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umebabyplus3 · Feb 8, 2008, 07:57 PM

Hello. I have a difficult problem. I am 34 years old and my boyfriend is 28. Before he was my boyfriend he was my best friend. We got pregnant and had a beautiful little girl 8 months ago and have been together as a couple for a year and 8months. Everything has basically been great between us. We are both divorced and have children from our previous relationships plus our child together. He had to file for bankruptcy when he got divorced and has been living with his parents since then. After I had our daughter I went back to college to get my degree in nursing and have moved into an apartment that my parents own with my son and our daughter to save money. He has been living with his parents for almost 4 years now. The only fight we have had this whole time is that I want him to grow up and be responsible which is basically I just want him to not go to the bar every night and to hang out with people we have more in common with as opposed to the 23year olds he hangs out with that all have no responsibilities! We worked that out to limit bar night to just one night a week and all was well. Then two fridays ago we went to a dance together with my friends and his parents and brother and sister in law. I use to be close to his family but ever since we got pregnant things have been strained between his mother and I. Anyway at the dance his mom and sister in law kept pulling him away from our friends. Then half way through the dance an old neighbor of his came up and started talking to his family. She is married and about 39 years old. Everyone was a little drunk and she started hanging on him and flashing everyone her breasts. Other people that I knew at the dance started coming up to me and asking who the woman hanging all over my boyfriend was. I was irritated and embarrassed so I pulled him aside to talk to him. Half way through our conversation the neighbor comes over and tries to interrupt. I told her to go away and mind her own business. At that point his parents interrupt and tell me I can't control who he talks to. I said I didn't want to control him all I ever wanted was for him to grow up and be responsible. His mother told me that he is responsible and I said why then has he never contributed finacially to our daughter at that point his dad told me to get a lawyer. He and I tried to talk but his parents told him not to talk to me and made him leave with them. I didn't talk to him again till that Sunday. He said he still loves me and wants us to be together but that his family keeps telling him not to be. We have had the same conversation almost everyday since then. He always says he loves me and wants to be together and I make him happy but his family is pulling him in one direction and I am pulling him in the other. We have still been intimate, he always says he loves me when we talk, always kisses me good bye, and still says he wants us to be together but his family. He says he wishes he could just be numb and not have to feel any of this and has been drinking a lot more since this happened. I think he is very depressed and doesn't know what or how to do what he needs to do. I just don't know what to do. I love him and I want to be a family for our daughter. I don't know what to do to help him. I would be very grateful for any advice. Thanks.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 8, 2008, 08:19 PM

First most problem issues all start with "we were out drinking" so that is first and foremost part of the issue, had you both not been to a bar drinking, ( were girls were flashing) I doubt of anything like this would be happening.

But he is chosing his parents over you, that is obvoius, he made a choice and is just not man enough to actually tell you. ** my opinon anyway.

Cheshire2008 · Feb 8, 2008, 08:23 PM

I see your delemma and unfortunately more people are being pulled into this complex relationship. It is a little hard to follow.
I think you need to do some soul searching here and focus on you. You have other children and now an 8 month old. I have to say it is great you are returning to school to better your education. That is a lot of work It sounds like your parents are there to help.

However the father of this child does not sound like he is going to step up to his responsabilites and be what you want him to be. " grow up"
He is living at home with his parents.
He has claimed bankrupcey " So he obvious cannot manage his money well"
He is out at night partying and drinking. And flirting with other women Which shows lack of respect for you!
I think you need some space. Do not look at what he says. Look at what he does.
You cannot control a person You cannot make them grow up. People will do what they will do.
Look at his priorities they do not seem to be for you or your child.
Work on yourself get some child support arranged and take a breather.
I think when you catch your breath You just might wonder what was I thinking.
Take care but don't be a fool for this man.
My thoughts are with you

oneguyinohio · Feb 8, 2008, 08:33 PM

Sounds like mommy and daddy think you won't get a lawyer for some reason... as in perhaps you are hiding something about the real father... I'm not accusing you, just telling what I think is going on with the guy's parents...

Your man seems to be playing both ends for his own benefit... as long as he can buffalo you, you won't file for support, and while he plays his parents, he won't have to pay rent.

That slickster has his priorities it seems which include the bars, babes, and no responsibilities.

Quit taking his "I would but..." stories, and make him show some action...

Think of those words, "I would but..." as if he is saying "I have a lame a$$ excuse that I want you to believe..."

umebabyplus3 · Feb 8, 2008, 08:41 PM

I am sorry. Let me clear some things up really fast. Our daughter looks just like him and there is no way she could be anyone else's. I have been nothing but faithful. The reason he was married to his last wife was they got pregnant out of wedlock too and he did what he thought was the right thing and married her. We are not married because I don't believe in getting married just because you are pregnant.

oneguyinohio · Feb 8, 2008, 08:56 PM

I'm glad for you that you are confident in your statement. Seems like you're making some good and smart decisions.

Hope the guy will wake up soon.

talaniman · Feb 9, 2008, 11:14 AM

You were wrong for making a big deal at a family party ,and trying to talk reason to him in that atmosphere. Much better to have waited the next day.
Having said that though, knowing he is caught in the middle, and doesn't seem to have what it takes to do the right thing, stop pulling him to you. Focus on what YOU must do to keep your life flowing smoothly, and let him drift a bit, until he can decide for himself, what is the correct thing to do, for himself and hopefully for you. The good thing is, and a red flag, he lives at home. Just make sure he takes care of his child, and let him wonder what's going on. Know you may have to be a lot more unavailable to him, if you get my meaning.

happyeverafter · Feb 9, 2008, 08:07 PM

Ok I have to ask did he ask his parents for permission before he slept with you? His family now should be you and your daughter. What is he thinking!