[needurhelp]

About 10 years ago I was with this guy. We had a serious relationship and I cheated. I ended up getting pregnant and lying to him telling him that the baby could not possibly be his, then I left never to look back.
Just recently this person contacted me. 10 years later and we are both married. His relationship better than mine and still questions that were never answered.
He now would like paternity on my now 10 year old daughter. I agreed and now we are waiting on the results. Apparently he has thought about this for the last 10 years and claimed that he had no way of tracking me down.
This isn't my main problem though, just the history leading up.
Now I am finding myself wanting to be with him. I feel as though we never had the 10 years between us and like we could just move on. Regardless as to what the paternity is our feelings for one another are still so very strong.
I have thoughts of leaving my husband that I share 2 children with to be with this man, but at the same time have guilt for feeling this way.
My husband and I don't have a great relationship and argue quite a bit, but I do love him, and with my past lover all I have to go on is what we had 10 years ago. We have been speaking on the phone and the internet while our spouses are away but neither one of us knows what to do with our feelings. We live far enough apart that we cannot reconnect so easily, but I think when the time is right we will be given that option. I am afraid of cheating on my husband but also excited to see him.
I need some advice as to what I should do.. I am at a complete loss and friends and family all have their own opinions and favorites..
If you have any advice for this desperately confused woman I would appreciate it

Thank you

Your past eventually will find you...

[JoeCanada76]

The past is the past.

The best advice is that you are married. You need to be by your man. You need to work through things with your husband and stay true to your husband.

You may have a daughter with this guy in the past, but it is the past, no matter what happens with the paternity. You need to realize that the past is the past for a reason and it has not really caught up with you.

10 years is a long time and all of a sudden you want to be with him, I am sorry but that does not make any sense what so ever. You are just jealous because you think he has a better relationship with his wife then you with your husband. It is not a competition. He is married and you are married. Many people tend to want what they can not have, even if you decided to jump camps remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

So do yourself a favour, feel guilty about your thoughts. The reason is it is better to feel that way and stay close to your husband and actually work through whatever problems you have with him. He is your husband.

Good luck with everything.

Joe

[needurhelp]

Thanks joe
But without going into detail these feelings that me and my ex- lover are experiencing are mutual, regardless of the state of his relationship.
It is not as though I am plotting a breakup of his marriage. This is mutual and some feelings just cannot be ignored.
I understand that things happen for a reason such as the past, but as I said we did not have a goodbye, I left and did not look back. I am a strong believer in Destiny and as I said things happen for a reason. 10 years later he finds me and 10 years later we finally have a second chace weither it be to finally say goodbye or start something new I don't know, but whatever the reason good or bad I am prepared to face it.
As for my husband.
He has made some bad choices as well no one is perfect and no one can truly ever understand this situation without knowing all the facts and unfortunately I am not about to get into all the details..
But if I chose to leave my husband, even if it is to venture on my own, that is a choice that I will have to make and you cannot judge me for that.
Thank you for your opinion

[JoeCanada76]

Who said anything about judging. You asked for opinions and thoughts. First of all, marriage is a life long commitement. That is a fact. Re read your marriage vows. If it is mutual then both of you and him, if you two have already been together and it is mutual then you are both cheaters. You come here for advice, but yet do not want to get into details then that shows me you have a lot to hide. I never said anything about plotting a breakup but guess what that is exactly what is going to happen.

So as a poster it is unfair for you to ask for opinions and then when given you think that your being judged, at the same time you say we can not completely understand the situation because we do not know the details of the situation then if you really truly feel that way, why did you even bother posting if you were not and is not ready to share the details in the situation if you truly want our honest opinion.

That is right, no one is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. You have my opinion and I just want to explain to you that there is not judgement here but advice that you wanted. Whether it is something you wanted to hear or not, is not my concern. Your also right that at the end of the day. After everybody here gives there advice it is up to you to make decisions that are best for your children and then you. Remember children need to be your number one concern. What is the best for them. You come in second now. Just remember that.

Again good luck to you and hopefully everything works out no matter what you decide to do.

Joe

[royho]

It's been awhile since you posted your question, and perhaps you've reached resolution by now. If you haven't, I'd like to add my thoughts. If you have, you can stop reading now.

I'm going through something similar but from a much longer timeframe, and only from my own perspective. I haven't been in touch with someone I cared very deeply about more than 20 years ago who simply let go of me without a real goodbye or reason. I've been struggling with her memory and I find I have been having very similar thoughts to yours, and wondering what to do to reach some resolution one way or the other.

I don't know if my thoughts will be helpful to you, but I understand at least the pain, doubt, and guilt you are going through. I hope you make it through this OK, whatever the outcome. I'm not going to preach to you to "stay the course" with your husband no matter what, which is pretty much the answer I received when I posted here. Anyway, what I believe has been the root cause of my problem is the fact that this wound of mine has never really been closed properly. I've rehashed everything I did to try to understand what I did wrong, and have a million answers, but I'll never know what I'm right about and what I'm wrong about. I think that is the biggest factor for me having to deal with this breakup all over again after so much time, with more pain now than when it actually happened. This particular relationship was the proverbial storybook, which I know sounds corny and looks at things through rose colored glasses, but in my mind it's real. So I have this perfect thing that I basically screwed up, and don't know why, and I can't deal with being such an imbecile back then and not being able to do a thing about it now to go back and "fix" it, even though I wouldn't trade my current life for anything.

So, you are left wondering all the "what ifs" that 10 years with a less than perfect companion bring to mind. You think you could have a better outcome by a "do-over" from your companion ten years ago. Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. But those ten years are gone either way, and really the only thing you need to look at is where do you go from here. If you think your husband isn't your soul mate, then regardless of your feelings from someone ten years ago you need to do something about that. This guy from ten years ago isn't destiny, he's a pasture that looks greener because of what he represents from ten years ago when you were younger with less mileage and fewer worries and more hopes that weren't abandoned or crushed.

Step back and decouple the two situations. One, do you or do you not stay with your husband regardless of what your feelings were 10 years ago. If you decide he's worth it, you've already answered part two. If he's not the one, you need to explore the whole universe of options for you, which may or may not include your guy from ten years ago. Your feelings for Mr. ten years ago shouldn't have any bearing on your feelings for your husband.

[George_1950]

It is disturbing that you still experience "...pain, doubt, and guilt..." from a relationship that ended 20 years ago. Isn't it reasonable to expect "to live and let live"? Shouldn't you move on and allow time and circumstances to end old memories?

[talaniman]

If you put all that energy you give your ex, into your husband, the results would surprise you. Your long lost ex is moving your focus, from where it should be with the promise of what if. If your marriage was healthy, and strong, I doubt you would be looking for something else to make you feel good. Focus on the present, and leave the past in the past, as your doing yourself, and your husband no good, and no good can come of it.