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aydyn · Feb 26, 2008, 10:03 PM

I have two children. 13 years old boy and 12 years old girl. Yesterday, my girl wrote me a letter with these big questions of which she mentions that she has been thinking about for quite a while. Here is the questions:

1. What is the use of me?
2. Why am I in this world?
3. What is the meaning of "union"

On top of that, she drew a picture of my son, my husband and me but excluding herself from the picture. She also wraps a gift ( a key chain in love shape) for me and my husband together with the question she asked and put in on my pillow last night.

I am loss as to how should I answer her and this is the first time the child asked me this sort of questions.

Is there anyone who has the same experience and is willing to share with me as to how to handle these question it?

Alty · Feb 26, 2008, 11:13 PM

What is the Use of me? Only you can determine that, but I do know that God put you on this earth for a very special reason. You give me joy every moment that I am with you. I am proud and blessed to me your mother. My world is a better place because you're in it. I love you and I'm glad you are here.

Why am I in this world? You have an impact on everyone that you meet, you are here to fulfill something that even you don't know yet. Maybe you will be the person that discovers a cure for cancer, maybe you'll be the first female president, maybe you'll be a mom and have an impact on your children's lives. I do know that I'm glad that you are in this world, it would be empty without you.

What is the meaning of Union? - I don't think you want the actual dictionary meaning, I don't understand what you want to know, but I'd be more than willing to talk to you about it and hear your ideas. I'm always here if you want to talk, no question is to strange and no question will go unanswered.

It sounds like she might be depressed or confused and doesn't know what to do. She is reaching out to you and this is your opportunity to sit with her and find out what is going on. If you don't have an answer for her questions than simply ask her why she asked you these questions and exactly what is it she wants to know. Tell her that you love her and ask her if she's okay. I would also talk to a doctor, it could be depression, don't let it slide, take some action, she's reaching out.

aydyn · Feb 27, 2008, 04:08 AM

[QUOTE=Altenweg]What is the Use of me? Only you can determine that, but I do know that God put you on this earth for a very special reason. You give me joy every moment that I am with you. I am proud and blessed to me your mother. My world is a better place because you're in it. I love you and I'm glad you are here.

Thank you for the answer. That was a kind act of you. :) It seems that you understand young children very well. :)

Marriedguy · Feb 27, 2008, 06:13 AM

This is an outcry this little girl feels left out and not part your family. Honestly, do you tend to the son more then you tend to her? She is feeling that she doesn't belong.. I don't know what the situation is be you have to give her some love and attention.

Question 1 and 2 is pretty much the same thing just worded differently. I would tell her that, that her questions are very deep and most adults never ask that question (positive feedback). Tell her that her purpose is decided by her and if she doesn't know now its OK. She has a lot of time to decide.

Tell that you love her and that she is an important part of your family. Explain to her what an union is and tell her that your family is an union between everyone mention above and then enforce that she is a very important part of that union.

Please don't just give her these answers and believe everything is going to be OK. This is an outcry and think you are very lucky that she has done this. There has to be a change in this family's behavior. She may need counseling.. Something is very wrong you have to find out what and why.

Alty · Feb 27, 2008, 07:29 AM

Married guy - I gave the answers to try and point out that she needs to be told how much she is loved.

I also stated that she is crying out for something and that professional help should be considered. I know that giving her the answers I posted isn't going to completely fix everything, but I do think it's a start and a way to get her talking to her parents about what's really bothering her. This is a warning that something is bothering her, she's asking for her mom and dad to listen, and obviously they are otherwise they wouldn't be so concerned about this, and yes, they have a right to be concerned.

Counselling is a definite must, they need to find out what prompted these questions and get her the help she needs.

ScottGem · Feb 27, 2008, 07:34 AM

These are interesting questions and the method of asking them is also interesting. Before I answered them, I would sit down and discuss with her what prompted her to ask them. That may help you figure out how to answer.

Depressed in MO · Feb 27, 2008, 07:54 AM

I would also consider the fact that it could be something to do with puberty. I know I was very inquisitive around the age of 12. Some females develop maturity faster than others.

Scott Gem's answer was the best in my opinion. Sit down with her and ask her why she is asking these questions before you answer them-to get a better understanding of where she is coming from.

aydyn · Feb 27, 2008, 07:57 AM

Great. Thanks to Altenweg, MarriedGuy and ScottGem. :)

You guys have given me something to start a conversation with my 12 years old. I believe its because of my busy and long office hours that could have directly or indirectly cause this. And also the fact that I am closer to my elder boy could have cause her to feel left out.

I am just hoping that she will open up to me as to why and agreed with MarriedGuy that I am still consider lucky that she asked me all that question instead of someone else. At least, she have given me a chance to to reaffirm my love for her.

Wildsporty · Feb 27, 2008, 08:09 AM

I actually have had a similar incident while raising my 4 children. The younger child feels that he/she is left out because as the older child grows and matures, especially if it is a male and female he is treated more like an adult and included in more adult conversations and the younger one is treated more like a child. Often an older son will have more privileges and will be given control over the younger... watch out for your sister... making the younger female child feel inferior.

I like the idea of finding out why the questions were asked, but she obviously is too shy to approach you with the problems or she would have done so and not written the letter. Let her know that anything she says will be okay and that she will not be in trouble or you will not be angry or upset with her .

I think she is asking what the family unit is. That would be the joining of a family, Father, Mother, Son and Daughter. Somehow she is feeling that she is not part of the Union or the uniting of the family. She is asking where does she fit in this family unit or union.

I think family counseling is a good idea. Talk to the son separately and find out if he has any issues.

Whatever the cause you have a hurting little girl that is reaching out for help. Now is the time to reach out to her.

Shirley

ScottGem · Feb 27, 2008, 08:23 AM

One reason, I suggested asking her why she asks is because the questions smack of a philosophy homework assignment. This could be similar to the old joke about little Johhny asking where do I come from. An hour later, after mommy (or daddy) explains the "birds and the bees", Johnny says, Oh I knew all that, but Jimmy comes from Cleveland so I was wondering where I come from?

With young people, you need to understand why they are asking the question first (sometimes with older people too). Only then can you truly know how to answer it.

Marriedguy · Feb 28, 2008, 03:20 PM

@ altenweg... I agree with your answer 100% I just didn't want the aydyn think giving her daughter a good answer was going to solve her issues. So I reinforced what you said about seeking counsel. I didn't mean to offend you, and if I did I do apologize.

Allheart · Feb 28, 2008, 03:31 PM

1. What is the use of me?
2. Why am I in this world?
3. What is the meaning of "union"

On top of that, she drew a picture of my son, my husband and me but excluding herself from the picture. She also wraps a gift ( a key chain in love shape) for me and my husband together with the question she asked and put in on my pillow last night.

Mom, bless your little girl. What a special little girl that can have such deep meanings?

I would agree that maybe a homework assignment, but because of the keychain and picture, it would be reason enough for me to give it consistent focused attention.

You could tell your daughter... that... (hopefully you can fit this in)... Saturday afternoons will be girls day. Not just one Saturday.. consistent focused is needed...

So, Saturday afternoons is girls day, and you can tell her this Saturday, over lunch, you and her will talk about question 1... and next Saturday... question 2.

It may be just a whim she had, homework assignment or she really may be hurting inside.
I think it's well worth focusing and setting just a couple of hours for girls day. And if it is homework, or a whim, you still spent precious time with your daughter that I bet both of you will cherish when you look back years from now.

Let her know you hear what her heart is trying to say. Not in words but loving "Mom" attention.

I could be way off here. I'm not a parent. But I was a little girl, with a heavy heart sometimes.

Let us know... okay... and good for you for taken notice on the incredible questions.

Alty · Feb 28, 2008, 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by Marriedguy

@ altenweg...I agree with your answer 100% I just didnt want the aydyn think giving her daughter a good answer was going to solve her issues. So I reinforced what you said about seeking counsel. I didnt mean to offend you, and if I did I do apologize.

You didn't offend me, I'm just sick and a bit grumpy and didn't realize that my post sounded like I might be offended. You are correct counselling is a must. She's at an age were not everything makes sense and hormones are running rampant. If I sounded offended then I apologize.

Mr_am · Feb 28, 2008, 07:00 PM

I agree with all of the above answers.. well done nice words and expression.. what is as important as words are actions. The child needs to feel the nice words you tell her.. by your attention and more care towards her.. you would need to get closer to each other... doing activities together.. have more time to talk to her and to listen to her. Women tend to talk a bit more.. means we need someone to listen.

You are lucky cos the questions were not that bad... It was an early alarming siren. Kids need more attention from parents. From my point of view.. you do not need any external help.. use your instinct as a mother (some help from her father would be appreciated too) and you would know how to deal with it.. and do things very well and do not worry.. even if you are facing this alone.. your effort is great. Good luck.

Mr_am · Feb 28, 2008, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by Allheart

It may be just a whim she had, homework assignment or she really may be hurting inside.

Come on.. let's keep school out of this..! It must be her place in the family.. that she does not feel beloved.

Allheart · Feb 29, 2008, 12:53 AM

Originally Posted by Mr_am

Come on .. let's keep school out of this ... !! It must be her place in the family .. that she does not feel beloved.

I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with a homework assignment, It was written as... maybe this or maybe that... or maybe she's hurting inside. An that is what I truly think.

Please read the entire post and no reason for your tone.

Why do people have to be so rude. All the caring words written and you chose that sentence?

Please again, read the whole post. I don't want the sentiments of what I wanted to share with this Mother thrown off by what you chose to make unkind.

justcurious55 · Feb 29, 2008, 12:59 AM

I remember going through that phase. It was awful. I felt unloved, underappreciated, and totally out of place in every setting. Remind your daughter she is loved and appreciated and even if she doesn't know what her purpose in life is now that everyone has one and it just takes most of us a while longer before we figure it out. I found that getting more involved in things helped. Maybe take a fun class (like belly dancing) together or do a walk for breast cancer or another cause together. You guys can bond and she can have something to feel good about. She's probably just going through an awkward stage and needs some extra support and guidance.

ScottGem · Feb 29, 2008, 07:04 AM

Originally Posted by Mr_am

Come on .. let's keep school out of this ... !! It must be her place in the family .. that she does not feel beloved.

You have the right to disagree, but I don't think my suggestion should be so easily dismissed. I'm not saying it Must be a homework problem, but I do believe that it's a possibility that should be explored. I firmly believe that before any answers are given, it should be determined why the questions are being asked. Knowing that will help determine how they should be answered.

Allheart · Feb 29, 2008, 07:11 AM

Originally Posted by Allheart

I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with a homework assignment, It was written as...maybe this or maybe that....or maybe she's hurting inside. An that is what I truly think.

Please read the entire post and no reason for your tone.

Why do people have to be so rude. All the caring words written and you chose that sentence?

Please again, read the whole post. I don't want the sentiments of what I wanted to share with this Mother thrown off by what you chose to make unkind.

Sorry Mr_am, I read your post first thing in the Am and got upset that my sentiments were misunderstood :( , and it was before my coffee and I wanted the OP, to understand what I was trying to say from my heart.

I was wrong to get my curls in a spiral... sorry there. But I don't think it was a homework assignement because of what she gave Mom under her pillow, but Scott is right, you have to consider all possibilities, but I still say Mom should have girls day.

Sorry again.