[George_1950]

I believe you are investing too much time and dignity in attempting to prove yourself to this girl friend. I believe your are taking the 'simple' and making it 'complex'. You need to give the rest of the world an opportunity to be involved in your life; there are lots of people to know and over half of them are female. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I don't think it is proper to have a goal of getting someone back. It is like driving your car backwards in a freeway using your rear view mirrors.
You said: "So my plan remains, "Be the best I can be right now, without her. Live for myself. When the time is right charm her into falling in love with me again."
You need to delete, "... charm her into falling in love with me... " That ain't the way it works, IMOP.

[Robert7x]

I think about a week ago I thought like you and had exactly the same outlook on life. However, I came to realize that obsesing about something that is way out of your hands will only get you to have a mental breakdown. I'm only a month into my breakup and around 25days of no contact.

I too want my ex back even though she is with someone else, but I'm not going to do anything about it because she left me. She choose to end it not me. If I did anything at all to have her come back to me it wouldn't be true love. She would leave again after a while and I'm back to square one.

Think about it bud; you are going through what a lot of us went through at one point in time. You have to want it to get better and actually mean it. It seems that everything you're doing you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Nc isn't to bring your ex back as you and I and many others would like to believe. Nc is for you and you only. Its so you can heal and if its meant to be once you are all better maybe just maybe she would want you back.

To tell you the truth no matter how much I love my ex I don't want to be the backup plan to her. She gets to go out and explore while I wait? That! This is my life and I am worth something... You need to tell yourself that too.

I'm not healed by no means but I'm also not in that bad position like I was 2 and 3 weeks ago. Life goes on and you have to see all this as an experience and a reason to live and survive it. That's the only way you'll get better bud. You need to snap out of it and live! No girl will want you in the condition you are at.

Good luck to you

R

[homesick]

I understand all of this, I know that it's true. I want to believe that I'm good enough to be happy but I don't want to believe that there are other women out there. I have looked for years, and she was the only one I found that was worth anything. I know I'm still young, but I fell for lots of girls only to find out they weren't any good. She was the first and only that I could actually have a conversation with for more than a few weeks, and after 2 years we could still talk and laugh, and if only I hadn't been so messed up we could have been going out and making love and doing all the things that we wanted in life.

All the other girls that I fell in 'love' with I found out all to quickly that they weren't really what I was looking for. I found somebody to replace them very quickly. Even though I didn't have the confidence to actually replace them with somebody that wanted me, I just picked a new girl to idolize and put on a pedestal, so far I haven't found anybody that is in the same universe as her, so how can I replace somebody that I actually love? I could replace plenty of girls that I was just obsessed with, or that I liked a lot, or that I just wanted to have sex with.

I can't replace her with anything, not even anything inside of myself.

Every flaw that I find in her to try to make it easier to let her go doesn't help, it just makes me think about how I could help her overcome her weaknesses, I have an unconditional capacity to forgive her, whether I fully comprehend how she has sinned against me.

Even when I do reach a full understanding of how she has wronged me, I still hold onto my love and I accept that she is not perfect, I remember that when we talked about love we agreed that it's not about perfection, it's about improvement.

I can't fix mistakes I made in the past, and I can't make her love me by referring to the past either. I am trying to accept that she will never love me again no matter what I do, but my mind and heart rebel at the thought. Because I know that when she is with me, I become what she desires, it's not a conscious decision on my part to cater to her, it's what naturally happens to me, and it feels good. It's not about being wanted by her, it's about liking what I am when I feel that way, and it's about loving who she is when I affect her.

I can honestly say that I don't love who she is now, she is weak and unfaithful, she is not true to herself, she is even a little bit vengeful, but I know that if she gave me a chance, I would make her a better person, and we would both be happier about who she is. I know that she loves the man that she saw inside of me, she can't get rid of that love, it will never go away, and it will never get weaker, but she stopped believing in that person, that is why she settled for someone that was nearby. I tried to tell her before that the man inside of me was coming soon, but she didn't believe me, now I took away any hope she might have had, because I told her that he was going away. That man won't come unless she wants him to, I want to be that man, but it's not enough if only I want it, what can I do with that person, that man is not meant to be alone.

In order to be who I want to be, I need her. Hoping and waiting might make me something better than I am now, and letting go might make me something better than I am now, but nothing will make me as good as her desire for me to be something better. I won't be convinced otherwise.

[homesick]

I was hopeful last week because I had a potential date in the works and a social event to attend, I've lapsed into despair because the social event was a let down, the people in attendance were a mostly disappointing. I must be a snob because people constantly irritate me, I never seem to think that they are good enough to enjoy my company. Sure they like me and if I'm in a reasonable mood I can spin a tale and keep their attention for a while but it always boils down to them trying to top it in the end.

When I tell a story I'm not trying to suggest that any story the listener could tell is not as interesting, but that seems to be what most people are thinking when they try to share theirs.

I was looking forward to having a good time, and I did for a while but it just broke down until finally I didn't want to be around half of the people there anymore because they were boring and shallow. The rest went to another event that I was interested in but I didn't have the means to go along with them. I got so depressed that I gave up any other opportunities for new experiences that night.

The girl is another story, I'm still holding out for next week, but our schedules conflict, she works during the day I finish work right when she starts around 9am. Plus I have classes during the day so I must go to sleep very early in the evening. It's difficult to arrange a meeting when I go to bed right around the time that she would most likely like to do something. This weekend it isn't possible to meet up because she has gone on a trip.

So I still have my miserable life in tact, I maintain optimism, but I am continually let down.
At least when I was a pessimist I was pleasantly surprised once in a while.
I keep trying to occupy myself with my responsibilities and pleasant diversion, but I persist in using my loneliness to halfheartedly perform my tasks and to mope around when I should be having fun.

I don't have any accomplishments yet. Only opportunities that continue to fall through. I had a rough day last week because I failed a math test, small wonder because aside from my hectic life with little to no time to study, I continue to burden my mind with my ex and thus prevent myself from focusing at all.

Of coarse I could bottle up my emotions and stop posting here 10 times a day...
Maybe I'd have a little more time to study then. I can be a pretty useless person sometimes.

Oh well it's all up to me, nobody's going to give me the magic ticket out of here.

[homesick]

I keep trying to distract myself from her. My life is complicated enough without her popping in to my head every 5 seconds.

Is there a secret to getting her out?

I used to hate Mondays, but now I believe that Saturday is the worst day of my week. All this time, and I don't have the power or the choices to use it in a healthy way.
Today has been so insane, it hasn't felt this intense in so many days, I can't believe how I can go from pure denial one minute to acceptance the next and then twisting through all the anger and depression in greater intensity than I have felt since the beginning. All of this in the coarse of one or two hours. I am doing everything I can in order to cope. I'm trying to focus on my studies, or finding a counselor, or solving some of the other problems in my life, for example I can't log onto my college class, and I'm frustrated because I can't call tech support for it on the weekend. There are a lot of things that I don't have time to do all week but I can't do them on weekends because of regular business hours. I see my house of cards collapsing as soon as something like this happens because it's is so weak already that as soon as a little problem appears, it all seems hopeless, and I feel a stronger urge to call her than I ever have before.

So I reach out to my support channels, and all I get is four rings and a voice mail box from each one. I post here and it just gets me worked up. Math homework seems like a suitable distraction, but how long until the demon crawls back into my brain? Honestly, as riveting and exciting as algebra is, who doesn't think that a complex relationship problem is a more interesting problem to try to solve?

Once again I know what I'm supposed to do but I can't imagine how I will be able to keep this up. It drains me daily, I go a couple days without crying and then I fog up my car windows with my hoarse shouting and weeping. I still haven't slept for an entire night, I think four hours is the most I've been able to keep my eyes closed, I sweat so much that my sheets aren't damp, they are actually wet when I wake up. My eating habits aren't anorexic anymore, I eat like I'm trying to fill a void, and I hurt from eating too much and then having nothing for long periods.

No matter who I talk to I always come up with the same answers from myself. My circular logic draws me back down this painful path, and I refuse to change the way I think. I take a detour here and there, but I always drift back to the center of my frustration.

And the little voice says 'Call her. She will make everything all right.'
I rage at the thought, 'I know better, she'll think I'm a weakling, I can't let her see me this way.'
'But you can explain everything to her, she'll understand... ' the little voice persists.
'It doesn't matter what I say, it seems far to likely that she will only hear my pleading voice, trembling under all my strong assertions. I don't know for certain what she thinks of me our how she would react to my call out of desperation, (no matter how justified), but it isn't worth the risk'

It goes on and on, I've gone too far down the road of no contact to turn back now. I even doubt that statement. What if my being to proud to call her is keeping her distant? That could be all the more reason for her to invest her time in the other man instead of trying to keep her hold on me. I over analyze, I tie myself in knots with the frantic calculating.

[HistorianChick]

Oh well it's all up to me, nobody's gonna give me the magic ticket outta here.

Darlin,

You hold the golden ticket inside yourself. Inside your own head and heart. No one (not even this girl) can be that golden ticket for you.

I'm so sorry that you're still wrestling with the roller coaster emotions... but I completely understand.

Do you really think that this girl is the angel that you make her out to be? I mean, you've said all of her faults and mistakes, but all I'm getting is the "essence of her divinity" that causes you to beat yourself up in constant over-analyzing and calculating.

I hate to appear harsh (because I've been involved with one of those "divine creatures" and know EXACTLY how hard it is to believe their humanity), but once you realize that she is not divinity-in-a-nifty-package, worthy of your worship, you will be cured from all of this heartache.

No, let me rephrase that. Heartache is not cured. It is mended. Your heart will still be broken, but the heartache that you are putting yourself through will begin to heal... and that pearl will begin to emerge.

It's a brand new week. Go find your Wonka bar and grab hold of your Golden Ticket.

Cause remember... "Only YOU can prevent forest fires."

(Ok, probably WAAAAY too many cultural references for one comment, but oh well... I was never one for holding back! ;) ) Keep your chin up, homesick.

[homesick]

I know that I sound like a wishywashy person. I am going through cycles of emotional ups and downs. But with accepting the notion that I may never get her back, I also have to face the reality of my situation here. I wanted to paint a beautiful picture of how wonderful my life is going, and no doubt I have made progress but it's no walk in the park just yet, I have problems just like everyone else, and I choose to face them with the added burden of unrequited love. Yes that makes my life harder, yes I know most people think that it's stubborn or foolish or pitiable, some don't think it's such a crime but most of them tell me it will pass, and I'll find the strength to let go a day at a time. But a few of the crazies tell me that I just might love her enough to get her back, but love is not enough. They also say, that she'd be crazy not to want me back someday. I tend to agree because not only do I have enduring love for her, but I have drive, ambition, intelligence, and patience. And above all I have a plan. But plans are made to be changed, or improved upon.





In as simple a way as I can put it, the more she knows about me, the more likely she will want to know more, and she will desire me again.

Right now I don't know what her interest level is, but judging from my track record it's pretty low, and even if isn't dropping, her new boyfriend is not helping the situation.

My first plan of action is being carried out, build myself up. Can't do much more to make that go any faster, I'm working, I'm studying, I'm doing the best I can, and I'm pretty darn proud of how that's coming along, I wish it would go a lot faster, but I'm just a man not a miracle worker.

My next intention is to piqué her interest again, now as we all know, any attempt on my part will only appear to be an act of desperation. Even if I try to play it down it is doomed to failure because I am absolutely not ready to enter the friend zone with her.

So along with my genuine desire for self improvement I intend to make calculated records of all the positive things in my life and publicize them. I'll continue to do this until such time that I have determined how to maneuver this evidence of my recovery, and succession to her unsuspecting eyes. Once that happens she doesn't have to worry about getting my hopes up again for a new start with her, she'll see that I'm doing just fine without hanging on to her apron. Her curiosity will get the best of her, and she'll come up with some mundane reason to call me.
I have no doubts that if she sees my unleashed potential at work all sorts of flaws will magically appear in her new romantic interest and I will start to look like one very sorely missed opportunity.
Then she will have her opportunity to prove herself. I'll go easy on her, because as you all know I love her, and that is not bound to change soon. But I won't make it too easy for her, once she knows my true value I want her to show me that she is willing to make sacrifices for me. Not like she did before, when I was sick she could tell herself she stayed with me out of pity or because it was not convenient find a new man when I was living in her home. Now she will have no way to hide the fact that she will return to me out of pure desire, not convenience.

[HistorianChick]

Well, as I said a few posts back, You have a unique, literary kind of love. And, I commend you for it. It's a beautiful thing to behold. Unconditional love...

I truly hope that your happy ending is exactly what you wish it to be... but, in an attempt to fashion that beautiful happy ending, don't forget about making the journey beautiful as well...

[homesick]

I can honestly say that my plan is kind of sick.

I am trying very hard to enjoy my time alone, and appreciate the man I've become, I want to reward myself for being so strong, and patient, but instead I drive myself into fits of horrifying doubt and frustration because my unconditional love is not returned, and I am acutely aware that the woman I love is giving herself to another man. I have no way of knowing how often or if she is building a relationship with him, and I am aware that to some extent she is disrespecting me, I also know that I've made many excuses for her, but I believe that the past is relevant. I did tell her she could be with other people, with the full knowledge that she did not believe she was in love with me anymore. It doesn't matter if it was her that originally brought up the idea of me being with other women, I did not have to accept it, it may have been tempting, but I know now that I never wanted it, I may have believed when I was still deep in my addiction, but now I see that I didn't want anything of the kind, I don't want sex, I want love.

Another excuse I made for her is all my failings in the past, but I've been over them and I can accept that it is too much to ask somebody to be alone when they've stopped believing you can change. I forgive her for losing faith in me, I didn't give her anything to go on until it was too late. But there will always be another chance, most people believe that 2nd chances are rare, but I believe that we make our own opportunities.

I can't blame her for anything now because we've both said our goodbyes, and she just might think that I'm not coming back. In a way I'm not, a better version of me is coming.

I made her forget the way she felt about every man she had ever been with, I can do it again, even if one of those men is me.

I still have hope.

I think that my dad may have even thought up a crazy plan to help me get her back too. Which really surprises me because he seemed totally against it, and was encouraging me to call her just to let her know two things, 'I'm OK, and I still care."
I explained to him the logic of the Ask Me Help Desk philosophy and how that would hinder more than help, and he came around partially, but he insisted that I can't be sure of how she will react to anything, he's right about that.

So it's up to her now if she wants to call me. It's up to her boyfriend to see how long he can keep her distracted. And it's up to me to see if I can keep my life together and maintain the appearance of a well rounded guy until she calls or until I can let her go.

[George_1950]

Here, homesick, is some additional reading for you. Maybe it covers some issues from a different perspective: How to Get Over Your First Love

[homesick]

I appreciate that.

I was mostly aware of everything this article said, I can tally up the things I'm doing right and the things I'm doing wrong, but it helps to put things in perspective.

I am doing things that are only for me. That's good, but even if I do them for me I know that they are things that she would have appreciated in the past, and probably will be impressed by in the future, that may be bad, but it feels good anyway.

I have taken her off the pedestal. That's good, but I never expressed this too her, I should let that go, but I'm not able to yet. I forgave her before I thought about it long enough to understand what she did. That's bad.

I cry, oh man I have cried a lot. Every other trip I take in the car I scream and yell until I can't anymore, I don't know if that's good or bad.

I listen to lots of music, love songs, sad songs, happy songs, and some rockin songs just because.

I buckle down and take care of business. I should work on that a bit more though...


I'm cutting myself off from the extended forms of contact with her.




But even though I'm doing all these right and wrong things, one fact remains that is not solely my decision.

What was between us is not complete. We have business to take care of, like my possessions, and such. But the bigger issue to me is that the relationship did not run it's course, we hit a detour and had to split up, by all accounts that does not mean that we can never be together again. She said she didn't want to get back together but I said, 'we'll never get back together.

Things always change, and I hope that in this case time is my friend.
A year can change a whole lot of things. I choose to continue believing that I will win in the end, and that will make her the real winner.

I'm debating with myself for what issue I want to address, I can try to stop being jealous and let her go until I'm prepared to fight with everything I've got. Or I can try to pull strings until I get her back on my frequency. In my opinion both of these solutions will be difficult in undertaking but they are in essence the same, the only difference is timing.

[tnt76]

I'm a girl who was you... got married to my first love who dumped me many times for no particular reason while we were dating over 5 years. I always begged and begged until he took me back every time. We divorced and I still begged. I tried to move on, and dated other people, but whenever he wanted me, I made myself available to him. I always did anything he wanted and all the time he was with someone else behind my back. The last straw for me was when he came to my house and we "made love" and afterwords he told me he was on his way "out" on a date. I realized then that he was only using my care and passion for him to get what he wanted and that how "I felt" meant absolutely nothing to him... I made up my mind that very day that I would never never ever give myself to him again - not my body, not my mind, not one wasted moment thinking about him and me together again, and I haven't. It was actually a much easier decision to make than I thought it would be. I spent 10 years trying to make him love me... those were the wasted years in my life. Now I have spent the last seven years learning how to love myself and they have been the best seven years of my life. Unexpectedly, I found someone who loves and appreciates me just the way I am, and I have never in my life felt more love - I definitely never thought I would ever love anyone as much as I did my ex, but this is a million times more intense and beautiful than it ever was with him. I still have to see my ex weekly because we have a daughter together and live in the same town, but I don't feel anything for him but pity. Just an FYI... he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that. And I'm OK with that now. I don't want him back and I don't him to validate for me anymore. I know I am better off without him... You will be too... I just hope that it doesn't take you 10 years to move on like it did me.. . my advice... don't be actively searching for a replacement Miss Homesick... that will come when you least expect it... you should join a gym, take a karate class, cooking class, guitar lessons, join a pool league or dart team... anything that you enjoy or haven't tried before that will give you something to look forward to going to each week where you can meet people who enjoy the same types of things you enjoy... I met my new guy playing on a pool league... I had been playing for 3 years before I met him, but we hit it off right away and have been together ever since... got married 5 years ago and we just HAD to have a pool table at the reception... yes I played pool in my wedding dress... it was unforgettable. :) Best of luck to you homesick!

[George_1950]

tnt76 writes: "Just an FYI...he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that." What a sad prospect, but maybe if you cross paths in the old folks home, it will occur to him.

[homesick]

I hope I don't sound like I am not really paying credit to your advice, I am. I know that I sound like so many other people here that persist in believing that their situation is unique, and that the one they love is different, but I have so many valid reasons to believe that she is different. She wasn't 100% honest with me I admit that, but fear makes us do crazy things for the people we love, I wasn't honest with her in the past, because I was afraid she would reject me, but I was proven wrong, she didn't leave me when I finally told her the truth about my past. Because she had a vision of our future. A future where I would overcome my past and be a better man.

I'm honoring the faith that she had in me for that year, maybe I won't after a year has passed but I'm holding on until then just the same.

I don't want somebody that loves me just the way I am, I want somebody that cherishes every step I take towards being better. She is that person, she loved me more every time I did something that made me a better person in my own eyes. While we we're together every single thing that I did for myself made her more proud to be my woman, sometimes I changed for her, but 99% of the time, any improvement I made to myself came from my own heart and it made her swoon with affection for every way that I grew more confidant and happier with myself.

That is love.

We failed each other, but love is what makes people try again. I believe that she is worth another chance, because I never would have found out how wonderful a person I could be if she didn't see it first. She stuck with me a for a long time, even when she started to doubt that I could grow. I don't care what the reason she stayed with me was, I don't care if it was because she was afraid to be alone, or if she pitied me, I still think she deserves a chance to see what I've become and decide if she was right about me before. I love her now because I think she saw better than anyone else in the world how good I can be, and she reminded me that all I had to do was keep trying to be that person.

I am happy with who I am, but that won't last forever, I want to be better, and I don't want to settle for somebody that thinks I can't be better. I want to grow with somebody and sometimes growing hurts, but we're better for it in the end.

[HistorianChick]

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
-- Kahlil Gibran --

There is nothing wrong with believing yours is a love that will conquer all in the end. There ought to be more people like you.

[tnt76]

tnt76 writes: "Just an FYI...he has never apologized to me or said that he felt like he made a mistake in letting me go. As much as I had always wanted to hear that from him, I have come to the realization that he will probably never say that." What a sad prospect, but maybe if you cross paths in the old folks home, it will occur to him.

It is sad for him (my ex) I think. For me, it is a triumph realizing that I don't need his "stamp of validation" to know that I am a beautiful person, and to know that I did everything I could have done to keep our relationship together. I'm just saying that if Mr. Homesick is waiting for Miss Homesick to come to the sudden realization that she was totally in the wrong and that she is buying a plane ticket to AZ, that she has made the hugest mistake of her life, well... he shouldn't hold his breath.
I wish I had a friend at that point in my life that was honest enough with me to tell me the same thing. Sorry homesick, if I say anything that hurts your feelings, I can see that you are a very sensitive person, I truly just want you to know that the end of a relationship never means the end of anything... sometimes it is just the beginning of something truly wonderful.

[homesick]

I agree with you, I never would have had the discipline to unleash my potential if I didn't have this fire lit underneath me. And I'm not waiting for her to magically realize what a mistake she made, because she doesn't have all the facts, I believe our moment will come when my work is laid out before her, If that is still not enough for her, I hope by that time I am strong enough to move on.

[tnt76]

I have faith in you. I think you will be just fine, no matter what the outcome is. I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist or maybe a pastor or something. I did, and she really helped me to see that I needed to put my feelings first, that I needed to acknowledge them and understand them. It wasn't all advice giving or opinionated. I was surprised that she never once told me what to do or think. She just listened and asked questions that made me think about my situation. It really helped me put some perspective into my life that I didn't have before. I would go talk to her in a heartbeat if I ever had any trouble again. Most initial consults are free, so go talk to a few different ones and choose one who you feel comfortable talking to.

[homesick]

I feel like I'm learning what anger is,

I know that I passed denial a long time ago, I have tried to go through the steps of grief and I got them all mixed together, and I've tried like hell to avoid anger. Every few days it seems like I validate my reasons to be angry at her. Today I was raging because of things that I forgave her for already, they just seem to cut deeper all of a sudden. I was angry because she continued frivolous contact with me immediately after she told me she had been with other men, and she continued to agree to talk to me after she told me that she didn't want to be with me. Why did she do that, I know she can do better than that, I cannot believe that she just wanted to make sure I wouldn't kill myself. And now she is still not calling, but that's a mute point, what the hell do we have to talk about? I don't have the money to ship my things here, and anyway I don't want them back in America I plan on leaving here as soon as possible. And why would she go out of her way to ask me what she should do with my possessions, she has a guarantee that I will contact her again as long as she has all my things. The same should go for me, but it seems likely that the only reason she would contact me about that would be to tell me she needs to make room for someone else's things. That's a call I am dreading.

So I'm angry that she was still talking to me, and I'm angry that she's not talking to me anymore. HA HA

Is it really her that's confused or me...

So my point was this, I don't want to be angry at her. I know perfectly well that I have very good reasons to be angry at her, and I can make her appear in my mind as a thoughtless selfish, weak little mind-game-player. I even try not to make excuses for her anymore, but the fact remains that no matter how angry I get, no matter how badly she hurt me, I still love her and forgive her. I guess that I have to distance myself from her more because currently, my life does not have room for her. Studying and working are taking their toll on me, and I marvel over the fact that I haven't collapsed from the strain yet. So I am burying the extra weight that she has put on me, she'll have to wait, and if she calls now I just might have to tell her goodbye for real, because I can't take care of her now, I have my hands full.

Here is the ludicrous part, I finally set up a date this weekend with the girl I mentioned in earlier posts, she seems quite nice, if we hit it off I don't know what's going to happen though. Welcome to real life I guess.

I must admit that more than a small part of my motivation for meeting someone new is the notion that I might still be able to make a spark of jealousy from my ex. I have no idea how I could possibly accomplish that because we are not communicating anymore, and she has severed all of our ties with the exception of my possessions. But still, I'm ashamed that I partially intend to use a person for my own ends.

I also know that that is not my only motivation for seeking out this girl. I'm a sensitive person and I have a great deal of difficulty becoming intimate or even slightly personal with people unless I like them very much. There are exceptions of coarse, I constantly tell uncomfortably personal details of my life and relationship to people that I work with, I don't really know why, I think its because I don't concern myself with what they think because the majority of them will never leave their current position as manual laborers, while I will go on to an entirely different life once I finish college. I don't look down on people who choose to exist primarily as servants, I just think that I'm different from them because I want something more from my life than what they are satisfied with.

I do think that ambition is an admirable trait though, and it's one that I find many people lacking.

Well I hope that my true colors don't make anybody too angry at me, I'm just trying to get a feeling for how I really feel about my life. And I think I'm entitled to my opinion because I worked for every advantage that I have, I served in the army and that was not easy for me, and now I'm doing everything I can to make sure I don't have to break my back every day for the rest of my life just to scratch a few dollars together. I'm proud that I'm have the ambition to work hard for what I want and not to settle for what is easy. I am making a conscious effort to really see where I stand now that I don't base everything off her. My world can't revolve around her right? Of coarse she still has a great deal of lasting influence on me, and I am holding on to that influence with the stubbornness of a donkey, but I need to take a peak at my world without her in it once in a while right?

[HistorianChick]

Darlin, your world "without her in it" is an unwritten book.

It's that "novel with the end ripped out" (Rascal Flatts song Stand).

It's that unknown tomorrow, just waiting to be lived.

It doesn't revolve around a person, but around a possibility.

It is covered in a glow of uncertainty, imagination, and opportunity.

Dive into it...

Can't wait to hear about your weekend plans! :)