[homesick]

I deserve to go the hell for suicides.

I remembered something that I must have blocked from my memory.

It shows the degree of my sickness I have never been more ashamed of anything in my life

I continued to take her for granted while she was the only light in my life.

When I was living with my mother and my ex and I were still communcating semi regularly, I was using craiglist to look for a car and a room to rent, and occasionally I would browse the personals, I'd also look at the erotic services section and look at ads for 'escorts'

At some point I told my ex that I was frustrated because of the essential issues like a job and car, and my inability to secure either quickly. And I also mentioned to her my attempts to meet women through Craiglslist as well, and in my insecurities I told her that I was ashamed and worried that I was considering seeing a prostitute. I don't know what came over me, or how I could tell her that, I don't have any doubts any longer that there is something seriously wrong with me, I know that I did not actually a physical thing that was wrong, but my thoughts and my selfishness disgust me, she was actually reaching out to me again, she was impressed with my final effort to become a man and instead of comforting her I took and took and took, I used her for my emotional support and I did nothing but disrespect her by making her feel like less than a woman, less than human, I showed her the most disgusting and weak part of my being my words told her that she was not enough for me and a wretch like me couldn't be satisfied with her and I deserve to suffer for that.

That is no excuse for her, she doesn't need an excuse. I hate myself, I wish that man was dead

I am still selfish, I won't kill myself and send me to the hell I deserve to be in.

I want to kill that part of myself with therapy, and I know that I don't deserve her, but I still believe that if I can be I should be responsible for her happiness, and while I doubt I can do a better job of that than anybody else in the entire world, I still want to try.

I'm sick to my stomach from what I did, and I hate myself for even trying to still get back to her because I am lower than dirt and she doesn't deserve to be around somebody that reminds her of the horrible way I was.

I am going to beat myself because my shame is not enough, I'll see a counselor this week and my therapy begins next Friday but until then I have to suffer at my own hands, and emotional recoarse is not enough, I need to redeem through pain I hurt her more than I even knew. And she gave me better than I desreved in return she was too kind to me

[talaniman]

I'll see a counselor this week

Now your talking sense!

[homesick]

I feel a bit more stable now. I didn't expect to find something so selfish in me and I hid it from myself very well until now.

I'm not afraid to talk to her anymore, I know that I deserve whatever happens when that time comes, but it's not time for me to talk to her yet. I'm going to start seeing the psychiatrist, and I'll continue talking to my college counselor, and maybe after I've been on medication for a while and I've proven to myself that I can stay in control and that I don't feel so overwhelmed by my addiction or just life in general, then I will know when it's time to talk to her. Until then it's my burden to carry. I won't use her to make my life or my choices easier any more, I need to let her live her life like I said I would. And when I feel ready I will try again, and let her decide if the new me is good enough, if not then I'll truly be free, and I will forgive myself for all the pain I put her through. Right now I don't deserve her forgiveness, but given enough time I have hope still that I can be what we both believed I could become.

[HistorianChick]

Good. Glad to hear that.

You can do everything that you said you will do in that post.

I believe in you! :)

[homesick]

I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see a doctor or just to talk to somebody.

I have such violent mood swings, my last post was just a few hours ago, and now I'm terrified to call her but I want to talk to her more than anything.

Talking to a psychiatrist is important in the long run and I know that it's necessary for me to learn to cope with my problems but for the time being I'm just using counselors and head doctors and everybody else as a substitute for talking to her everyday. When I want to call her I should be drawing strength from myself and hanging tight, instead I panic and call somebody to keep me occupied until it's too late to call her.

I just don't have that strength yet, I can keep myself from calling, (I have no idea how) but I still sit around obsessing about whether I should call her. No matter what I do to keep busy that thought keeps distracting me. My subconscious comes up with fiendishly clever reasons to call her. Sometimes all I can tell myself is, 'Wait until you can ask somebody else if they think I should call.' or

'Whats the difference if you call her today or tomorrow?'

That one gets me because I feel like everyday counts and every hour that passes just separates us more and more.




Here's a new question; What have I got to lose from calling her? She already knows I'm weak, I don't think that three weeks of no contact has made her think twice about that, but once again there I go trying to second guess her. I got to stop that.

My father and my college counselor both suggested the possibility that I should call her, neither of them actually said that I should they just mentioned that it might not be a bad thing to do, mainly because I want to send the message that I still care about her, and so far no contact has not been doing me any good, I've mostly been doing it for the wrong reason. I started it and continue it to show her I can carry on without her, and I don't want to waste all that effort, but I don't know if that is what she thinks at all. I think it's more likely that she thinks I'm not calling her for exactly the reason I told her I wasn't; because it hurts me too much, which sounds a lot like, 'Because I'm selfish, and if I can't have you the way I want you I won't talk to you anymore.'

I'll never know what she thinks unless she tells me.

Mostly now I keep putting off calling her because I want to have a piece of concrete evidence that I am getting better. I don't want to just tell her that I'm trying to get better, I want to tell her something like "my doctor told me that he thinks I'm doing much better now." or "I had a really great time last weekend" and I want to mean it when I say it. I won't ever lie to her, I just want to have something to show that proves to me and to her that I am following through with all the promises I made.

[homesick]

Proving that she can love me again is the only thing that matters to me.

I'm starting from nothing, even worse than I thought I was before I met her, and I'm going to work until I am the man that she gave her heart to before.

I won't stop until she falls in love with me again, I'll be as strong as she thought I was, and I will protect her and love her and do everything I can to keep her happy, I'll do it better than anybody else can because it's my reason for living. If she won't love me anymore I'll spend my days waiting until the suffering is too much, then I'll find out if I have what it takes to live without her.

The future isn't written all I can do anything about is the present, I won't let my love die because of who I was in the past. She deserves to see what she waited so long for.

[tnt76]

I'm sorry Homesick, but if I were your ex and I read all these posts, the only thing I would be thinking about is "Restraining Order" . Everyone here I think has been trying to help you and you still seem hellbent on your "plan" to get her back. I hope you have already made an appt to see someone, because you really need to talk to a live person who can see what's really going on.

[homesick]

I'm sorry Homesick, but if I were your ex and I read all these posts, the only thing I would be thinking about is "Restraining Order"

That's because you are not her.



I'm seeing two college counselors regularly and I start seeing a psychiatrist next Friday. And potentially another psychiatrist from the VA the following Friday. So, soon I'll have an entire team of people helping me sweep out the skeletons and cobwebs in my head.

My plan is not sick, I'm just scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to make up for my past with her.

She left the opportunity for me, she never told me to stop calling, she hasn't tried to get rid of my things, she is confused and I don't want to show her how I feel yet because I don't want to scare her away again, someday I'll be able to explain to her that I understand all the things I did wrong and how I took her for granted. When I'm healthy enough to be happy without her, I can show her that I am not just obsessed with her but I'm dedicated to her, and to making up for my failings in the past.

I am working to prove that I don't need her, that's why I am keeping myself distant now, because I do still need her, when I don't anymore then I can give it my best shot.

In the mean time I vent here because If I don't let all this stuff out of my head I just might break down and call her, and have to start all over again.

And the biggest reason of all that I'm afraid is because she is with another man. I believe that she still loves me, no matter what anybody thinks, it doesn't matter that she has somebody else now, she stopped loving who I was on the outside because of my addiction and my weakness, but she never stopped loving the man on the inside, she just stopped believing in him, once I prove that the old is gone and the new is here to stay I know that she will give me another chance. It's going to take time and patience and a lot of work, and someday it will all pay off. I'm afraid for myself but I know that I will be OK, and I don't know if I'm more afraid that she will never be repaid for waiting so long for me to heal myself. It wouldn't be fair if she didn't get to share that with me, and I'm upset that she doesn't want to share the journey with me, but I won't blame her for it because of the way I was, I wasn't worthy of her companionship.


I can see things clearly, I know that emotions can change and that if I wasn't depressed it would possible for me to be happy without her. I mean part of the reason she left me is because I was depressed, it was impossible for her to make me happy. She put up with it for a long time, but I never did anything about it. Who would argue with me when I say that she will almost definitely give me a another chance when I make myself well, since she stayed with me for so long when I was sick? She doesn't let go of people she needs something else to hold onto to ease the transission, I know in my heart that when I am happy with myself that I have a good chance of getting back together with her.

[homesick]

I was in a race yesterday, and I had a lot of fun. It was very tiring and a lot of alcoholic beverages were consumed. At the after race party I got to know some of the people I'd met recently a little better, and purely by chance a woman started talking with me, she seemed to like me a lot. There weren't fireworks or anything but she asked me if I had a girlfriend that would be mad at her for talking to me for so long.

An almost cynical smile sneaked across my lips and I had to think about it for just a moment, far too short a moment to be noticed.

I told her no.

I thought to myself; "I don't have a girlfriend, and even if my ex still was with me, she wouldn't be mad, she would be proud of me."
But that doesn't matter at all does it? Because she has left me behind, and she hasn't even contacted me about anything yet.


I didn't think about it much at the time. But after I got home and thought about all that had happened yesterday, I started feel some uncertainty. I haven't done anything wrong, I don't feel guilty, but I am still terrified of change. I've only had one conversation with this woman, it could amount to absolutely nothing, but my future is thrown into question because I met somebody. I wanted to. I didn't want it very much but I did. I didn't want much more than that when it comes to relationships right now. I don't need to prove to myself that I'm a good man, or that I'm attractive and fun to be with, but there is something frightening about somebody else realizing that while a woman that I love (or loved?) has forgotten it. There's really no doubt that I still love her, and I always will but maybe I'm a little less frightened that I may not always dream of getting back together with her. However the new issue is "What do I want now?" If events unfold a certain way it might be much more complicated than it was before.


I need to stop thinking so much about the future.

I will stand by my choices, I'm going to get certified to teach english and I'm going to stay in school (I don't think anything could change that) and I'm going to adapt to the ever changes world and circumstances of life, I'm going to get to know this new woman a little better a little bit at a time, and see what happens. And each day I will take account of what I feel and get to know myself better.

I'll stay the coarse and keep sight of my goals, and constantly ask myself what I want and why, and if it changes I'll adjust heading accordingly.

[homesick]

I don't feel right about dating anymore, it feels like I'm still playing games.

I don't want to date this girl just because I want to prove to myself that I can, it's not important to me. She may be nice but it's not time for me to start something. I haven't finished yet with my ex. I don't even want to call her my ex.

My brother also encouraged me to call my ex.
I don't want to put stress on her because apparently her new internship is pretty intense. That's an excuse though. I have lots of excuses.
The best one is this, I don't want to call her because I won't play games anymore, I will tell her the truth, and that means I have to tell her that I was spying on her, and I've been trying to figure out how to trick her into calling me.

NC so far has been a game, and I lost because I wasn't doing it for myself I was waiting for her to call.

How ironic that I have so many reasons not to call her now.

I still love her, and I don't want to trick her anymore, but I still don't know what to do.
I feel like I am choosing how the rest of my life is going to be, I love her but I don't know anymore if I love her enough, and I don't know the reasons that I do things anymore, I don't know what is for me and what is for her.

I know if I call her and she makes it clear that she won't give me another chance, I know that I'm not going to take it well. I don't think I will come up again for a long time. And now I am clinging to some strange girl I just met, and I don't know a single thing about and wondering if I'll regret not taking a chance with her. That's just ridiculous, I'm talking about not giving every single piece of my soul to get the love of my life back because of a twenty minute conversation that ended with exchanged phone numbers.

Of course I can think about this. If I wait until next week to call back my ex is it going to make any difference? Seriously, it might and it might not. How can I gamble with this?

[homesick]

OK, the answer to the next question I'm about to ask is "don't worry about it, worry about myself"

I can't stop thinking about all my stuff in Hungary, I have been trying to figure out how to tell her that I can't afford to send it all here (when I actually don't intend to, because I want to move back to Hungary) so I want her to pack it all up and store it at her parents.

Let's be honest, its pretty uncool that she told me she had another boyfriend and then a week later she sends me a message about her playing with my toys...

And she still has my books and things there, what the heck?

She should not be allowed to have this leverage, I don't want her to get comfort from my things and I don't want her to have the reasurance that she has something of mine, things that I will want someday. A veritable guarantee that I will contact her. I don't want her using my things to make herself feel better when I'm not around and I don't want her using my things to entertain her new boyfriend or just regular friends when she has removed me from her life, I want her to realize that there are consequences for leaving me. If she doesn't love me I'm not going to be her friend, therefore I won't 'lend' her my things.

All the same she is not throwing them out into the street so maybe I owe her for that, and maybe I can say forget about it because she is doing me a favor.

WHAT? She's doing me a favor? She broke up with me and is holding my stuff hostage!

She should pay to send it to me, I don't have $5000 to throw away like that, if I did, I'd just buy new things, but that is not the point.

If she won't communicate with me what right does she have to use all my things as if I were still her boyfriend?

I CAN'T STAND THIS


OK I'm not going to think about it.

I'll get my stuff back when I get back to Hungary, and I have absolutely no chance of getting back together with her, and I have no dignity left, and I can't love anymore, and this is garbage.

Ok I'm late for my math test now.

Bye

[homesick]

OK I'm about 250% calmer now, I think I did really well on my math test which is a very big surprise.

And I talked to my friend about my dilemma, I may have the solution.

I think I'm going to write her an email. I'm going to try to be completely neutral and not confrontational. Here's a rough draft;

I appreciate you taking care of all my stuff since I left, I don't want it to be any trouble for you but I'd be grateful if you could begin gathering it all together somewhere that's out of your way and getting it ready for transport when you have time. You can take your time because it will be a while before I have the money to ship it. Until then you can keep using whatever you like.

Comments? Suggestions?

I want to keep it short and impersonal, but not cold. I think I managed that.

In case it's not clear what I'm doing here, I'm sending a subtle message, that I am not at her beck an call anymore, and that she does not have the luxury of time when it comes to deciding if it me or the other man she wants, I feel that by saying this I'm not putting pressure on her, and I am asserting my independence from her without any financial loss.

If I could say one more thing in it I'd rather say "until I figure out what I'm going to do with it all" because honestly I don't want any of my things sent here, it's better off in storage or with her parents there, but I don't have the money for storing it, so I'll let her have her comfort from my things but I won't let her think having them ensures that I'll be back anymore.

[HistorianChick]

Do you have another friend in Hungary that would be willing to store your things until you have the money to get it? That could be a win-win.

Her saying that she and her new boyfriend were "playing with your toys" is a low blow. I'm sorry, homesick.

If it bothers you that they are using your things then you have to find a way to get them out of there... by getting another friend to store them or sadly, have her simply get rid of them. (I hate to say that because being a historian and a writer, throwing away books is a serious sacrilege! But, for your sanity... )

You told her that she can use everything - hon, you've got to let it go. If you can't let it go, then find someone else to take it.

How are you doing, other than the stuff in Hungary?

[homesick]

I haven't sent that message yet, I don't have any friends there, other than her family. The toy thing was not a direct quote, she wrote me a message because she 'thought I called her' a couple days after she told me about 'him', she said she found out who really called her after she wrote the message from my original post about guitar hero.

Other than the stuff in hungary, I don't know how I am, I don't care about the stuff, its just another excuse to communicate with her, but that issue does need to be resolved. I want to be honest with her, I want to tell her that I'm going to come back and that everything will be all right. But it's not going to be all right, I don't know if I can look at her the same anymore, and to me it looks like she has treated me like all her other ex boyfriends, with mild affection and pity.

I love her but I hate what she's done. And I keep telling myself to move on. I can't wait to start therapy, I just don't want to be miserable anymore, I also keep telling myself that I'm better now, and if I just had her back, my life would be complete again, I don't need her but even though I made my life so much better I am still missing her.

What am I going to do tomorrow, I think I'll manage not to think about her while I am with my date. But what about afterwards. I know I'll still love her no matter what happens. This affects only me, not her.

You said before about my love being some kind of super love, but it seems like it's wasted on my ex. She saw the edge of it and she was scared because she had lost faith in me, she might have thought I was obsessed and that I was setting myself up for disappointment or failure. I'm disappointed, and I failed her, but I still love her, and I know her well enough to really believe that her love for me is still in her somewhere and when I finally get back there it will grow for me again.

If I believe that so much why am I so impatient, why am I so afraid of living my life until I know whether she will come back to me.

I want her to see that I'm strong but I really want her to see that my love is stronger than my ability to attract other women...


Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but it seems to me that love is where all my strength comes from, love is the reason I kept doing all these things, I tried to tell myself and everybody else that I was doing them for myself, but I think that was a lie, I'm still breathing for her, even when it seems so hopeless and that there is no chance that we will ever be together again, I keep going on. I've been doing it for a while now, how can I find a better reason to go on than another person to replace her with, that seems to be what several people have suggested to me, but I don't want to be like my father, he was married 5 times, and now he is old and alone. I want to find out how to be happy without falling in love with somebody else. My god, that's what she's done too. Are all people like this? I can never teach her that she took away our future because of her fear of being alone, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to live for somebody else forever..

What a paradox, I want to learn to love myself so I can get her back. But honestly I love myself, and I am happy with my progress, but I won't stop working on myself. Still no matter how much better I feel about myself, I want to share all that come from it with her, she earned it, she deserves it, and she is so special to me that I want to share all that we can be together.

Sorry now I'm just rambling

[HistorianChick]

Yes, I did say that yours was a super love. Super in the sense of "leaping tall buildings, jumping all obstacles, super power" love. But darlin, that powerful, amazing, Shakespearean love is being tragically wasted. You know it. We all know it.

You're caught up on this hamster wheel - you're running as fast as you can, bettering yourself, rising to the occasion of taking control of your life, and yet, you're still not going anywhere because you haven't gotten off, had enough, and moved on.

You can have that super-love, but if you don't realize that you have that love to give to someone then what good is it? By "give to someone" I mean "give to someone who possesses an equal amount of super love." The Elasti-Girl to your Mr. Incredible. The yin to your yang. The Gate Keeper to your Key Master.

You're asking the right questions and taking the right steps... but darlin, your first step is going to have to be to get off the hamster wheel.

[talaniman]

You may be wasting your time looking for something you may not get. YOUR CLOSURE. Or you have it, but refuse to accept it. Either way is unhealthy, as you sacrifice getting healthy, holding on to what may not be realistic. Use your time wiser, would be my advice. Be healthy to deal with whatever the future holds.

[homesick]

It's being wasted now.

I'm thinking about the future. That is not always a good thing.
But take Talaniman's quote there

"Obstacles are what you see when your not looking at the goal."

It's cliché time.

I guess I need to stop and smell the roses.

[homesick]

Jealousy is driving me crazy, I'm driving myself insane.

I hope that therapy helps, I wish I started sooner.

I'm sad because there was a time when I made her happier than anybody else in the world. I was nothing then compared to what I am now.

She is cheating herself, and living in ignorant bliss (possibly). It's not a selfish wish I make to be with her again, it's for her.

Don't tell me that she knows better what makes her happy, let me have my sick fantasy that I know better. My therapist will help me sort it out.

[homesick]

I'm going to call her in a minute, I don't have a any idea what I'm going to say.

I'm going to apologize to her for the way I treated her, but I'll do my best not to get emotional, I'll try to see what she is feeling and I'm going to bring up my things if it's the worst.

Somebody please tell me if I'm making a huge mistake, tell me that if I wait another month she'll call me and tell me she broke up with the new guy and she'll want me to take her back. Tell me anything. I have some pretty unreal expectations.




Last night I got stood up by the other new girl. My only regret was that I didn't call my ex earlier that day just to talk.

I need to stop fooling around and apologize that's the last thing I need to do. I pray that it will make a difference, but I have a feeling it will only make a difference to me.

[homesick]

Clicking that dial button is really hard.

And I really feel like a fool when the response is the message telling me that the number can't be reached at the moment.

Life is really funny some times.

I guess I'll try again later.