[talaniman]

He has been calling and emailing me. Should I call him back today??

What should I say when I call him??

Until you are on more solid ground... do nothing at all. Let the emotional dust settle and see this whole thing through clear, logical, rational eyes.

Did his words match his actions? Think about it, and make up your mind how you deserve to be treated, and don't settle for less.

From anyone.

[Chery]

A couple months after we met, we had the talk about how our previous relationships were. Him and his ex used to live together for 6 years, and they never had a fight throughout their relationship, untill the last 2 years they were together. He told me they would argue a lot towards the end of their relationsip. He said he wanted to leave her, but she wouldn't let him go. He would try to leave their house after a fight, but she would literally get on her knee's, grab his feet and hold him down so he wouldn't be able to leave the house. He told me that he would have to wrestle her off sometimes.

When he told me these stories, he made himself sound like the victim. He made me think that she was the crazy one that started fights with him. I was thinking what lady who respects herself would get down on the floor and grab her guys legs so he wouldn't be able to leave??? He told me he never wanted to be in that type of relationship again.

Now, I'm realizing that perhaps it was him who provoked her to do all these things, and that he actually wasn't the victim.

This sure sounds like an immature pattern to me, and he will continue to want to win or be the 'victim' as long as he gets his way. He was bragging about how super he was.. but to me, it seems more like he loves the control and attention and likes to be demeaning - RED FLAG there!

Is it really worth texting him or calling him? You really need to get away and reach a more harmonious life. Sometimes we stay with people out of fear of being alone, and that's not reason enough. Don't let him take away your self-respect - as long as you put up with this, you are letting him and it's your choice. Is this what you really want for yourself? He knows what he wants for you, but you are not sure and secure enough about yourself..

You gave others pretty good advice in similar issues, how about taking some of it and applying it to yourself. Think about YOU! You deserve better!

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[MsJulia]

You gave others pretty good advice in similar issues, how about taking some of it and applying it to yourself.

I know. You're totally right. :(

[Chery]

Comparing the relationship you have with this person to the relationship they had with someone else is a migraine waiting to happen. It's like comparing apples to automatic transmissions.

I beg to differ there dear.
When you look in someone's face as they relate (or reveal) some of their past, it helps you recognize patterns and notice red flags in the future - if you don't think ''this time it will be different'' because of the lustful emotions within yourself.

Read the face and watch the body language to see if they match with the words spoken - it's all in communication. There are some great actors in this world and they practice at their talents.. from comedy to action - as from apples to transmissions.

[liz28]

There are two many red flags here and I think it's time to choose another path. Never allow any form of abuse from anyone nor accept any drama. He doesn't deserve you and don't know how to make a relationship works. Find someone who can. Begin a new chapter and I bet his ex will that but who cares. You is all that matter.

[ZoeMarie]

My husband does that - blames everything on me- after enough talking to him about it we've made progress. He doesn't say he's sorry for hurting my feelings until I'm crying hysterically. Any time I am upset about something he tells me he's fine and I need to deal with the fact that I'm not happy (more or less). Well that's not how I work. I told him I'm upset because of the way he handles issues. For example if we're arguing or disagreeing about something he acts like he doesn't do anything wrong and I've explained to him countless times that if he wasn't doing anything wrong I wouldn't be upset. Sometimes it doesn't sink in, but I think after hearing this enough he's starting to understand.

[AskJenny]

Is he working to better his career down the road? If he's taken on extra projects, be proud of him; let him work... bring him dinner, do something nice for him; spend 30 minutes with him and go do your thing. Right now accept that it's weekends only for quality time and that quickies are it for now; he's taken on extra work for extra money. It's not all about you... he's settled into this relationship with you and felt comfortable enough to take on extra work; it's not about you or him not wanting you; he wants you but he wants to better himself.
The arguing and name calling... you call him names too? You didn't mention that... just that you argue to the ground which isn't good and it's childish. Sounds to me like you're driving him mad to the name calling by sitting on his bed making him feel guilty for working and he is trying to concentrate on work knowing you're there so he feels guilty yet keeps working because he's taken on the responsibility of extra work and wants to do a good job. Go occupy yourself and if it's more attention you seek maybe he's now not for you? Quality time can be 15 minutes with someone you love if that's all you or he for that matter has to give at that time of their life. It's quality not quantity that matters most. So make it quality 15 minutes and go find something else to do. As for sex, if it's there it's there and you shouldn't not expect him to drop his work for sex. I understand we women want the intimacy as it builds the bond for us emotionally but you just have to know it's there and he's busy right now. And if you sense it's not there then select a time when he isn't working to have that talk... instead of the wkend party, select a quiet place and talk it out when he's not stressed out over trying to do his work and keep you in check as well.

[liz28]

I don't think the disagreements are the only issues here. The ex is. The ex is an extension of the problem. Communication and compromise isn't there.

[Chebaby]

Wel first tings first... u need 2 keep standing up 4 yourself don't let any man try an bring you down because of their stupid ways. It will only continue 2 get worst if you stick aroun an tak his s**t that way he will say that he has control over u... and not to be harsh are any ting but most likely he is cheatin on u... he is a a** hole for not apreciatin a good girl lik u ( am sure you are, you seem so) all you are lokin 4 is a little time an attention an he can't even spear 5 minutes good 2 spen with u, his woman. Every woman needs some good loving every once in a wile but in stead of that he acts like he prefers 2 mak love 2 his computer... Just leav him, if you leav sum1 an they bac then the relationship is meant to be but if he does not then you no it was not... u will fine better because there is better out there for you... 2 wrongs never mak a rite...

[Chery]

my husband does that - blames everything on me- after enough talking to him about it we've made progress. he doesn't say he's sorry for hurting my feelings until I'm crying hysterically. any time I am upset about something he tells me he's fine and I need to deal with the fact that I'm not happy (more or less). Well that's not how I work. I told him I'm upset because of the way he handles issues. For example if we're arguing or disagreeing about something he acts like he doesn't do anything wrong and I've explained to him countless times that if he wasn't doing anything wrong I wouldn't be upset. Sometimes it doesn't sink in, but I think after hearing this enough he's starting to understand.

Hi dear. Sorry about your issue and wish we could start helping you with it, but I don't think it's a good idea to do it on someone else's Thread. So, please start one, if you have not already, and give us a chance to concentrate on you there, and just you... we are here for all and want to stay concentrated. Glad you are here, and hope to see your own thread on this soon.

Just one hint: maybe you two are not speaking the same 'language' relationship-wise. Sometimes it's not what we say, but how and when we say it that's important. We can help you on that..

[Chery]

Wel first tings first.... u need 2 keep standing up 4 urself dont let any man try an bring u down bcuz of their stupid ways. it wil only continue 2 get worst if u stick aroun an tak his s**t dat way he will say that he has control over u... and not 2 b harsh r any ting but most likely he is cheatin on u.... he is a a** hole for not apreciatin a gud girl lik u ( am sure u r, u seem so) all u are lokin 4 is a little time an attention an he can't even spear 5 minutes gud jus 2 spen with u, his woman. every woman needs some gud lovin every once in a wile but in stead of that he acts like he prefers 2 mak lov 2 his computer..... Just leav him, if u leav sum1 an they bac then the relationship is meant 2 b but if he does not then u no it was not.... u wil fine better bcuz there is better out there 4 u..... 2 wrongs never mak a rite....

I can almost catch on to what you said dear. And what you said was positive and helpful... BUT! Please use plain old English and check the rules on using 'text' - I feel it's not polite and when it is no longer a 'fad' you'll be so mixed up you won't know how to write properly anymore. Please do us that favor. Thanks in advance.

Oh,OH! You also need to read the rule on rating a person. If it is a wrongly stated official fact - then disagree, but just because someone sees it another way - It's a no,no to rate them because of this.. Check our rules, please, or you might get lots and lots of bad ratings... You can write a new post to differ with a person on their views.

[AskJenny]

I can only give advice here from the scenario she is posting... that of laying on the bed asking him to talk, what's he doing, spend more time with me while he is working or trying to work and responding to her with things are fine, I'm okay it's you that has the problem because HE is trying to do his work, she wants attention and for him to stop and spend his time with her... choose her over his work. I'd feel a bit left out myself but maturity would then tell me that he is trying to earn more money, trying to better himself maybe down the road for that next promotion; let's promote so and so he takes on extra projects... she should understand and realize this and occupy her time with her own projects and spend the time she can with him when she can... name calling, arguing to the ground... that all comes from the emotional turmoil at the moment which could have been all avoided had she just said to herself, I love him, care for him, see he's busy and go do something yourself... co-dependency comes to thought here? You spent a year together, the newness has worn off and now for him it's down to relationship building.

[Chery]

Well, I don't think verbal abuse is not needed from either one here.

He could have told her that he was in the' Mr. Work my *ss off mode' and please be patient for a while until I get out of it. Then he could take some time to listen to her and just hold her for a few minutes - that would not kill him.

And she could have said OK, but on the next 'date' could it be something special without going to where all his buddies hung around - like a quiet dinner for two, a movie or a walk in the park. Then that evening, NO computer. At least that would give her something to look forward to instead of feeling like an intruder after such a long time.

It's all in the language - what is said and when - that needs working on. And when there are two strong individuals, it will take a lot of work.

I still think she can find someone who will pay more attention to her as she feels she deserves.

[Chery]

Is he working to better his career down the road? If he's taken on extra projects, be proud of him; let him work.....bring him dinner, do something nice for him; spend 30 minutes with him and go do your thing. Right now accept that it's weekends only for quality time and that quickies are it for now; he's taken on extra work for extra money. It's not all about you...he's settled into this relationship with you and felt comfortable enough to take on extra work; it's not about you or him not wanting you; he wants you but he wants to better himself.
The arguing and name calling....you call him names too? You didn't mention that...just that you argue to the ground which isn't good and it's childish. Sounds to me like you're driving him mad to the name calling by sitting on his bed making him feel guilty for working and he is trying to concentrate on work knowing you're there so he feels guilty yet keeps working because he's taken on the responsibility of extra work and wants to do a good job. Go occupy yourself and if it's more attention you seek maybe he's now not for you? Quality time can be 15 minutes with someone you love if that's all you or he for that matter has to give at that time of their life. It's quality not quantity that matters most. So make it quality 15 minutes and go find something else to do. As for sex, if it's there it's there and you shouldn't not expect him to drop his work for sex. I understand we women want the intimacy as it builds the bond for us emotionally but you just have to know it's there and he's busy right now. And if you sense it's not there then select a time when he isn't working to have that talk....instead of the wkend party, select a quiet place and talk it out when he's not stressed out over trying to do his work and keep you in check as well.

I put the balancer in your rating because you have a right to your opinion... I did not agree with your opinion and would have told you so on a post. But then you turn around and rate me.. real cute. Who is immature here? You could have just checked and left all the useless words out. I certainly will not waste my time with you again.

No man should try and 'keep a woman in check' at any time. He needs to learn how to communicate with warmth, caring and kindness - then he will get the same back, and she just might make dinner for him.

If you can't be nice to me all day, don't expect a dinner - make your own! And if you want to spend time around your buddies, good, live with them then. I'm out of the door looking for something better. No compromise unless I see you seriously meet me half-way. PERIOD!

15 minutes! After acting like a jerk all day, just jump bones?? NOPE!
Apparently, you have yet a lot to learn about a woman being 'turned on' - hope it happens to you some day. We 'get it up' in our heads and sometimes it takes all day to reach that stage. So if you are used to KY jelly all the time because your brain is somewhere else maybe counting the tiles on the ceiling, or your hand gets tired often, then enjoy your 15 minutes of bliss and go back to cleaning house, but don't suggest it to another woman who does not see it the way you do.

[floridanative]

You won't like this answer.
I promise you this situation will not get better. He is ABUSING you, he has no respect for you. You are allowing his ABUSE and still having sex with him! Lucky him...
Please find the strength and respect for yourself to get out. I know that is A LOT easier said than done... but You Can Do It.

[AskJenny]

As you can clearly see Chery I am new to this so I apologize on the "rating"; thought that's what I was suppose to do to reply instead of selecting the post quick answer. I'll reread to learn to better use this site.

No where have I suggested she should let her man keep her in check... never on that! As far as the 15 minutes go... if he's working and it sounds to me that she does require or is seeking more attention from him when he's working then maybe she as suggested should seek someone who can devote his full attention toward her... that or as I said make dinner if she likes to cook for herself and share with him too that's fine, go shopping... the thrust was for her to have a hobby while he works.
And no if I antagonized him to the point that we both ended up arguing on the floor I don't think I'd go put on an apron and cook him dinner; but I'd fix myself something if I liked to cook or maybe I'd go out and enjoy my friends... but I'd not sit on the bed and bug him while he worked for money to buy gas or necessities of life.
Again, sorry for your "rating"; I was just replying and no I'm not immature; I'm pretty mature... well unless I'm at Disney World... then bring on the immaturity; I'm a kid again!

[Chery]

As you can clearly see Chery I am new to this so I apologize on the "rating"; thought that's what I was suppose to do to reply instead of selecting the post quick answer. I'll reread to learn to better use this site.

No where have I suggested she should let her man keep her in check....never on that! As far as the 15 minutes go....if he's working and it sounds to me that she does require or is seeking more attention from him when he's working then maybe she as suggested should seek someone who can devote his full attention toward her....that or as I said make dinner if she likes to cook for herself and share with him too that's fine, go shopping...the thrust was for her to have a hobby while he works.
And no if I antagonized him to the point that we both ended up arguing on the floor I don't think I'd go put on an apron and cook him dinner; but I'd fix myself something if I liked to cook or maybe I'd go out and enjoy my friends...but I'd not sit on the bed and bug him while he worked for money to buy gas or necessities of life.
Again, sorry for your "rating"; I was just replying and no I'm not immature; I'm pretty mature .....well unless I'm at Disney World...then bring on the immaturity; I'm a kid again!

That's what I keep on stating... it's all in the way we communicate and pay attention - everybody deserves that in life. It's never too late to learn and we can all stay kid's at heart at the right time. Heck, I make coloring books for kids and tilesets for Mahjong games and love working with graphics on my PC, so I'm a 57 yr old kid who has a lot of other experience too though, let's not ignore that, please. My AMHD family has confirmed that many times and it honors me to be part of this wonderful family.

So, take it slow and read the basic rules and you'll do just fine. Your other posts show that you care and give good advice. It's just this one that went a little off, but there is always another day, and another poster with problems we can help with..

Good Night.

[talaniman]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now (he's 28

My dear, your still in a learning stage, and a decision has to be made. There are many adjustments to be made, by both of you, and yes this is a preview of your future.

You are the one to decide if you can work together, and build something, or is this just not going to work out at all.

Relationships at this stage, are a lot of give, and take, and a lot of hard work, or you get nothing in return.

[hardrockfanatic]

It does sound like he is stressed out but let's not justify his behavior. He made a choice to take on these extra projects. You need to sit down with him one more time and tell him you do not like how he is treating you and you know he is capable of acting better (he has proven that in the past) If he starts making excuses or his behavior doesn't change, it is not going to get any better and you would be smart to move on.

[Astrid17]

BREAK UP WITH HIM. That scare the crap out of him. Nobody derseves to be treated that way.