[Confuse101]

I am currently 21 yrs old. I am about to make 9 yrs with my fiancé (since I was 13). We have had our on and offs, back in the day. He is currently 26. I find myself begging for sex and not receiving very often. He was a very romantic and in tuned with our relationship... up until 3yrs ago. Every thing kind of went down hill from there. We have no kids. We live on our own together. We have great jobs. But something is lacking. I'm not insisting it is all his fault but... He refuses to do anything I like (trips, movies, anything I like). Gives me pop kiss (actually I always have to ask for a kiss), sex is mostly me... and believe me I am a very spontaneous (different positions, role play, foreplay, oral, random.. etc.) I am a very emotional and affectionate girl. So the rolling of the eyes only makes me feel like SH*t! And stating he is tired.. is only killing me more inside. The many restless nights of me asking him what is wrong... and him telling me nothing. Sometimes he comes home angry and its to the point where he makes it feel like it is my fault. I truly do love him but I can I save my relationship?

Now I do understand some things I do can make any person unattracted to me.

I forget to shave and maintain my bikini area.
Sometimes the toilet doesn't flush completely.
I clean but not the way his mommy constantly cleans.
I have a root canal that hasn't been finished... (its a process)
My wisdom teeth are coming out so my mouth is constantly bleeding (not a lot, but enough to make your breath smell)
I gained 25 pounds But have been strugling to lose
And I'm sure many more flaws

I'm not naïve and I know I have imperfections.

[kp2171]

The frustration and the anger are killer on libido. Several years ago I went through a dark few months of depression, tied to a job change and financial stress while I worked things out. It hurt in the head, and it carried over to the bedroom.

Likewise, when my partner is going through hell at work, like she currently is, her libido drops and I have to work like hell to not take it personally. Its not easy, but tiredness and frustration do play a role in decreased sexual intimacy.

So while my initial response is to call him an insensitive jerk who has become lazy and an inconsiderate lover... your description of his behavior makes me wonder if there's more going on. When people are stressed, tired, and distracted, the lack of action in the bedroom is often just the symptom of some other issue.

Until you can figure out what's going on in his head, you might not be able to solve the bedroom issues.

I am worried about the relationship on a fundamental level in part because of my own experience. I was with a woman for 7 years (HS, college) and I know how a great, young relationship can fizzle, especially concerning intimacy. Had a good relationship and a great connection for a time... but unfortunately, I think some young loves are meant for just that time, and not to last. I'm not saying that's your situation, but it is a concern, and many people lose that first big love. So I don't know if the wear and tear on the relationship is part of it.

Issues with dental hygiene can put a damper on kissing, even if the other person is attracted... having had a tooth get infected, I know the pain, I know how its nasty, and I know how much better it was when it was fixed.

That said, your laundry list is you trying to own the problem, and that's normal. But now its time for a serious talk.

You've been together long enough, you should be able to communicate openly. Relationships that don't have this often fail the test of time.

So its time to try to find out why he's stressed. Why he is angry. Try not to accuse... this isn't about blame, its about reality. If he doesn't offer reasons, then maybe you need to open another door. Ask him if ever thinks about being single. etc.

In my experience, the truth is what you need. This might be as simple as work stress and being tired. It might be as big as the relationship isn't going the way he wants.

Other things that can hurt libido: poor sleep, lack of exercise, poor diet, medications, drugs, alcohol, desensitization due to porn and/or masturbation, seasonal changes, loss of "newness" in a relationship, and on and on...

[Choux]

I am not sure what culture you are from... I can form an answer to those born in American and British cultures, but if you are not from these cultures, I could give really bad comments.

Just generally speaking, never let another person have so much emotional control over you to the point that you lack feelings of how worthwhile, valuable and loving you are! This is difficult for most women to learn, but it is the most important thing. :)

Saying good-bye can be very wrenching... but leads to growth... the smarter we get, the better choices we can make in the future. You are still very young.