[Dean478]

Here I was, months away from the 3 year anniversary mark. I realise the signs in retrospect, but not at the time. Then bang! The break up.

My girlfriend "broke it off" essentially over the phone before we saw each other on her 21st birthday. He family were shocked. She had already planned a trip interstate I soon found out.

After 1 week of little contact, she returns from the holiday and the first thing she says is it didn't feel right because I wasn't there.

Turns out she met up with someone, had planned it and slept with them twice. Exactly 1.5 weeks after we broke up. THe guy was already flirting and seducing her before we broke up.

Now she's back, he's interstate and we STILL can't talk. I'm trying to reach out to her so badly but she just doesn't seem to listen. She tries so hard to avoid questions. Making herself sick, mixing words, answering certain quiestions etc.

I had to find out EVERYTHING by spying. It's stressed me to the point where I'm now seeing a counselor.

The thing is, I still want her. I toss up the positives and negatives and I want her back. I can't understand how she can move on.

Here she is days after returning from her holiday and she's very ill. Who was there to take her to the hospital? Me. Did she appreciate it? No doubt, she gave me a gentle kiss and later said she felt something.

But when I keep asking her about talking about us, or her new "boyfriend" (she keeps claiming she has no feelings for him so far and doesn't love him and that MAYBE she wants him there as more than a friend) she is unsure.

Yet despite this, she is still considering moving interstate to live with him (he's 15 years older than her), she's considering a job he's offered her and no-one even knows but her and a family member.


What on Earth do I do? I know people will tell me to avoid the depression and I'm trying but I just can't do it. Hence the counselor.

But her mixed answers, actions, what do I do? She obviously wants me as a close friend, but I feel betrayed and walked on right now. But I still want her back. She has no future with this person. Moving interstate a month after meeting them? IT took us over a year to consider moving out. Unfortunately we couldn't afford it.


Right now he is here to visit her in hospital sick, so I'm not visiting till he's back interstate. I also allude to absolute no-contact and she tries to reinforce that she'll talk to me soon.

Could use some advice. Keep in mind, I want to recover our relationship, it was so perfect and I should have seen how my recent behaviour could cause it to end. I should also have seen the signs. But that was then, this is now. Now I need to get things back on track.

[WakkieRob]

Dean, I have the same problem but in reverse and for some reason the older person wins perhaps because she feels more secure with the older bloke. I keep texting my ex to let her who I still love her but no reply. It feels desperate texting her saying I still love her and want her bad but eventually I'll have to move on I can't help texting her because I still think I love her so much and can't see where I went wrong so your not along. And good luck with the girl! Rob

[Dean478]

Dean, I have the same problem but in reverse and for some reason the older person wins perhaps because she feels more secure with the older bloke. I keep texting my ex to let her who I still love her but no reply. It feels desperate texting her saying I still love her and want her bad but eventually I'll have to move on I can't help texting her because I still think I love her so much and can't see where I went wrong so your not along. And good luck with the girl! Rob

It's so confusing and I think the best thing is knowing you're not alone.

This older guy only got her so fast because he offered the things for why we broke up. He can offer her a house, her job, a change of scenery and he sweet talked her right at her most vulnerable time.

She honestly feels that I was going to dump her first and run off and hated her so much. She is surprised when we talk lately about kids and the future. It's as if she never realised how much I cared. But she just can't decide if she's made the right or wrong decision and if she's on the right path right now.

I keep talking and she replies. She definitely appreciates me as a friend. Even if it's hard to interpret right now while being an emotional wreck in hospital (she's had so many illnesses lately).

But I don't know what this guy is to her. She said she felt she begged me for sex (even though I completely disagree, maybe the past few weeks before break up but I was working so much and not around her).

But the thing is, no-one else can talk to her about it. No-one knows she's with an older person, her family certainly won't approve being the traditional Europeans they are. And her future? How can she be certain? She's interstate, without her closest friends (me and her best girl friend), with someone she's known a couple months...

Very silly and she needs to see it.

[WakkieRob]

Mines the same the friend bit doesn't do it for me, what have I done wrong u know, now I'm left with our Son Jonny.
She just wants us to be friends but she wants me there with her
But she only talks when her boyfriends not around he's a bad Influence on her. But they already had there own child before kelly met me and maybe that's what holding her back. Find out what she likes doing then offer her chances to go with you by saying would you like to do this today. See what happens best of luck!
Maybe you could make out you still want to be friends but build it up again so you get her trust back for you.

[SimpleguyJoe]

I think your still missing the point... She went off and had sex with another guy a week after you broke up. If that does not say " I dont care " I don't know what does, it's a downright slap in the face after 3 years.

Does she OWE it to you to not sleep with anyone for at least a few weeks godforbid... The answer is no but any person that had any consideration for you would wait awhile. Im sure she had her justifying reasons ( she was lonely, trying to fill the gap blah blah blah.) and at least she broke up with you and did not cheat on you so I guess I have to give her some credit.

So you need to decide if it's REALLY worth it to you. Your situation already means that she is looking for "greener grass" and unless your willing to change for that your only prolonging what could be already over and done with. Don't just remember the awesome things about her remember all the S#&T she has put you through take the bad and the good level your head some and decide if you even truly want her back. Because if you do get back together with her somehow you will have to worry about this other guy for awhile and it WILL be a lot of work for both of you.

Even then you HAVE to let her come to you. Try not to contact her too much and let her think about it some to, just back off for the time being.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Very silly and she needs to see it.

There is the BIG thing, she DOES NOT see it because she is way too busy being woo'd by this new man in her life with the nice job, hook-ups, a house and promises of a better life.

Also why do you think she has not told her family? Maybe because she might know at some level that it could be one of those "too good to be true" things and her telling her family will only make her have to take in their responses and possibly shattering this dream she is trying to hold on to and believe in.

[Dean478]

There is the BIG thing, she DOES NOT see it because she is way too busy being woo'd by this new man in her life with the nice job, hook-ups, a house and promises of a better life.

Also why do you think she has not told her family? Maybe because she might know at some level that it could be one of those "too good to be true" things and her telling her family will only make her have to take in their responses and possibly shattering this dream she is trying to hold on to and believe in.

In addition to that, they won't approve. She keeps trying to avoid my anger about it also. Her best friend doesn't even seem to know what's going on.

[SimpleguyJoe]

She will wake up one day and realize this. You have to decide on if your going to be around when she does come to her senses... Hell maybe even leak it to somebody in the family.

But hey try not to cry over spilt milk. There also comes a point in life where you have to stop living in a fantasy and realize that running away with a someone twice your age might not work out so well. There will be massive differences in their lifestyles and the different paces of eachothers life might drive them up wall faster than you think once the initial attraction is over.

[Dean478]

She will wake up one day and realize this. You have to decide on if your going to be around when she does come to her senses... Hell maybe even leak it to somebody in the family.

Thing is, I want her to know I'm around. But I don't want to make her think I'm okay with what she's done while I wait.

A friend of mine has a fantastic quote about it, something he picked up while being a police officer:

"You've done the wrong thing, but I can help you if you are honest to me and yourself. But if you f-- me over, I'll charge you with every bloody thing I can".

But hey try not to cry over spilt milk. There also comes a point in life where you have to stop living in a fantasy and realize that running away with a someone twice your age might not work out so well. There will be massive differences in their lifestyles and the different paces of eachothers life might drive them up wall faster than you think once the initial attraction is over.

That's the thing, she's so wooed by him. He seems to play everything she wants. I wonder if he even has his own personality...

[redwee74]

Okay Guys, Dean and Rob, here is the thing we are all going through this at the same time but mine did not leave with someone older but there is an older gentleman in the picture that she use to see. This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but leave the women alone. Don't call text email anything if they do any of these to you just reply politely and short. They choose already and are keeping you all on the back burners because of comfort or something. You all must realize that you are better than that and that life does go on. Just hang in there and let the fantasies about how perfect the relationship was and then really think about it. It takes A lot of time. Remember there are billions of women out there and some who will love you and only you. Good Luck and God Bless

[Dean478]

Okay Guys, Dean and Rob, here is the thing we are all going through this at the same time but mine did not leave with someone older but there is an older gentleman in the picture that she use to see. This is going to be a hard pill to swallow but leave the women alone. Don't call text email anything if they do any of these to you just reply politely and short. They choose already and are keeping you all on the back burners because of comfort or something. You all must realize that you are better than that and that life does go on. Just hang in there and let the fantasies about how perfect the relationship was and then really think about it. It takes ALOT of time. Remember there are billions of women out there and some who will love you and only you. Good Luck and God Bless

And this is where it's so hard.

She kissed me in the hospital when I took her in sic. I was the only one there for her. I asked her why she did that and she said she felt something. She was spontaneous.

It's the reason I try to overlook this rebound.

She let me sleep over at hers when she got back and she even hugged me in her sleep like she used to.

She keeps saying she's not sure about her feelings, but tries to avoid it. When I talk to her, she gets angry.

When I told her it's him or me out of your life forever, she got angry. Said that wasn't a fair choice. I even told her I'm taking our photos off her and she started to accept it. Then quickly said "no, she'll see me soon".


Her best friend recently contacted me asking if I knew why she was moving interstate. I told her it's more than just a job she's been offered. Explained the story with this new guy etc. Her friend hasn't replied since I told her. Someone had to tell her the truth though.

Not sure how her best friend cannot know. But it matches the sudden moves she has made. Heck her clothes are still at my place. She doesn't even realise. But lately she's been wearing new things anyway...

[redwee74]

Dean she has moved on and is ashamed of her behavior that is why no one knows, I am telling you I have been through the same thing. The older guy is telling her what she wants to hear and she is taking it hook line and sinker. Her having sex with him that quick after the breakup is like cheating to me. I know it is not but that is a slap in the face. The deal is she is using you because of her confusion and no one knows because she knows it is wrong. If you must hide something then you know it is wrong. Period and she knows. Let her go it is hard I can hardly do it myself, checking my phone and emails to see if she has left any. But I know that I will be better off with out someone like that. It is like the Highlander Movies There can be only one. These women will realize what they have lost and if we are available then maybe but if not THEIR lose not ours.

[Dean478]

Dean she has moved on and is ashamed of her behavior that is why no one knows, I am telling you I have been through the exact same thing. The older guy is telling her what she wants to hear and she is taking it hook line and sinker. Her having sex with him that quick after the breakup is like cheating to me. I know it is not but that is a slap in the face. The deal is she is using you because of her confusion and no one knows because she knows it is wrong. If you must hide something then you know it is wrong. Period and she knows. Let her go it is hard I can hardly do it myself, checking my phone and emails to see if she has left any. But I know that I will be better off with out someone like that. It is like the Highlander Movies There can be only one. These women will realize what they have lost and if we are available then maybe but if not THEIR lose not ours.

It angers me so much! After all the begging for a week before she left, she ignored me and told me lies. She welcomed me over, but then lied again.

I don't want her to get away with it. I can't believe the only person who knows is encouraging all of this! I can't believe she can fall so easily. It's not like her!

Just s me to tears, literally. And despite this I still want it all back.

I was trying not to think about it. But lately the sex, TWICE with a new guy is driving me up the ing wall. My sadness has started to turn to severe anger.

Especially now that he has travelled interstate to see her now in hospital. And her relatives will visit and he'll be a "friend".

[Romefalls19]

Yep, you are their play thing when another guy isn't around. Once he comes around, off you go but not too far as she wants to keep you on the hook in case things don't work out.

SHE BANGED A GUY A WEEK AFTER YOU BROKE UP! Does that not scream out to you? Every time you think you want to go back, think of her on her back with him on her. Hope that makes you angry because I know it would tick me off!

[Dean478]

If I can just get her to admit it's wrong and face others, she'll see it.

When I said to her in anger "what do you think everyone is going to say?!" She absolutely broke down in tears... but then of course she speaks to the one person who supports her (not him) and she forgets how bad it is.

Problem is I ca't remind her, and he obviously won't.

[Dean478]

Yep, you are their play thing when another guy isn't around. Once he comes around, off you go but not too far as she wants to keep you on the hook incase things don't work out.

SHE BANGED A GUY A WEEK AFTER YOU BROKE UP! Does that not scream out to you? Everytime you think you want to go back, think of her on her back with him on her. Hope that makes you angry because I know it would tick me off!

It's beyond angry mate, it makes me sick.

But then the hopeful side of me says it's no different to thinking of past boyfriends before I met her... :S

[talaniman]

What a minute dude, while I understand your heartbroken, and hurt, this is something you can't fix, and will waste plenty of time trying. You walk away from a break up, and save your dignity, and self respect, through healing, and regroup, and completely leaving her alone.

You have nothing to do with her, and let her carry on with life, and you do the same.

We all have been through this, and if you read some of the other posts here, you will see that this happens all the time.

I understand your still freshly wounded, and confused, but trying to get answers that she doesn't have, will only keep you in the emotional turmoil your in now.

That's why you leave her alone, and let her do whatever she wants, its her life, and she doesn't want you in it on a relationship level, and your to distressed to just be her friend.

I know you don't like anything I am telling you, but for your own dignity, and self respect, walk away, and read the stickies in this forum, to understand what it is your going through, and what many here have gone through, before you embarrass yourself by not coping with this situation, in a positive way. Healing takes some time, and some work on your part, but is your best course of action to keep you from chasing a changed, confused, female and help you see the reality of your situation, and gives you the tools to cope with your loss, and make some good decisions for yourself. It starts with leaving her alone, and not worrying whether she will miss you, or change her mind, and getting your own self together.

One thing for sure, you can do this the hard way, and make the misery and pain worse, or you can do the work to heal, and deal with the misery, and pain.

Read those stickies, you are not alone. We all go thru this.

Sorry for your loss.

[redwee74]

Romefalls is right, he is always right. Just forget her, we most of us guys here are trying and go on with life. It will get better, because as far as our women situations go they can't get worse. She is a tramp just like my ex and played us. Let them with the repercussions not us. Look out ladies here we come.

[Dean478]

What a minute dude, while I understand your heartbroken and hurt, this is something you can't fix, and will waste plenty of time trying. You walk away from a break up and save your dignity and self respect thru healing and regroup and completely leaving her alone.

You have nothing to do with her and let her carry on with life and you do the same.

We all have been thru this and if you read some of the other posts here you will see that this happens all the time.

I understand your still freshly wounded and confused, but trying to get answers that she doesn't have will only keep you in the emotional turmoil your in now.

Thats why you leave her alone and let her do whatever she wants, its her life and she doesn't want you in it on a relationship level, and your to distressed to just be her friend.

I know you don't like anything I am telling you, but for your own dignity and self respect walk away and read the stickies in this forum, to understand what it is your going thru and what many here have gone thru, before you embarrass yourself by not coping with this situation in a positive way. Healing takes some time and some work on your part but is your best course of action to keep you from chasing a changed confused female and help you see the reality of your situation, and the tools to cope with your loss, and make some good decisions for yourself. It starts with leaving her alone and not worrying whether she will miss you or change her mind, and getting your own self together.

One thing for sure, you can do this the hard way and make the misery and pain worse, or you can do the work to heal, and deal with the misery and pain.

Read those stickies, you are not alone. We all go thru this. Sorry for your loss.

I've been reading the forum all night. Just hoping I can find a difference between mine and everyone else's... :S

In the meantime, I've gota get my $2000 PC I gave her and I want to take back her 21st present (a photo book of us). But he's at her place while she is in hospital and not sure how todo it.

[satswid]

Give her free space
Try to relax
Tell her you are happy if she is
Involve in other activities which keeps you entertained.
If she is yours, she will definitely come back
If not, she was never yours