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Scherbie · Feb 2, 2008, 02:50 PM

My daughter is 19 has lived with me in PA and with her mother in AZ on and off all her life (we were divorced when she was 5). While she was living in AZ at the age of 17, she got pregnant and then married. The father is emotionally unstable and serving in the military in Iraq. While he was home on leave last year, they got together to try to reconcile what was going to be a divorce. My daughter became pregnant again. Now I have two granddaughters, that is certainly not the problem. She seems to be spiraling out of control. She came to "visit" two weeks ago with the children. I met my granddaughters for the first time. Such blessings. She then left to go back to AZ to live with her "boyfriend" while I take care of the kids. This was put out there as a temporary solution to her problem: being 19 with no career, no job and no home. I forced her to come back two days ago because I think she needs to care for her children and I can help her get on her feet. After one day of being here, she has said that she wants to be in AZ, will leave the kids here and start her life. Once she has everything established (job, car, home) she will bring the kids to live with her.

I can't force her to stay here with me and she is hell bent to make it on her own in AZ. I don't want my granddaughters to live in assisted housing on welfare/foodstamps... an idea that my daughter brought to the table as to how she will make ends meet. She has mood swings that range from being happy to taking 24 Efexor (sp?) pills just to see if anyone cares. She is involved with the wrong croud. I do not think she is taking drugs, although I may be naïve to it. I am just at a loss. I don't know how to help her. If I push her she will runaway, if I enable her, she may end up dead.

The father of the children is coming back in 2 months and has stated that he wants to take the kids until he deploys again in 6 months.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Help?

Thanks,
Rock and a hard place.

hollyshobbies · Feb 2, 2008, 03:12 PM

I'm so sorry. That sounds like a very stressful situation for you and the girls. They are so lucky to have you. Are you able/willing to support them? If so, maybe you can work out a custody arrangement with the father. Your daughter sounds like she won't become responsible until she wants to. If she ever wants to. She could be a lost cause. I don't think there are any definite answers and nothing anyone can say will be of comfort, I'm sure. Hang in there for your little ones!

talaniman · Feb 2, 2008, 05:22 PM

Not a great position to be in but you can work out something so she can at least help with her kids. They are lucky they have you in there lives at this time and wish you the best. Give her a time limit and let her know you expect her to get busy and on her own two feet. And pray.

George_1950 · Feb 4, 2008, 08:47 AM

It seems that your daughter is have issues with maturity; that she would rather play around than own-up to her responsibilities. She needs vocational and family counselling, but she has to want it. I think you need some kind of agreement or acknowledgement from her that you have custody and can take the kids to the doctor, etc. Maybe the father is the more responsible parent at this time. Both of them should give you some money for child care.

mikedem7 · Oct 19, 2008, 04:22 AM

Sounds like a drug problem have seen this much in the last 10 years

mishelly3 · Oct 19, 2008, 09:57 PM

I agree with every one I would just add that I would agree to take the kids and have a written agreement made out and noterized and also stae that during the time she is gone she is to get counceling of some sort and show prove that she has gone or you will take the kids until she has and you will not return until she does.. I don't know how legal that is buts it worth a try to at least to force her to get help...

aloneIbreak · Oct 19, 2008, 10:33 PM

I don't know if my message can help or not...
But I will tell you my story..

My sister, at age 17 got pregnant and by 19 she was single mother...

My mother and us in the family helped her taking care of her baby...
We cared about it, but by doing that, we created something that eventually took its toll...

It took a VERY long time for her to take responsibility for her son...
Even thought she later got married and had another baby, still, she wouldn't be responsible...

It is very hard to dig them out of that hole, because their attitude towards life is that everyone owes them everything only because of what they went through...

But they have to learn that like others, nothing is free in this life and if she doesn't realize that, the ones that will suffer the most are the children, because when she wants to take care of them, they will not listen because they will hate her for not caring for them when she had to...

I saw it with my own eyes how a single mother struggles to make ends meet and move on... and it's not easy, but the only way to help her is to do two things...

1.- make her get a job.. on anything... it doesn't matter, the only point here is to get her mind busy... however, be careful of the jobs she picks because she could get involved with someone, and thus the cycle repeats...
But if you can achieve that, you are one ste ahead

2.- this is the toughest one, but if you manage to do it, maybe not now, but many years later she may thank you for it... you have to make her understand that even though you are her parent, you can do so much about her situation...
Just because she did that, it doesn't mean that now everyone must feel sorry for her and let her do whatever she wants...
She has to learn that only when she starts supporting her kids and struggling that what ilfe is really all about...

She may not like that cold hard truth, but once she opens here eyes, that will be the day you have turned things around and she will understand everything...

Before that, yes, as you said it before, you are being naïve...