[chrissyp]

My husband and I married out of love, or so I thought. We have been together for 11 years and married for 3. He was always a kind man who took care of me and told me every morning that he loves me. He felt a lot of times that I didn't love him. I was holding back some of my feelings because I was confused and felt neglected by him. He would spend a lot of time at work and would come home tired and would make decisions without me and would leave me even on weekends to work because money was not enough for us to live. He has some debt and I think he just got tired trying to make me happy and provide for me that he neglected himself and his well-being and needs. Anyhow, our lack of communication reached the point where we were each just living our own lives for ourselves and just kept fighting and hurting each other. He just started neglecting me more and I would get upset and just add to his stress with my "nagging." I never meant to be controlling or push him away. I just wanted some attention because no matter what went wrong he never took action to make things right and gives up too easily. Now he has given up on the marriage. He feels he can do nothing right so why try? He left as if he can't stand being around me another minute. I calmly talked about all my feelings and poured my heart out to him and even apologized if I ever made him feel bad. He won't even apologize and doesn't even want to try to work things out and make changes. He feels the best answer is to be apart and that we will be happier going our separate ways. He hasn't talked divorce yet or taken his things. He is living at his mom's house. I don't know what I should do now? I know there is no other woman. I know he is depressed and stressed and feels nothing is going right in his life right now. I want to reach out to him but he has shut me out. He says he can't feel what he used to for me and wants to see if he will miss me and feel anything being apart. Should I take this as hope or just an excuse? I know I shouldn't think the worst as this happens with many men but can't help but feel abandoned. What can I do to get him back and give us another chance?

[Sammii]

Hey darling, I'm new to all this, but I will try and help you as much as I can, I think maybe hun you need to give him some space, I understand it will be hard for you, but it might be the best bet, and he will realise what he's missing, go out and do your usual what you would normally do, give it a couple of days and maybe give him a phone call? See how he is? Say to him that you can make things better, ask him for a second chance, maybe ask him out for a coffee or invite him round and talk things out properly. As that is what the key thing is to any relationship is communication, ask him to come round for a chat to talk things out about how he feels and how you feel...

I personally think, that you need to chill out hun, going on at him nagging all the time will affect how he's feeling, I am in the same boat with my other half, he works late all the time, it does hurt and you do feel neglected I agree, but you just need to talk things out

Hope this helps, if you need a chat or anything PM me, ill be happy to help x

[chrissyp]

Have any of you experienced a separation where your husband chooses to leave rather than try to resolve problems? I have been hurt by my husband's aloof behavior many times throughout the years. We have been together for 11 years and married 3. I stuck by him and forgave him for the way he treats me sometimes because I knew it wasn't because he doesn't love me but because he has issues of his own. He feels worthless and that he hasn't accomplished anything in his life. He also gives me the sense that he feels inferior to me and can't make me happy no matter what he does. The real problem though is just lack of communication because when things bother him he never says anything and just shuts me out. Now it has reached the point where he can't take it anymore and thinks the best decision is for him to leave so we can go on with our lives separately in hopes of finding something better. He doesn't feel we can fix things but he hasn't even given me or us the chance! I have been very patient with him and just let him go so he can clear his head. He gave me no choice. He was just giving me excuses all the time to leave and it was obvious he didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. It has been 4 days now and he texted me on the first day to see how I am. I didn't answer because I was hurt and just wanted to give us some space. He sent another text yesterday to say hi, how are you. I thought it may be that he was trying to open up communication and didn't want to dissapoint him or shut him out so I answered a simple I am doing OK, out with friends, how are you? He was sweet in his reply and said he was OK although had some allergies. He wished me to have a good afternoon and added "see you, kisses". Should I take this as a good sign and that there may be hope in us getting back together, or could it just be that he feels guilty and is doing his duty as a husband to check on me? I am in such a Limbo not knowing if my marriage is really over or not but I refuse to think that it is all over and give up. Please help!

[mullins7040]

I understand I have been there. I've been married 5 years, and my husband and I have split 3 times, recently within the last 2 months. He's back now, I don't know what men be thinking. They know they have a good woman, you sound like me I bent over and over for my husband and our relationship. This last time I let him do what he thought was right. The first two times I would call him, try to see him, threw myself at him. This time honey when he walked out that door, I changed my number, I would call him so he could talk to the kids with a blocked number, and when they were done talking I would hang up. I showed him that what he didn't want to do there was somebody out there that would. And even if that didn't happen I loved me. After about a month he came to my job and told me that he couldn't do it, that he couldn't live without me. I didn't just let him move back in oh he had to work like he was interviewing for a job. I told him stop playing with my heart, if you love me, you love me, if you don't let me good, stop playing these high school games. Life is too short and time out for playing games. I say if you really want to know where his heart is ignore him. Don't call if he call you let it go to voice mail, find something else to occupy your time show him that life is not all about him.. I'm sure you will get some results.

[JBeaucaire]

Lose the text messaging. If he texts, call him back and TALK. When you say good night, tell him to CALL, not text, texting is for kids. You don't work on relationships through email, and that's all texts are... short email. You TALK.

As for your issue, I can say this for sure - regardless of his communication issues, he will come back if there is something safe and secure and BETTER to come home to.

Women have a much deeper ability to forgive and tolerate due to their nurturing instincts, it's almost a requirement. So if you're going to be forgiving him in this situation, be forgiving for real.

Also, don't sit around waiting and wondering. You're an energetic, motivated and enthusiastic person. With him gone, that means more energy for you to focus on the things that make you a solid, self-sufficient individual. The best gift you can give your husband is your awesomeness... not dwindled by your time apart.

Let him see you will blossom and grow and happily infect the world with your goodness and ability to motivate with or without him... and that gives him something to remind him how attractive you've always been to him. Your ability to operate strongly as an individual is actually a PLUS in this situation.

I think ignoring him is just another game. Stay honest, loving, caring, open and gentle. But don't sit around waiting either, have some life!

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes the worst thing science ever created was text messaging, for heavens sake it is a telephone, you can call and talk to them faster than type the words in.

It is common in seperations of less than 30 days to work things out, in fact a few days apart often help people find or learn what is important

[chrissyp]

Thank you all for your support. It helps to hear the positive side of things too. As for the texting I think he is just scared to call because is afraid I will start crying or that we will fight again. Obviously he just isn't ready yet and maybe just checking to see if I am still mad. He knows he has a lot of explaining to do so for now is avoiding calling. Also talking on cell phones can be quite expensive and one of our major problems are indeed financial. I took a step last night to call him and he called back. I just asked how he was doing and asked about some bills we have to pay. I wasn't bitter or hostile and didn't mention anything about when he will be coming back. Let him miss me and try to get in touch when he is ready I am thinking. I let him know that I am doing just fine and going out so he doesn't think I depend on him or need him. He even sounded a bit sad and said he hasn't been doing much at all, just maybe a drink with a friend here and there. He is living at his parents house next town away. I asked about his studies and he said he probably won't get to finish his project because he has no computer. I really find this all so silly because we have a PC here at home. I don't understand why he doesn't just come back! If he wants he can come. Is he expecting ME to suggest it? I mean he is the one who made it clear that he doesn't want to be here and feels uncomfortable and thinks it is best we split up now that it is still early. I never mentioned a separation so I don't know what he is thinking and what he wants. It really is so difficult living in this limbo. Anyone who has been through a similar situation.. I would appreciate all the insight and tips I can get. Thanks!

[chrissyp]

You may already know my story as I have recently posted my story in a different question on how to get my husband back. He has left for about a week now but hasn't even taken his things yet from the house. He is living at his parents next town away. I keep reading all these tips on the internet about what NOT to do. Don't call him, Don't text him, agree with the separation and all that. I have been following the advice to a point. I only text him if he texts me and not always. I wasn't the first to initiate communication and last time I talked to him on the phone I only asked about some bills and didn't appear needy in any way. I told him I have been going out with friends and doing OK.
The thing is that I know deep down he loves me and is struggling with his ego and himself because he feels worthless and that can't offer me anything. He didn't sound like he was having a good time on the phone. He appeared still depressed like his life isn't going anywhere. I feel responsible for making him feel this way because I know he holds a grudge for how I didn't compliment him enough or appreciate him. I don't want to lose him or break up our marriage because of silly misunderstandings because I DO appreciate him. He hurt me but I forgive him and feel he should know some of these things. I wrote a letter about all the things I feel bad about that I have done wrong. I write that I understand how he feels and want to help and also about why I felt neglected by him. I don't ask for him to come back or beg him or profess my love or anything so as not to be pushy. Do you think this is OK? Will it help to give it to him or will it just make things worse? Has anyone ever tried it? I am desperate to tell him these things somehow without nagging him or badgering him because I know he avoids me out of his fear of conflict so I don't know if I will ever really have the chance to get through to him. I don't want to appear desperate but don't want to waste anymore time apart either.

[SadSoul]

Yes you can write your husband a letter if you want to save your marriage. I don't think nothing is wrong with it. If he has asked you to give him space then I think you should respect that, but I would write the letter to let him know exactly how I feel about him and about us.

[JoeCanada76]

This is your husband, and it sounds like there was a break needed. When communication fails then marriage eventually fails. You are right to open the lines of communication.

I do not know any of the story but you write that letter. There is not guarantee he will read it, or respond right away. Also you need to make sure HE GETS IT HIMSELF AND No one ELSE GETS THERE HANDS ON IT.

Best wishes and best of luck.

[mustard_seed]

Hate to put this out there in the universe but... My first husband used to pick fights over the dumbest things like who feed the dog last. He was going to hotel rooms after walking out--the same hotel as usual--the mid-range price ones with the entry on the front balcony where you can see who's coming & going. This happened so many times, I wouldn't worry about it. The last & final time he left, my plan was to sit outside across the street in my car to see how long it would take him to reach his room after work. I have no idea why I wanted to do this--just popped into my head is all. Well... When I arrived he was already there. As I wondered what to do next, the office secretary pulled up & parked her custom colored vehicle in the next empty space, then used a key to let herself in! I guess he was in the shower & she joined him (maybe). Strangely, I was not angered or hurt but was confused since they COULDN'T STAND one another---or so they were known to say. I called the front desk and continued until he finally answered. None of this ended well. She is also married with two children of her own. I have no idea how her car got damaged that night or who called her husband with the whereabouts of his wife. They both work for a company that is managed BY A CHURCH!

[mustard_seed]

Write the letter & read it aloud to yourself. Does it sound needy? If you wanted space from him would you rather him honor your request? Respect his wishes. If he returns, demand a 50/50 partnership from that point on. Hold up your 50% of the deal. It is possible to live in unity and have separate interest. Maybe you are holding on too tightly and he feels the noose around his neck. If the two of you have grown apart you may reconnect. If he is not interested, let him go!! Do it for your own well-being, not his.

[liz28]

You should write the letter and send it certified mail. Make sure you write exactly how you feel no matter how long it is. Also maybe you two should go to marriage cousueloring to help it stay stronger and that will help you not to put him down when he's down because that's what you said in your post was 1 problem. I don't know what religion you are but most churches try to help married couples stay to together and that's all your need but please write the letter and I wish you the best but know when your get back together its going make your marriage stronger and your both will work on whatever you have too.

[JBeaucaire]

You actually DO need to sound needy to your husband. But it needs to be the right kind of "needy".

A man is strengthened in marriage by the clear, unfettered knowledge that his woman loves him deeply and considers him and his goals/ambitions at the top of her priority. She needs him to know how much she is committed to him. He "needs" to know she admires him, in success and failure, for better or worse, no one is as big a fan as she is. No one is as ready to stand at his side and face the battles arm in arm. No one.

When you disagree, it never at the risk of you foundational commitment to one another. Never. The hotter the argument gets, the more likely you are to hear: "Dang, it's a good thing I respect you so much or I would never even consider something like this!"... and never "How could I have ever married such an idiot loser?"

Texting... don't bother. Call him.

Tell him you miss him and are looking forward to when he comes home. Mean it when you say it, make sure he hears in your voice the attraction you have for him. You do "need" him to come home soon, because you ultimately need his strength to help you. Yes, you are having issues, but you are looking so forward to getting to work solving and slaying these dragons together. "Come home soon. I love you. This is where you belong."

I am frequently amazed at how far married people stray in their commitment to each other during some essentially minor issue. In fact, even BIG issues shouldn't have the power to undo the VOW you two made to each other. The whole point of "for better or worse" is so that your mate understands that you will never treat them like a girlfriend or family member you can just walk away from, that you are THERE to do the work and fight together for the success of what you have proclaimed - your true and permanent commitment to one another. You PROMISED.

Being right in an argument is no consolation when you end up alone. Being married isn't about right and wrong, it's about loving interaction, first and foremost, loving interaction. Everything else needs to be servant to that.

Call him. Invite him home. Make him welcome. Apologize for your part in the escalation of the argument without needing him to do the same at all. Your sincerity alone will almost guarantee he does the same, but it's OK if he doesn't. You need to be sincere. Lead him back to the commitment. You two can solve anything as long you face it together.

[igman]

I have a strong sense that his depression is a BIG factor in this. It may be causing him to give up on anything and everything... including your marriage. It is difficult to not come across as forcing the issue but try suggesting going to counseling. I think that you have done a great job so far in recognizing the areas that needed attention and taking positive steps towards fixing them... keep on doing it. Good luck !

[TheGuardian]

I would like to know if her husband came back to her, since I have THE SAME problem, and I'm dying... :(

[chelle2009]

ME TOO!! I have posted 3 or 4 times now, guess I haven't liked the answers too much, I'm not ready to give up!

[JBeaucaire]

I have a different definition of "giving up" than most people do. I don't see moving on as "giving up". Life is today.

[maryu]

I say go to marriage counseling. My husband has a communication problem and low self asteem but we are in counseling. I don't know how good its doing but it's a start

[confused4now]

I am also going through hell ATM... I am married 22 years (29 years together) and my hubby left after we couldn't stop arguing... he ignored me for months and sex was non existent... he said he ddin't feel close to me to have sex... I am in my early 40's... I have 2 kids 17 and 13

At first I called him non stop and now I force myself to not... he hasn't called in days... I am lost without him... I KNOW there is not another woman but he has not always been honest in our marriage... the only family I have is my own so yeah no one to talk to except my girlfriend... he says he wants back if things can change... however he makes no effort to change and he needs to as well... one minute he is hot and then cold... I am at my wits end... I love him and he says he loves me... I don't know what to think...