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Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 09:59 AM

I am curious to know, If an extremely sexual man falls in love with a virgin and she chooses to wait, therefor he goes a few months without sex, and his girlfriend goes away for a few weeks to stay with some relatives, if he was to be in a situation with another woman where he can easily get into her pants and had just spoken with his girlfriend that morning and expressed his love for her in words, if this man is truly in love with his girlfriend would it be impossible to push her from his mind, and therefor would he not be able to go through with the sex out of guilt even though he has been extremely sexually active since he was very young, or would his sexual instincts take over and he just wouldn't be able to help himself after going months without sex?
Also, if he comes home and his girlfriend has gotten back that very night, and he confesses to her what he did, expressing his guilt and shame, but refuses to promise not to do it again. What does that say about him?
And if the girlfriend automatically forgives him, showing no signs of anger or jealousy even though the feelings were there and the reason for her automatic forgiveness was because she doesn't understand sex and she feels she can't judge the situation, secondly because this man is the fist man she has loved and does not want to lose him, and thirdly because she lied to him about a few things which she feels guilt over and thinks that maybe their two different betrayals can cancel each other out, what would you have to say about this girlfriend?
The girlfriend, though she is a naïve virgin, believes that sex is an act of intimacy and when you're in love with someone, then you should not be intimate with another and just because a partner chooses to wait then that should not make it okay to cheat.
But the boyfriend does not see sex as such an intimate act, he sees it as merely a very fun activity.
What do you think?

workedtoohard · Apr 5, 2008, 10:11 AM

Sounds like he is training you to be a doormatt. He confessed it in the hopes that you either give in to sex to prevent him doing it again or give him a license to cheat out of guilt for not having sex. Either way he doesn't love you. Would you want to be with someone else? No? Then why should he.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 10:35 AM

Training me to be a doormat is something I've suspected he was doing, not because of this but because he has a habit of being amazingly kind and then terribly mean and then going back to being nice. It's slowly getting worse and more frequent, He's even started calling me names like stupid, and even though he has always told me how beautiful he thought I was, he recently got mad at me and called me ugly. The name calling is very new and it shocks me that he's so different than he was at first.
Its hard for me to believe that he doesn't love me because he has done so much for me. He's written poetry and made pictures for me, though he hasn't in a while, but I can't forget those things, he bought me gifts when he was struggling with money and even though he's so different from what I fell in love with, I just can't help but keep hoping he goes back to the way he was. He's still nice most of the time, but maybe that's because I've been walking on eggshells, it's just gotten too easy to set off his temper and I can't stand the things he says to me when he's mad. I'd never say anything like that to him because I'd never want to hurt him.

N0help4u · Apr 5, 2008, 10:46 AM

He would cheat and then act and treat his girlfriend as though nothing wrong happened.
In his eyes very likely he would see it as nothing wrong happened because not having the same values he would justify things to himself.
He is manipulating you to make you feel like since you can not understand you can not relate therefore you can not judge him. Get away cause the manipulating only gets worse especially when he sees you 'fall' for it.

find somebody that wants intimacy WITH YOU and not merely using you to fulfill a functional act.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 11:14 AM

He does want intimacy with me, I'm the one who's keeping it put off. It may be stupid, but I want my first time to be with my first love and that's what I've thought he was, but now I'm afraid that this is just another little infatuation or puppy love.
I also forgot to mention that he was diagnosed as being bi polar and he has stopped taking his medications. This can explain why he's nice and then terrible and I also looked it up and seen that Bi polar people can have unusually high sex drives. I don't know if this is justified or if I'm just making excuses for him because I've put so much effort into keeping us together that I don't want to lose him and I don't feel like I can just end things after all that has happened between us.

N0help4u · Apr 5, 2008, 11:17 AM

All I see is red flags. I know many bi polar guys and it gets uglier than you can ever imagine.
You need to find somebody that values their first time the same way you do --- they are out there. There are a few young guys on this site in fact.
His whole thinking is far from yours, you will never be happy with him. Trust me I know first hand.

MOWERMAN2468 · Apr 5, 2008, 11:18 AM

Well, I think it shows he thinks with his (smaller head) pardon the phrase, and not his heart. If he truly loved the virgin girlfriend, he would be able to overcome all temptations.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 11:28 AM

N0help4u,
Could you please explain in more detail what you mean by uglier than I could ever imagine? People can keep telling me to leave him and that he doesn't love me, but I can't believe it. You have to understand that we've poured our hearts out to each other, I know so much about him and he knows so much about me and we've shared so many wonderful conversations. I don't feel like I can leave him. Can you please tell me what your experiences with Bi Polar people were? He's the first one that I have known.

N0help4u · Apr 5, 2008, 11:37 AM

You believe in your heart that you can love and forgive him no matter what but he just gets more manipulating, more games, more severe mood swings, etc... etc... and no matter how much you love him and try and make it work you get in way over your head to where you are so miserable you can't stand it any more. The word LOVE becomes a faded unfamiliar memory that you realize was wrong in the first place. You feel in too deep to turn back but have nowhere to turn run or hide.

talaniman · Apr 5, 2008, 11:39 AM

But the boyfriend does not see sex as such an intimate act, he sees it as merely a very fun activity.
What do you think?

I'm with you, as he puts his best foot forward, to get in your pants, and gets his rocks off elsewhere, and throws it in your face. That's selfish, and an attempt to control, and manipulate, to get what he wants, and how he wants it. This is not love, nor is it a healthy relationship, if that's what you call it. His idea of trust, and being faithful and LOVE, is not consistent with yours. Re evaluate your feelings for him. Sorry to be harsh, but the truth is what it is.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 11:47 AM

I'm sorry, maybe I haven't put enough detail in my posts. He didn't just throw it in my face. He confessed after I was having a conversation with him about cheating and he really did seem like he felt terrible and ashamed of it.

talaniman · Apr 5, 2008, 12:56 PM

he confesses to her what he did, expressing his guilt and shame, but refuses to promise not to do it again. What does that say about him?

That my dear is my problem with him. After being ashamed of his actions, why would he not promise to NOT repeat this action? That's not guilt. Nor shame, or remorse, that's what you need to see, his actions are not matching his words, and his words, are very unhealthy, as is his actions. He is clearly sending you a message, about having sex with him, or he can go elsewhere, and will. These are not the actions of a caring, loving man, no matter how your looking at it. Sorry for being VERY blunt, but its quite obvious.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 01:24 PM

He says he can't control himself :(
Now I'm so confused, I knew what your opinions of him would be and I thought I'd agree, But I feel the need to come to his defense and make excuses for him when you're telling me exactly what I already thought when I posted this. But I just care about him so much. I always said I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me, but now that it's happened, I still don't want to leave.

KD33 · Apr 5, 2008, 01:25 PM

Agreed, all of those posts make sense because he is clearly using you as a doormatt and well that's unfair. He says he loves you, and then he gets sex from somewhere else because he can't have it with you... if he really loved you he would wait for you and when your ready to share the intamacy together. You sa he claims it to be a fun game? Well maybe he should take what you feel more seriously.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 01:34 PM

I feel like he has considered what I feel, He's went months without sex. He constantly cheated on his last girlfriend because she rarely did anything sexual for him, and I haven't done anything sexual for him at all and he put it off for such a long time that it makes me feel more special than his ex's were to him. It was the longest he's went without sex since he was a kid. But maybe I'm just coming to his defense again :(

talaniman · Apr 5, 2008, 02:08 PM

It was the longest he's went without sex since he was a kid. But maybe I'm just coming to his defense again :(

Yes you are, defending the bad behavior, of an immature man/boy, who can't control himself(?), but I understand, as its hard to face reality, when our emotions, and feelings, are so strong. You'll make the right guy a good mate, and partner, someday. I just doubt if this guy is the one who deserves such a reward.

Midoovi · Apr 5, 2008, 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I just doubt if this guy is the one who deserves such a reward.

Even he says he doesn't deserve it.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 5, 2008, 05:45 PM

First from the sound of it, he is trying to blame the lady because she does not what to have sex.

And sorry he is not over sexed, he is just out of control, And he has no respect and not really any love. He is making excuses and will continue to do so. And it souns like he is starting what I call a level of abuse, making the person who is being hurt accept things because they believe somehow it is partly their fault.

This person is only sorry because they figured they were caught, not really sorry for what they did

talaniman · Apr 5, 2008, 10:49 PM

Originally Posted by Midoovi

Even he says he doesn't deserve it.

He is so right, but neither do you.

starbuck8 · Apr 6, 2008, 12:05 AM

First of all can I commend you for wanting to stay a virgin until you find the right person. I know you think that it's him, but it's not. There are so many red flags going up that you're blinded by them!

You said he thinks sex isn't an "intimate" thing, merely a "fun activity" If that is the way he views it, you are bound to be hurt by him over and over again, until you've got so much baggage that your next relationship will be a lot harder to form. Trust me, I've been there, done that.

You said he is bi-polar and isn't taking his meds. For one thing that doesn't sound like a responsible, caring person to me. He isn't even taking care of himself, let alone you! You said that you read up about bi-polar disorder, and read that people that are bi-polar have a high sex drive. That is a blanket statement, and I think you are using that as an excuse to minimize his need for sex. He also has a brain in his head, and he can choose to use it... instead of the other one. There are other ways he can relieve his sexual tension without cheating!

DO NOT underestimate his Bi-polar disorder. It's not something to fool around with! His brain isn't wired right, and you can never be sure what will set him off. He's already starting with name calling, and it only gets worse without meds. Again, trust me, I know this very very well. It can get DANGEROUS girl!! I'm not saying it will in every situation, but if he's been diagnosed then he HAS to stick to his meds.

You said that maybe you didn't give enough details? Believe me, you gave ALL the details you needed to. Stop letting him make excuses, and stop making them for him. I realize you think that he is and will be your only love... and you, his. The odds are stacked so high against you that they are about to come falling down at your feet.

Find someone that is worthy of you, and doesn't make excuses about why he might need to, or will cheat, if you aren't giving him some.

Good Luck to you!