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angelfire · Feb 6, 2006, 12:59 AM

Help...
My boyfriend of 1 year has had severe family problems. His family has been too dependent of him for sometime that he cannot find time or energy for our relationship.
Recently, he just decided to leave home and asked if he can move in with me in my apartment. Im not sure I want too.
I mean, I love him but I am not ready to live with him. I have a great career going for me and living with him might hinder me from putting my all to my career. Besides, I have doubts if I really want to spend my life with him. Im afraid that he will be dependent on me emotionally and financially that will slow me down from making my life work out for me.
He makes me feel guilty though. He says he left home because of me. But he never really consulted me about his plans before he left home. He just dropped into my doorstep and told me he's moving in..
What should I do? Should I take him in? Or should I let him find the solution to his problem on his own and let him become a man of his own?

DJ 'H' · Feb 6, 2006, 02:33 AM

Darling, if you don't want this and you are not ready for this kind of commitment then tell him the truth. He left his home because of the pressures he has and just assumed you would take him in. Now because his assumptions have been proved wrong, he is sending you on a guilt trip to get his own way. If you give in to him now when you are not ready he will know he can walk all over you and think of you as a pushover. Don't let him abuse your good nature, I have been there one too many times and it is not worth it. Put yourself & your career first.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 6, 2006, 06:44 AM

I agree with DJH,

If you do not want this then you tell him that it is not the right time. Do not let him send you on a guilt trip. You need to tell him the truth. You need to tell him in a way that he understands that you are not ready for him to move in until he learns how to be independent on his own. Tell him that you do care for him but your not ready for this type of move. Of course, you need to tell him in your own words. Joe

talaniman · Feb 6, 2006, 08:40 AM

Why can't he get his own place? You must be quite a catch so maybe he thinks this is a good idea and could save him money. But I agree with you if this move makes you uncomfortable then no way should you let him move in!Stick to your guns and let him get his own diggs.If he loves you he will see the wisdom of your side of it! It seems young people today are in such a hurry to move in with someone then can't understand when things change so they write to this forum asking for advice to deal with a break-up they never saw coming.I admire your mature approach to this issue and wish you luck!:cool:

Wildcat21 · Feb 6, 2006, 08:56 AM

Absolutely do not let him move in. Women always know through their gut instincts what's right. Tell him now is not theright time and you are not ready for this - period and end of story.

Just because he wants to doesn't mean you have to.

Moving in together is a huge step = it could go pretty bad iyou really aren't ready for it.

I know a women who LET her boyfriend moving in with her and she wasn't ready. She cheated on him AND wanted to get caught to get him out - she never cheated before.

fredg · Feb 6, 2006, 09:07 AM

Hi,
I fully agree with the other answers.
He has severe family problems? And You feel guilty because he wants to move in with you? And He left home because of you?
I seriously doubt he left home because of you.
He left home because of the severe family problems.
If you let him move in with you, you will be "taking in" all these problems, as well as him, too.
Please don't feel guilty about not letting him move in; which would be a very big mistake! He has to become his "own man", and you can't do that for him.
It isn't your fault he has problems, and now that he is looking for someone to live with, it doesn't have to be you.
I do wish you the very best of luck, and don't do something that will interfere with how you really feel.

bizygurl · Feb 6, 2006, 10:23 AM

Hi, no don't let him move in. Just tell him that your not ready to take that step yet. You don't need to tell him what you told us about him hidering you, because he may really resent that. But tell him you have a lot going on in your life right now and you have your own stress you have to deal with it, and by him bringing all of his issues into your home isn't something that you can deal with right now. Maybe you can find away to explain that better to him. You shouldn't have to do something that your not ready for. And moving in with someone is a big decision and one to really think about. Don't do it because you feel bad for him do it when the time is right for you.

CaptainForest · Feb 6, 2006, 01:07 PM

Hi,

Don't let him move in. As you say, you are NOT ready for it. Besides, you don't even know if he's the one for you.

A guilt trip? Don't let it bother you. He says he moved out because of YOU? Yeah right, did he even consult you first? NO.

Don't move in with him until you are ready to. Now does not appear to be the time.

giggles · Feb 6, 2006, 03:01 PM

Hey, just adding fuel to this fire - I think we're all strongly saying the same thing! Go with your gut, don't move in. but explain why. It sounds like he's using the same tactics on you that he's trying to escape from in his own household! And he might not realise it like that, because he's surrounded by dependency where he is.
Assure him that right now, it's actually better for him to be living on his own, (or sharing with friends/strangers). He's trying to break the overbearing family dynamic, right? So why on earth does he want to snuggle up in your space?
It's a little too easy, means he's not taking responsibility for his own liberty, and hey you're going to lose out to. As Fredg says, he's going to bring those probs with him if he doesn't have the space to do some psychological spring cleaning. Good luck!

nwsflash · Feb 6, 2006, 04:32 PM

It sounds that you are not ready to take things to that level yet! Maybe in time you will be but not right now... All you can do is talk things over with him and tell him straight the way you are feeling.

If this guy loves you 100% he will understand and drop the guilt trip b/s.

Wildcat21 · Feb 6, 2006, 04:38 PM

Yes - it sounds like you may even be ready to move on. You've been with this guy for what? 1 year? If your not ready, then there also must be more issues in this relationship. After 1 year and you don't want to live together - might be time to move on,

Does he have a job?

angelfire · Feb 6, 2006, 07:15 PM

He has a job that is not doing really well. He told me he wants to move in with me to start a life with me. But I can't take him though I love him still, knowing that he is not yet a man of his own. Ive been through a similar relationship before with another guy and it did not work because he was jealous and insecure. That is why I am very reluctant to take my boyfriend in this time. Afraid that it might turn our that way again.

angelfire · Feb 6, 2006, 07:25 PM

Guys shouldn't just drop their things at your doorstep and tell you he is moving in just like that. He should really be moving in because he loves you and he is ready to take on a life with you and be responsible for you- not because he doesn't have any other place to stay or because he has no one else to turn to... Dats not the ryt reason, is it?

I mean if the circumstances were different and he asked me to live with him because he is already stable and ready to start a familt- I would have taken the plunge eagerly. But it isn't.

talaniman · Feb 6, 2006, 08:00 PM

Give this poor guy a chance to grow up but not at your expense,you may have to just leave him alone if he can't handle the truth.Something tells me you will be glad you didn't let him move in with you,Don't let him stay the night either!:cool:

Fr_Chuck · Feb 6, 2006, 08:23 PM

He left home because of the family issues at home, and he was hoping to save rent and shack up with you.

He should not expect to pack the bag and move in without asking you first.

If you feel the way you do, he should respect it and find his own place. That is what grown up men do, find their own place to live. You don't need someone that just need another home to take care of him, He needs some time on his own to be his own person.

angelfire · Feb 6, 2006, 11:26 PM

That was what I was thinking. I just felt guilty somehow that I can't be there for him this time. He seems to think that I left him hanging when I was the last person he could turn to. But I know in my heart that this is one instance that he has to figure out for himself if he wants to regain his self-respect and build his "own" life.

Now, Im worried that because of this, he will break up with me and flush everything we had down the drain...

angelfire · Feb 6, 2006, 11:30 PM

You know sometimes I think I attract these kind of males who are so dependent on women to do their stuff and take care of everything for them. I don't know what I should do to repel this kind of guys and get away from them...
Why does it take a lot of time for men to grow up anyway?

angelfire · Feb 6, 2006, 11:58 PM

Thanks for that guys!

Just an update: He just texted me and broke up with me.

And surprise, I don't even feel like crying. Im relieved!

Maybe he just really isn't the right man for me. I laid awake long last night thinking it over, asking myself if I can at least give him a chance, help him out for a while or something. Now, he just gave me the answer I need.. Im going on with my life without him. And I shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Ive been in a previous relationship that is so like this one. Is there a specific personality that attracts this kind of men? Do I have to adjust some things in my personality or values whatever just so I won't be attracting this kind of men the next time?

DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 02:37 AM

Originally Posted by angelfire

Thanks for that guys!

Just an update: He just texted me and broke up with me.

And surprise, I dont even feel like crying. Im relieved!

Maybe he just really isnt the right man for me. I laid awake long last night thinking it over, asking myself if I can at least give him a chance, help him out for a while or something. Now, he just gave me the answer I need.. Im going on with my life without him. and I shouldnt feel guilty about it.

Ive been in a previous relationship that is so like this one. Is there a specific personality that attracts this kind of men? Do I have to adjust some things in my personality or values whatever just so I wont be attracting this kind of men the next time?

It's nothing you are doing wrong. At the end of the day you have a wise attitude and you are dealing with this perfectly. You know in your heart this man was not right for you and in the long run he will thank you for what you did, It takes a lot of guts and courage to put yourself first (I should know, it has taken me long enough to learn). I used to attract the wrong type of guy, but it's only because I was too nice, men saw me as a pushover. It never hurts to put your foot down once in while and think of yourself. I commend you for what you did and Ican see you are very strong and will not fall aprt over this. The right guy will come along when you least expect it. I am with the most wonderful guy now after being with so many arseholes and players and the best part he has been right under my nose for years as he lives next door to me. It's funny how things turn out.

If I am honest you are not really at the point in your life where you are ready for a full on relationship. You want to excel in your career and live your life. You really do have the right attitude and you do not have to change anything. You go girl :)

talaniman · Feb 7, 2006, 04:08 AM

Congrats Angelfire,not for the break-up of you and your b/f,but for sticking to your guns!If he had loved you he would have accepted your wishes and sought to make himself a better man,but since you stood your ground he like the kid he is showed his true nature and left.He was out to control and use you for what you have and what he could get.Look at all the heartbreak and b/s you saved yourself by being mature enoiugh to know what you want,You are free to live your life.good luck:cool: