[spyyder]

I've been dating quite a few women lately and my relationships last from 1-20+/- days. All my past GF's say that I'm a great guy but they don't want to date someone who doesn't want children.

Personally I really really don't want children (till I'm very old) since I've seen how much of your life they consume (especially the best age of your life), how your partner will care for the child more than yourself (which I think is ridiculous) and how they make it hard for a couple to have a real love/sex life (my father told me that it killed him when he realized that my mom loved me more than him - so I don't want to go through what my dad did). I'd love to have children when I'm over 65 since they'd make me feel younger, I would have already lived a great carefree life (the sex with my partner wouldn't be so great in that age so it wouldn't matter if I had to spend all my time with the kids) and I get the joy of fatherhood. I know that at that age my partner wouldn't be able to produce a child, but I have no problem adopting (even from outside the US).

However most women (by most I mean all) I date want to end the relationship with me as soon as they hear my 'crazy' idea of having children (that I want to have then when I'm old). I just simply want to live a happy carefree life with 1 woman (who will love me the most, and I will love her the most.. more than anyone) and then have kids in the last stage of my life.

Why do women want children so badly? I've NEVER had a long relationship with someone due to this (and its impossible to find a GOOD & nice woman to date that doesn't want children, or wants them in her old age). I need to come up with a solution - I'm bisexual so I'm actually thinking of pursuing dating guys (so yeah I'd be gay) instead of girls to solve my issue (unless there is another way).

[valinors_sorrow]

If you look around, you'd see who is having children in their later years... older men who attract young women for various reasons (ahem) and the young women produce the children. Most of that is a byproduct of high divorce rates too. This should tell you a lot. Notice its rarely the women though.

Not all women want children, but those who do know the biological clock is ticking in order for them to bear their own. Or have the enegy to care for them, if they adopted. There are some who can't have them (like me). And there are some who choose not to but rather focus on careers - maybe you aren't accessing those women somehow?

I don't think your plan is so strange except for it doesn't account for who is going to take care of the children when you and your honey (male or female) are both old? Kids are a lot of work, dude! :p

I can just see what goes through the heads of any women who actually qualify by not wanting children ("oh great, he'll trade me in later for a young one who can bear his kids!!") That would make me run like hell too. :eek:

Maybe it would be more wise to just say you don't want kids for now and leave it at that? Too far down the road is, well, too far down the road.

PS I don't think you are having relationships that only last 1-20 days, you are dating for 1-20 days... a relationship takes considerably more time than that! And if you are bringing up baby talk then, well its seems to me there may be more going wrong here than just what you've mentioned. :)

[kp2171]

first, people who do not want children should not have them simply to satisfy another. So no complaints about your being honest about not wanting kids, or at least not now.

in the same light, you should not knock others desire to have kids. Yes, I know much of your frustration is simply from how difficult it has been to find someone who has the same values... and that frustration is reasonable. Again, you are asking for a partner, you just don't want kids. That's OK.

there are a few things to think about. I know you mentioned adoption, but many women actually want the experience of carrying the child, even if the physical toll if real. My wife absolutely LOVED the connection she felt toward her children when she was carrying them. And a woman's fertility changes over time. It is much, much harder for a woman to get pregnant at 40 than it is at 20 or even 30 without the use of fertility drugs. Also, the toll on the woman's body is real. My wife has had two children, one when she was 21 and the other when she was 37. She was in the best shape of her life when she became pregnant with the 2nd... her body was in a powerful place. The pregnancy took its toll and now, 2 years later, she is just about to get back to that place again. I'm not saying she's sorry at all and wouldn't do it again, but the toll it takes on the body is real and the older you are the harder it can be to recover. Certainly adoption is a possibility to consider in later years if the toll on the body is worrysome. We are very likely to adopt in the next several years. But if you would ask my wife would she rather have not carried the children, shed say she absolutely would want to have carried them.

also, it might seen like fun to have a child at 65... but your body will not be the same then either. My mother is in her 50's and loves to chase the kid around, but not all the time. There is no guarantee that you will be in any kind of shape to be able to chase after a kid then. So again, many opt to have children younger because you are physically in a better place. My mother had me at a young age and it was a blast having a mother who liked some of my music, who could run around a park with me and keep me in line.

it is true that kids change your life. Our oldest was one year from HS graduation when we had the second. Before he was born we were making all kinds of plans that involved being more spontaneous and carefree again. After, well... our plans have changed for SURE... but its still all good. I miss some things in my relationship with my wife, but we make do and try our best.

so I think your frustration is understandable. But for those of us who do want children, having them during those "best years" is really not a conflict of interest. Yes, sex becomes more difficult to manage, but you can do it. As for the spouse loving the kids more than you... I just disagree here. I'm sorry your father felt so put off and this has made you question the connection between spouses when they have kids.

my wife loves her children to death. But she is committed to me in mind and action, and I am to her. I know a healthy, happy marriage is not necessarily exclusive from having children.

again, good for you to know your position. I'm sorry its been tough to find what you're looking for.

[kp2171]

Oh... and forgot to mention... even those who might be willing to wait might be frightened off by "what if"... as in birth control isn't 100% effective. So what if they get pregnant... you clearly don't want kids. There's a trust issue.

My child is absolute proof that birth control doesn't always work. Thrilled to have him, but it was not planned at all. Even women who have tubal ligations can get pregnant...

So even if you find someone who is remotely on the same page they might be frightened by the prospect of getting pregnant unintentionally. You've made it clear that you don't want kids to interfere with your ability to have sex (and they do) but having sex and having kids, intentional or not, go hand in hand, and you know this.

[Fr_Chuck]

Actually there are women and men who both don't want children, perhaps you should try a dating service ( I know everyone, I have never recommended this before) but this is a more special case of someone with more specific areas that are hard to find out about on the first few dates.

As a father of 4 boys and my first wife passed away, and the 4 boys grown, I was also that way, and found the women who also agreed that she wanted her carrerr and no children. Well that was until 2 years into the marriage and she changed her mind.

I am glad now, I have a wonderful son, but it has changed all our plans and life

So even if you find one that says they don't, unless you have made sure you can't have any, even ones that say no now, always can change their minds.

[talaniman]

Do you really have to tell EVERYTHING so soon?