[wmac]

Where to begin... I've been w/ my husband for over 3 years. Had our up's and down's, primarily over his sneaky ways, drinking, and his job. First let me say that yes, I was in a previous marriage where the ex lied, drank, cheated, abused me both physically and verbally, and so I have "issues" with trust... but I'm trying. Ok, let me start by unloading the issues I have with him/the relationship. His job has him traveling 5 days out of the week. My first issues with this is, of course, he's never home. Secondly, I'll say he was making good money as a general manager here locally. It was then decided he would travel to many different states to start up new stores; same pay. This went on for about 6 months. His company assured him after the first of the year he'd be happy w/ his raise. OK... so now, he's gone Mon-Fri and I have a tired, worn out weekend husband and all for an extra $5000 a year. In my opinion, this piddly raise is a slap in the face. He's getting a salary based on 40hrs a week, puts in 12-14 hour days at the shops alone and this doesn't include any travel time (flying). Obviously they want his brains and expertise but the time away from his family means nothing. I feel he's being taken advantage of, and I understand he doesn't want to jeopardize his job, but it's taking it's toll. NEXT, along w/ traveling comes the late nights out-in the bars, restaurant, lounges, etc. whatever. He's a drinker. It's nothing for him to slam back 12 a night. So this poses a problem too. He calls me and all I can hear is the loud noise in the back, sometimes the speech is "not sober" and so I get upset. There are times when he doesn't call until late at night, (after 11:00) and he wonders why I'm upset or not in a talkative mood... hello, I'm in bed and yes, ticked off that he couldn't have taken 5 or 10 minutes at a decent time to call me. He recently let it slip that he had went out with "the guys" (co-workers) and did shots, which he never does. He also hangs with "one of the guys" who I thought was truly a guy but ends up being a lesbian; now, to each there own however, I have a problem with a man or woman who encouraging my husband to look at the "hooters on that babe" or "wouldn't you like to hook up with that"... disrespectful, and wrong in my opinon. My husband is a married man, and it's bad enough I feel he could be putting himself in compromising situations as it is, let alone having someone encourage the behavior. Additionally, the lesbian co-worker is constantly texting and emailing my husband... and it's inappropriate stuff; jokes, porn pics, etc. I'm sorry, on a Saturday night when I'm w/ my hubby and she's texting him on "my time" I have a problem with that. I also have a problem with a co-worker, male or female sending inappropriate subject matter, stuff that my husband could be fired for if it was uncovered by corporate. To make matters worse my husband tries to hide these things by deleting them before he arrives home... and YES he has given me his email password, and YES, I "snoop" so to say. One of the reasons I feel compelled to do so is because he had some female friends who I had never met who would call him, or email him about there marital problems and would want my husband to "meet them at the bar"... little did I know, he was leaving work a bit early back when he was closer to home, or he'd say he was working late all the while he's at the bar listening to the problems of others. I busted him one night and told him he wasn't quick enough to delete the email and that I knew where he was and who he was with and that he had best grab his stuff and head on home... not a pretty picture. During the following week I had read the emails he and this woman/girl whatever were sending back and forth and it was all "yeah, my wife is so insecure" and she would say "you need to leave her, we should hook up, we're perfect for eachother bla bla bla"... so again, I have some TRUST issues because of the little white lies and the sneaking around to "avoid" upsetting me. If they were just friends so be it... he's had ample opportunity to introduce us... and I know this person and by no means is this a jealousy situation, it's the principle behind all of it. He's also had female co-workers try to dump there personal relationship issues on him and the next thing you know, they're on the phone for hours and so on and so forth... it pisses me off. So anyway, especially now that he's never home, I have this God awful feeling of being betrayed, lied to, deceived what not. I catch him "tiny" lies almost on a daily basis... he doesn't realize how often I read his emails... so my philosophy is if you can lie about stupid little meaningless things, you could certainly lie about the big things! So, am I crazy for being in his email non-stop waiting to catch him? Should I call out every little lie I catch him in? Am I sick? Am I paranoid, or do I have just cause for feeling the way I do? I just don't want to deal w/ another husband who thinks they have the wool pulled over my eyes and can get away with anything... I don't know what to do. I want to trust him, but I've seen and heard too much and my mind perhaps gets the best of me. He's a charmer, a ladies man... hes' sweet, funny, and quite the talker... I'm always afraid he'll be in a situation and one thing will lead to another... help?

[talaniman]

I think your own issues, keep you from seeing that everyone loves, and trusts your husband, and he is quite the social, people person. Nowhere do you mention he is cheating, but keeps things from you, as to not upset you, anymore than you are. For all your snooping, all you have is dirty jokes, and other peoples problems? I think your blowing this up, and making a lot out of nothing, to justify your own actions. Don't make things so much worse, because you want him around more, as his job, is his job, and maybe get some help for yourself, during those times he is away. I think you could balance your life better, and you would have things going to feel good about yourself, and less tight on his trail, looking for dirt to throw at him. You can discuss his tipsy calls however, as I can understand that. Love yourself enough to take care of your issues, and not just pass them on. That would be a good start. Good luck.

[Silencedbear]

Well to be completely honest.. If you are having this much of a trust issue maybe you should look at yourself.. What do you do for work if you don't work and he supports you than you better watch your role or he just may take up one of those offers in the bar scene just out of spite towards you. Do you go out and drink ? Iif his co worker is a lesbian than what's the harm especially in text messages that are humor or funny jokes. If your checking his phone and that being a secret agent to find out what he's texting maybe you need to buy a few cats and live on your own. Him drinking does he do it daily ? Or is it a Friday night thing after a hard days work. I think you may have some insecurity issues or lack of self pride maybe both from your past relationship's / marriage. Maybe you should not be a Jerk to him when he calls late be happy that he calls at all. If he's working 12 - 14 hr day's I would want to go out and have a drink after work as well and not have to deal with my wife nagging at me for going to the bar. Than to have you complaining that he's calling late well maybe that's half the battle admitting your faults that you have to yourself than maybe you would understand him a lot better. If your having my time maybe you should buy a dog so it will be with you no matter what. Your husband isn't a possession have you thought of that... If my girlfriend / wife acted like you I would have taken the 5k pay raise in a heart beat to maybe just get away from you but hey that's just my opinion on the matter.

[Fr_Chuck]

Anytime the phase, I have been drinking is used, anything can happen,
If he is putting 12 back in an evening he has a drinking problem and issues, And this needs help.

As for the job, get used to it, that is how managers do, if he was not working 60 to 80 hours, he would not be a manager much longer, And no mangers pay is not based on a number of hours, it is based on what managers in that type of work make.
And sorry but 5000 a year is a large raise, many places have not given any raises for a few years and those that do 1 to 3 percent has been about top raises in most places for many.

[wmac]

[F]Well to be completly honest.. If you are having this much of a trust issue maybe you should look at yourself.. What do you do for work if you don't work and he supports you than you better watch your role or he just may take up one of those offers in the bar scene just out of spite towards you. Yes, I am a professional and work full time.Do you go out and drink ? I do not go out and drink, we have 4 children at home, there is no time to do that.Iif his co worker is a lesbian than whats the harm especially in text messages that are humor or funny jokes. The problem with this is, it's not ethical or professional and in this day in age, sexual harassment is huge. You only have to tick someone off once and things could backfire.If your checking his phone and that being a secret agent to find out what hes texting maybe you need to buy a few cats and live on your own. Him drinking does he do it daily ? Yes, daily, not just weekends. Or is it a friday night thing after a hard days work. I think you may have some insecurity issues or lack of self pride maybe both from your past relationship's / marriage. Maybe you should not be a Jerk to him when he calls late be happy that he calls at all. True, however; again, I work full time, have 4 kids etc. I just wish he would respect that...and not wait until he's had 12 beers and then decide to call ya know?If hes working 12 - 14 hr day's I would want to go out and have a drink after work as well and not have to deal with my wife nagging at me for going to the bar. Understood by all means....but all night? And a couple is 3-4..not 12 and intoxicated.Than to have you complaining that he's calling late well maybe thats half the battle admitting your faults that you have to yourself than maybe you would understand him alot better. If your having my time maybe you should buy a dog so it will be with you no matter what. That wasn' t nice lol. I have concerns; his excessive drinking, and driving a company car while doing so, and his health. He's also a heavy smoker.Your husband isn't a possesion have you thought of that... If my gf / wife acted like you i would have taken the 5k pay raise in a heart beat to maybe just get away from you but hey thats just my opinion on the matter.

I understand that too and have thought about it. I'm not trying to nag. I just know that if I were to behave like this, he'd be the one posting in search of an answer lol. Thanks for your in put. I'm seriously not looking for justification here, I guess I just want to clarify things so one get's a truer picture :p

[susangpyp]

Have you thought about counseling for yourself? It sounds like you would be better able to decide what to do and what belongs to you (trust issues) and what belongs to him (possible inappropriate behavior).

[AKaeTrue]

I have a bit of a different outlook here.
I don't have past "issues" and it is my honest opinion that I would be upset too if this was happening to me.
I feel the co workers and your husband are both being disrespectful.

Co workers should not be emailing your husband with messages that say he should dump you and hook up with them instead,
Nor should another woman be sending him pictures of porn, or calling him on the weekends when he is suppose to be spending time with his family.

Your husband should respect that you have been hurt in the past and should try to make an effort to respect your feelings by not engaging in such things.

If you are not comfortable with him leaving work early to go to a bar with a female co worker,
Then he should respect you and come home instead of going out
Then lying to you about it "so that you don't get upset because of your past"... noway!
That's so that you don't find out and get upset about the present.

Yes, you may have trust issues from your past,
But I believe you are being given good reasons to be having trust issues now.
Do not confuse the past with the present.

Like I said, I don't have past issues and I'd have a big problem if I were in your shoes.
Marriage counseling is a good idea. I'm sure the counselor would say what your husband and co workers are doing is disrespectful.
There is such a thing as respectable boundaries between co workers, and I feel they are being crossed.

I know my opinion differs from the other you have been given,
But I don't see this as being your fault.

[Silencedbear]

I guess that maybe you need to sit your husband down like you did here and address the issue s and maybe make a compromise. I did try to see how you would answer my response and I am actually surprised. You seem like a well thought individual. I was thinking maybe you were being obsessive or something. But tell him that the messeges on the phone have to stop OR tell him to turn the phone of during the weekend if it's that important they can call you. Driving the company car drunk isn't to smart may cost him his job and or life. I hope the best for you :)

[susangpyp]

I have a bit of a different outlook here.
I don't have past "issues" and it is my honest opinion that I would be upset too if this was happening to me.
I feel the co workers and your husband are both being disrespectful.

Co workers should not be emailing your husband with messages that say he should dump you and hook up with them instead,
nor should another woman be sending him pictures of porn, or calling him on the weekends when he is suppose to be spending time with his family.

Your husband should respect that you have been hurt in the past and should try to make an effort to respect your feelings by not engaging in such things.

If you are not comfortable with him leaving work early to go to a bar with a female co worker,
then he should respect you and come home instead of going out
then lying to you about it "so that you don't get upset because of your past"...noway!
Thats so that you don't find out and get upset about the present.

Yes, you may have trust issues from your past,
but I believe you are being given good reasons to be having trust issues now.
Do not confuse the past with the present.

Like I said, I don't have past issues and I'd have a big problem if I were in your shoes.
Marriage counseling is a good idea. I'm sure the counselor would say what your husband and co workers are doing is disrespectful.
There is such a thing as respectable boundaries between co workers, and I feel they are being crossed.

I know my opinion differs from the other you have been given,
but I don't see this as being your fault.

When you're that sensitive and have trust issues it is really very hard to separate the past from the present and to not blame yourself. I AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY that marriage counseling is a good idea but if he won't go, she should seek some for herself.

I don't think it's her fault either but when you are insecure and sensitive, it is very very hard to separate who owns what. I was in a relationship with someone who was lying, cheating, acting inappropriately but I couldn't see the forest for the trees because I knew I had the tendency to blow things up and make mountains out of molehills.

A relationship truism is that water seeks its own level, meaning that two people have mirroring or compatible issues. Usually when a person has abandonment or insecurity issues they pick someone who is not going to make them feel secure. They try to "win over" the other and think their issues will go away. They won't.

Insecure and sensitive people make bad choices because they are so fueled by their issues. When you look at yourself and what is going on, it's easier to evaluate what your spouse is doing and how much you do or do not own.

I think this woman is a wreck because she's not clear on what is acceptable and unacceptable because her own trust issues are coloring her perceptions.

I agree that marriage counseling is probably the way to go. They need to address who owns what and who is doing what to whom and why it's inappropriate.

[talaniman]

I can see your heartfelt concerns in your writing, and you make excellent points. I think the way you approach him, with your concerns is as important as what you want to say to him. Don't expect a wholesale change though, but compromise is very possible. I don't think this is the first time you have expressed concern with his actions though, as some of his tactics are clearly meant to keep you in the dark. The reactions of a man who is not going to do as he is told, and maybe rightfully so. For the record I've yet to see a marriage where one side was absolutely right, and the other side was absolutely wrong, so meet in the middle, somewhere.