[jeffatl]

I have been hanging out with this girl for a couple of weeks now, and things have been going great. We are just getting to know one another, and taking things kind of slow. The thing is, she seems to have a lot of EX issues, with a few different guys... and I'm not sure what I think about it. One EX still sends her messages on her web page saying "I love you" and she still has picturtes of them up as well, she also tells me another EX still calls her. True we are not "together" but I don't want to get myself into a situation if we do end up going there. Both of these guys live out of state, but it just seems kind of odd. Not exactly sure what to do, I have talked to her about it... but never really asked "whats the deal"? What should I do?

[JBeaucaire]

Take your time. Every person has history, good and bad, and first months dating seldom reveals the extent of the issues. Take your time. Stay out of bed and spend time getting to know her, what she likes to DO, teach her the same about you, and you two go out and do those things, create some history of your own. Stay out of bed.

Starting with a powerful friendship and slowly progressing to intimacy (think 6+ months) means you have a basis together to overcome your own respective pasts. You get time to see if she's serious about her present and she gets time to see if you are.

Couple of weeks? Good job even knowing about the exes. Relax. They are mostly irrelevant right now, focus on other things with her. Be the fun guy you can be, jealousy is not useful.

In the long run, if you are a better catch than her exes, it won't matter what they text message. If you aren't, then she should go back to them or move on. So work on being an awesome guy these exes can't compete with. Being a good guy is hard enough work without worrying about other guys, so don't.

And did I mention, stay out of bed.

[ISneezeFunny]

Get.out.of.there.now.

You don't want a girl with ex-baggage... let alone 2 ex-baggages.

Not only are the exes the problem, the girl has a minor issue if she can't let these two guys go. Even if she does get into a relationship with you, it will start having issues.

[EuRa]

I love the 2 answers already. JB said "stay out of bed" for 2 reasons I believe.

1- If you go to bed with this chick, emotianally things become more involved, and if you don't know what's going on behind the scenes, then you could potentially be putting yourself in a REALLLYYYY bad spot.

2- She could be a floosie. She could have diseases. A whore, etc.

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Sneeze is also right. 2 exes? Why is that? Why is it they won't go away and why is it she's letting them hang around? Out of state? Why is that? Dangerous.

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I once dated a girl like the one you described. I found out that she lied, and they weren't guys from out of state, but guys who were dating here WHILE I was dating her too. She called me her boyfriend, but I didn't know that she was also calling 2-3 other guys her boyfriends.

One day, she left her myspace inbox messages up in my house accidentally. I saw all these messages headlined "I miss you" and "cant wait to see you"... there were literally DOZENS of messages from DOZENS of different guys. She was so insecure, bouncing to any guy that gave her attention. She clung to me a little more than most because I had a lot of money. Dangerous situation, I got out asap, but wish I never got in and I wish I took it slower. I learned from that.

[HistorianChick]

Yeah, that is odd.

Darlin, you don't need a relationship with a girl that is still communicating with exes. You need a relationship with a girl who is completely, wholly, 100%-ly IN a relationship with you.

Because, being in a relationship means being in the relationship.

[Chery]

I don't know how old this girl is, but some young ladies like to collect 'notches' on their belts and brag about them. It could be true or it could be imagination. That is why all the answers below have applied in some way to help you try and figure it out.
Another issue could be that she is so insecure that she might want a 'jealousy' reaction from you. It's up to you what you want to do with this, but it will surely add to your experience for the future, one way or the other.
No matter what your choice, staying out of bed is a good idea until you figure out if she is worth the work and time you invest in her.

Maybe she is so shy that she does not know what else to talk about - get her on another subject and see how she reacts. She her that you would like to know what other interests in life she has by finding out what type of music, literature, entertainment and food she likes or does not like.

When she brings up another ex - tell her that the past is gone and that you'd rather talk about the 'now' and some of your interests too.

If this does not work, it might be a good idea to find someone who has more interesting things to talk about and do.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[jeffatl]

All of you make valid points, and I thank you for your input. The thing is, we have alrady slept together... but no sex. That was really strange too, it was the first night I met her. I took her home expecting... you know... and we just ended up taking, making out and then sleeping. I guess that's where a lot of my worries come from with his girl. It almost seems like she is emotionally needy, not slutty. She told me "I am not going to have sex with you" but honestly I didn'y believe her... but we didn't. The thing is, I am really attracted to her. She is pretty smart, and we have a lot of fun. I just have a strange feeling about this one for some reason... something seems off and I can't place it.

[jeffatl]

The girl is 22... I am 26. I normally go no younger than 23-24

[JBeaucaire]

At your age, I understand your behavior, but you also probably have enough history now to understand why I said what I did.

Your dates should not be ending in bed, for sex or even simple comforting, unless you accept NOW that DRAMA in your life is welcome. This is unrewarding behavior. Even the sex, honestly, can't be THAT awesome that's worth risking a sold relationship with someone you like.

Go slower, put more fun and courting into your relationship, and drop her at the door. Keep out of the private situations completely until months after you've started seeing each other. She can't be your "all" at this point and she needs to see that you are a solid, dependable, fully-rounded guy.

[peggyhill]

I think you have gotten some great advice here. Just don't spend the night with her again, (yet anyway) since it could lead to sex. That situation is full of temptation for both of you.

I agree that you should spend much more time getting to know her. If you guys are just friends for a while, you will get to know more about her and find out if she is even right for you. If she continues to talk to the exes and wants to date you too, I would be wary. That's a red flag in my book. Girls can be players just as much as guys can. Take it slow, be friends, and see how you feel in a few months.

[jeffatl]

I do understand, and I think that is why I am having such an issue with all of this. I don't want her to be my "all" for sure, I guess I'm just asking if I should trust my gut on this one and run... or stick it out. I LOVE the idea about keeping out of the private situations, I NEVER bring them up... it's her. She isn't a "party girl" which is the thing I do actually like about her, I'm just not sure if what I am seeing right now is the true HER, it feels forced for some reason.

[Chery]

Jeff.. you'll be saying that about every girl, and finally your wife - if you ever get that far. That's the nice thing about life - unless you can read minds, our partners will always keep us on our toes. Talk to your gut - it has been with you for a long time - and if it has not lead you to jump off a bridge yet, it is there to protect you. Your choice buddy, not matter what you do I am there for you and wish you all the best.

Lots of Virtual Hugs from an old friend.

P.S. (edit) Good to see you too hon.

[talaniman]

It doesn't matter what her issues are, just don't make them your issues.I would back off a bit, and pay more attention.

[jeffatl]

CHERY I will always say I will never get that far with a girl, but I hope I will be married some day. I think I have just learned NOT to get caught up in "feelings" to quickly. I know, I seem to always be in some sort of "situation" but that's just the hand I am given right now. I distance myself so much at the very first sign of trouble, but I don't take is as a bad thing because nothing has gone far enough to make my actions suspect. As I said before, my gut has always been right.

The funny thing is, I am always looking for my gut to be proven wrong. I always hold on as long as possible, looking for every little thing to just "fall in place" and take all my insecurities away, but that has yet to happen. The reason I come here all the time is because I can't sort my "situations" out rationally, or I don't like to look at things the way they really are.

The thing with this girl is, I see a lot of her issues in myself (talin you hit that right on the head). I think I want something solid so badly, I sacrifice logic for a possibility at love. With that said, I am lonely.

I know even the thought of me being lonely should be out of the question though. I have a ton of friends that care about me, and I am always dating someone... I just want more... and I think I feel "owed" for the crap I have been through. To be honest, it doesn't really bother me that this girl talks about her EX, it just makes me think about mine; and I think the whole point of something new is to help you move on from the past.

I don't think of myself as damaged, but I do carry my past with me. I am cautious and aware of the signs that have lead me to problems, but that line has become jaded and blurred. It almost seems now that I only go for girls that I know deep down will bring drama and posting on here.

The thing is with me, I torture myself for whatever reason that I have yet to figure out. I feel like I can never really relax with someone without feeling like I have to entertain them in some way... unless I have no interest in them. I never feel like I am not being myself, I just don't know why I put so much pressure on myself. I have lost the joy in getting to know someone, and set myself up for dissappointment from the beginning.

How do you break a habit like sabotaging yourself? I am walking proof of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The behaviors I engage in are just plain self destructive, and they always have been.

I just don't know if I can let myself enjoy being free to be myself, and not compete for someone's attention (I'm a leo, what do you expect?).

I guess the funny thing is, I always seem to know the answer to all my questions, I just never want to follow my own advice. I have always been the kind of person that does whatever they want, not what people tell me (I think the people that know me here see that).

I don't think I am hopeless, I am just being impatient and forcing things when I need to just allow them to happen. Wow, I guess I answered my own question huh? Too bad I know I won't follow it! HAHAHA!

Thanks to everyone that has helped me out, if anything... just the opportunity to vent is the biggest eye opener.

[talaniman]

I don't think I am hopeless, I am just being impatient and forcing things when I need to just allow them to happen. Wow, I guess I answered my own question huh? Too bad I know I won't follow it! HAHAHA!

Its hard to change from our old way of doing things. But being patient would help you imensley