I'm almost positive I'm a 100% crazy, and its eating me alive.
Okay well, here goes. I really don't know how to form this as a question to you so I think I'll just.. blab and see if anyone can help me draw some conclusions.
I'm insane. I'm delusional.
I convince myself that certain acts are okay, and only when I take the perspective of someone from the outside looking in, I see how utterly ridiculous I am, but it's already been accepted in my mind.
Examples?
1) I'm 16 and I sleep with much older men, like in their 50's some of them. They give me money and things like that as well but it doesn't feel like a prostitute transaction but more so like.. a boyfriend helping his girlfriend out? When I'm with them I see nothing wrong with it, I feel like a completely different person. But in real life if someone were to talk about people doing that, I wouldn't even connect it to me. My opinion on it would be "oh no thats terrible!" and I wouldn't even think "oh I do that." It's like I've completely disconnected the 2 sides of my life to the point where I don't even feel like the same person.
2) Now, I smoke a lot of weed, and I think it's made me pretty paranoid because I always think everyone is out to get me. Everyone. I'll avoid walking to the front of the bus to get off and I'll take the back door because Im afraid the bus driver is sitting there judging me. I'm just scared all the time.
3)Just like now, I constantly over-analyze everything. What people say, do, what's happening. I over-analyze myself more than anything. Just like now. I'm picking myself apart, this is how I think all the time, it's actually beginning to drive me nuts.
4)I have the worst mood swings. One day I can be the happiest person alive and the next I find myself staring at a bottle of asprin and I'd love nothing more then to take them all, but I never would. It's just a thought that goes through my head. I'd never kill myself because I love my family.
And finally
5) I am a compulsive liar. I feel like I have to lie about EVERYTHING and I don't know why. Like if I'm telling my parent where I'm going, lie. Telling a friend why I can't hang out, lie. If I simply chill with a boy or something, I end up telling my friends that more happened then actually did, and I convince myself that I have "a thing" with all these boys that I DON'T. Like I actually convince myself of that because I've repeated it so many times, but in the back of my mind I always know its not true. I've been like that since I was young.
My mom has a history of mental illness (im not completely sure what though? I think bipolar or multiple personality or something, but I haven't seen her in years as she's been in and out of mental hospitals and blahblahblah all my life)
And my dad has a history of depression.
All of this has been floating around in my head, forever. And I just feel like if someone reads it, just one person, and responds, then maybe I'll get some closure or perspective to either confirm or discourage the idea of me being absolutely insane, because that's what it feels like these days.
If you actually read all that, thank you hahaha
:confused::eek: