[man of a dying breed]

I'm just going to tart off and say that I'm "oldschool"... I treat those I know with great respect and never plan to berate or belittle any of my girlfriends and am always there to be the support for when they need it.

Now here's my dilemma, I've been working at a job for two and a half years now and this girl I work with from day one had always had her eye on me... for whatever reason I didn't take any stock into her nor did I really talk to her... fastforward to about a year or so now and me and this girl are "friends" now. We talk used to talk on the phone for hours on end but now I'm starting to hold back, we've talked about relationships... the one she is in... she doesn't see going anywhere in the near future, her BF doesn't go to school (college dropout) and makes money "hustling" if you catch my drift.

Now I've told her I liked her and we then went on a hiatus of talking on the phone and seeing each other alone for quite sometime... we would chat it up like nothing at work but didn't talk otherwise, we talked about relationships before and she said she's the type to be "faithful" in a relationship and doesn't condone cheating and has come to realize this.

Fastforward to two weeks ago, she called me again and we chatted for awhile and then again two days later... conversation wasn't as good and she inadvertingly told me that the relationship she has is in shambles... "she feels like an old woman withering away" is what she said in context to it, I'm not one to break up any relationship and have always told her whatever I say to her is only that... don't use my words as basis for the break-up and only do so of your own accord... that way when you move on you will have no regrets.

Now, we still make eye contact and have these long staring-at-each-other moments at work and when we go out with friends... its confusing for me because we "click" yet it's immoral of me to try and do anything... I don't even call her because I feel like we two have reached a point where if anything more should happen it'll break both of our morals and ethics... but at the same time, I feel like after the last time we talked she feels like I'm not "interested" in her anymore seeing as I'm not calling her to "talk".

Any suggestions on what I should do?

[Ladyviper]

It sounds to me that she is looking for an out for the relationship, and she was hoping you would be her out. It seems as though she won't end the current relationship, unless she is secure in the fact that she will have another one to go to. She can't make a definite decision, because you can't give her a definite answer.

She obviously seeks security in a relationship, or she needs another person to help validate her existence, and feels without that she has no worth. When was the last time she was "single" and for how long? You will be surprised to find out that she probably has never been without a man or her parents her entire life, at least not for a significant amount of time.

Now is the real moral dilemma for you, you want her but you don't want to break up her relationship. She wants you, but does not want to break it off without knowing for sure that you will be there for her. If you tell her you do want her, then you will feel obligated to make a relationship with her, and essentially you will be the rebound. No one wants to be the in-betweenie, or the one that is settled for until a fulfilling relationship comes along. So what is holding you back?

You wouldn't be putting the time and effort into being her friend if you didn't want more from her. You would not sit and listen to her relationship issues, if you were not planning to make a move at some point in time. From a moral standpoint, you both are probably wrong. She should be talking to her man about their relationship, not another man. You should be encouraging her to talk to her man, and not enabling her.

Since your moral highground has already avalanched, then you may as well tell her how you feel. Tell her you like her and you want to see her happy and that you can do that for her. Then tell her you cannot do that for her right now, you cannot do that for her until she is without him and over that relationship. She either end it and start the healing process or she will stick it out in her current relationship. You are both emotionally stringing each other along, and it shouldn't be like that.

[man of a dying breed]

That's the thing though, I've told her I liked her already and she didn't say anything aside from "i'm dating another guy"... she didn't "put me in my place" and just left the door open.

I haven't told her that I don't care if she breaks up with her boyfriend and DOESN'T choose me... just that I've told myself that as long as she is not with that guy and finds a nice person suitable for her needs then I'll be happy... I don't know if it's the fact that I'm trying to "fix" her like she is something that needs to be "fixed", as my mentality is always to be helpful and correct things that shouldn't be... or if I actually think she is "the one" and we are "soulmates".

As for the family thing, her parents are divorced and one of the main attributions to that was the fact that her father cheated on her mother... so she has a huge distaste for it and only did it once.. which she swears on her life she will never do again.

[JBeaucaire]

You're doing fine.

You should have the relationship with her you want and is equally agreed to, meaning right now you two are friends. Keep that solid.

She's not married, so there's nothing wrong at all telling her you have a greater potential interest in her.

The "inbetween" thing is fine to fear, but that's a red herring. She still has a dedicated guy. If she does break up with him you're still her friend and will be that for her in the days to follow. As long as you don't dive into a dumb intimate relationship two days after she breaks up, your relationship with her WON'T be a rebound. You'll be friends who slowly take it to the next level over the coming MONTHS.

Go slow, stay close, stay celibate with her so as to not destroy your developing bond or making it overly dramatic. Take your time and enjoy getting to know her in another way without the boyfriend hanging over your heads.

[Bluerose]

You're right there is nothing you can do. It's up to her now to do something if she wants to be with you.

[talaniman]

She is trying to put the ball in your court, and get some action, or reaction from you. I think keeping your distance, as your doing, is the way to go. Let her deal with her own issues, and you keep the boundaries intact.

[man of a dying breed]

Well thanks for the input guys/girls... I guess it eases my mind abit to know that there is some "hope" for this situation... often times I feel like just departing from my ways and be "that guy" sometimes... the "same guy" all girls seem to refer to when they generalize us.

But here's an alternate question... should I try for something "friendly" on V-day? A card or a text message with a poem of sorts? Or just leave it alone?

[talaniman]

Definitely leave her alone. She is out of bounds.

[wewed100606]

I would just drop it black and white and then let her make the play. Just tell her "You tell me you aren't happy, I tell you I want to make you happy. It is up to you to make your decision, but I promise I will never make you sorry."

Walk away and let her make the decision... if she wants to stay in an unhappy relationship you probably don't want her anyway. Would you want to be with someone who doesn't have enough self respect to do what makes them feel good?

I think you are a class act man. You are doing the right thing, but eventually if you want something you have to reach out and take it. You can't go through life... especially when it comes to woman and dating... just waiting for them to come to you. I just won't work bro!

Good luck though! I wish you the best!

[man of a dying breed]

Now this may anger some of you woman who responded to this but as much as I'd like to believe that "Love will win" and I'm "doing the right thing", it always seems to be that the "nice girls" always will stay in the "bad" relationship because they have been in it too long.

I'm not going to name any names, but a friend of mine is/was in a similar situation where the girl has a verbally abusive boyfriend and treats her like crap at times... my friend came along and basically offered her "gold", treated her the way she meant to be treated and did what most "men" should be doing.

But she "broke it off" with him because he "got angry" at her, didn't call her names, just stated that she was stupid and explained himself... she ended up going back to the drinking, abusive boyfriend under the fact that he said he'll "change"... thing's aren't going to be the same... yet last I spoke to her, he still drinks and hasn't let up on "dropping" the drinking habit.

Now I'm not saying it applies to everyone, some girls out there are smart enough to get past the nostalgia or "magic" that was there a year or 2 years ago since they started dating... but from various sources and experiences, girls of her type usually try and stick it out and try to "fix" things even though it's like trying to bolt a door that isn't attached to the wall... they will never truly fix the problems and will probably get into the denial stage of "If i do this then..." hoping for a turnaround when none will ever come.

As a man who treats woman who deserve to be treated like a queen/princess, it hurts me to find out that day in and day out I'm never the one to be chosen... I teetered the line of "" and got a girl to want to date me... yet me being me gets me nothing... it's like what I will do in a relationship isn't valued in today's society... girls want the " and got a girl to want to date me... yet me being me gets me nothing... it's like what I will do in a relationship isn't valued in today's society... girls want the " guy who drinks or does drugs and love the constant arguments and fights... I feel like I'm an antique that just can't be used anymore... obsolete if a word should be used in context to my feelings.

/end rant

[friend4u178]

I think what you need to do here is leave her alone for now. She is OFF LIMITS as she has a BF at the moment.

If she breaks up with the BF give it at least a couple of months before you even attempt to get into anything with her , she will need that time to realise for herself whether she really does or doesn't want this guy. Don't become her emotional handbag to hang onto while she is deciding.

Otherwise we may just see you back here in 6 months saying "My GF went back to her Ex"

[duck22]

What you are doing is respectful. I had a girl snatched from me by another guy and it just left me hurt and angry. However, I think the best advice on this page is ladyvipers.