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N0help4u · Mar 12, 2008, 11:06 AM

First I think you are still having a communication problem.
You need to tell him that if he is civil with you and not calling you all on the defensive attack mode that things would have a better chance of working itself out. You need to tell him that his defense mode is only pushing you away and you never said he could not be a part of the babies life.
He needs to *prove* himself and by jumping all over you he is only making you feel more and more like you are making the right decision in pushing him away.

He may have had a change of heart and wants to make it work. It might be best for the two of you to learn to communicate in a positive way and make compromises. IF he has learned from things he has done who knows maybe you could even have a good chance at giving your relationship another try someday.

pinkrose7 · Mar 12, 2008, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by dustyangel

I have been with my boyfriend for almost ten months. At the beginning of the relationship as it always happens he was very attentive, we would go out almost every weekend and did a lot of things together. After a few months he stoped coming by as often and blamed the lack of time on work. A few months ago i found out i was pregnant...he was thrilled and reassure me that he would be there for me and our child. We moved in together but i couldn't handle it and asked him to move out...i am very independent and felt a bit suffocated. He wasnt happy about it. Since then he has been more distant. I don't know where he is living he says with his cousin. I haven't met his parents and that has bothered me from the beginning. I confronted him several times and he always denies that he is cheating and tells me he's just working a lot specially now since we have a baby on the way. I hate the fact that he keeps me in the dark about a lot of things. We haven't been intimate in a little over two weeks and that was a big red flag for me. I confronted him about it and he said making money right now is more important. Sometimes he tells me he's coming by and then he won't show up or even call. I've had it. So i text him today and told him i wanted to be free and not to contact me for a while. I need time to think about myself and take care of my baby i can't keep stressing over this. I don't want to have to be wonderign every day and doubting every word he said. He is very convincing with his responses but at the end of the day i don't feel good about them. I wished i could find a way to know for sure but im not the detective type and for now i just decided to distance myself from the situation. Please let me know what you think and what would you do or think in my situation. thank you

OK now I don't now if he's cheating he might but by you pushing him away doesn't help you or his new baby baby girl know that baby is not that yours OK workwith him stop pushing him away OK try tallking to him and why would you have kicked him out at least kick him out your room I mean why out the house come on you got a baby on the way work it out if not for you for the baby

dustyangel · Mar 12, 2008, 11:25 AM

I know but I'm so hurt by the way he has treated me that I guess my pride is now getting the best of me. I'm scared of putting my heart out there give him yet another chance and get hurt all over again. I'm scared that he is "pretending" to want to be in a relationship with me just for the baby. I can't be with someone like that, it's not healthy and in the long run it will not be good for our child either. I am not sure that he cares about me, he has a lot of proving to do. He keeps saying he wants things to be different but I want to see an action plan on how he will accomplish this.

N0help4u · Mar 12, 2008, 11:31 AM

Originally Posted by pinkrose7

but by u pushing him away doesnt help u or his new baby baby girl know that baby is not that yours ok work with him stop pushing him away ok try tallking to him

Basically what I mean too. LEARN to communicate and establish a decent relationship in a positive way and tell him you want him to be civil. Work things out where he can see the baby and give things time.

dustyangel · Mar 12, 2008, 11:36 AM

Thanks pinkrose. I live in a large studio so there's no bedroom to kick him out of. I have been going back and forth with this guy for a while. If someone loves you and wants to be with you, form a family etc you need to act like it. He has not. It's like someone said here but don't remember who: he has put me through the mushroom effect: kept me in the dark and fed me B.S(excellent quote). I am now almost five months pregnant and I haven't blown off the handle till less then a month ago. I'm hormonal and every pregnant woman needs patience, love and understanding. He has done nothing to make sure I'M happy. You get more with sugar then vinegar with most people and I am like most people that way. I have never told him he cannot be part of his child's life that's not the type of person I am but I need to take care of me cause he sure hasn't.

dustyangel · Mar 12, 2008, 11:55 AM

I have such a hard time talking to him because he just gets defensive and doesn't listen to reason. I'm going to suggest counseling, maybe we need a third person involved... I wanted time off so I could sort things out in my own head and decide what I want. All this time it has been about him, his wants, his needs, him... him... him... sorry but I'm in this too he's a selfish person and is not used to any woman saying NO to him, well he found one. I noticed that the people who cannot respect you and your wishes don't really care about you. This is a character flaw that communication cannot resolve. To him is about getting away with what he wants. I have even told him that the stress is not good for the baby and he seems to not even care about that. One word: SELFISFH

dustyangel · Mar 16, 2008, 09:40 AM

He lost his job and since he worked for a cell phone company they took his phone (which was company owned) now his number is disconnected. I found out he was living with a girl and took money from her, lived off her etc. I'm glad I kicked him out when I did, I'm glad I never gave him a cent, I'm glad I was naïve but not so stupid to get myself even more involved with this loser. He has stopped calling and texting which is a huge relief, I hope he disappears for ever. Yes, we are having a child together but I will deal with the legal aspect of it when the time comes. I'm hurt but I'm strong. He thought he could get me pregnant and live off me. I'm not rich but I have a good job and do well for myself. I am a responsible person with goals. He thought I would be one of those women who would do anything to keep the father of their child around even if he was cheating or using them. I am not that type of woman I would rather raise this baby alone then to be used and abused by a man that is not worh a dime. It's going to be hard as hell but parenting is not for cowards. I thought there was good in him, I wanted to see good in him but at the end of the whole thing he showed his true colors. So sad and dissapointing but life goes on and if I have a boy he will learn to be a real man. I will teach him all the morals and values that seem to be disappearing in this world of ours. I will make it my priority in life to make sure he knows what's important in life and to have compassion and empathy for others. Things happen for a reason. My baby and I will be fine, as for my ex he will always be a selfish low life miserable rat.

N0help4u · Mar 16, 2008, 09:47 AM

You are better off without him. We all do need to teach our sons and daughters how to treat others.
I see so many guys that have a male supremacy thing where they act nice and then turn on you and try to control you. They have no respect or regard for others. It is important to teach him right. I see so many girls that treat guys like dirt too.

starbuck8 · Mar 16, 2008, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by dustyangel

He lost his job and since he worked for a cell phone company they took his phone (which was company owned) now his number is disconnected. I found out he was living with a girl and took money from her, lived off of her etc. I'm glad i kicked him out when i did, i'm glad i never gave him a cent, i'm glad i was naive but not so stupid to get myself even more involved with this loser. He has stopped calling and texting which is a huge relief, i hope he dissapears for ever. Yes, we are having a child together but i will deal with the legal aspect of it when the time comes. I'm hurt but i'm strong. He thought he could get me pregnant and live off of me. I'm not rich but i have a good job and do well for myself. I am a responsible person with goals. He thought i would be one of those women who would do anything to keep the father of their child around even if he was cheating or using them. I am not that type of woman i would rather raise this baby alone then to be used and abused by a man that is not worh a dime. It's going to be hard as hell but parenting is not for cowards. I thought there was good in him, i wanted to see good in him but at the end of the whole thing he showed his true colors. So sad and dissapointing but life goes on and if i have a boy he will learn to be a real man. I will teach him all the morals and values that seem to be dissapearing in this world of ours. I will make it my priority in life to make sure he knows what's important in life and to have compassion and empathy for others. Things happen for a reason. My baby and i will be fine, as for my ex he will always be a selfish low life miserable rat.

I think you had your answer right from the start! You just needed some confirmation. He sounds like a very immature, irresponsible little boy that had no business making a baby to begin with. I believe you realise your part in it too.

Kudo's to you for working hard and wanting to instill good morals in your child. The world sure needs more Mom's like that! Maybe one day your ex will realise how important it is to man up and provide the care his baby needs, and the same morality. He's got to get out of his 'playpen' and put his big boy pants on sooner or later right? He can either do it on his own, or through the courts. I hope for your child's sake, he will do it on his own!

No matter what HE decides to do, keep your own morals intact and stand your ground. I know you loved him, but he hasn't grown up himself yet obviously. You are right to make sure that he gets to form a relationship with your child. The proof will be in the pudding as to how your ex decides to be involved.

In the meantime, take care of that little baby and teach him right from wrong. He/She will thank you for it, and you will get it back in spades! :)

starbuck8 · Mar 16, 2008, 02:05 PM

Just a note:

You might like to read a new post by "snowgirl" ---Why women cry---(family forum)

dustyangel · Mar 17, 2008, 06:14 AM

Thank you starbuck! :) I really needed to hear words like yours. I was taught very well by my single mom, we didn't have much money and didn't get to spend too much time together but morals and values were always a priority in my life from all those around me that helped my mom raise me. I guess I'm mostly mad at myself for forgeting where I come from and letting my loneliness and low self steem get the best of me. I wanted to be loved and wanted to love in return so I wanted desperately to see the best in this person even though my gut sometimes was telling me something different. He was great at the beginning and promised all sorts of things which I obviously believed were going to come true. Being betrayed in such a way is hearbreaking but I have decided to place all of my focus on my baby so he or she doesn't have to pay the consequences. I take full responsibility for my pregnancy because I should have been more careful as I always had but again it seems this was meant to happen to me. All I can do at this point is make the best of this situation and give my child the best upbringing I can possibly give him/her. My baby is going to be biracial since the father is african american so I have my work cut out for me. I will have to teach him about the ignorant people in the world who will come into his/her life. I will raise a child not a race... god has put in from of me this difficult task but I believe in my heart that I'm up for the challenge. I have a wonderful family that loves me and supports me which is huge in my book. I'm originally from Argentina living in the US for a while now and I have a lot of family there where my child will go frequently to learn that culture as well... he or she will be bilingual or maybe trilingual I speak italian as well!! So as you can see I have big dreams for my child's education and this is what I'm focusing on... you are right about the father I hope one day he will grow up and realize his mistakes... I hope he can be a good father, regardless of what he did to me I would want him to have a good and positive relationship with his child so I pray he will come to his senses and step up to the plate. Thanks again starbuck... I feel strong and ready for the journey ahead. :)

starbuck8 · Mar 17, 2008, 08:34 AM

Hey Dustyangel,

You're very welcome! :)
Your name says it all! Your baby will be happy that his/her mom is an angel, and got right back up and dusted herself off! It's very hard to do sometimes, as I very well know myself!

You sound like you have your head on perfectly straight even though it was tilted for awhile, lol. Who hasn't gone through things like that?! We have all been there at one time or another for sure right? You wanted to believe that your child's father would be a stand-up guy and he didn't follow through with his promises. But you are picking up the slack for him, as we often have to do, and making sure that your babe has a bright future!

Cheers to you for planning to teach your child about his heritage. That will help him/her a lot in a world of sometimes ignorant people! I believe you're right that this DID happen to you for a reason. Not the best of circumstances for sure, but it's weird how it can all fall into place sometimes. Thank your mom for raising you with the morals and values that you have! As a matter of fact, I think I will call my mom too ;)

Take care of yourself and that babe of yours OK? and let me know how things are going!

Good Luck (and happy St. Patty's Day to you!) :)

kadian · Mar 17, 2008, 08:40 AM

Originally Posted by dustyangel

I have been with my boyfriend for almost ten months. At the beginning of the relationship as it always happens he was very attentive, we would go out almost every weekend and did a lot of things together. After a few months he stoped coming by as often and blamed the lack of time on work. A few months ago i found out i was pregnant...he was thrilled and reassure me that he would be there for me and our child. We moved in together but i couldn't handle it and asked him to move out...i am very independent and felt a bit suffocated. He wasnt happy about it. Since then he has been more distant. I don't know where he is living he says with his cousin. I haven't met his parents and that has bothered me from the beginning. I confronted him several times and he always denies that he is cheating and tells me he's just working a lot specially now since we have a baby on the way. I hate the fact that he keeps me in the dark about a lot of things. We haven't been intimate in a little over two weeks and that was a big red flag for me. I confronted him about it and he said making money right now is more important. Sometimes he tells me he's coming by and then he won't show up or even call. I've had it. So i text him today and told him i wanted to be free and not to contact me for a while. I need time to think about myself and take care of my baby i can't keep stressing over this. I don't want to have to be wonderign every day and doubting every word he said. He is very convincing with his responses but at the end of the day i don't feel good about them. I wished i could find a way to know for sure but im not the detective type and for now i just decided to distance myself from the situation. Please let me know what you think and what would you do or think in my situation. thank you

He is cheating I was in a similar situation I think you should move on because you just hurting the baby and youur self good kuck!

dustyangel · Mar 17, 2008, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by kadian

he is cheating i was in a similar situation i think you should move on because you just hurting the baby and youur self good kuck!

Yeah I found out he was living with another girl and now has been out of the pic for almost a week. I'm definitely moving on. It sucks being betrayed like this but life goes on and I can sleep well at night knowing I did nothing wrong. My baby and I will be fine. Thank you, sorry you had to go through something similar... was this a long time ago are you over it by now?

dustyangel · Mar 31, 2008, 07:02 AM

My ex is contacting me again. He asked me to meet him at a coffee house to talk, he wanted to tell me everything and come clean about cheating on me. I agreed to meet up with him. He apologized to no end and seemed honest enough. He said he made a huge mistake, he was confused, inmature, impulsive etc. He asked for another chance and for my forgiveness. I told him I already had but it was too soon for second chances, how would I trust him again? How would I know he won't do it again? He said he would prove it to me, that he realizes now that he made a huge mistake and wants a second change. He said he has a new job and saving money for the baby and for a potential future for us. I'm scared of even thinking of giving him another chance. I'm scared he will hurt me again. I want to believe in him but last time I did I got burned. I want to think he will change and things will be great from now on but it's never that easy. The only reason why I'm reconsidering is because we are having a baby together.

I don't know what to do... I've been strong this whole time and I don't want to lose that and become confused myself. Matters of the heart are never easy... :(

starbuck8 · Mar 31, 2008, 07:21 AM

Okay, words come cheap. He has to put his money where his mouth is. Tell him to prove that he wants to change his behaviour, and the only way he can do that is by his actions. Don't just take him back and hope he is sincere. Set a time limit, of say 6 months, and watch how consistent he stays with what he said he would do. There are subtle things you can do to test just how committed he is to following through. Pay attention to how he acts and not the words that fly easily out of his mouth.

dustyangel · Mar 31, 2008, 07:39 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

Okay, words come cheap. He has to put his money where his mouth is. Tell him to prove that he wants to change his behaviour, and the only way he can do that is by his actions. Don't just take him back and hope he is sincere. Set a time limit, of say 6 mos, and watch how consistant he stays with what he said he would do. There are subtle things you can do to test just how committed he is to following through. Pay attention to how he acts and not the words that fly easily out of his mouth.

You are absolutely right. I like the six month probation idea. I was thinking the same thing, if he's honest and serious about a real change he will put in the effort. That will be the only way to know for sure if he deserves another chance. He asked me out to dinner and a movie the other day saying he wants to build back to a friendship. I declined, not ready yet but I need to be around to see his behaviour and if his life is truly changing. It's so hard, he is the one that hurts me and I still have to go through all of this... I pray he will change, I see good in him still... am I crazy or just hopeful? Or simply dumb as dirt?? LOL
I'm still taking care of me and my baby which is a BOY by the way!! I smile every time. :)I'm going to raise him to be a great man that's for sure!!

talaniman · Mar 31, 2008, 07:40 AM

Don't just take him back and hope he is sincere.

Let him prove himself by his actions, and his actions to this point, are devastating to you and your child. He is a father and therefore has responsibilities. If he can't meet those, don't even consider him sincere. Words don't raise kids, or buy pampers. One thing to consider, he can have child support taken out of his check, VOLUNTARILY, as a contingent you may never take him back. For sure let him do this away from you, as moving back, is not going to cut it. Make him earn the right to be in your life. Don't be fooled by slick words, or half a$$ed actions, just so he has a roof over his head.

talaniman · Mar 31, 2008, 07:48 AM

He asked me out to dinner and a movie the other day saying he wants to build back to a friendship. I declined, not ready yet but I need to be around to see his behavior and if his life is truly changing.

I disagree, you don't have to be around him at all, to see if he is putting in the right efforts. Contact such as dates, and such, only let him sweet talk you, and stir your emotions. If that's the extent of his trying, forget it. You will always be confused, and influenced, by his words. Is he taking care of business? Thats the only yardstick you need. Pampers, rent, daycare, milk, insurance for you, and your son. The list goes on. That's what you judge him by, not dinner, or fine food. You were very wise not to go to dinner with him.

starbuck8 · Mar 31, 2008, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by dustyangel

You are absolutely right. I like the six month probation idea. I was thinking the same thing, if he's honest and serious about a real change he will put in the effort. That will be the only way to know for sure if he deserves another chance. He asked me out to dinner and a movie the other day saying he wants to build back to a friendship. I declined, not ready yet but i need to be around to see his behaviour and if his life is truly changing. It's so hard, he is the one that hurts me and i still have to go through all of this....i pray he will change, i see good in him still....am i crazy or just hopeful? or simply dumb as dirt??? LOL
I'm still taking care of me and my baby which is a BOY by the way!!! I smile every time. :)I'm going to raise him to be a great man that's for sure!!!

It may be wishful thinking, and no it doesn't mean you are dumb as dirt. Lol. Let him come back around very gradually, and then watch closely.

Congrats on your babe being a boy, and for wanting to make sure he grows into a great man! I have faith that you can do it with or without him! ;)