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confuseddia · May 16, 2008, 02:49 PM

My boyfriend of a little over a year said that he fears that he will never love me the way I want him to love me. We have basically lived with him for about 10 months and officially for about 4. Things are great, we are great companions and love to do the same things. I am hyper-emotional and he is hyper-rational and so far we have been able to stabilize each other. We have never even had an argument

Two day's ago, abruptly, he told me that he felt that there was a major differential between the degree that we are emotionally dependent on each other. That I am much more dependent on him and while he likes me a lot he feels he has plateaued in his feelings and while he couldn't tell the future he was pretty sure he would never love me. He said that he was fine with the relationship the way it was, but unrealistically, did not want it progress. He admitted that it was unrealistic, but said that he would feel terrible if the relationship continued because he felt like he would be stringing me along.

Personally, I cannot rationalize breaking up when the relationship is perfect out of fear for the future. The future is always uncertain, peoples feelings change, mature or they meet someone else.

I am fully committed to him and fully committed to fighting for him. Last night, one night after the break up, he sent me an email telling me the things he had left at the house that he would hold until the next time I wanted to see him, and he said that he missed me already.

Is the fight worth it even if he thinks that he will never love me? Should I fight on the hope that his vision of the future is wrong and mine is right?

Shakedown24 · May 16, 2008, 05:01 PM

Although I am going through something right now, I will try my best to contribute to this forum because everyone has helped me so much.

From what it sounds like, he has made a decision about your role in his life. Being that he is very rational, you can't argue against the fact that this decision he has made is a result of much thought. It seems he has a rationalized degree of care for you instead of love; I always thought love to be something almost entirely emotional. It could also be that it is in his nature, as a super-rational person, to not be emotionally available; and it is not so much that he doesn't love you but more because he doesn't know how to love you. There are some people so encased in their world of reason that any shred of emotional outlook on life becomes one not only of irrationality but also of vulnerability.

How is he with family members? Is he affectionate and open?

Also, it may sound like the way he is describing how he feels about is a form of pre-emptive striking, that is, he is foretelling his feelings for you in the future as being ones that don't correlate with you two being together because maybe that's the way he feels right now.

I am very sorry for your loss, I know from first hand experience how gut wrenching it can be to lose someone out of the blue when it seemed things were perfect. It is hard and confusing.

talaniman · May 16, 2008, 05:08 PM

Take him at his word, as he is telling you straight and honest, there is no future he can see. Sorry.

JBeaucaire · May 16, 2008, 11:11 PM

Your story presents his side clear and honest:

he told me that he felt... I am much more dependent on him and while he likes me a lot he feels he has plateaued in his feelings... he was pretty sure he would never love me... he was fine with the relationship the way it was, but... did not want it (to) progress. He admitted that it was unrealistic... if the relationship continued... he would be stringing me along.

That all sounds pretty mature and honest. But your next comment screams "I don't hear him":

I cannot rationalize breaking up... The future is always uncertain, peoples feelings change, mature or they meet someone else... I am fully committed to him and fully committed to fighting for him... he sent me an email telling me... that he missed me already.

If EITHER dating party loses interest, it's over. He told you that, and now you're looking for an excuse to ignore him.

If you were pursuing a NEW guy, his lack of interest could be ignored. You've been with him a year. You two know each other plenty well.

That last little "I miss you" comment, albeit probably true, is just him trying make himself feel a little better without stopping to think how much worse crap like that is going to make you feel. He's not interested anymore. THAT's the truth.