[smoothy]

Like samesame said. Take her off your IM and block her from IM'ing you. As long as you let her contact you, and you even consider contacting her for any reason at all you are the one responsible for your misery. Take charge of your life and keep her out of it. Completely.

[Sandstorm99]

Well samesame. A lot has changed in about 2 months. What is with your negative attitude? I hope everything is OK on your end. Your tone has never been so mean and bitter. I guess I will be feeling that way soon because I'm a month or so behind you. I swear it was just about a month ago when you started a thread called "when has enough time passed before contacting the ex". Samesame and smoothy. I have no reason to delete her from my IM or whatever. I'm not intimidated by her and she has been respectful about not trying to string me along. The recent contact is rather meaningless.
I never really read into her recent contact attempts. I'm sure she is thinking of me but all I got was table scraps and that is all I will see it as. Her attempts to contact me didn't set me back or bring back old feelings. I still feel the same either way, crappy. Yes it would be a big set back if I saw her in person or heard her voice.

I know down the road it would bother me if I didn't see how she was after the accident. But samesame, what would you do if your exes cousin told you that your ex was in an accident?

One last thing I thought about was how akward it must be for my ex or samesames' to try and get back together with us. I don't think they will come out and ask to have dinner or something. I don't think that day would come but I know it must be hard for the dumper to try and work things out. I guess I watch too many movies. They never show up at your door asking to get back together.

I've been trying to date and it really sucks right now. I guess it is not the right time. I was sexual with one girl and I felt like complete crap the day after. It was an absolute horrible feeling, I can't explain it. I've never been this way after any break up before. It is going to be a long time before I'm back to my happy self. I still think about her and still miss her but again, I won't be contacting her.

[samesame]

I haven't posted here in a while. Truth is, December was a hard month with the holidays. Felt sad and I guess bitter and hurt, maybe that was the reason for the negative attitude Sandstorm. Anyway, has anything changed with your situation? Hope everythings all right. Best!

[Sandstorm99]

Thanks for checking back. I'll try to keep this short.

So about 6 weeks went by that I had not spoken to my ex. All of that changed around The beginning of December. Her mother called me to see how I was doing. She asked how I was and if I was dating anyone etc. I avoided the dating question but did not give her a yes or no answer. So we talked for a bit. Then her mom mentioned something about coming up there for christmas(45 min away). I told her I'd get back to her. Tough decision. At this point I had not talked to my ex at all and knew this could open up a serious can of hurt worms.

(6 weeks of no contact) Next day I'm online and out of the blue I get an instant message from an unfamiliar screename that I didn't know. It was obvious who it was. My ex had used her last name as part of her name. I guess this was her work screen name. So yes, we exchanged quite a few instant messages. She said her mom said that I said hello. Funny, I never told her mom to tell her I said hello. Just a nice convenient excuse of her to break the silence. This was about 2 weeks before christmas. So we talked via instant message for a little while. Then the next few days, she contacts me and we talk sporadically throughout our work days on instant messenger.

Then out of nowhere she calls me drunk from her work christmas party one night. Asked if I could come pick her up, it sounded urgent like she was in a situation with people trying to take advantage of her. Yes, stupid me could not resist, I had missed this girl so much and was falling into this pathetic trap. So I went to the bowling alley and picked her up. I knew the people she was with very well and 95% of them were girls. She claimed she didn't trust these people but I know that she has known them for a long time. Total line of B.S. So I brought her to my place where she got sick and threw up. Again, here I was taking care of her like her father or something. She passed out and I basically watched her throughout the night to make sure she didn' choke on her vomit. What a wuss bag I am!

Brought her to her car the next day and the cycle repeated itself. More instant message conversations in the following days, every single day initiated by her to be exact. We joked about the night she was drunk etc etc. This went on up until just before christmas. I was starting to have those feelings like we were on our way back together. She called me the day before christmas to make sure I was coming to her moms and also asked if I could come to the other side of her family's christmas gathering. What an idiot I am. I agreed to go to both christmas events.

So christmas rolls around and I went to her moms to open up gifts in the morning. I got my ex a small gift, nothing special. She got me some things too. This was so bizarre. My ex even brought me pierogies from the night before that she wanted me to try. I got her mom something and they got me something too. So we sat around and opened gifts. I stayed for about 2 hours. Then my ex had to go to her dads and I went to my family gathering. At the end of the night I went out to her aunts where all her relatives were. Everyone kept making comments about me and my ex being back together. I even brought some food for them to eat. Ah hell, what was I getting myself into, I tried so hard to not get my hopes up but it really felt like we were coming back together. We had fun, sang christmas carols(kinda strange, never did that before) and talked with everyone. As the night ended I gave my ex a hug goodbye and was on my way home. Again my ex gave me some left overs to take home with me.

So the following days we are chatting again on AOL instant messenger. At this point I was becoming very suspicious of what was really the point of all this. She also started to text message me via phone in these following days so we now had a night and day exhange of conversation. I never once came out and told her how I felt or asked what her motives were. I'm sure she knew how I felt. Then some more days pass but somehow we aren't talking like we usually do. I think at this piont I was beginning to initiate conversation. It must have been the small chase that she liked.

So the days before new years, things were kind of silent. At this point I start to think that this is all going nowhere. And I was correct. A few nights after new years I run into her at some local bars. Up until this day, ever since the break-up I had made attempts to avoid any pulic place that she might have been. When I saw her she acted kind of strange like she didn't really care to talk much. I think we exchanged like 2-3 sentences and then she claimed her friends were waiting and that she had to go. She said she was going to some bar and that me and my friends should join them. So we go over there and I come to find my ex is extremely difficult to talk to. Every time I try to come up and talk to her, her and her girls go out on the dance floor. Then some new guy I have never seen meets up with them. At this point I had pretty much had it with this rudness. Is this how she treats the guy that was always there for her? For the past 4 years? So I approached her and asked her what the point of all the christmas stuff. She plays stupid and says "what do you mean?" I ask again, why did you invite me to all the christmas stuff? She replies "my mom wanted you to come" I said "ok, i'll see you later"

I felt hurt and betrayed at this point. Also upset with myself for falling into that christmas trap. I gathered up my friends and got the heck out of the bar. Like a sorry sap, I had allowed myself to be hurt again. Yes it was nice that I didn't spend christmas without her but now it felt like she didn't really care if I was there and that it was her mother that wanted me to be there. Or it was her mother that felt bad for me when my ex probably didn't care. So I had quite a few drinks in me. I opened up my cell and let the mean text messages flow. I told her she is selfish, spoiled, careless etc etc. I was very hurt and just let my anger flow through the stupid text buttons. I made quite a few comments how short her conversations were with me that night and it is crappy how she treats someone that would do more for her than anyone she knows. It was all true and I wasn't backing down or holding back. We exchanged mean texts throughout the rest of the night and I went to bed.

I called her the next day because now I felt like I needed to patch things up before I make my final disappearance. So in the days that followed we went back to our little instant message conversations on the computer, mainly initiated by me. Then I finally made up my mind. I will not be a sucker again. I fell hard for this trap and got hurt again. Supposedly her mom was the one that wanted me to go.

So a week later she sends me an instant message via AOL. I completely ignored it. Now I know that she had no intentions of getting back together. It hurt like hell again, I got nowhere with all the christmas stuff. I can't be friends with someone I care too much about. I've stuck with my decision. I never did instant message her back. It has now been 1 1/2 months since that instant message I ignored. I have made no attempt to contact her, and she has made no more attempts to me. I can't get it out of my head "I will not be a sucker again!"

I felt so betrayed and like such a sucker. I don't ever want to feel like that again. So I will not talk to her or her mother again. I felt as if she was using her mother to get close to me. And I don't think her mom will be calling me anytime soon because I called my ex out on that when I sent all the mean text messages that one night. I told her that she uses her mom to find out what I'm up to or get close to me. No contact from here on out.

Samesame. I have no idea how you can get back with an ex. It does more hurt than good.

To this day, I have dated all sorts of girls. So far all I have met is a bunch of losers and wackos. Oh well, I'll keep trying, I have no choice.

Hope all is well!

[samesame]

Hey Sandstorm,

Geezzzz, that's tough. The problem with those situations is, you wanted her back right, and you probably still do. See the thing is, no matter what she does right now, you're going to over analyze it all. You're judgements messed up and you put yourself in the position where you're at the mercy of her every whim.

I know how you're hurting sandstorm. As hard as it's been, I've been lucky enough to hold out. I put a post up the other day, I don't know if you read it, but pretty much after 7 months or so of no contact, just before xmas, my ex called me. Wanted to see how I was doing, etc. I spoke with her for about 20 minutes. And that's it's it. We said bye and haven't heard back since. The best part is that by staying strong I gained myself respect back, and that's a big thing. And I think you should do the same. Cut out any connection with this girl... cut messenger, Facebook, delete her phone numbers, and stop talking to people related to her, etc. Just walk away. If she really wants to talk to you or wants you back, she knows where to find you, and she will do just that.

It's been almost a year for both of us and look at this s#@t. What a waste of 10 months, just sitting around and hurting, damn I wish it was easier.

And oh yeah, a lot of girls out there are losers and wackos. I've met plenty in the last year as well, with zero potential, but what can you do. You have to remember that it's probably even harder for girls, because there are just as many loser guys out their and their on a shorter time frame (if they want to have kids). You think our ex's are going to go meet prince charming tomorrow. I mean I don't know much about you, but you seem like a stand up guy, and I know I was a really good guy to my ex, so I mean, the bar is high for these girls. If there's one thing you can get out of this, at least it's the satisfaction of knowing that it's your ex's loss because she let go, not yours because you tried, and probably one day she'll realize that. In the meantime there's nothing you can do but take care of you.

[smoothy]

There are plenty of whack jobs out there, and plenty of losers. But they exists so you know when you find a good one. You need to have gone through your share of them before you are capable of recognizing true love and know the difference between it and infatuation. Two very different things. Just keep looking and avoid any that appear whacked out. They are single for a reason... if they weren't such losers or so strange they would have someone. Don't ever waste time on these people. You always live to regret it.

Always look forward... never backward. And avoid the ex.

[Sandstorm99]

Ok so I don't really have anyone to talk about the issues in my life so I bring another tale to you all. I've been dating all sorts of girls. The ones that I go on dates with have not been what I'm looking for. They are basically full of problems. Then there is the ones I meet in clubs that are very attractive, kind and funny. They seem so into me yet when I try to call them in a few days they don't answer or call back. And sometimes I give it a second try and leave them a message another few days later, with no results. I just don't get it, this hasn't been very easy.

So of course it brings me back to thinking about the ex. I have not removed her from my instant message list and I check her away messages that she leaves up periodically. It has been 2 months now since I finally grew some balls and ignored her last instant message. Also, about two months ago I was at some bars that I frequent with my friends cause yes, I'm stuck in this dreaded single life right now. These are places that are local to me yet my ex has been appearing where I hang out. Then one night I met a girl and was kissing her. I looked over and noticed my ex was watching. I am not the type to try and rub something in her face but this just happened and it almost seemed like I did. Even though she is the one that left me and broke my heart. So for the past two months we have not spoken. I have been trying to go about my life, yet it has been difficult. I still think about her all the time. I have distanced myself from her cousin and I stay off the internet at night. Sometimes I block my name and log on to check my email. This is when I usually peep at her away message. Up until now, they have been nothing special. But what I saw tonight really hurt. It was clearly directed towards me because my ex has not dated anyone since she broke up with me.

I just cannot understand why someone that broke up with you would try to put up some away message designed to hurt them. And yes it did hurt. I have done nothing to her. She broke up with me and told me specifically not to wait around.

The tone in her away messages lately almost sound as if I was the one that broke up with her. I'm reading way into it all but tonights message really crossed the line. Why is she trying to hurt me? I know I should not even bother reading these messages but I still look at what her message to see what they say. I really want to email her and tell her what I think but I'm sure this is designed to get a reaction. The way I've been acting probably makes her think that I have completely moved on(2 months of no contact). She probably just wants what she can't have. Below is what she put as her away message. I have gone so far out of my way since we broke up to apologize for everything. Went to parties and christmas etc and treated her with the greatest amount of respect. What ever happened to forgiving someone? I have forgiven her for everything she did to me. And this is what I get in return.


"As time passes, you tend to forget the bad and remember the good; But with you, all that surfaces are thoughts of how you were such a d$ck , the hurtful things you said, and how you took me for granted, which made it so much easier to let you go completely."

[samesame]

I don't think there's any doubt that that message was directed towards you, but you shouldn't be too hurt by it, because I'm pretty sure it was done out of spite. But really, what are you doing looking at her messages anyway? Either delete her or stop loggin on. (at least for a few months). Clearly you're both still emotionally involved in this thing, and after 4 years, it's going to take a lot more time than 2 months of no contact to get over it completely. You just have to keep looking ahead, one day at a time, and whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT HER. Get back yourself respect. You're better than that. She took advantage of you last year when she dragged you on with that Christmas party, etc. She feels completely in control (ie. Look at the arrogance in her message) because you react to everything she does. She's manipulating you and you need to bring it to an end, and the only way to do it is to cut her off completely.

Also, be weary of jumping into another relationship if you think it's going to help you move on because you're not over the ex yet, and until you are every girl you meet is just going to end in vain and make you feel worse.

You need to vent, you have a question, you feel the need to contact her, get right back on this site and type away. It's helped me from making that mistake plenty of times. And eventually that urge will pass. Hang in there bud.

[Sandstorm99]

Yes something is really bothering her. She is definitely acting like I'm the one that broke up with her. It is almost like Mckenzie always preached a long time ago. He used to say, immediate zero no contact to make the ex feel like they were the one that was broken up with. That must be something that she is feeling now. I want to speak my mind to her so bad but just can't do it and probably shouldn't.

What happened to forgiving someone? I have forgiven her for everything she did and I tend to only remember the good times lately. I guess if she really felt this way then she would not even bother to post it as an away message, I think she would simply keep it to herself and move on. I'm just not sure what this message was designed for. Does she really feel this way, and has she completely let go? I guess I should not be concerned about the answer to that.

Thanks samesame. I'm trying to move on. I know I should delete her from my list. And part of me feels we may be back together someday but I need to quit thinking like that.

[smoothy]

Like I said... delete her and ignore her... you aren't doing anyone any favors clinging to false hope like you are.

Do you want to spend your life like this? I'll assume that answer is no. So what you need to do is put her and those like her behind you once and for all.

Now its not going to be easy, but as long as you cling on to her you can't move on. And keeping her on PM, on your cell phone, etc you aren't moving on.

You are wasting good time this way. And that's exactly what it is, wasting time.

Sure a lot of people are like you describe. Everyone deals with it. Everyone isn't what you want, everyone can't be.

[Sandstorm99]

Thanks smoothy. It all makes sense 100%.

The problem with all this is that I have dated hundreds of girls and had many girlfriends in my life time. The past ex is the only one that actually means anything to me, and still has a place in my heart. Most of the exes just became faded memories but these feelings will not die out. This has proven to be so tough to put behind me. In the meantime, the clock to our deaths keeps ticking. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life but I don't want to settle for something with problems. My past ex was the only one that I would ever consider spending the rest of my life with. But this is her decision, I did not choose this by any means. You are all very correct, I have no choice but to look forward. Arrrgghh, this is tough. I hate dating.

[samesame]

Everyone goes through this (thinking your ex was the greatest thing)... whether it's true or just a reaction to rejection doesn't make a difference. You really have to step back and stop thinking of her as this amazing woman. She left you, so f#@k her!

You did all you could. Geeezzz, you would have probably jumped through hoops if it meant she would give you another chance. She knew that, and what did she do? Nothing! Made you feel like more of a chump! She dumped you for her own selfish reasons. Take her off that pedestal! She wasn't that great of a woman when she treated you the way she did and says those things directed to you on messenger.

I'm not saying to hate her or have any feelings of animosity. All I'm saying is you have to realize her faults - sort of a reality check. That way you won't feel so bad by tricking yourseelf in romanticizing about her as this larger than life person. She's just another f-ed up person out there looking for something that doesn't exist, while taking for granted what they have.

I guarantee you this is not the last you;ve heard of her, as long as you stay strong and do not contact her in any way. It's time for you to get back yourself respect! And get back your balls!

[Sandstorm99]

Thanks for the great pep talk samesame and everyone. I live by your last sentence now "It's time for you to get back your self respect! and get back your balls!"

She has tried to text message me 2 times in the past month. I forget what the first attempt was and the second attempt was her asking about the punishment for a 3rd driving under the ifluence of alcohol. I'm sure it has nothing to do with her and she could have just looked it up on the internet. That text message was followed by a nasty "thanks!" after I didn't respond to her question.

I didn't reply to any of the last 3 attempts to bother me in the past 3 months. I think it has been 3 months of absolute zero contact now. Feels much better than all the guessing and waiting from before. Feels better than replying and getting nothing in return besides more heartache. It is much better this way. Even if she did want to get back together someday, I cannot imagine how to repair all the damage she created. That just seems like way too much unnecessary work.

The break up was defintely not my choice. I did not choose this new life style I've been thrown into. But I will find a way to enjoy it the best that I can.

[canefan1012]

I had a similar situation. For about the last month she just began acting differently and didn't call so often and was really stressed out with school. It got down to the point where I was telling her that I didn't feel like we were in a relationship and she said that she loved me but was not in love with me and that she had changed. She broke up with me and I have been devastated since but trying to get over her and move on. I don't talk to her and she has gone on and moved and has a boyfriend. We all get to the point where we have to accept what the situation and only take care of ourselves for the time being.

[samesame]

Sorry to hear that canefan... It wasn't really until I came on this site that I realized what a cliché our situations all are. Mine ended the same as yours. Only I don't know much about her love life anymore.

Sandstorm, it's good to hear you had the self control to resist contacting her. That's progress bud. I know it's easy to feel bad in those situations, or sad, or even get a feeling of (false) hope again, but you are right that the break up was her choice. So you can't let her get the best of both worlds by waiting on the side lines. You're doing well from what it seems, and that's good to see. As for the what if's... just try not to over think things. Overthinking only leads to negative thoughts and psyching yourself out. Hang in there and stay strong, because who knows what's around the corner.

Just to give you a quick update on my situation. I haven't initiated contact with my ex in 9 months. She did however call me on xmas, and we had a brief superficial conversation for about 10 minutes. Then she emailed me twice since then, to tell me about stuff going on in her life. I responded both times politely with a brief "hey thats great. good luck", and that's about it. We've been broken up for a year now (as have you), and somehow these things keep dragging on. I hate it. Anyway, if she tries to contact me again I think I'm going to tell her to stop or follow your lead and just not respond.

[canefan1012]

i agree with that "samesame", i thought i was all alone with this type of situation but once i was here i realized how common it is. I haven't spoken to my ex since the first week of march, so almost a full month after she broke up with me. she has called and texted me but i don't respond to any of it. it's hard because sometimes i want to pick up my phone and call her but i just put the phone down and end it there.

[ilahveyougigi]

I didn't even read the whole thing.
It was too long.

[121006]

LOL. The last couple posts makes me realize how we all think our world and problems are so special. "We are not a beautiful and unique snowflake."

Another thing is that you would think that in a breakup the girl would be the one at home depressed, but it's often times the guy. It's been about 8 days for me and I've been trying to keep myself busy, but man, at night it gets really difficult.

[jpm247]

Thanks for the great pep talk samesame and everyone. I live by your last sentence now "It's time for you to get back your self respect! and get back your balls!"

That is a brilliant line, I'm definitely going to focus on that.

If I had a pound for every time someone on here has mentioned the classic ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' line from our exes as justification in their minds to end it, I'd be a rich man.

I just keep telling myself that it is her loss, and after 35 ish days of NC, I'm sure there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope Samesame and Canefan you guys are doing good.

If all of my mates are telling me that I can do better, and I deserve better, then I guess they must be right!

[Sandstorm99]

I wish I was stronger and meaner. This is just never going to end. Gosh!!

The ignoring was clearly getting to her. Her away messages were very negative and some of them were obviously directed to me. She was actually upset with me and I had done nothing. Funny huh?

Well this no contact lasted for 3 months. 3 whole months of ignoring any attempts by her to contact me. Then one day she IM's me and said she wanted to know where to get the blood tests done. She said a girl at her work has all symptoms and she wants to help her. She said please help and don't be selfish. I couldn't resist but answer, she said she googled for weeks and couldn't find the info that I knew. Well I told her the labs and where to send the blood. So this started it up again between us. I should have just told her and dropped back to absolute no contact.

My ex and I talked everyday via IM again. I was sucked into the trap again. She even started to text message me when she was outside of work. Then one night she asked if I wanted to have "friend sex". Yeah, it happened. We still talked everyday. We hung out a few more times(mainly every weekend). Most of the hanging out was initiated by me. Then after about 2 weeks of this, she says we need to talk. She said she feels sick to the stomach that she is leading me on and she doesn't want to. Here we go again, I got my hopes up a little too. Then she continues to say how she thought about getting back together with me so many times. And how she hasn't dated anyone etc. But she still doesn't know what she wants.

She then proceeded to attack me about all the little stupid things I've done in the past and how she can't get the bad things off her mind. It has been close to year now since the break-up. She even says she loves me but I did't say it back to her. She also said that she couldn't even get angry with me because I didn't try to win her back. Win he back?? Was I supposed to try and win her back? Yeah right, there is a thin line between trying to win someone back and stalking. That sounds so ridiculous, whether she believes it or not. Trying to get her back would have pushed her away more I think. I really didn't have much to say to all that. I kind of got upset at her and told her she has tricked me again. I told her she has cried wolf with me far too many times and I'll never fall for this trick again. I said "how are you ever going to get back with me? I won't believe you".

Then a few nights later we talk more. I even ask her to hang out. She still comes and hangs out. I kiss her like we are together and we keep having sex and hanging out at least once per week. Anytime I call out of the blue, she answers. Anytime I ask her to hang out, she doesn't say "no". Now she doesn't contact me outside of IM at her work, like a few weeks before. Things are kind of fading to nothing it feels like. It almost seemed like she was just checking to make sure I wasn't seriously dating anyone. You know how evil they can be, she was probably just checking to make sure I still wanted her. Who knows. I really don't know what to do. She still contacts me via IM when I'm online. I've been real short with her lately. I only reply with short answers and don't say anything lengthy. Part of me wants to try, but she keeps saying "she doesn't know what she wants". It is like I'm not good enough for her and she is looking for someone better looking or something. The other part of me just wants to go back to complete unannounced NO CONTACT. Just not tell her what my move is, just do it. I seem to get her thinking of me more when I ignore her. This whole hanging once per week could go on forever with no real results. It really feels like we are fading again. I think this girl has a big problem of wanting what she can't have.

Throughout all this. I never told her how I feel, or asked to get back together. I was thinking it would happen naturally but it appears she likes this single life or something.

Gosh I hate this. This is a horrible update. I've been fooled yet again.