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losingit77 · Mar 24, 2008, 04:29 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years (I'm 30, he's 26). We've been talking about the future for a while now but pretty casually. Well, I'm starting to want more out of my life and had a serious discussion this past weekend with him. He admittedly doesn't not have "stuff" together. He's still not sure what career he necessarily wants and in general does not think much past the here and now. I asked him if he sees us having a future together. He says he can't say since he doesn't even see his own future. He feels like he needs to get himself together. I said I can't continue with someone if they are unsure about our future. He says he's just unsure about HIS future not necessarily OURs. And he doesn't want to drag me down with him. So I ended it 2 days ago. It was devastating!

He wrote a beautiful goodbye letter which just said how much he loves me and will loves me always. And how he feels like he's let me down and wishes that it hadn't happened this way. But he thinks I deserve everything I want out of life (ie. Marriage, kids, etc.) and he just doesn't know if he'll ever be able to live up to what I want.

I'm sooooo sad. The thing is, he just called me today and we talked about again for an hour. And every time, I said fine, I understand, let me go. He'd want to start talking about again. Aagh, what am I supposed to do? I think our relationship can work but he's so unsure about the future. Then every time I try to end it, he starts talking about it more. I'm tearing myself apart literally. My heart wants to stay soooo bad, but my head is saying go.

jolienoire · Mar 24, 2008, 04:35 PM

Check out this article

Should You Dump A Commitment Phobe? Not Before You Read This

justanother · Mar 24, 2008, 05:12 PM

Wow, that article sums up my latest breakup. I was scared to commit because I was still learning who I am. Any added pressure pushed me more away. Then she left me. That's her fault as of now, I know what I want in my future

losingit77 · Mar 24, 2008, 05:21 PM

I try to explain to him that I want to stay and work on it and discuss it and what "it" means, and then he just says "well, i can't promise the future". Well, duh, no one can! All I'm saying is that I want us to have a future and he just keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants and he's afraid he's just going to let me down at some point and he can't promise anything... its so frustrating!

jolienoire · Mar 24, 2008, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by losingit77

I try to explain to him that I want to stay and work on it and discuss it and what "it" means, and then he just says "well, i can't promise the future". Well, duh, no one can!! All I'm saying is that I want us to have a future and he just keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants and he's afraid he's just going to let me down at some point and he can't promise anything....its so frustrating!

Tell him to stop fearing the future, and live life. You have two options, you can stay and help him through his commitment phobia by being there and not pressuring him to get married, or you can just walk away accepting that this is not what you want and refuse to settle for less, but the thing is if you decide to leave you have to accept your decision and stick with it letting him know that your decision is valid, and you know what you want. Unfortanlety, he is not seeing the same picture as you are. At some point playing house is all fun and fine, but at the same time you want to know where it is going, unfortanelty we don't know, you can come to the realization at some point that you really don't want to be committed to him, the problem is there is really no set time when a person is ready to commit everyone does it at there own pace, some people get married in 6months, and I know couples who get married after 10 years+. It really depends on what you are willing to put up with, but just because you love him, don't allow yourself to settle and then resent him for not making a commitment when he clearly stated he is not ready. It's really a tough situation, that he most come to realize on his own. In cases like this, some men go through a long relationship only to jump into or get married right after the last relationship, its about timing. I think you really need to weigh out if in fact you want to wait and should you wait, and accept your final decision, even if it hurts, you can be saving yourself from driving to a dead in street...

justanother · Mar 24, 2008, 05:44 PM

I think I used those same lines too. I was at the point where I couldn't commit to someone that seemed so advance then me. She wanted to be married at certain age, she wanted a certain amount of kids by a certain age. She had it all planned out and it scared me. I was thinking to myself, "Is she the one, i'm only 21." I even told her that I'm scared to commit and just want to have fun with her now and whatever happens in the future happens. But she didn't like that and the last 3 months of our relationship she admitted she was trying to get over me so when the time came she wouldn't be hurt. So I got screwed in the end. It's funny though, cause after she broke up with me, I feel like I can be so successful and commitment is not a problem for me anymore. Guess this breakup woke me up but she'll never know since she has a new boyfriend and I couldn't do the friends thing like she wanted. So day 13 of No contact.

I know how it can be frustrating, like the article says, if all else fails then let him go. Maybe he'll be like me and wake up after

jolienoire · Mar 24, 2008, 05:56 PM

Originally Posted by justanother

"Is she the one, i'm only 21." I even told her that i'm scared to commit and just want to have fun with her now and whatever happens in the future happens.

Unfortanelty there is no age limit on commitment I know some men, who are 40 and still say the same thing, "im only 40" it has nothing to do with age, but the maturity level, and if they can actually see themselves in the person's future.. for some they love being with their partner but just can't see them as a potential spouse, it is possible, even with the best of relationships... and it fails.. Failed relationships are the groundwork to the future... it's crawling before you walk.. well what I can say to you is that I guess she won't know, but perhaps even though you loved her, you just couldn't picture a future with her, but that doesn't mean something was wrong in your relationship.

talaniman · Mar 25, 2008, 07:20 AM

He will talk you to death, to keep you in his life, but he doesn't want what you want. Stop the confusion, and give him a lot of space, whether he wants to or not. It may be hard, but he has to live without you for a while, and you must be without him, to see if he is worth you waiting for him or not. No pressure, because if he caves to what you want, and is not ready, you will have a disaster on your hands. The more you talk the more confusion there will be.

mafiaangel180 · Mar 25, 2008, 07:29 AM

I honestly can't believe it took four years to finally come to this conclusion! I would go No Contact asap. He definitely needs to see what he's missing. But not just that, he needs to really work on his issues. But before you guys get back together (which might or might not happen), you will have to determine if he has made any changes. Because you don't want to run into the same thing down the road. This is the perfect time to learn more about yourself as well. It will help you get a more clear perspective about what you want and what you are willing to put up with. Good luck!

losingit77 · Mar 25, 2008, 09:42 AM

Ok. Thanks all for your responses. I'm going to do what you suggest and go NC. The more we talk the more confusing it'll get and I don't want to talk anyone into anything. I'm going to focus on myself and what I want. Its hard because I truly do love him and think it could work but if we're not both on the same page then there's nothing I can do about it on my own. So far Day 1 NC, I've made it. I hope it gets easier. Aagh! Our 4 year anniversary would've been in 3 days. : (

talaniman · Mar 25, 2008, 01:55 PM

I just want to be clear, as I generally tell couples that break up to do No Contact, and move on with their lives, and don't look back. In your case, backing off for a while, to let all the emotional dust settle may give you both a fresh perspective in how to proceed, and what course this relationship will take. Regardless a breather to make a good, well thought out decision, is what you need, and so does he.

losingit77 · Mar 25, 2008, 04:03 PM

Question: I know how by boyfriend (exbf) operates and he's going to try to call me in a week or so. My question is what to do I do? Do I accept his call and hear him out assuming he wants to talk about us even though it'll probably be bad news anyway? Do I ignore his call completely and let him wonder? Do I just tell him I really don't want to talk about us anymore as I feel like I'm just talking in circles? I don't know what to do!

losingit77 · Mar 25, 2008, 06:11 PM

As I predicted, my boyfriend (ex-bf) texted me saying he wanted to call me later tonight. I told him to think about whatever it is he has to say and if he stills wants to talk to me, to call me in a couple of days.

talaniman · Mar 25, 2008, 06:16 PM

See if he says anything different, be a good listener.

losingit77 · Mar 29, 2008, 09:41 AM

So we talked today and basically nothing has changed other than I think its official, its over! He basically said he can't be in a committed relationship, things are too routine, he doesn't want to have to think about someonelse when making decisions about his life, he thinks being single, his possibilities are endless and being with someone he feels like he'd always have to ask permission to do whatever. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants, when he wants. (Which he basically always did anyway, so whatever). He says he wishes he didn't still love me because then this would be so much easier. I tried to talk to him saying we could work through things, I cried, etc. did everything I basically shouldn't have done. And then just said, OK. I understand. Goodbye. God! This hurts soooo bad. With us together, I thought the possibilities were endless and I guess he saw the opposite. Its unimaginable to think you'll never have this person in your life again. And now you have to start all over again. 4 years wasted!

losingit77 · Mar 29, 2008, 03:32 PM

Can anyone help me on what to do from here? See post above. I know the answer is just leave him alone and do NC but its killing me. I know in a couple of weeks he's going to start missing me and call, and then I really don't know what to do!

talaniman · Mar 29, 2008, 03:54 PM

Click on the links in my signature, and let me know if they help. Read them all, as they are some great posts with good suggestions in them. You are definitely not alone.

bushg · Mar 31, 2008, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by losingit77

Can anyone help me on what to do from here? See post above. I know the answer is just leave him alone and do NC but its killing me. I know in a couple of weeks he's going to start missing me and call, and then i really don't know what to do!

Yep, and he knows you will be missing him as well and your going to jump at the chance of talking to him and then it just continues to repeat itself over and over and over and over, and nothing gets resolved. So while your trying to figure out this old stale relationship you could have been working on being alone and doing things that make you TRULY happy, so that when you meet someone worthy of your attention and love you will be able to go for it. How many years are you willing to stay with a confused man. Change your NUMBER, let him find someone else to be confused with. For goodness sake listen to Tal, he won't steer you wrong.

jolienoire · Mar 31, 2008, 07:57 AM

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. And remember
"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
Barbara De Angelis

lrlindse · Mar 31, 2008, 08:56 PM

I totally understand where you are coming from. The whole no contact thing is really really hard. I have been here, my ex kept me around, he would keep talking to me, kissing me, and he just wouldn't commit to me. It was going no where. So I told him I'm done waiting... I stopped all contact. But, just yesterday I texted him just to say have a good week! Just to make him think of me a little bit. But now I'm back to no contact. I refuse to kiss him now, and I have to make him work for me. Back in the past I would do anything for him, I would drop all my plans just to see him. I'm done doing that now. I'm living my life for me. He will see what he is missing I know it. He has to. I feel like he will eventually come back, but who will even say ill be here when he does? It hurts sooooo bad... but try to stay strong... you can do it! It gets easier I promise... the whole contact thing makes it harder... the longer you go without contact the easier it gets I promise. Its OK to break down sometimes... I did obviously. But just stay strong