[Fixer12]

So one thing today I am having a hard time with is I am pretty sure I found out who she is with now. I saw pictures of the guy once and I have to admit... he seems a lot better looking then I am. The jealousy is eating me alive!! Any advice?

[talaniman]

So one thing today i am having a hard time with is i am pretty sure i found out who she is with now. I saw pictures of the guy once and i have to admit... he seems alot better looking then i am. The jealousy is eating me alive!!!! any advice?

There you go again, letting what she is doing affect how you feel. Stop shooting yourself in the foot, and do something for yourself, like reread "what to expect when you get dumped". You are not focusing on what you need to. Sorry, but get busy, that's my advice.

[Fixer12]

So tonight, I went out on my first real date for along time. It went good. But I was really able to understand a lot more about myself. I figured out that I am not ready for dating... anyone. I realized that even though she may have moved on and found someone else... I don't need too. I realized how immature she actually was. The girl I went out with tonight, was a lot more mature about things, and even I had to change the way I acted out of memory with my ex.
Even though I may not ever date this girl, or at least not yet, it was good to feel that I still did it. I know now I feel like I may not want to be with anyone for a while. I think that was something I really had to learn tonight.
Yes it was hard cause things did remind me of my ex, but I got over it. It is really hard to not compaire, but I did my best.

[Fixer12]

So my ex did try and contact me... well she did. On Friday she sent me a text just saying hi, and how are you. Basic stuff. Then she just said. OK I am sorry I have to go bye. I was pretty weirded out how you text someone and then 4 minutes into the conversation you have to go.
I got over that one, it wasn't a bid deal.
The hardest one for me now is she decided to IM me last night. For reason's I am not to sure. She just started with a "hi" and then the same how are you. She then said, "well i am going to go bye." so I asked her to wait, I said "why do you always say hi to me and want to talk then like 2 minutes in you end up having to go." She said, "i just wanted to say hi and i know you said if we had broken up that you would always be here for me, but you woudln't want to be my friend." I said, "well it's just hard, i said that cause i didint want you to leave me." she said, "yea well maybe we shouldn't talk." I had asked why, and then she said, "so it would make it easier on us." and then she either got off and or blocked me... I don't know why this bothers me. It is what I need I know to not talk to her anymore. But I almost get afraid that she is going to really start taking me out of her life. I know if she did block me or does delete me from stuff, it will be good.
Why does this all of a sudden bother me, even though this is what I think I want and need?
Should I write her an emial asking her or telling her, that a while from now I would like to be friends? (even though I am not sure if I ever will)

[talaniman]

Have you noticed that every time she says boo, you get confused? What part of NC are you having trouble with? Until you do it and not just say it, the same thing will keep happening. She has no answers for any question you ask. Nor would it matter if she did.

[confused25]

i dont know why this bothers me. it is what i need i know to not talk to her anymore. but i almost get afraid that she is going to really start taking me out of her life. I know if she did block me or does delete me from stuff, it will be good.
Why does this all of a sudden bother me, even though this is what i think i want and need?
Should i write her an emial asking her or telling her, that a while from now i would like to be friends? (even though i am not sure if i ever will)

I know exactly what you are going through emotionally. With your ex-girlfriend completely removing you from your life all of a sudden (by blocking you from MSN/AOL or removing you from MySpace and Facebook) you feel like she is truly slipping away and you will never have another chance. In my opinion part of the problem is that you are using No Contact with the hopes of getting her back. Now that you see that this isn't happening you are beginning to worry that you are making the wrong choices.

Because of this line of thinking now you are also contemplating contacting her, letting her know that in the future you would like to be friends. However, be honest with yourself, you're only doing it because you want to keep the door open for a relationship. I've gone through the same thing recently and it's a horrible feeling.

The only thing you can do is let go and return to strict No Contact, and use this as a way to heal and nothing else. Your ex-girlfriend is definitely beginning to remove you entirely from her life, but in return you should be doing the same thing. But don't let this bother you too much, I know it hurts, but it's something you just need to accept.

Listen my friend, the door to your ex-girlfriends life is closing and no matter how hard you try to keep it open it will eventually close shut. This doesn't mean the door will stay closed forever. Someday it may indeed re-open. If a person truly cares for you then they will come back even if you are no longer on their MSN or MySpace.

But don't sit there waiting for her to open the door again. If you pay attention, you'll notice that once that particular door closes another one will open right next to you. Why don't you take a look inside? You might like what you find.

[Fixer12]

That is a great way of seeing it!

Yea, I am pretty sure that you are right. No matter what. I know for fact that I am ready to take her out of my life... but I guess your right. I did it out of hopes of her returning. I am starting to see life differently. I guess a lot of it is I am afraid of closing that door, and when I turn around there is no other door to open yet.

I think honestly it is time for me to just let go. You know she has played with my head for so long, that honestly I should hate her... I should not want to have anything to do with her. But I guess I just have to accept and try and make my life the way I want it. Instead of revolving it all around her.

[Fixer12]

Spring break is coming for me, and am supposed to go to my home town again. This usually would be something to be excited about, but honestly I am quite nervous. My ex whom broke up with me almost a month and half ago still goes to school there.

I am really nervous about the possibility of seeing her again. Every time I had gone home in the past we ended up seeing each other and getting back together. This time is a lot different. This will be possibly my last time ever going home. I do have a few friends to hang out with, but most of them are going to be super busy during the day. So I will be alone.

Some reason even now, I still have a hard time dealing with my own alone time. I feel like that because right now she had gotten back together with her ex... again. For some reason I feel that because she is off with some guy being happy... that I should be busy being happier. If I am just sitting around watching TV or playing video games, that it makes me a looser.

I have been trying really hard to get into shape, and it is slowly working. I realized that it takes time. I had always hoped I guess in the back of my mind to make her really jealous.

For some reason throughout this break up I feel like I should be the one to come out on top. But I am still single, with no one even close to starting a relationship with. I really don't want one, but at times it would be nice. I feel like I should be happier then her. She was the one who constantly messed up. I was the one who forgave her over and over again when we got back together almost 6 times.

I don't know what my direct questions are right now... but that is how I am feeling at this point. So what do I do? How will I learn to be able to be comfortable with being alone? Being in the same town without the fear of having to look amazing just in case she see's me. How do I become the bigger man, and just let go?

[Fr_Chuck]

When we let what can happen, or what may happen, control what we want to do, we will never do anything, So you may see her, wave, say hi and go about your business,

And so you may be a loser, does not mean you can't go and do what you want, letting what can happen control what you do or want to do certainly does not make you a winner.

[talaniman]

You could use a little help with your own self image, as you seem to have it tied to being in a relationship. Love yourself, and be happy with who you are, and life falls in to place. Go home and enjoy seeing old faces and places, again.

[ihatewestseneca]

I face the same problem... my ex will be home soon too, but I don't want to see her, even if she asks (which I doubt) I don't want to see her.

Its only been a month and a half for you, and you shouldn't even worry about seeing her, if she wants to see you, then let her call and beg and whatever... I wouldn't want to see her. And don't think you should be better off than her, if she is already in a relationship with someone else instead of reflecting and learning from her mistakes then you already are the bigger man, and doing better. She may be happy now... but things will catch up to her. A rebound is hardly the right way to ease the pain of a break-up, although some rebounds work out (or so I hear).

Try not to stress about it, she's not in your life anymore, so she shouldn't still have this kind of control over you.

[Fixer12]

That is a great way of understanding it. I do need to see myself in a greater way. I honestly don't know why I play the game of who is doing better and what not.
I had lost all since of what I thought was happiness in my life, but it is coming back.
I have been completely amazed with how much progress I have made in my life just over the last few weeks. I know that I don't want to be in that kind of relationship again.
I am trying to turn myself into the best man I can be, but I feel like I have to get in shape, work out, loose weight (mostly work on my aperences) to do that. Before we were dating I was so confident in my life. Everything was going my way. I would do anything to have it like that again.

[Fixer12]

All right so many people have heard of them... The guys or girls who act like the, "professional daters." Right when someone breaks up with them they take off and jump into a new relationship with in the next few hours. Basically acting like the past relationship never exist and they seem and act "so happy!"

I can't figure out how people can do this?

I mean I know a girl who I don't think has been single for a month of her life for the past 4 years... How can she do that?

I feel like when I end any type of relationship I need to take time to learn about myself... before I can jump in with someone new.

Don't you feel it is fair for someone to at least take a break in between relationships for just fairness to the other person?

How can you be comfortable being with someone, and then the next day having someone completely different in your life? Does anyone think of this as something good/bad?

Doesn't this cause an psychological harm to the person? Or show something about themselves like needyness?

I guess I am just wondering... how come some people can do this? And others can't? Is it just because of looks?

[ihatewestseneca]

I think the right thing to do is to take time to reflect and learn from the relationship... though people jump from person to person because they are insecure/feel incomplete. Its sad that people think that they are nobody if they don't have a significant other.

They also jump into a new one because they miss the feeling of someone wanting/needing them. And yes, this does show a lot of neediness... although they don't realize it.

I heard somewhere on this site that in order to have a truly successful relationship you must be happy and content alone. And from there you can continue to be that person in a relationship while compromising and whatnot... or something...

[Fixer12]

That is a very good point!

I can even say that I completely agree with it. It does show neediness in a person. I think you really need to know who you are in general.

Could it be that people get so caught up with all this, that they don't even know who they are anymore with out someone? I Just think it sucks for the people who truly do deserve someone in their lives, and can't.

[JBeaucaire]

The fact that you and ihatewestseneca agree doesn't address your main question: "how can some people do this?"

People do what makes things easiest for themselves. Period. That's it. For you, that means a time of introspection after a breakup. I applaud that and would probably do that, too.

For her, though, she feels no need or sees no purpose in that and gets right back out there, perhaps within hours. It is completely unfair for you to think ill of her simply because she "deals" differently than you. Questioning her phsychological mien because it is so different from yours is the definition of unfair. It's different because it is. It just is.

And for what it's worth, you better figure out NOW that women... heck just people in general... are all wired differently. As you search for a life-mate, falling in love will be the EASY part. One of the hard parts will be finding someone whom you can put up with in terms of how their wiring is different from yours. It is SOOOO tempting in close relationships to try and rewire your mate or punish them for their uniqueness.

It's a mature man who suppresses that and ENJOYS the difference in wiring.

[talaniman]

Some people can adjust ,and move on a lot faster than others, so its not a big deal to them. That doesn't make them wrong, just different. Some of us need time, to make that adjustment before we can move on to other things, which is just as fine. Know what you need, and how to get it, and don't take the actions of others so personally, that it affects yourself esteem, or attacks your feeling of self security. Focus more on you, and less on them, and their actions, as there are many people in this world, who will just freak you out by the way they live, or act.

[Fixer12]

Those both are really good points! I guess I never really bothered to look at it that way. As people being wired differently.

Most of the time people would just tell me things like. "well it is because they are insecure... or blah blah" things kind of like that. I guess I never really put it all together for it being the purpose of just being different.

I guess just focusing on the bad, made me always feel like I was a step higher then them by doing the right thing. But Talaniman is right for sure... I guess just the fact that it is different doesn't mean that they are bad people. Thanks

[Fixer12]

So my ex and I have been on and off for like 2 years. I am in a much better place now, and happy without her. She had seen me when I went home during Spring Break and was amazed on how much better I looked, and how much better in shape I was. (yes, I had changed my style and started a much healthier life style).

She had started a new relationship with a guy while I was at home. Spring break was the last time I was going to ever go to that town again, for I am transferring schools, and my parents just moved.

Well all of a sudden during the last two days she has been texting me a bunch saying how much she misses me and how much she wants to be with me. I told her I didn't want to do the long distance anymore, because it would be worse, and I just want to be happy. She was declairing her love to me, and how much better I am now. Is this just because she saw me again? Saw how much I had changed for the better?

So whenever her new boyfriend comes along she can't text anymore and I say goodbye, but usually later in the day, or the next morning she texts me with the same things. I finally told her I didn't want to get back toegther cause I want to be with someone I can be around and trust all the time.

She said she was hurt, but still loved me, and wanted to still continue to talk and remain good friends. Is this something I should do? I don't like hurting people or blowing people off cause they do it to me all the time.

[COOKIE MONSTER]

Hun your happy the way you are without her,you have moved on from that part of your life and she has moved on also and how would her boyfriend feel about you texing her?
If I was you I wouldn't tex back

And yes I think its just because she seen how much you've changed

Don't tex back your just giving her false hope even when you've told her you don't want her back she will get hope from the texis [START NO CONTACT AGAIN]