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spop · Jul 4, 2008, 10:55 AM

My mother and father got a divorce when I was younger, and then later on they were thinking about getting back together again. This made me very happy, but death stepped in. My father died:(

Now there is a new guy that stepped in my mother's life. He tries to be friendly to me, but I don't trust him. I wish my dad was still living, and I would not be worrying about this.
What would you suggest I do?

I know my mom has her own life, but I just don't feel right around this guy. I'm at the age to to join the military or move out, but if I can find other options, I'll be fine.

N0help4u · Jul 4, 2008, 11:00 AM

The main thing you have to do is separate YOUR emotional feelings from intuitive feelings.
Then it should be easier to accept and deal with things where they stand

Fr_Chuck · Jul 4, 2008, 03:13 PM

I will say this always, it is your moms life, not yours, you should be happy that she is finding someone else in her life to make her happy.

You are not the one that may marry him, that is your mom, if you are not happy being in the home, it is time for you to move on.

JoeCanada76 · Jul 4, 2008, 05:41 PM

Even if you think you do not like this guy, I honestly think it is just because you feel that your mother is replacing your father, which of course is not the case. You need to be happy for your mother. I think that it is important that you support your mother, and be happy for her.

Is there any legit reason why you feel this man is a threat? Or No good? If not, then and if he turns out not to be that is up for your mother to find out on her own and to deal with it on her own.

It should not concern you. Your mom is an adult.

Joe

spop · Jul 26, 2008, 09:18 PM

If I get a wild girlfriend do you think my mother will support me?

N0help4u · Jul 26, 2008, 09:23 PM

She may be supportive of you but why do something drastic?
You have a lot longer future ahead of you and are at an age that the choices you make now will have the greatest impact on the rest of your life. Make your choices wisely.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 26, 2008, 09:37 PM

Originally Posted by spop

If I get a wild girlfriend do you think my mother will support me?

Most likely not, but then it is a mom's job to be a mom, tell you if she thinks you are wrong,

You can give you mom your opinion, but the right does not go both ways,

mimi03 · Jul 26, 2008, 09:51 PM

Do you have a solid reason not to trust him? Do you know something about his personality or past that may suggest he's not a good person or a good match for her? Or Do you feel pushed away?

I ask this question because I've been in this position. Unfortunately my mother has terrible taste in men and there was always a dead give away about the partners she chose that made me feel scared and worried for her.

It basically came to the point where I tried to tell her my fears about her partners, She listened and reassured me that everything would be fine...
Well the conversations didn't stop her... the relationships didn't work out because the men were indeed jerks BUT I finally came to the realization that She would do what felt right for her and I in turn should just focus on what's right for me.

Bottom line: it's not going to help you or her if you worry or try to come between her and her boyfriend. Just try to remain loving and stay out of her love life.
Trust me I know how difficult this may be because just like parents want to protect their children, We want to protect them too!

It will be most beneficial for you to focus on what's necessary to accomplish your goals. I found that once I went away to college our relationship changed in respect to how much I worried about her dating life. Sure I'm still concerned (mainly because I have younger siblings at home) but it's not such a huge focus anymore.

NowWhat · Jul 27, 2008, 08:45 AM

Okay, first off - I am sorry that you lost your Dad. I am married with a child and the thought of the day when I get that call telling me of my Dad passing brings me to tears every time. So again, I am sorry for your loss.

You had said if your Dad was still here then you would have nothing to worry about. Well, that can't happen. And you have to ask yourself this - Do you want your Mom to be happy? Or Do you want your Mom to mourn the loss of your Dad forever?

You probably don't trust this new man because he is not your Dad. No one will ever be able to live up to that. And it really is not fair to expect them to. Also, your Mom is not trying to find a replacement. No one can do that. She is trying to find happiness and peace. And you should want that for her.

As for you bringing home a "wild" girl. Well... you did say you still live at home. So Mom has a right to weigh in what she feels is right or wrong. You live under her roof.
Now, if you were on your own.. . She may express feelings about it, but you are an adult then, making your own way and she would probably see that.

Good Luck.

SweetDee · Aug 3, 2008, 11:03 AM

May I ask why you don't trust this new man... Do you feel like he may be using her for money, perhaps? (Maybe you should voice your concerns w/ you mom.. ) Your mom does have her own life... and at some point she KNOWS that you will be moving away. All kids grow up and leave... Maybe the military is a good idea for you, if that is your desire. (However, moving out and going toward the military is never a good idea JUST BECAUSE you want to move out). As you said there are other options, like perhaps moving in with a friend.. Or move in w/ an aunt and uncle? Grandparents?.

spop · Aug 17, 2008, 04:28 PM

This link helped me out a little, except I'm grown and my father has passed.

How to Help Your Child Accept a Second Marriage - wikiHow

kittycatMandy · Aug 17, 2008, 06:02 PM

Why don't you trust him??

spop · Aug 19, 2008, 09:19 PM

Originally Posted by kittycatMandy

Why don't you trust him???

Sometimes it seems as he is trying to play her.

spop · Aug 19, 2008, 09:23 PM

It has gotten deeper. I just found out my mother is using real witchcraft to keep love strong with him. She's burning stuff and saying chants. I didn't know she would do anything like that.

asking · Aug 19, 2008, 09:32 PM

Originally Posted by spop

Sometimes it seems as he is trying to play her.

Can you give an example or say more about this? How is he playing her?

spop · Aug 28, 2008, 09:59 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Can you give an example or say more about this? How is he playing her??

He asks her for free rides around the city, and free food. Kind of like he's homeless.

asking · Aug 28, 2008, 10:30 PM

Some people like to feel taken care of. It isn't necessarily bad. It could be his way of asking for love from you mom and maybe she's okay with that? Hard to tell from here.

It's sad that your father died. My mother died when I was 14 and my father started dating a family friend. I felt angry with this woman because I felt like she was trying to replace my mother, which I felt she could never do. I wasn't very nice to her. After a few years I got sort of used to having her around. When I went to college, my father wouldn't help me. He said he couldn't afford it, although I never felt like that was really true, because he spent lots of money on wine, records, and electronic equipment. But this women he'd been dating ended up helping me through college by letting me stay in her in-law apartment for not very much money. I was really lucky she helped me. She was pretty nice to me. After she and my father split up, I stayed friends with her and was really glad to have her in my life.

What I'm trying to say is that life is short and if someone is trying to be nice to you, maybe you should welcome it. You never know how things will go. I do think you should care about whether your mother is dating someone who could hurt her feelings or take advantage. But your father has passed and it's normal and healthy for you mother to want to be loved.

Would you like to be closer to your mother yourself? Do you feel like you are getting shut out a bit since this guy has been around? I think that would be really hard.

spop · Aug 29, 2008, 10:20 PM

Originally Posted by asking

Some people like to feel taken care of. It isn't necessarily bad. It could be his way of asking for love from you mom and maybe she's okay with that? Hard to tell from here.

It's sad that your father died. My mother died when I was 14 and my father started dating a family friend. I felt angry with this woman because I felt like she was trying to replace my mother, which I felt she could never do. I wasn't very nice to her. After a few years I got sort of used to having her around. When I went to college, my father wouldn't help me. He said he couldn't afford it, although I never felt like that was really true, because he spent lots of money on wine, records, and electronic equipment. But this women he'd been dating ended up helping me through college by letting me stay in her in-law apartment for not very much money. I was really lucky she helped me. She was pretty nice to me. After she and my father split up, I stayed friends with her and was really glad to have her in my life.

What I'm trying to say is that life is short and if someone is trying to be nice to you, maybe you should welcome it. You never know how things will go. I do think you should care about whether your mother is dating someone who could hurt her feelings or take advantage. But your father has passed and it's normal and healthy for you mother to want to be loved.

Would you like to be closer to your mother yourself? Do you feel like you are getting shut out a bit since this guy has been around? I think that would be really hard.

Yes, I would like to be closer to my mother, but not too close. Yes, I do feel shutout when he is around; examples: phone calls and outings.

talaniman · Aug 29, 2008, 10:52 PM

Bet you have many emotions, and attitudes, to deal with, and one thing for sure, I don't think you can effectively focus on the most important thing right now, and thats you. No doubt your present surroundings are distracting, and I really think you could benefit from the service, or college, at this time, to develop yourself, and grow into what it is you want for yourself.

Everyone has problems, or they do things we don't understand, but the real issue is about what you want, and how best to get it. You just have to let others do their thing, like it, or not, and you start doing yours, as for all the time, and energy, worrying, wishing, and hoping, you have no control over anyone. You do have control over yourself and your choices, so do for yourself.
Good luck.

spop · Sep 10, 2008, 06:46 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Bet you have many emotions, and attitudes, to deal with, and one thing for sure, I don't think you can effectively focus on the most important thing right now, and thats you. No doubt your present surroundings are distracting, and I really think you could benefit from the service, or college, at this time, to develop yourself, and grow into what it is you want for yourself.

Everyone has problems, or they do things we don't understand, but the real issue is about what you want, and how best to get it. You just have to let others do their thing, like it, or not, and you start doing yours, as for all the time, and energy, worrying, wishing, and hoping, you have no control over anyone. You do have control over yourself and your choices, so do for yourself.
Good luck.

Ok.