[SJB1701E]

I don't know where to look. And I don't know what finding yourself means... I hear it and have no idea what it means. I know who I am, faults and all... how does one lose themselves to begin with?

[talaniman]

I don't know where to look. And I don't know what finding yourself means....... I hear it and have no idea what it means. I know who I am, faults and all.... how does one lose themselves to begin with?

You lose yourself by wrapping so much of yourself, into someone else. When they leave, there seems to be nothing left. You made her your life, instead of part of it. That's what you need to address at this time. Filling that hole in your soul, now that she is gone. You do that, by getting a life that you enjoy without her in it, and learn to love yourself, and be happy with who you are. Simple, but requires a lot of work, so quit crying, and get busy getting your life back! That's up to you and the sooner you let it go, and love yourself, the better you will feel. If you had been a little less in love with her, and more in love with you, you would have seen this coming, and wouldn't be in the shock you are now. Get busy.

[CaribMan]

then look at your life look for tomorrow, look at today forget the past buddy... trust me I was in the same state you are in right fukin now and... I made goals for myself... not going to let that cu^t bring you down, your better than her and I know your better that that... your going to miss her... hell I still miss my ex... but its not up to you to bring her back its up to her and if she doesn't want to be with you then then she's not the girl for you... would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?? All you need is time bro... time is you enemy now use it as your advantage... I know how you feel I'm going through the same thing... I know you think "i dident give all my love for this bul feeling" but what can you do... thats life.. up and downs, downs and ups... its how you deal with the downs that get you through this life...

[Romefalls19]

I understand your hurt Carib, but language buddy ha ha... I agree with your post SJB, the late 20 early 21 age range is spot on. Me and my ex were great together, everyone saw marriage in our future.. The "perfect couple" is what we were always told. But there were other plans, she used the excuse I was too jealous, so I went out and got help, but then got the "I just need to be alone with my friends, I don't want to date anyone else" and now she's dating some of guy. But what will be, will be. Our whole life is already planned out for us, we have no say in the matter. You could have stopped talking to her on day 1 and it would have made no difference at all. She is trying to lift the guilt of her shoulders by saying "if you didn't do this, I would have come back" BULL! Sure you feel like hell now, but soon you look back and realize what an idiot you were for acting like this, sure it's understandable to be hurt over a broken heart. I'm still hurting over it and it's been 2 months. I'm sure Confused is in my same boat, we still hurt but it is starting to get better with each passing day. If you need to find comfort in anything, find comfort in yourself. No girl is going to want to date a guy who can't stand on his own two feet, we as males(sorry ladies) are always looked as the strong one. So take this time, mourn the loss of your love and remember this, if it's meant to be, god will find a way to bring it back. If it wasn't meant to be, god will send you someone even better. Here's a great quote for you that gets me by every day

"God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight"

[SJB1701E]

I'm still me with her or with out her. I didn't lose myself. I just had no other sources of joy in my life. She made the bad parts bearable. Now with out her, I'm seeing what I have been trying to ignore for the past 9 months. I hate my career and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to do what I went to school for the past 3 years learning to do. I'm massively in debt. I hate what I'm studying in school but am 3 quarters from graduation. I hate my job. I get no gratification in my life. I know its not a relationship question, but what can I do? I hate my life. I've every part of my life except her. What can I do? I feel like I'm living a meaningless existence and I Don't MEAN BECAUSE SHE LEFT. My professional life is meaningless to me. I don't know what to do. What can I do?

[CaribMan]

Very sorry if I offended anyone with my obscenities... I was in the state SJB is in not even a week ago and it hurt a lot.. it still does... I was just trying to say him what I wished someone would have said to me... sorry again

[Romefalls19]

No worries Carib... I just thought maybe some women would take offense to it. But of course, everyone of us thinks their ex is certain things. Even if they don't want to admit it, because ask Tal.. When I first came on here, I was "it's all my fault, my ex was perfect" and now looking back at some of those posts, oh how stupid I feel. She had just as many faults.

Also SJB, never regret something that once made you happy. Sure, she may have left you in this state of disarray and sadness but seriously, it's not the end of the world. You want to get even with her? Become a better person and show her you are better off without her.

[talaniman]

Learn the lessons before you. Just as intense feeling of rejection, can make you doubt yourself, and the whole world, so to can intense feeling of attraction, hide the truth about your partners, and that is why taking it very slow and getting to really know someone, is the way to go. After a break up, quick, clean, and complete to let it go, works best.

[SJB1701E]

I am attempting to get ahold of an old friend for help. She goes to a church I have been interrested in attending and I think a little faith and reconnection with the lord is just what I need. I'm really just interrested in havig a friend to go with and support me and maybe help me find my way back to the love of God. I cannot heal my soul alone, but through God all things are possible. With Him and the support of my friend, other friends, and family can start on the road to recovery.

[SJB1701E]

God I am so SICK of this... I spent over 70 hours with only 4 hours of sleep spread out over it due to a combination of not being able to sleep because of her, having school projects I couldn't focus on that I waited on till the last minute cause of thinking about her, and having to go to school and work. Well I called into work cause I was exhausted. I took a sleeping pill thinking That would assure me that I wouldn't wake up till at least my body was rested. I crashed. Well I went to bed a little after 10pm and just woke up unable to sleep thinking and dreaming of her at 3:40am... I was up over 70 hours with almost no sleep and I take a sleeping pill and I still can't get a fell nights rest.

[CaribMan]

Yo SJB look at what your doing to yourself... I too have experienced the can't sleep thinking about her bul!crap, but sleeping pills is not the answer... you can get hooked to that man... you got to clear your head go for a walk, for a drive... when I can't sleep I just hit the gym for like 2 hrs or so, work out till I can't anymore till my body pains so I concentrate less on my heart pains or I play the ps3 my ex bought me for Christmas anything to keep my mind off her... I know its hard but in 2 weeks I guarantee u'll still pain but not as much as before. Nothing but time mang!

[SJB1701E]

yo SJB look at what ur doing to yourself....i too have experienced the can't sleep thinkin bout her bul!crap, but sleeping pills is not the answer...you can get hooked to that man.... you gotta clear your head go for a walk, for a drive... when i can't sleep i just hit the gym for like 2 hrs or so, work out till i can't anymore till my body pains soo i concentrate less on my heart pains or i play the ps3 my ex bought me for Christmas anything to keep my mind off her... i know its hard but in 2 weeks i guarantee u'll still pain but not as much as before. nothin but time mang!

Don't worry Carib I'm not taking them every night and my doctor says they're nonaddictive. Just took it last night needing one good nights rest. Couldn't even get that...

[talaniman]

Take their advice, SJ, a good strenuous exercise session, and a hot shower and two aspirin is all you need, and you will sleep like a baby. IT WORKS!! Years ago cycling, and pick up basketball, saved my sanity, and got me through a break up of a 3 year relationship, that I thought would last forever.

[SJB1701E]

Well I have arranged to go to church with my friend and her boyfriend this Sunday. She's going to show me where it is and show me what the place is like. I'll probably start going regularly by myself if I feel a connection to it. I am going to start seeing a Christian therapist this weekend to help me deal with this and my other emotional problems such as dissatisfaction with my career and my overall depression that I've had for over 10 years solid. I know my depression, though not always on the surface, has contributed to almost every relationship failure I've had. This one's hitting me the hardest.

Today I wrote a goodbye letter to my ex. Not a begging to please be with me letter. Not a "this is what happened and here's how we can fix it" letter. Not a false hope letter (ok that's a bit of a lie). Just a letter telling her what I've seen in her. That I can tell she has a void in her where she doesn't love herself. She hates herself, has low self esteem, and doesn't know how beautiful she is. I told her that she tried to fill the void up with me, but that's not my place to fill. I told her she's going to try and fill it with partying, but in the end that won't either. I told her the only place she can look is in herself when she was ready. I told her that just like she was with me, it won't matter how great a relationship is, if she doesn't love herself she'll never be happy with anyone. I am still trying to convince myself to take that advice. I then gave a long talk about fate and God's plan and told her that there was nothing I could have done, even if I was perfect to prevent her from feeling this at this point in her life. Told her I I had already tried to fill my own void with partying and drinking before I even met her and that I only came out feeling more empty. Told her this is something she will only find out by experiencing it. Then built myself up with a few false hopes that will fade in time by saying that we have no idea what the plan is for each of us and that we might even be guided back together again after we both grow up some and learn to love ourselves. I told her I wouldn't keep in touch with her but if in the future her heart tells her to contact me to not be afraid. I know this is one of those mistakes that will hurt me more while I heal, but I will heal none the less guys. For a time, I'll be expecting her to come back, but I'll eventually give up on that I know. I told her I wasn't going to wait around for her, but then again I don't know where I'll be in my life. Anyway, I told her Goodbye. Not see you later. Not hope to see you again. I told her goodbye. I'm giving her the letter in the small box of stuff I'm giving back to her. I probably won't hear a response to it, but at least I feel better getting it all out of my head and onto paper. I slept a good 5 hours almost peacefully after writing it then had to get up for work. This Friday is goodbye for good I know, but I'm still going to hold on to misguided hope for a while until I heal more. I'm not looking forward to it, because I will have nothing left to hold on to after. I can't wait for it so that I can put it behind me and start healing. Even if she doesn't read the letter at least I got it out of my head. Even if she does read it, it won't be the magic words that will undo all this, but at least its not stewing in my head. It'll most likely be the last thing I ever say to her and I'm actually glad that I'm being nice in my final words to her.

[SJB1701E]

Guys I'm just so afraid of what comes next. Of being alone. Of not being with her. We weren't perfect, you could sell tickets to our fights, but we spent most of our time being happy with each other. I have such a hard time grasping that this could happen. I'm scared of what comes next. I'm afraid of not eventually finding someone. I don't want to be alone. If I knew the magic words to make her come back I would. There are no magic words though. I'm scared of what comes next. I'm scared and I dread life after her. I have no choice. But I'm scared to death. For the first time in my life I have fallen and don't have anyone to help me stand back up. I'm afraid.

[SJB1701E]

I'm actually in high spirts at the moment. I decided not to give her the letter. It could only do more harm than good. (It was 7 Freakin Pages Long!! ) It was good for me to write it out and get it out of my head though. I'm trusting the Lord right now. No matter what happens I'm trusting Him. I'm praying to Him truly for the first time in this. And I feel better today. I was even laughing with one of my friends. I had a deep talk to a close friend at work and I decided the best way to attempt to salvage things and also more importantly came to peace with God and turned to Him to give me the strength patience and peace I will need to get through no matter what the outcome. I have accepted that even if she does not end up in my life God knows what's best for me and will guide me on the path to happiness. Also, today I feel a little more at peace with myself.

[CaribMan]

Guys I'm just so afraid of what comes next. Of being alone. Of not being with her. We wern't perfect, you could sell tickets to our fights, but we spent most of our time being happy with eachother. I have such a hard time grasping that this could happen. I'm scared of what comes next. I'm afraid of not eventually finding someone. I don't want to be alone. If I knew the magic words to make her come back I would. There are no magic words though. I'm scared of what comes next. I'm scared and I dread life after her. I have no choice. But I'm scared to death. For the first time in my life I have fallen and don't have anyone to help me stand back up. I'm afraid.

Don't worry bud... DONT BE AFRAID!. I bet you were alone before you met her and I bet you were fine being alone... you say your going to go to church, then you will always have God at your side no matter how lonely you are he's always be with you... you just have to get good at being alone make time to do stuff when you have nothing to do... re watch favorite movie re read favorite book or get new books watever just fill your day with plans... make plans for yourself say today I'm going to do this tomorrow I'm going to do that... think about yourself not her... if you have to think, think about you future goals... I bet you have some... mine is to pay off school loans and save then go back to school to do a course I really want to do... right now that all I think about... I still think about being alone and being without her, but you have to realize all that you can count on in life is yourself... work on being a better person... that what trying to do now... its going to be hard for you as it was for all of us... God has a big plan for you! :p

[CaribMan]

I'm actually in high spirts at the moment. I decided not to give her the letter. It could only do more harm than good. (It was 7 Freakin Pages Long!!!!) It was good for me to write it out and get it out of my head though. I'm trusting the Lord right now. No matter what happens I'm trusting Him. I'm praying to Him truely for the first time in this. And I feel better today. I was even laughing with one of my friends. I had a deep talk to a close friend at work and I decided the best way to attempt to salvage things and also more importantly came to peace with God and turned to Him to give me the strength patience and peace I will need to get through no matter what the outcome. I have accepted that even if she does not end up in my life God knows whats best for me and will guide me on the path to happiness. Also, today I feel a little more at peace with myself.

See your on the right track already!

[talaniman]

I love it, when those that come here in complete misery and pain, and confusion, finally show a glimmer of hope. SJ, you will never know how I have hoped you would start getting yourself back, and as you get stronger, I surely expect a lot from you, because I know where your coming from, but for now, I like your plan for yourself, and NOT mailing that letter, was a real sign, that you can stand alone, and face the life your heading for. You are definitely on the right path.

[ISneezeFunny]

Good for you for not sending that letter. You're right, chances are, it will do more harm than good. Why? Because you'll send the letter, she may/may not respond. If she responds, her response will send you into an emotional abyss. If she doesn't respond, you'll be up nights wondering why she didn't respond... what she thought about your letter... etc.

Caribman is right... you were fine before you were with her, and you'll be fine now.

Try and listen to the people on this forum (big ups to tal). They've all been through exactly what you went through (Ihatewestseneca, freakinconfused, romefalls, and I just recently went through it... all in the past 2 months). Keep yourself busy, and do what makes you happy on a daily basis.

Baby steps. They work.