. Really thank you.

talaniman · Jul 12, 2006, 10:55 AM

Just to be clear it was your attitude that I thought you should check and which seems to have brought the greatest reaction. And for the record I still hold that your attitude will bring you misery and to be honest I wish better for you!

Wildcat21 · Jul 12, 2006, 12:33 PM

You're still a kid who tried to take on adult stuff - not good.

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 12, 2006, 01:11 PM

OK, why do you guys keep posting when nothing is being said to you?

talaniman · Jul 12, 2006, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by Crybaby9112001

ok, why do you guys keep posting when nothing is being said to you?

To put it quite simply we care enough to give you advice to help you be happy. That's what we really want, and if you get tough love sometimes, well frankly we think you need that too! So loose the attitude and smile and join us, you never know, there maybe someone hurting out there who could benefit from your experience. Wouldn't you try to help?

Skell · Jul 12, 2006, 08:20 PM

I have been watching this thread very closely and it is seems crybaby that you came on here seeking advice, but only advice that you want to hear.
Criticism is very hard for some people to take and it is obvious that this applies to you.
These people aren't trying to discredit you, or judge you. Everything you have been told is spot on. Your relationship is in a mess. You are in a mess.
If you are a changed women and everyhting is going so good then why are you asking for advice? You should not need it.

Please don't just read your own thread. Go back weeks, months etc and read the hundreds of other threads on here. You will see that you aren't the first to go through tough times and you aren't the first to receive such criticism.

Maybe you'll see examples of people who, unlike you, listened and took in this criticism and were honest with themselves and tried to fix there situation. There are many examples of this happening.

It is easy to receive a pat on the back, but it is difficult to receive a kick in the ar$e.

As you know the world is a tough place. You have had many tough times. But you don't survice taking the easy path and easy options. Simialry you won't improve yourself only listening to the easy advice.

It is the hard stuff that hopefully one day you can look back on and be glad that you heard it, because then you may truly be a "changed women".

Good luck and keep contributing.

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 17, 2006, 10:02 AM

Talaniman and Skell
Your right, but how do I get over it, I can't ignore it when I feel like people are criticizing me. When they said those things I did jump to defense but how can I not? Every since I posted this and people have been telling me I am childish I have been looking at myself in a new way. I have been seeing that I truly do have a lot to learn and I don't know where to start, It seems I want everything my way or I dislike it, the minute something gets difficult I don't know how to act and I just give up or if I try to get through it I do something so supid. I don't know how to take criticism! I know I don't but how do I learn to embrace it instead of fighting it or getting offended by it... I am so serious when I say I need to learn how but I just don't know what I need to do. I feel like I have to respond to everything. You see I was raised in foster homes and grouphomes since I was 8 months and I don't have a mom or dad to give me good advice... liveing in the grouphome you have to have an attitude or people will run all over you... and especially since I live in Oakland... I can't even leave the house without someone grabbing on my shirt trying to talk to me. I don't know what I should do to get over this... you see I have to have this attitude out here especially when being that I live by myself and I have a son. But I don't know how to stop this. How do I learn how to only use the attitude out here and stop it when I know there are real people that are trying to give me honest advice?

talaniman · Jul 17, 2006, 11:31 AM

Wow! I am impressed, very impressed. Not only did you have the courage to come clean with us, you have admitted to yourself and honestly I may add, that there are things you don't know and want help with. I understand your attitude as a defensive mechanism and a survival skill. The good news is you already know what your problem is and that's half the battle. Practice patience and the art of listening before you make a comment. Learn NOT to respond to everything and the things you cannot control don't worry about it. It really is a matter of practicing... doing the right thing over and over until it becomes natural. You are a very strong smart person so getting rid of bad habits and learning to control your anger may be quite challenge but I also feel that you want to make a change and that works in your favor. Always remember to not act out of anger and treat others as YOU want to be treated. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of WORK on your part but I already can see you have the tools to be successful. Stay away from places that cause you to have an attitude and go where people are really people. I said it won't be easy but over time you can do it!

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 17, 2006, 11:46 AM

Talaniman
I knew this was always a problem with me but I just learned how to ignore it. Im glad I posted this because the things people were telling was right but it so hard to see the bad side of yourself... I don't like being the way I am but I just am... I don't have patience at all and when I tell myself to be patience and just wait I get all tense and my heart starts racing and then I just start screaming or crying and I don't even know why... I guess I'm like a child(((((thats not good cause I have a baby)))) I hate this about myself but it feels like I don't have control over this... why am I like this?? Other people are so patient and conciderate and listen, and if they are not like that then they are in the streets, I don't want to live on the streets! OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH MY GOD IT FEELS LIKE IM GOING CRAZY! Should I take some kind of medicine or something. I don't think this is normal. Sorry for the outburst.

talaniman · Jul 17, 2006, 12:09 PM

No need for apologies. You just need a good hug, do you have a trusted girlfriend? Or a trusted adult? Just to talk to and get some of that frustration out.(I Walk when I get pissed) You could see a doctor that would be up to you (I am not a doctor) but I think the frustration has been building for a long time and needs to come out. A good workout and two aspirin and a hot bath. And kiss your baby and say I LOVE YOU!!

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 17, 2006, 12:27 PM

(((((SMILE)))))) Thank you, sorry I just don't no how to handle a lot of things.
Your right I think a walk around the lake, a bath and to kiss my baby would do me good. I don't have people to talk to, I have like one friend but they are all to young to understand my problems, I found this site by googleing "help need to ask questions". So this is my family here. Thank you talaniman

talaniman · Jul 17, 2006, 12:37 PM

Welcome to the family-Consider yourself hugged!

momincali · Jul 17, 2006, 02:42 PM

If you cheated on your boyfriend 5 times, what's his guarantee that you won't do it again? I know you said you're a "changed woman", but why should he believe that? If he cheated on you five times, knowing you have a child together would you believe him?? Probably not. How long has it been since you cheated on him and what makes you so sure that he doesn't know. Men aren't dumb, they have instincts just like women do. He may have just chosen to ignore it for the sake of your child and keeping the family together.

Cheating is a dirty, rotten, selfish act. People do it for different reasons. Some are lonely, some are scared, some just have an over active sex-drive and will scratch that itch at any cost. However, if it only happened once, it was an event and no matter how bad or guilty you feel, I don't believe you should tell your spouse/significant other about it just to make yourself feel better. If it happened once and you have no intentions or desires for it to happen again, you feel guilty because you're a good person and only good people feel guilt to the point they don't allow it to happen again than as unfortunate as that is, you should bear that burden all by yourself. But, if you cheated, and cheated and cheated again, than it's no longer an event, but a pattern and that, you should tell your spouse. They have the right to know that the person they are sharing their bed with has little or no character.

I understand the frustration and guilt you're living with now, but if you truly are a changed-for-the-better woman(and don't lie to yourself cause that doesn't help anyone), than take that energy and re-invest it in your family. Treat him adoringly like you did when you first met. Be romantic and kind and you can lure him back. Pay attention to him without being overbearing or smothering. You'll find that all of these actions will put the negative feelings behind you and let you focus on what's important, which is keeping your family together.

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 17, 2006, 03:12 PM

Momincali
WOW! Well I don't know what to say but tell you what you asked.
He knows now but at first he was to nice about it then he told me he cheated on me once. I cheated on him when I was 13 and 15. I was young and I know that isn't an excuse but I have learned from my leson. He said he think we should go to therapy but I can't stand therapy. I cheated way before my son was born. I don't have any intention on cheating on him ever again, I love him and my son to ever do any such thing. Your advice is so true, I do treat him like a king now, this whole situation has changed us for the better but it still feel strange if we see anything on TV that has to do with cheating. We both love each other to death and even the thought of us leaving each other make out hearts race its just when we were younger we had too much on out plate, You said Pay attention to him without being overbearing or smothering but I have never been that way but I think I am becoming that way, thanks for the advice Momincali

momincali · Jul 17, 2006, 03:38 PM

You know, not to underplay cheating, but 13 and 15 don't really count, at least not to me, you guys were just babies. I am so happy to hear that you have not done it again since having your son nor have the feeling to do it, but remember it's commitment that keeps you from cheating, not how you feel about your man. I'm even happier to hear that you are treating him well. Assuming you picked a man and not a male to be the father of your child, when you treat your him right, he will slay dragons for you. The uneasy feeling may be there for a while, but don't make it about you. Have you ever barbequed chicken and maybe burnt it, and then the next time maybe you forgot to season it? Well, hopefully you didn't decide that you would never try barbequeing chicken again and just learned from your mistakes by taking it slow. Whenever you see a movie on TV or in theaters, read a book or hear about someone cheating and it makes you feel bad, just look at each other and give each other a nice passionate kiss. That will remind you that those days are in your past and your future with your family is what's important now. You guys are your kid's role models, always be aware of what you do and say to each other. We tend to underestimate our kids cause they're so little, but the truth is that they pick up on that very quickly. Show him that mommy and daddy love each other very much and are doing everything they can to make it a happy home, with both parents under one roof (maybe even legitimizing everything by tying the knot?? :rolleyes: ) to create security and stability.

Crybaby9112001 · Jul 17, 2006, 03:55 PM

Thank you, I feel much better, your right, wow the advice you give is pretty amazing, you make it seem like its was like right in my face and I'm just like why didn't I think of that, wow thank you

Skell · Jul 17, 2006, 04:57 PM

Hey crybaby.

Well done on coming so far in such a short time. To be able to actually admit your faults is a massive step towards correcting them. You are doing well.
I agree with momincali, in that at 13 and 15 (although still not the right thing to do) I think it is forgivable.

Momincali has given such wonderful adivice here that it is hard to add anything more.

I just wanted to post and let you know that although we on here at time may criticise, we can also praise when it is due.

And it both intances on this thread they were due.

Well done and keep posting.

You still have a fair way to go and their will be challenges ahead no doubt.

RIZA · Nov 3, 2006, 03:40 PM

HELLO

jinxie19 · Jan 28, 2008, 02:04 AM

I saw your post and I can relate... I went through the same thing. :( wow you guys met when you were 15 is that rite? Or when you were 12 if my calculations are rite. Anyway that's sweet. But if you cheated on him while you guys were together, does that mean the baby is even his? It could be the other guy. If you were with just one guy?
. We all learn from our mistakes it.ll be OK if you guys love and worked it out.