[jpm247]

I will do my best not too blink. Unless she is standing on my doorstep trying to talk to me I won't respond.

[kandyfruitcake]

I call it the 'Mata Hari complex' after reading the statement 'and with whom' that she's said. She doesn't necessarily want you, but doesn't necessarily want anyone else having you, either. It's denting her pride that you're not running after her, you're supposed to be broken hearted and begging, and you're obviously not, to her. Keep up the NC, there's going to be someone better and more caring out there for you, bet on it!

[jpm247]

I call it the 'Mata Hari complex' after reading the statement 'and with whom' that she's said. She doesn't necessarily want you, but doesn't necessarily want anyone else having you, either. It's denting her pride that you're not running after her, you're supposed to be broken hearted and begging, and you're obviously not, to her. Keep up the NC, there's going to be someone better and more caring out there for you, bet on it!

You are more than likely right. As much I do want to meet up with her, it won't get me anywhere, as we'd probably have a great time but in the back of my mind I'd want to know what her intentions are. I'd probably ask her, she'd probably say I don't know, or just being friendly. I'd come home bang my head against a brick wall and come on here and post that I'd been a complete tool for giving in.

NC is also very hard for me to do, but I know that it is the best course of action. She wanted to be alone and to think nothing when she came home from work, etc and I was a confusion in her life. If she really wants me, which there isn't any hint yet, then she has to make more effort.

In the mean time, I went speed dating last night, and it was really good fun!

Thanks for the posts guys.

J

[talaniman]

There is no shame whatsoever in giving your heart and soul, to another human. NONE!! But when they give it back, take it, say thanks for the memories, and move on.

[jpm247]

There is no shame whatsoever in giving your heart and soul, to another human. NONE!!!! But when they give it back, take it, say thanks for the memories, and move on.

So far at work this morning all I can do is think about her. There is this big part of me that wants to see her, but I know it won't do me any good.

This doesn't seem to be getting any easier, I guess its because contact from her in this 'friend/what you up too/curious manner/ stirs up some confusion in me.

I was quite clear on the ' relationship or nothing' line when we parted, as it wasn't going to be fair on me to try and be her friend when my feelings are so strong.

AAAKKK!

[talaniman]

You have to expect that she will haunt your thought, and you know that getting busy, is what to do when she does.

[vivia12]

jpm247,
How do you do it! Its very wise,you seem to benefit from NC,me still hurting,its bbeen two weeks though,wonder when does it get better

[jpm247]

I guess I just know that there's nothing I can do that will make her change her mind, that has to happen by herself. Maybe by ignoring her I am ruining something happening in the future, but its best for me to have NC, even though I'd love too. I don't want to hear her saying I miss my friend, and not my boyfriend, which is probably what will happen if we meet up.

She only lives 5 minutes walk away as well, but I haven't seen her for just over 6 weeks now, but its all fresh in my mind.

I also don't want to appear harsh by not replying to anything she sends me, but then I think she split up with me and she needs to live with that.

It's a tough call all round.

Should I definitely not send her that email I composed?

I'm getting tired of thinking about her, I'm sure it will get better soon though.

Keep your chin up Vivia12!

[vivia12]

Hey,

I completely understand what you're now going through,even though your situation is still fresh,mine (if you read my post when you get a chance) is what happens when you remain friends with your ex, me I call him ex -friend!
When he called a couple of times I didn't reply,why because it would send me back to square one,and I didn't need anymore of his heartless rejecting,look we're friends that's all we can be,get over it,emails.
Some people can be just as harsh,especially when they are the ones who o give you false hopes.
If you have to break NC,just send a light text or email,I mean light, by one sentence, hey,I'm doing fine, thanks for asking'
Leave it at that,you ever get those short replies? Well that's how it will be, just leave it at that,because when your mind-heart wants to break NC,you
Ll do it, but be careful,don't give her an invitation for friendship when that's not what you want.
Hope it helps

[talaniman]

Should I definitely not send her that email I composed?

If you want to heal, do it right and send her nothing, and no replies either. Disappear from her life, and live your own. Its so unhealthy to worry how someone else feels, and ignoring yourself.

[vivia12]

Hey jpm, and Tal,just when I thought I wouldn't hear from him he just called after 2 weeks, but I didn't respond,I just stared at my phone while it rang.
I 'm not trying to be cruel but if I answered it I'l be in square one (part of me is glad he did call) this is so weird but Tal is so right, disappear from their lives. But question Tal,
Does disappearing lessen the chance of them reconsidering or coming back? Just curious

[talaniman]

but question Tal,
Does disappearing lessen the chance of them reconsidering or coming back? Just curious

I have no idea what it does for them, and honestly, that has never been my focus, or concern. The only thing I can say is people make better decisions about there lives, when they are healthy, and seeing things as they really are. No illusions or false sense of security, or intense feeling we can misinterpret. No being used because of those feelings or manipulated because wecare more for them and how they feel than we do for ourselves. No contact sends a powerful message though, DO NOT BOTHER ME WITH YOUR BS, I DON'T HAVE TIME!! We often lose our self respect and dignity, catering to the feelings, and whims of others, who may be selfish, or whatever. NC, is about you, and only you, because you can't have a real healthy love, for anyone or anything, until you love yourself first. Its about standing up for YOURSELF, and not falling for their BS! Hell if they are not willing to give some to get some what's the point of being with them. Ain't that much love in the world, that calls for me to give all I have, and can't expect the same thing back. Is that fair, or what??

[talaniman]

After we are healthy, we are free to do whatever we want. We can take calls, and emails, and have coffee, and talk to anyone we darn well please. It starts with being healthy, and happy enough, to love yourself first. Please read "Flower power" by BMI, on this forum.

[vivia12]

Definitely fair Tal,

If they want to treat you as if you're not even an option or anything gof significance then why give them importance. I get it, NC is saying "Enough is Enough'
But I'm worried about JPM,he may be sending that email to his ex as we speak! Oh well

[talaniman]

Many listen to advice, and do as they wish, that's cool. We are responsible for our actions, and the consequences of them. I give advice, but you are free to do as you wish. Everyone is.

[vivia12]

Very true,I'm following the NC advce and not responding, just don't want someone or anyone to make the same mistake that I did.

[vivia12]

If you want to heal, do it right and send her nothing, and no replies either. Disappear from her life, and live your own. Its so unhealthy to worry how someone else feels, and ignoring yourself.

So Tal,You believe in total NC and disappearing from the persons life,no exceptions?
Maybe my thought is that would counter the person ever reconsidering since a NC-er is not responding to any attempts of contact, understandably, that would be essential,at least to be healthy and not live on false hopes. Just wondring,is disappearing way too harsh,or is it the only remedy,some people do very LC, light contact. Just want your opinion

[jpm247]

I have heeded the advice, and have not and will not send the email.

Your question you've just asked Vivia is exactly how I am feeling too, and it is exactly the kind of mindset that Tal is trying to rid us of. As we are wondering how our actions are being interpreted by the ex, instead of just concentrating on ourselves and not worrying about what they are thinking.

I desperately want to contact her etc, but that will only put me in the friends category which will mean I'll be beating myself up inside when I see her, and also she gets what she wants. What about me?

So your thinking that not responding is probably a bit harsh, and you kind of want to keep the communication lines open, as this may mean they come back. But I genuinely think that whilst every situation is different the main theme is always the same. I would say give them the gift of missing you, and develop the NWTBFOTP. Which is no where to be found on the planet. Let them miss you, as they will, but what's the point at this stage in the healing to give them what they want. We should concentrate on ourselves as best we can, and if they really want to come back, then they will make it clear. I.e banging on your front door saying I made a dreadful mistake. Until then, they have given up the right to know what I've been doing etc, by giving up the relationship. Mine is particularly hard to stomach as me and my ex had an amazing year, and get on so well, and I miss her everyday at the moment, but if someone hasn't had much dating experience/ been with enough people they probably don't realise a good thing when it comes along.

So disappear from their lives, they gave you up, not the other way around. No contact from you will keep the confusion down, be polite as Tal says if you see them, but don't let them back into your life, unless its what you want, and on your terms.

I went out last night, and cried on the way home, as I miss her so much. I'm not afraid to admit it, and if she felt the same way she'd let me know instead of hiding behind an email saying 'id love to know what you've been up too'.

If its meant to be its meant to be, and if they want you they will let you know.

Until then, stick with the NC, and try as hard as you can to not think how your actions are being interpreted by the ex.

Oh, and I like the signature, keep heading west :)

Keep digging deep, I've hit magma at the moment! Lol

[vivia12]

Hey J!
Glad you liked that signature, you very much inspired it,it's the best Quote,I've ever heard.
Thank you for your insight also, it helps me very much, while in my case I won't be running into him, he's in another country,or planet so to speak,planet him!
Its okay you willl feel sad,hurt cry,like that ole saying goes don't ever let them see you sweat. Give them the gift of missing you is right on target
My therapist,(yes I'm from NY,its so vogue to have one there,even the therapists have therapists)
Says I should e-mail him not to contact me for a while, I was contemplating doing maybe if he tries again but I don't want to break NC even sending that e-mail,we'll see. Would you be willing to do that yourself if she contacts you?
If they want you back they will make it clear not just calling-not leaving message or txting-or e-mail what's up J. in your case. Tw, what's NWTBFOTP? If its cussing maybe you should Pm it,don't want them kicking us out of this site for inapropriate language!

Lets head West on that Highway,passing St. Louis!

[jpm247]

NWTBFOTP = no where to be found on the planet!