[George_1950]

May I revise and extend? homesick writes: "steps of grief" I believe it is stages, not steps. The process may involve months, not days. The main thing is, get your compass out, learn to read it, and get feeling better. That oyster metaphor by historianchick is apt. In my opinion, dating is not, sorry, unless you let her know what kind of situation you are in; I'm certain she will assist if she knows. But there are too many raw emotions just now, I am certain. Onward and Upward.

[homesick]

I'm well aware that it is far to soon for me to consider getting into a relationship, I'm just taking this girl out for lunch.

I foresee a few likely outcomes;

We become friends and I tell her of my situation, this could result in her offering her aid, (or if she isn't the sneaky type) her opinion.

We are attracted to one another, in which case I will not be able to become intimate with her until I explain to her my situation, I just couldn't get close to somebody without being honest.

She sees right away that I am fragile, or clinging onto my ex, or simply not her kind of man and we part ways.

My judgment from the extremely small amount that I know about her is that she is compassionate and empathetic and likely to sympathize with my situation. At the very least I will be out of the house for a few hours on Saturday, and I hope to have a good time,

[HistorianChick]

You're right, honesty and being up front with her about your situation is the best thing.

I'm proud of you, homesick! You're putting yourself out there... rather than watching Home Alone, you're living the "I'm not afraid anymore!"

You da bomb, babe. Can't wait to hear about your Saturday! Be yourself and you'll both have a great time. :)

[HistorianChick]

That oyster metaphor by historianchick is apt.

Onward and Upward.

Aww... you remembered my oyster metaphor! Thanks, G!

Homesick - don't you forget it... you're creating that pearl as you continue to heal and take steps to recovery. :) It's going to be a Tahitian pearl when you're done! (Tahitian pearls are the Godiva of pearls... )

[HistorianChick]

:) G - Can't make a pearl without an oyster... so, actually, it is an oyster metaphor AND a pearl metaphor!

[homesick]

I'm still looking forward to my outing this weekend, it's exciting but it's not in the forefront of my mind.

I'm still trying to get some perspective on my life. Now that a lot of the smoke has cleared I realize that her leaving me was not the only problem in my life. It was convenient for me to blame my unhappiness on that, surely that is the worse thing that has happened to me lately, but, I'm calm enough once in a while to look at my life objectively.

What I see when I look at my life is this. I have overcome a lot, but I have many trials ahead, and I'm in new territory.

The biggest change of all, is that I am truly on my own now. I have emotional support, but nobody is going to take care of me, and nobody but my shrink is dedicated to listening to my problems. (well, I have to find a shrink first).

I am confronted with a situation that is more difficult than I ever imagined, I don't have any place to call home except that which I pay for from my own work. I only have what I have earned from my service, and my sweat.

I grew up believing my mother when she told me that I would always be welcome under her roof as long as I was working or studying, that's not true. I'm proud that I managed to get my own place to live.

I'm also proud that I have managed to hold a job, and attend school simultaneously. I never imagined that I would be able to do that, and I'm beginning to realize why I may be the first in my family to finish what I've started at College. I certainly understand why none of them could manage to do it. School alone would be a challenge, now I have to do it while I'm working and on top of that I have this unbearable return to solitude. There was I time when I was with her that I thought I would never be alone again. Now I am alone and it's worse than I remember it.

But I keep trying. The stress gets the better of me sometimes, and I despair, I cry and I look for support. But I haven't missed a class, I force myself to focus, I study, I am always on time to work, I forced myself to start eating again, I am making myself sleep after so many restless nights.

I am taking this mountain that was laid upon me and I'm making bricks out of it.

Of coarse I get scared sometimes, and I want to talk to her. We talked everyday for two years, and I miss that. I'm angry that she isn't alone, she missed me until she found a way to fill the void I left. She told her self a lot of lies to make it easier on herself. Her ignorance is costing me a lot. It would be easier if I could depend on her. But I now accept that not depending on her now is what I needed to do to finish what I started. I am standing on my own two feet, I'm a little bit shaky, but I won't fall down, I'll keep going, no matter how hard it gets. And in time I hope it will get easier.

I believe being alone will get easier, but right now I think that all my other problems are going to keep growing for some time. I don't know how I ever could have thought college was going to be easy. I wish I didn't have to work my way through this, but I'm still grateful that I have the opportunity at all thanks to my military benefits. If it weren't for that I would be doomed to stay here forever, never scratching my way out a credit at a time.

I'm afraid that I won't be able to get my degree this year. I don't know yet if I can. If it's not possible, I may have a breakdown when I discover that I have to work and study at the same time for another year or two.

[HistorianChick]

I am taking this mountain that was laid upon me and I'm making bricks out of it.

And, that, my friend, is one of the bravest things you've said so far.

You're taking the shards of a broken dream and turning the into a mosaic masterpiece.

Glad you're still keeping on keeping on. Don't ever give up! We're all just one little click away! :)

[homesick]

"All is fair is love and war."

I don't really agree with that.

But I'm not above using that philosophy to get what I want.

I'm patient, but I don't have to be. I don't want to wait for her to figure out all the mistakes she made. She may never figure that out for herself.

I want to cheat at the game.

I'd love to call her and tell her all the horrible little things about her that she refuses to see. I want her to see how weak and frightened she is, and to be startled by how strong I am and marvel over the trials that I have overcome. She has absolutely no concept of what it is like to rely on yourself. For her, a failed relationship has no consequences. She has never had to be alone, she is so terrified of being alone that she finds another man the moment she thinks a relationship won't work. For her failure of any kind has no consequences. She pays no rent. Her family will always take care of her. Her government paid for her education, if she didn't graduate last year, she would still complete it this year without paying a single cent for it. She doesn't have to work. She will never be homeless or in need of a job.

I am alone. That is the price I'm paying for wanting to make myself better. If I fail at my endeavors I know there are consequences. If I fail my life will change, and only I can keep that from happening. I needed a job, and a home when she was afraid that she might fail an exam. Whose need was greater? She will never understand that unless she sees it for herself.

I stared my challenges in the face and I grappled until I got them under control. Now I'm riding this dragon around and clinging on for dear life.

What has she done?

She needs to be taught a lesson, I want her to see the way things really are, and that she is the weak one, not me.

I am angry, I am disappointed. But I don't want to punish her out of spite, I want her to see the truth because I love her and I deserve to love somebody that appreciates who I am. When she sees the truth, and truly understands that I have surpassed her, then she will want me back and she will be worthy to be with me.












This feeling makes me want to call her, it's not as strong as the need I felt in the past when I wanted support, but this feeling is almost as tempting. I want to rage at her and frighten her into realizing that if she doesn't grow up I will really leave her. I won't say goodbye through tears next time, I will leave her crying and I will be on my merry way. I still love her too much to actually want that, but I know that it is just a matter of time. If she could only see the horrible danger she is in she would come running to me. Every minute that goes by she is losing me, even I realize now that it is the truth. How do I show that to her?

[talaniman]

I am angry, I am disappointed. But I don't want to punish her out of spite, I want her to see the truth because I love her and I deserve to love somebody that appreciates who I am. When she sees the truth, and truly understands that I have surpassed her, then she will want me back and she will be worthy to be with me.

Your mind is playing tricks on you. The first part makes sense as I understand those feelings, but the rest is crap dude, sorry.

[HistorianChick]

Darlin, You're still giving her your power. Right now, she is not worth it.

You at a point so far from where she is right now... you've surpassed her in emotional strength, in knowing who you are, knowing what you want, and where you're going. You're the strong one in this situation.

Don't give her control over your head and heart anymore. You are in control of your own destiny... live in that fact.

You know that you're the best she has ever/will ever/could ever have. Revel in that. Know that. Truly believe it. And wait. If you two are destined to be together, she will realize it.

Your power is your strength. Don't get weak, Darlin. Tap into your own "super-ness."

She's not kryponite, she can't destroy unless you let her.

[homesick]

I know why you're saying that, it still sounds like I'm desperate for her.

I am still desperate, but I still believe that she can be better than what she is now. If I didn't believe that I know that I wouldn't love her anymore.

I was not growing before, that is why she left me. I can't change the past, so it doesn't matter anymore, but she can still change. It won't be to late for her until I choose to stop loving her, she wants to be better, she just doesn't know how.

I believe 100% that I can change her, because she wants to change.

I believe that I am a wonderful person whether she loves me, because I can do anything that I set my mind to and a broken heart isn't going to take that power away from me.

I may change but right now, my mind is still made up, I will give her another chance. I'm tired of waiting for her though, she needs someone to show her this world that is hidden to her. If she still doesn't love me after she sees the truth, then I will force myself to let her go.



Would I have ever realized how strong my love for her is if I didn't lose her?
She needs to see me as I am, and see that I'm going. The pain of loss was not enough for her, because she didn't know what she was losing.

In her mind she hasn't lost me, she still thinks I'm waiting for her. For the moment she may be right, but she doesn't know what she's missing, and she doesn't know that I am leaving her this very minute. Learning not to love somebody is a slow painful process but it happens, and her time is running out. That has never happened to her before, all her other exes still worship her, or if they have moved on she knows that they are not what she wants. I am what she wants. She knew that but she forgot, because I took so long to find my strength.

[HistorianChick]

You are a wonderful person.

Because you are. Not because of who you're with.

Just remember that. :)

[homesick]

I'm going to rage until the sky spits out fire if I have to. I'll do what ever it takes to get her attention, because she needs to see that I have the power now, I need to shock her out of her coma.

I said it to her when she left me, I am a fighter, and I won't quit.

I refuse to wait for her to realize it on her own. I won't wait patiently for destiny to unfold itself.

I don't believe in 'meant to be'. I make my own destiny.

I never believed in fate or in the better nature of people, She loves me but her fear and her ignorance keep her from giving us another chance. No matter what anybody says I have the power to show her the way back to me. I don't have the power to change the way she feels, I can't do anything about that, but I don't need to change her, all I need to do is open her eyes.

I will continue to be patient and channel my rage into my college classes, and my social life, and my job, but as soon as I find a way to show her what she is missing my patience will pay off. I will not rely on her or on destiny to magically show her the way, because life does not work that way, we have to make our lives happen the way we want them to. I will not just lay down and die, and I refuse to surrender my heart. I will find a way to put the truth into her.

[homesick]

All right, I know that what I've been saying is exactly the same thing I told myself right before I started sending her text messages 3 days after she said she wanted to be alone.

I know better now.

I can't communicate with her because she doesn't speak the same language as me when it comes to love.

I have patience, but it's running thin.

I know that there has to be some other way than just this useless waiting. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do for myself. I can't fill up the minutes of the day with distractions. I am getting my situation under control and still have too much time to think.

I'll even try to be distracted by this other girl, but I have doubts about it working out when I just want somebody to distract me. If experience has told me anything, it's that these things usually don't work when you actively pursue them.

I won't give in to my weakness, I won't call her, but I refuse to leave it up to her, I don't trust her anymore, I can't rely on her poor judgment, and I won't give up just because she doesn't know what is happening. Of coarse she knows I love her, she knows the basics, and she knows all my weaknesses, but she doesn't know my strengths, and she doesn't remember the passion that I can ignite in her. If she just had a little taste it would grow until she can't control herself anymore, and I can't stress enough that I won't quit until I have seen proof that she doesn't love me anymore. That won't happen until she understands all that has happened.

[homesick]

Mystery is not doing me any service.

Is it possible for me to talk to her without getting emotional. I want her to know that I am OK, and that she should be wondering about what I am doing enough to call me.

I will not contact her, but I am so afraid that she will never have the courage to call me. I still believe that she is afraid of hurting me, and I need her to know that I am not that weak anymore.

I don't want to wait until I've got a new girlfriend or a diploma before I get sick of waiting for her to call. I want to piqué her curiosity enough to check in on me.

If some huge change happens to me and I really don't care about her anymore, I still won't call for my things because I can't afford to have them sent overseas. She knows this, but the fact remains that she has a lot of my possessions and she is not the kind of person who would forget about that, she won't take them as her own, and she won't throw them out. Something has to be done about it, I know it is a tiny advantage for me to have these things in her presence as a constant reminder of me, but they do not make her realize that I am no longer waiting by the phone for her to call.

When she believes that there is a chance that I will not be brought to tears by the sound of her voice, she will call.

Another possibility is when the veil is lifted and she no longer thinks that her new romantic interest is the greatest person ever, she will start to reconsider her hasty decision. This could be a matter of months or years. I doubt my convictions will last years. I don't flat out deny the possibility of the "if it's meant to be" scenario anymore though, I realize that letting her go will make my life so much easier.

In any case inaction is killing me, I'm back on top of things in my life again. School is not unmanageable and I can handle it. I just need to come up for air once in a while.

My social life is another story, I'm frustrated by the lack of interesting people in my life, I was intellectually spoiled in Europe and I'm used to having intelligent conversation with people, and that is hard to come by in my current surroundings.

As for the date I was supposed to go on yesterday, I was totally stood up. She didn't even call me. That is, to say the least, slightly aggravating.

Despite the fact that I am in a state of depression I think that I am keeping a very positive attitude, and I'm proud that I am maintaining my life even though I am in a constant state of emotional torment.

So my next intention is to see a psychiatrist or psychologist this week, and since I have been prescribed antidepressants in the past but I have never used them I hope that trying that may make it possible for me to be a happier, healthier, more balanced person.

My goals remain the same, and I am staying constant on my coarse despite my constant urges to try risky shortcuts. I am not changing my direction.

And since it's become part of my routine, I'll just ask again, if anybody has any ideas as to how I can prompt her to call me without direct contact. I must insist that she and I are not finished and I won't accept the possibility that she is completely lost to me until she acknowledges the progress I've made. If she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up.

[HistorianChick]

Is it possible for me to talk to her without getting emotional. I want her to know that I am ok, and that she should be wondering about what I am doing enough to call me.

And since it's become part of my routine, I'll just ask again, if anybody has any ideas as to how I can prompt her to call me without direct contact. I must insist that she and I are not finished and I won't accept the possibility that she is completely lost to me until she acknowledges the progress I've made. If she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up.

Darlin, only you will be able to know if you can talk to her without getting emotional. I wish we could all give you that magic elixer that will make you non-emotional, not effected, and give you that Joe Cool attitude when/if you finally do approach her.

You're going to know if it's the right thing to do to contact her or not. You've done amazingly well so far in not contacting her.

I don't know what's best for you - to continue NC and wait for her to contact you, or the other way around. I almost think that you may need that closure - you said "if she sees that and still denies me then I will do my best to move on, until then my mind is made up." I don't know if you should - I can't know that.

I can only tell you that in my own situations in the past, NC was the way for me to go. NC worked for me. That was closure enough for me. But, it might not be for you.

Bottom line: you're going to have to determine what YOU think is best for you... and then do it. If its NC, you have already exhibited your ability to do that (an ability that I'm real proud to have observed from an e-distance). If its contact her, figure out if she is just too scared to contact you. If its just to wait, then wait. AND, if its move on... Darlin, move on.

I really hope that you're able to figure this out. You deserve happiness.

(About the girl that stood you up? She's the loser. ;) )

[homesick]

Thanks HC,

Your right about that girl, I won't waste my time with her. I need to concentrate on school. I feel pretty good about classes now, I caught up on a lot of work, and I think that I'm going to be OK.

I'm still getting worked up quite often when I think about my ex. I really don't think it's over yet. I guess I could look at it this way, I'm giving her time to figure out how she really feels.

I'm upset that she told me she doesn't want to get back together the day before I said goodbye, I wish I could have acted like I didn't care, and I wish I could have made her believe that I could take her or leave her, and that I was fine. That magic pill would have helped... I prided myself on my honesty, and my honesty is what drove her away in the end.

But I don't think I'm in denial when I say that with a positive attitude my situation is not so terrible, I just have school and work. And on the weekends I catch up on school work and I have time to relax, I just need to find out what helps me relax.

A trap I keep falling into is saying to myself, "This would be fun if she was here with me" or "She would really appreciate this."

But I can't share my world with her anymore, she has cut herself off from it.

I try to imagine what her world is like quite often, and I'm sure that I don't understand it, it is easy for me to say that she has it easier than me, but only part of that is a matter of choice on her part. Her choosing to be with somebody else makes it easier for her, but her family and her place in society have done the rest of the job. It's easy for her because she will never face the prospect of poverty, she will never need a job, she believes that all of the trials I have been through are no big deal because she comes from a different world. A world where it's fun to look for a job, or a new place to live, it's not frightening for her like it was for me because she had her family to take care of her, if I didn't find work, my future would be compromised. If I didn't find a place to live I couldn't live a stable life. She has done many of the things that I had to do these past months, but she has never been faced with consequences if she was unable to do them.

All that is not that important, the important thing is this, I appeared weak to her when I was under the greatest amount of pressure I have ever felt in my life, her love and my future were at stake if I didn't accomplish what I set out to do, of coarse I was scared, and I wanted her to support me. But I succeeded without her support and I am overcoming all obstacles and doing quite well at taking care of myself in a most difficult situation, and despite my depression and difficulties I am maintaining a positive attitude. I have surpassed her in maturity, and she may never realize it because she will most likely never have to face any of the challenges that I have conquered. I don't hold a grudge against her for this I only see myself as better equipped to take care of her now.

I wish that I could show this side of the story to her. Her perception has been so flawed because of her ignorance of what life is like for somebody like me that does not have all the advantages in life that she was lucky enough to have.

I hope that I don't have to wait until I go back to Hungary for her to see the man I've become. I hope one day she realizes what I've gone through without me telling her. I hope one day she sees that I am a beautiful, exciting wonderful person and that I can have fun without her and she is really missing out on an awesome adventure here because she was afraid to believe in me. She has made part of my adventure quite difficult and it would have been better if she didn't run away from me, but my adventure is not over yet. If I can, I will bring her along for the rest of it at some point, but I need to show her the rewards not only the risks. I'm full of hopes and I want share my hopes and my promises with her.

[homesick]

I would like honest opinions from everyone who has read this post,

When/Will she will call me?

Bear in mind the important factors;

1. The pathetic way I acted when I finally said goodbye.
2. My possessions in her home.
3. Her persistence to keep in contact with me until I finally said goodbye.
4. The fact that our relationship was always marvelous when I was improving myself exactly like I am doing now.
5. And most importantly the fact that she is completely clueless about fact number 4.
6. and any other important details I forgot.

I know that nobody can read her mind or see the future, least of all me. I just want to know what everybody thinks.

[Robert7x]

I don't think anyone knows that really... Nobody knows what she's thinking or what she feels etc. I think you should stop obsessing about that and move on... At first I was wandering about if she'll call me etc... but now I don't think I care as much... I mean yeah I would like to hear from her and all, but what's the point really... There is no chance of us getting back so why obsess about it.

I suggest you do the same... stop thinking about it and just move on... When you stop obsessing about it and constantly thinking if and when she'll call... Who knows, maybe she calls then...

Good Luck

[homesick]

I can't help but think that I don't like something about altering my life to be centered around myself when I found that centering it around her made everything work so well for me these past two years.

Of coarse there were problems about making my life all about her, but when I think carefully about it I always come to the conclusion that the problems arose out of me not doing enough with the intent of improving myself, I was only trying to maintain a status quo by not doing anything until she started to lose interest, than I would become a temporary hive of activity until her affections returned, and then quickly return to my hibernative state.

Now I see that I love myself enough and I have matured enough to make continuous strides to improve my condition and to keep myself in a state of change or activity. I believe that my inability to do this in the past is both what made me unhappy, and caused her to lose interest in me.

All that I am wanting from life now is an opportunity for her to see that. I honestly believe that I figured out the 'magic formula' for our relationship to work, I want to make sure she gets a chance to try it out.

It's not about closure for me it's about me being certain that we could be perfect for each other.

When I say perfect, what I mean is that we have the perfect characteristics of a healthy relationship, we both love each other, we are not identical so we have much to learn from one another, we both help each other but we do not depend on one another, and we both love to help each other grow better than what we are now.

No matter how much I love myself, or move on, she is still somebody that I want to share my life with because I want to free the wonderful person inside of her, and she helped me find the person I've become.