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classyT · Oct 8, 2008, 05:49 AM

I was vacationing with my hubby in Florida and we were teasing around in the pool. Out of NO WHERE he tells me that if I get any bigger he will have to put me in two urns. ( he knows that I do NOT want to be cremated so he was making a BAD joke about the urn which he has done before.) However, to add that I need to be in TWO urns... I can only take it he thinks I am fat. I haven't gained or lost any weight in about two years. He KNOWS I long to be thinner and am trying to get there but I am not fat... I was CRUSHED when he said it but I kept my mouth shut and tried to make the most of the rest of the vacation. I have since asked him about the comment and he said I took it the wrong way. ( and he chuckles like it was so funny when I bring it up!! ) He has told me for years he thinks I look great... I get so darn mad when he tells me I took it wrong and that I am too sensitive. But maybe I am... what do you think?

StaticFX · Oct 8, 2008, 06:11 AM

As a guy... I would NEVER say that. That is really just rude. I don't see any other way to take it except that he called you fat. I assume that's your real picture, and you look great. Don't listen to him.

classyT · Oct 8, 2008, 06:24 AM

Originally Posted by StaticFX

as a guy... i would NEVER say that. that is really just rude. I dont see any other way to take it except that he called you fat. I assume thats your real picture, and you look great. Dont listen to him.

Thank you! He almost made me feel like I was wrong for being hurt. And yes that is me, so thank you again.

hollylovesbrandon · Oct 8, 2008, 08:37 AM

He probably was joking. The only problem is he did it in bad taste. And now that you feel bad he feels bad for having said it and he laughs about it in hopes that you'll laugh it off too one day.

achampio21 · Oct 8, 2008, 09:00 AM

Is it possible that you joked with him about something that hurt him and that was his way of hurting you back? My husband and I get into fights, he says the MOST HORRIBLE things! But after it is over he says he only said it because he was mad and wanted to hurt me because I had hurt him with something I had said.

He may have laughed when you brought it up because he knew then that he had hurt you and it confirmed it. Not exactly laughing AT you but laughing because he had "won".

That's just my opinion. You are not fat. Consuming yourself wondering everyday if you look okay will only depress you.(trust me I know) And I don't think you are too sensitive. And even if you are, so what. He took you as his wife and that means he took the good with the bad. As you did with him.

JBeaucaire · Oct 8, 2008, 09:40 AM

Part of being married is learning to make molehills out of mountains. If he HAD said it with malice, this skill keeps you from overreacting. If he said it in jest, this skill keeps you from overreacting to something that was meant to be harmless.

I don't know he "owes" you an apology or not, but he is your husband and deserves the benefit of the doubt, the same as if the roles were reversed. (though you would probably apologize more quickly for accidental offenses)

If he REALLY didn't mean to be mean, you can forgive him, even if he hasn't apologized.

Wear a bikini around the house for a month, too. Get REALLY comfortable in your skin. Being sensitive is understandable, holding a grudge isn't necessary, though.

snowalps · Oct 8, 2008, 09:49 AM

Well that's certainly very churlish. I would never ever say that myself.NO. so you are very right and in no way ( even if you actually are quite sensitive) proves that you are emotional/sensitive. It has nothing to do with it. But, he of course said it the funny way and expected you to take it in the same spirit. It happens sometimes when we don't think before we speak( we always should) and expect our partner to take it in the same light. This is not a one off, it happens many a times. But get over it and make it clear to him tha if that was a joke, it better not be with this rudeness the next time.
And your pic says you are beautiful and actually quite much resemble Dido! Kudos! Take care :)

classyT · Oct 8, 2008, 02:51 PM

In all honesty, I don't think I am overly sensitive... as you mature you learn to brush things off and not take things to heart. But this did kind of hurt. Of course I forgive him but he keeps saying I took it wrong... I just didn't see any other way to take it and wondered if I was missing something. Thanks for all your responses!

achampio21 · Oct 9, 2008, 10:52 AM

I just wanted to leave you with this little thought... my husband tells me this all the time ( I am pretty down on myself sometimes too )

"We got married. That means till death do us part. Are you going to leave me when I am grey or bald and can't please you anymore?
Then you have to believe I won't leave you when you change with age either."

And from one woman to another.. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! And I am jealous! :D

450donn · Oct 9, 2008, 11:23 AM

Part of me wants to ask, where else in this relationship is he being abusive? I mean a comment like that is sort of off the wall, and maybe was meant as a joke, but it was wrong. If he won't apologize, then maybe it is time to evaluate the whole relationship and try and determine if this is part of a pattern of abuse or simply a bad joke by an insensitive person.

classyT · Oct 9, 2008, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by achampio21

I just wanted to leave you with this little thought... my husband tells me this all the time ( I am pretty down on myself sometimes too )

"We got married. That means till death do us part. Are you going to leave me when I am grey or bald and can't please you anymore?
Then you have to believe I won't leave you when you change with age either."

And from one woman to another.. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! And I am jealous!! :D

Thank you for your comments and the compliment.. you made my day.

classyT · Oct 9, 2008, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by 450donn

Part of me wants to ask, where else in this relationship is he being abusive? I mean a comment like that is sort of off the wall, and maybe was meant as a joke, but it was wrong. If he wont apologize, then maybe it is time to evaluate the whole relationship and try and determine if this is part of a pattern of abuse or simply a bad joke by an insensitive person.

Again, very good insight. He did say he was sorry... (I think)

DoulaLC · Oct 9, 2008, 05:16 PM

I agree, it likely was a poor choice of words as a joke, but the bigger issue might be that he dismissed your feelings on it once he knew it bothered you. Certainly not to hurt you, but wanting to minimize the whole situation. It's certainly normal to want your spouse to find you attractive and to be hurt if you feel they might not.

Maybe he would like it if you lost a little weight, but certainly wouldn't come right out and say it. Yes, we should love our mates no matter what, but thinking that way does not mean he loves you any less... and besides, you are wanting to lose a bit yourself. Maybe in an unconscience way, his comment was made with the intent to encourage your weight loss goal.

You said he tells you that you look great, and has for some time, so why don't you believe him? Since you are wanting to lose some weight, do you feel you are doing all that you could be to get to your goal or do you feel that you really could be doing more? Could his comment upsetting you, which may have been totally innocent, be more that you are frustrated with your progress and his remark was a reminder of that?

Let him know again, that you are wanting to get into better shape, and while you are working on it, comments such as those... even in jest, are more hurtful than helpful because in your mind, it makes you feel that he is not finding you attractive. Let him know that you realize he wasn't trying to be hurtful, but that it was.. . then leave it at that. If a comment is made again in the future, speak up about it at the time instead of letting it fester.

Work at your goal to feel better about yourself, maybe encourage him to join you as no doubt the exercise would do him good as well, and as Fr_Chuck said, get more comfortable in your own skin so any possible future remarks won't cause you concern.

classyT · Oct 10, 2008, 06:56 AM

DoulalC,

Yes I would like to lose about 10 pounds.. he knows this. I want to do it for ME not him but he insists that I look fine now... I go to jazzercise and I work my little hinney off trying. I guess I have enough of a fiesty personality that I don't want to tell him I'm "tryin". I figure... hey, you don't like the way I look... you know where the door is... do better. It ain't like he is Brad Pitt. I think he wanted to hurt me and it had NOTHING to do with the way I look or what I weigh.

Having said that, it IS my issue and I do need to work harder for myself... does that sound snotty, stubborn and defiant? Probably... but I wouldn't make that comment to him EVER. ESPECIALLY if I knew he was worried about his weight. ERRRR

StaticFX · Oct 10, 2008, 10:08 AM

New pic? Very nice! Nice v neck shirt... if only you had leaned a little more toward the camera! ;)

talaniman · Oct 10, 2008, 12:34 PM

You have a right to be sensitive, but please learn to let things go, or develop the quick wit, that bites back.

I learn to laugh at myself, and not take things personally.

JBeaucaire · Oct 10, 2008, 12:49 PM

Molehills out of mountains... the secret to peace.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2008, 01:31 PM

Your really to cute to be insecure, put him on the couch, with his own urns.

DoulaLC · Oct 10, 2008, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by classyT

DoulalC,

yes i would like to lose about 10 pounds..he knows this. I want to do it for ME not him but he insists that I look fine now....I go to jazzercise and i work my little hinney off tryin. I guess i have enough of a fiesty personality that I don't want to tell him I'm "tryin". I figure ....hey, you don't like the way i look...you know where the door is...do better. It ain't like he is Brad Pitt. I think he wanted to hurt me and it had NOTHING to do with the way I look or what i weigh.

Having said that, it IS my issue and I do need to work harder for myself....does that sound snotty, stubborn and defiant? Probably....but I wouldn't make that comment to him EVER. ESPECIALLY if I knew he was worried about his weight. ERRRR

Is there a reason he would want to get back at you; to hurt you? If he says you look fine now, and has told you that for years, I just wonder why this one comment made you doubt his thoughts of you or caused you to feel badly about yourself. Was this not an isolated incident with weight comments?

Your comment about working harder for yourself doesn't sound snotty at all... defiant, stubborn?. those can work in your favor to cause you to drive harder to reach your goal.

Of course what he thinks, or what your perception of what he thinks matters... at least somewhat, or else it wouldn't have bothered you in the least. The question is why did it bother you to the degree that it did? Maybe you just didn't like the reminder, especially coming from him, as you are well aware of what you have been trying to achieve. We would all much rather have positive comments and encouragement about something we are striving for... especially from loved ones.

Part of it may also be simply because, as you said, you wouldn't say something like that to him, especially if you knew he was worried about his weight... so it rubbed you the wrong way to have him say it to you. Nothing wrong with that... no one likes to be reminded that they have something to work on. It's similar to having someone make a suggestion about how to raise your child... even if we know they are right, and it is something we have been meaning to focus on, we don't like having it pointed out to us!

Good luck with your goal... :)

liz28 · Oct 10, 2008, 02:39 PM

Sometimes people just say things to bother you. He could have been joking but you didn't find it funny. When my fiancé says something I don't like I come back at him but me and him joke around a lot. Regardless whether if lose 10 pounds your still pretty and I bet your husband won't it when you do, that can be another reason why he said it.