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upinsmoke · Nov 27, 2008, 04:54 PM

Okay well, here goes. I really don't know how to form this as a question to you so I think I'll just.. blab and see if anyone can help me draw some conclusions.
I'm insane. I'm delusional.
I convince myself that certain acts are okay, and only when I take the perspective of someone from the outside looking in, I see how utterly ridiculous I am, but it's already been accepted in my mind.
Examples?
1) I'm 16 and I sleep with much older men, like in their 50's some of them. They give me money and things like that as well but it doesn't feel like a prostitute transaction but more so like.. a boyfriend helping his girlfriend out? When I'm with them I see nothing wrong with it, I feel like a completely different person. But in real life if someone were to talk about people doing that, I wouldn't even connect it to me. My opinion on it would be "oh no thats terrible!" and I wouldn't even think "oh I do that." It's like I've completely disconnected the 2 sides of my life to the point where I don't even feel like the same person.
2) Now, I smoke a lot of weed, and I think it's made me pretty paranoid because I always think everyone is out to get me. Everyone. I'll avoid walking to the front of the bus to get off and I'll take the back door because Im afraid the bus driver is sitting there judging me. I'm just scared all the time.
3)Just like now, I constantly over-analyze everything. What people say, do, what's happening. I over-analyze myself more than anything. Just like now. I'm picking myself apart, this is how I think all the time, it's actually beginning to drive me nuts.
4)I have the worst mood swings. One day I can be the happiest person alive and the next I find myself staring at a bottle of asprin and I'd love nothing more then to take them all, but I never would. It's just a thought that goes through my head. I'd never kill myself because I love my family.
And finally
5) I am a compulsive liar. I feel like I have to lie about EVERYTHING and I don't know why. Like if I'm telling my parent where I'm going, lie. Telling a friend why I can't hang out, lie. If I simply chill with a boy or something, I end up telling my friends that more happened then actually did, and I convince myself that I have "a thing" with all these boys that I DON'T. Like I actually convince myself of that because I've repeated it so many times, but in the back of my mind I always know its not true. I've been like that since I was young.

My mom has a history of mental illness (im not completely sure what though? I think bipolar or multiple personality or something, but I haven't seen her in years as she's been in and out of mental hospitals and blahblahblah all my life)
And my dad has a history of depression.

All of this has been floating around in my head, forever. And I just feel like if someone reads it, just one person, and responds, then maybe I'll get some closure or perspective to either confirm or discourage the idea of me being absolutely insane, because that's what it feels like these days.

If you actually read all that, thank you hahaha

:confused::eek:

albear · Nov 27, 2008, 05:01 PM

The term 'crazy' is labeled to people to non-chalently (sp),
Crazy people don't think they're crazy

KBC · Nov 27, 2008, 05:15 PM

1) Stop smoking weed.

2) Stop sleeping around!

3) Your family's mental health might point you in a certain direction,pay attention to this.

4) When these are done you might find your mind settling down to a normal level.

5) Inventing lies to cover lies,this is a common practice for drug users.

Insanity is for the mentally impaired,not the drug induced delirium which proceeds extended drug use.

MORE?

Write back,

KBC

upinsmoke · Nov 27, 2008, 05:20 PM

"Insanity is for the mentally impaired,not the drug induced delirium which proceeds extended drug use."

What do you mean by that?

And I feel like if I quit those things, what am I going to do with my time? All my friends are into weed and whatnot, and I don't want to quit it's the only thing that calms me down but I know it's what's making me jumbled to begin with.

KBC · Nov 27, 2008, 05:30 PM

Insanity is not a label for someone stuck in a drug addiction.It is drug addiction making the insane behavior.

You already know this,the drugs are affecting you clarity of thought.

You feel that if you stop all those things,what are you going to do?Are you kidding?Get a JOB! Start a web site! Take up a hobby!Help the homeless! This list can go on and on and on...

Your drug addicted brain is coming up with excuses so you stay in the chaos and 'insanity'.Be above the influence.

I did this drug thing,many,many years,I know what it feels like,I also know what it is like today without them.

I wouldn't trade my worst day clean and sober for the best day while using.Freedom from the bondage of self,by removing the hurdle of drugs.

All those situations you have described revolve around the addiction.

All your friends are into the weed? Change your friends.

If you can't see a way to get straight and need additional help with getting clean,I suggest NA meetings(I went to my first meetings when I was 16)There are many people going through this exact thing there,they understand and can help.

upinsmoke · Nov 27, 2008, 05:43 PM

What your saying makes sense; do an addict
I just don't think I'm overy super addicted to weed? Its just weed
Its not even physically addictive, only mentally through habitual use. I think it all comes down to my habits, and I do have a job. I don't think all my problems come down to my "addiction", unless you think my frame of mind springs from it, but I fail to see the connection there.

And sorry for misusing the word "Crazy" And "Insane" I just couldn't think of anything else to say to describe my jumbled frame of mind.

J_9 · Nov 27, 2008, 05:59 PM

You fail to see it because you are on the inside, you are the one smoking the weed and making the bad choices in life. We, on the other hand, are on the outside looking at your choices.

For instance, 16 years old and having sex with 50 year old men for money. This is illegal and can land both you and the men in jail. It can also cause some STDs, one of which, if not treated promptly can cause a form of mental illness.

KBC · Nov 27, 2008, 06:01 PM

Originally Posted by upinsmoke

what your saying makes sense; do an addict
I just don't think I'm overy super addicted to weed? its just weed
Its not even physically addictive, only mentally through habitual use. I think it all comes down to my habits, and I do have a job. I don't think all my problems come down to my "addiction", unless you think my frame of mind springs from it, but I fail to see the connection there.

And sorry for misusing the word "Crazy" And "Insane" I just couldnt think of anything else to say to describe my jumbled frame of mind.

Understandable,the crazy/insane comment.

ANY use of recreational drugs can be detrimental to you,the effects are all over your post.

How long do you want to be like this?How much chaos can you take till you do something to end it(chaos)?

Overly super addicted.It's just weed.

What is that?Just a little bit pregnant,Just a small amount of rat poison... understand?

Any weed is too much for someone struggling with the issues you have described,period.

If a person complains about being mentally unstable and talks of drug use,and wants help,generally others will suggest removing the drugs,removing the chaos,removing the problems which the original person can control,so they can start on a stable standpoint.

That's where I am with you and your question.

If you can do these suggestions,maybe you can get help,I know I want to help,that's why I am writing to you.

I hope this is making sense to you and we can continue this conversation.

KBC

scottishdrunk23 · Nov 27, 2008, 06:01 PM

Stop smoking weed. There it has been said. Now moving on the paranoid deal is just a phase because the same thing happened to me a while ago.trust me it will pass.now as for the sleeping with older men deal (not that this excuses it) you are a teenager!you want sex!why you want it with older guys I have no ****ing answer for but try doing it with guys your own age and see if you can get yourself to your own age group(someone within the decade will do nicely).

upinsmoke · Nov 27, 2008, 06:20 PM

First of all KBC, thank you. That actually makes a lot of sense, I think that removing all the issues I can would probably make a stable ground for me to work from, on myself. If that means removing weed, whatever, I'll get a cat to pass the time hahaha.

And scottish drunk, I'll do my best to do just that hahaha. And I'm glad the paranoia will pass because I think that's what's bothering me more than anything. No one can just glance at me without me thinking "AHHHH THEY KNOWWWWW" (know what? I'm not sure lmao)

I guess I need to stabalize my life before I can stabalize my mind.

linnealand · Nov 28, 2008, 05:46 PM

You are not crazy. Your life is out of control. The good thing is that you're becoming conscious of the situation now, which means that you have the power to do something about it.

It sounds like part of what you're doing is rebelling and lashing out. Some degree of those behaviors is fairly normal in teens. However, I think that you've brought these behaviors to many very risky levels. It is by no means a safe path. I'm afraid that yourself esteem and self respect will continue to erode if you keep doing what you've been doing. Unfortunately, those are exactly the tools that will help you to get your good life back. You're also sending out a cry for help. That's what's going to save you from letting these things consume the real you.

With everything that's been going on in your life, and considering your family's psychological history, I think you would really benefit from some professional counseling. A great therapist can stand by you as you begin to take each step to getting a better handle on everything that's going on. I hope you take this idea seriously. It can only help you.

Even if you have enjoyed their company, the older men and 50 year olds who have been sleeping with you should be locked up in an underground cell with leaky pipes and rats at their feet. They're not men. They're pedophiles, plain and simple.

scottishdrunk23 · Nov 28, 2008, 09:15 PM

Originally Posted by linnealand

you are not crazy. your life is out of control. the good thing is that you're becoming conscious of the situation now, which means that you have the power to do something about it.

it sounds like part of what you're doing is rebelling and lashing out. some degree of those behaviors is fairly normal in teens. however, i think that you've brought these behaviors to many very risky levels. it is by no means a safe path. i'm afraid that your self esteem and self respect will continue to erode if you keep doing what you've been doing. unfortunately, those are exactly the tools that will help you to get your good life back. you're also sending out a cry for help. that's what's going to save you from letting these things consume the real you.

with everything that's been going on in your life, and considering your family's psychological history, i think you would really benefit from some professional counseling. a great therapist can stand by you as you begin to take each step to getting a better handle on everything that's going on. i hope you take this idea seriously. it can only help you.

even if you have enjoyed their company, the older men and 50 year olds who have been sleeping with you should be locked up in an underground cell with leaky pipes and rats at their feet. they're not men. they're pedophiles, plain and simple.

I can be an offensive person but I try not to be, but in this case I have to say it in the most offensive way possible(please try not to get offended 8P).

Yes counseling could work but you would be wasting valuable money on something can be right in front of you.Why pay a person 200 frigging dollars an hour if you can get the same crap from a good friend?In my opinion counseling is for people that don't have anyone to talk to and feel that if other people got good results from it then they will too.
In some ways yes they are right but again why pay for something you can have at home?

It's like paying someone for raking leaves.(stay with me here it's a metaphor) if you have a huge lawn (or a huge problem) then it would be easier to hire someone OR you could do it yourself and you would be a bigger man (or woman) because of it.Whereas if you have a small yard (or a small problem) then do it yourself or you are even more lost than you'd like to believe.

I'm not saying you shouldn't accept help but if at every point in your life you have a problem you see a therapist then you are not exactly in the best of shape.If you fight through this on your own (or with a friend) then you will have experience on how to deal with it if the need ever arises in the future (hopefully not).

As for those men I completely agree, they should be locked up in a very dark place with other men with high pitched voices and see how it feels to abuse someone.

Hope this helps!(and doesn't piss the wrong people off)

P.S.Sorry about not having any commas I'm too lazy to put them in :D:p

KBC · Nov 28, 2008, 09:46 PM

Originally Posted by scottishdrunk23

I can be an offensive person but I try not to be, but in this case I have to say it in the most offensive way possible(please try not to get offended 8P).

Yes counseling could work but you would be wasting valuable money on something can be right in front of you.Why pay a person 200 frigging dollars an hour if you can get the same crap from a good friend?In my opinion counseling is for people that dont have anyone to talk to and feel that if other people got good results from it then they will too.
In some ways yes they are right but again why pay for something you can have at home?

It's like paying someone for raking leaves.(stay with me here it's a metaphor) if you have a huge lawn (or a huge problem) then it would be easier to hire someone OR you could do it yourself and you would be a bigger man (or woman) because of it.Whereas if you have a small yard (or a small problem) then do it yourself or you are even more lost than you'd like to believe.

I'm not saying you shouldn't accept help but if at every point in your life you have a problem you see a therapist then you are not exactly in the best of shape.If you fight through this on your own (or with a friend) then you will have experience on how to deal with it if the need ever arises in the future (hopefully not).

As for those men i completely agree, they should be locked up in a very dark place with other men with high pitched voices and see how it feels to abuse someone.

Hope this helps!(and doesn't piss the wrong people off)

P.S.Sorry about not having any commas i'm too lazy to put them in :D:p

Your perspective seems to NOT coincide with most of the people here.But I do respect it as an opinion.

Some people can survive without seeking help,they are not the people we see in here!

This is ASK ME HELP DESK,do you see the name? See that word,HELP?I wonder what that means to you?

When someone asks for help,I don't see where telling them they are weak is very helpful.

If someone has a drug problem,I suppose you will explain how being 'strong' will end that problem also.

This post seems to be a very hard look at therapy,and recovery as a whole.

If therapy is so difficult for you,does that make it something you express in a negative light to someone who needs it?Is this your idea of helping others?Are you some kind of therapist,psychologist,psychiatrist,social worker?No it looks like a spurned,resentful spiteful person with no real insight into anything like real mental/chemical dependence counseling. I am glad your not taking my money for your 'therapy'. I wouldn't return to you.

While I do see some good ideas in what you are suggesting,it seems you think others are like you,tougher than your problems.Good for you! I envy you,I needed therapy and medications to get to where I am today,I believe this to be necessary for my peace and serenity,I also believe this works for a few million others.

Most mental help(here in the USA) doesn't cost what you stated,Most are free,or at such a reduced cost so the individual can afford it,and its surely cheaper than drugs off the streets.

So if someone writes in for help,please, look for the helpful side of your comments,not the self-willed 'tough it out stuff.Not everyone is macho man.

Thank you for your input,maybe you can add constructive ideas rather than hard core ones next time.

KBC

scottishdrunk23 · Nov 28, 2008, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by scottishdrunk23

Hope this helps!(and doesn't piss the wrong people off)

Look up.you do know where up is right?that will help, slightly...
It says I am not trying to piss people off I am saying what needs to be said.

I was merely saying that therapy isn't NEEDED!Sure it worked for some people but it hasn't worked for anybody I know.If you want a way out of this that will always be there for you but it is costly(and by the by it IS that much, at least in Texas) then go right ahead and do it. But imagine this (yes I'm using another metaphor) you have to get from your house to your aunt's and you have 2 choices, one road which you have to pay to use every time (therapy , obviously), or find your own way around and save yourself from paying every single time (dealing with it yourself).the damned road that you have to pay never worked for me but apparently it worked for other people so you decide.

And this is an off topic question but if you do respect my opinion then why do you cut it to bitter pieces when I'm trying to do this calmly and rationally?

scottishdrunk23 · Nov 28, 2008, 10:13 PM

And I like your signature linnealand, it is pretty funny!

scottishdrunk23 · Nov 28, 2008, 10:18 PM

Originally Posted by KBC

When someone asks for help,I don't see where telling them they are weak is very helpful.
KBC

Every time I reread your reply I find another wrong with it.I never said in that entire thing that she was weak.Again all I said was that it would be better if she got through this on her own!

KBC · Nov 28, 2008, 10:27 PM

Maybe you don't know anyone who has received any help from outside their box,Maybe it's the people you hang with that seem to believe therapy doesn't work,maybe those people didn't need the therapy.Do you think this poster does or doesn't need help,professional help?

From the get go,you set the table to 'piss' people off,you knew it and said what you did anyway.Makes me think you wanted to start trouble in the first place.

Costly,How many therapists have you,personally,checked out to find their costs?And how many services have you looked into to get help?Probably not too many,if any at all.As to your metaphor,what costs more,living in the chaos this poster has lived in for who knows how long,or the minimal cost of help.Whats more expensive,therapy or the cost of catching a disease,or smoking pot and getting into a car wreck and killing someone,getting pregnant and not being able to care for the child due to your mental illness,maybe toughing it out will take care of the child too.

I can find free therapy in almost every city/area in the entire US.

Please,If you can't give correct advice,don't send out this type of 'help' in the future,until you know the facts,don't print it.

KBC · Nov 28, 2008, 10:28 PM

Originally Posted by scottishdrunk23

everytime i reread your reply i find another wrong with it.I never said in that entire thing that she was weak.Again all i said was that it would be better if she got through this on her own!

The term weak is in reference to the 'tough it out' attitude you stated might help to get past her problems.

lunasmom · Nov 28, 2008, 11:19 PM

I am going to state the abvious. You are a teenager. It is an interesting time in human development. It is true what they say, hormones and a bit of insanity along with it.

The weed thing is the non-problem. There is nothing wrong with smoking weed as long as you are not dependent upon it to get through the day, YOu need to sit and ask yourself if you can quite. Do you absolutely need weed to move from one day to the next. If the answer is yes, then you need to let it go, seek some counseling.

For the sex thing, been there done that. When you are young, (as the drunken scottsman stated) you like sex. Why? Hormones. Simple put. But the sleeping with older men thing, I get that too. Do you have issues with other adult males in your family, do you have daddy issues? If so, what you are doing is trying to resolve these issues subconciously by seeking out a counter-part father figure who gives you some form of pleasure or approval. Just be safe, pregnancy happens, herpies happen also. Sex is a better outlet then drugs, you just need to be smart and safe about it so you don't end up dead, pregnant or with HIV. All very real things that have a very high possibility of happening.

The paraoia thing, welcome to being an adult. It goes hand in hand with the over analysing thing and is not helped by the frequent sexual activity and pot. You have managed to create a rather chaotic environment, which is not boding well with your phsyce. Once things calm down (when your hormones simmer down) the paranoia will ease.

Forget about the past history of menatl illness. It means very little in all reality, unless it is a frequent thing, going back at least three generations. Don't get hung up on this or you will begin analysis every move you make until it's a rag doll. Its not productive and potentially harmful. Its like being a pshyc student, when you first begin, and learn about all the mental illness out there, you trip yourself up in all the possibiliteis over analyse yourself and soon believe you have everything in the book, when in all actualllity you have nothing more then OCD. Which is quite common.

scottishdrunk23 · Nov 29, 2008, 12:08 AM

And by the way kbc thank you for saying I'm a macho man.this is the only compliment you've ever given to me and probably is the last one. The funny thing is is that it wasn't even intended as a compliment. Anyway in regard for the starting trouble deal that is just plain offensive.you are right, I knew it would piss people off but then again anything said or done can and will piss some people off.im not looking for trouble and the fact of the matter is, if you would have just said "i disagree because of..." then I would have respected your opinion as you said you did mine (*coughs*bull) but I still would have to disagree.Instead you go on a rampage to publicly humiliate my response and that's not nice.oh and by the by (I love saying that) you still haven't responded to you respecting my opinion. I'll be off for the rest of tonight and most of tomorrow but ill be back on to continue this chat.