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LinnyT · Feb 3, 2006, 08:04 AM

My 16 year old adopted daughter, who has been with us 4 1/2 years and who has always been watched carefully by us due to previous issues of sexual abuse, neglect, promiscuity, sneaky behavior. etc. and who is very much functioning at the 12-13 year old level (IQ 86) and who is very literal in her cognitive abilities, decided three weeks ago to go stay at a friend's house 30 miles away, for a weekend of fun and frolic. She left with a bag packed before school, and never came home that day. After 24 hours we called police to help track her down, and I filed/signed a missing person report. Mind you she attends a Vocational School that encompasses an 18 town region. Went home with her friend on friend's bus. It was something I would have never allowed, given I have never met the friend or friend's parents. When police found my daughter, she ran, and was pepper-sprayed and cuffed, to subdue her. She began allegations of abuse by me, did not want to go home, etc. Was put in lock up for weekend until court on Tues. I believe she was "educated" by other girls during this ordeal, and is using the system now to get back at me. At court she maintained stance of abuse, fear, not wanting to go home, and CHINS was put on her, and case referred to DSS. 51A filed against me, which was screened out. However, she spent nearly two weeks in foster care, until they finally moved her to stay with our friends and former neighbors at our urging. Court comes up Tues. and hubby and I want our daughter home. Because she has up until recently, maintained this "I am afraid of mom" stance, I now have to have supervised visits, while my husband is allowed visits with her. I have done nothing wrong, and just want her home. She does say she wants to come home, eventually, but the pain and separation is killing me. Her little sister, 7, and little brother, 5, are taking it hard as well. Dad is trying his best to work some magic in this situation as he is able. My question, we go back to Court Tues where our CHINS will be dropped, but because my daughter was saying she was afraid to come home (what kid wouldn't be after what she pulled?), I am fearsome DSS will continue custody of her, obviously keep a CHINS on her, and continue this invasion in our lives that has been unwarranted from the start, and continue this charade of supervised visitation, etc. Note, I have not seen my daughter's face in three weeks, but she calls dad all the time and has seen him twice just this past week. She did finally call me two days ago, but she really seems to be "dancing in circles" around connecting with me. For example, spent time with her dad, called grandpa to wish him a happy birthday, met with her cousin, etc. I do not need supervised visits, as they insist must incur, and I do not need DSS in my life. All I need is the opportunity to see my daughter, and I know we can make this right. I do understand my daughter is retracting her fear statements, and explaining that she was very angry that we ruined her weekend and sent the police to find her. She was gone 24 hours! What could we do but get the police involved? Now, I pay a price, as I have always been the primary disciplinarian in the home, monitoring her progress, schooling, making the rules, etc. with minimal assist from my husband, as he works six days a week. Of course, she is migrating to him! Is there ANYTHING I can do or say at court to get my daughter home? If she needs more time, I respect that, and she can stay with these friends while I try to work things out with her... I just now have my life upside down with DSS dictating every move because of an angry child's allegations to start with. I would be agreeable to let her continue to stay with our friends, who, by the way, were CORI'd and are temporary "foster parents" now. We can work this out without DSS making me feel like a criminal. Is there anything I can say, in court, or to Probation, or to my daughter's appointed lawyer to get these adults to send her home, or to perhaps allow us to work this out with our daughter? Please help me! I have not slept in weeks and am literally sick over this situation. I know my child has rights, but what can I do as her mother?

talaniman · Feb 3, 2006, 09:46 AM

Hello Liny t.So sorry to hear of the distress your daughters' situation has caused you and your family.Unfortunately now that it is in the hands of the court and judge you must abide by their rules and whatever terms they put down.From what you wrote feel reassured that you have done the right thing to call the police and get them involved,and it is your daughters actions that have gotten dss involved,It is far too easy for children to cry abuse,but understand that these allegations must be investigated and resolved to protect children who have been abused.Your daughter has many issues and will need professional help to get her life straight ,and we as parents try to do the best we can by our kids and feel terrible when it is not enough.Abide by the rules set before you and work with them to help resolve your child's problems.Don't take it as an adverserial but an oppurtunity to get her the help she badly needs.:cool:

LinnyT · Feb 3, 2006, 02:38 PM

Thank you for your support, but how can they continue to make me the bad guy here when my daughter clearly lied out of anger? She is now saying she is not afraid to see me, just nervous about everything and needs more time away. We will do everything possible to help her. It is the lack of communication that is killing me. How can they continue to keep her from me? Do I have any rights at all? This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, next to adopting our three youngest children and my son leaving for Marine boot camp! UGH!

talaniman · Feb 3, 2006, 02:50 PM

I'm sure you understand that DSS must go through the process and they try to err on the side of caution.The rights of the child superseed anyone rights or opinion now.That why my advice was for you to use their resources to help your daughter with her issues since it is her who is the driving force behind all of this.Forget about rights for a moment and make sure the state gets your daughter professional help that is the important thing now.:cool:

Fr_Chuck · Feb 3, 2006, 03:35 PM

First you need to get yourself cleared of this charge, this can effect future job posibilities and if you are a gun person the right to own a pistol in many states.

With the DSS or their many names in other states you are almost considered guilty unless proved innocent and they they really think you are guilty just that they can't prove it. In reality this girl needs to recant and tell the truth.

And she also needs to know she has a price to pay for lying, so having to stay in the DSS may be actually the right punishment. It is obviouis this girl has either emotional or mental issues that needs professional help.

You really need to hire an attorney to be sure first you are not fouind guilty of this and that you are cleared of all charges against you. Also the attorney would know what to file if it is possible to get the girl released.

I would expect after she is allowed to come home, DSS will require home visits. ( actually I am surprised with other children in the home they have not already done them.

LinnyT · Feb 3, 2006, 06:28 PM

Hi,
They have made one visit to us, and are coming again next week, and again the week after to meet with my husband and I. The 51A allegation was screened out, which means they are not pursuing. The clincher is my daughter saying she was afraid of me, so you are right, they are erring on the side of caution. It just bums me out that I am cleared of this, yet they allow her to continue the noncommunication until she is "ready". I know a supervised visit is forthcoming, probably in the next week or so. And, it will be interesting to see my daughter's reaction to me at court on Tuesday. That will be the first day I see her. We will retain counsel after Tuesday, if this continues. I believe the State understands this child needs help, and consider her a runaway as she packed a bag. So, counseling will be forthcoming for her, and we have also booked two appointments for ourselves, one coming up Tuesday afternoon after court. Figured that day would be so exasperating that it would be a perfect day to book an appointment. I just do not understand that they tell me the 51A is cleared, yet she can see her Dad unsupervised, but because she said she was AFRAID of me back in the beginning, you are right, they are being cautious, is all. Ironically, we adopted one child through them! Any good ideas for us for court on Tuesday. I am assuming the police CHINS will be dropped, but then DSS will continue their own CHINS and custody. I just wish they would stop treating me like a criminal, even though I am cleared. I guess what my daughter says in court to recant, will be the clincher. Any other opinions or ideas are certainly welcome. THank you both for your support and opinions. Can you tell me how to stop crying? LOL

talaniman · Feb 3, 2006, 06:44 PM

We do not always know what God has in store but we do know he watches over us and protects us,so stop worring and do what you have to ,after all more than your daughter requires your attention!:cool: :)

tkrussell · Feb 3, 2006, 07:19 PM

Only my opinion, but clearly the child has either not connected with you , or has lost connection over the few years you cared for her. I realize your feelings for her, seems for some reason she does not feel the same, or is very vindictive to be able to use the fear factor to shed responsibility for her actions.

If you are truly innocent, hold your head high in court and anywhere you go for that matter. State Child protective services are usually a bureacuracy with hourly or salary people that tend to keep low and use extra caution, until told otherwise.

Find an attorney with custody and/or family law/relations experience and he will probably petition the court to have your daughter's case reviewed. It is the state's burden to prove your guilt. There are many witnesses available to either back her claim or ultimately disprove her claim. These witnesses are also available to prove your innocence. USE THEM!

Who adopted her, and others ? You
Who allowed you to adopt? State
Who called authorities? You

Be sure they know you volunteered to apply for counseling.
Do not mention she is a runaway, reinforces her claim.
Ask attorney to request immediate custody or demand state prove their case quickly so the family unit is restored as quick as possible.
Implore the court to impose counseling for the daughter immediately.

You need to postponed the crying, and get ready to clear yourself. Collect your thoughts, and anything else you can muster to display your parental abilities and honor.

Not sure what the husband should do or any opinion of him may be, jury is still out on him, no pun intended.

I cannot imagine the pain you are in, feeling violated and betrayed by your daughter, and missing her all at once. But you know she is safe, so you must concentrate on yourself now. Try your best to store your emotions and clear your head to be ready to begin this unfortunate turn in your life. Hopefully your husband will go with you and support you in any way he can.

You can cry all you want once your daughter is home in her bed, until then I wish you the best.

LinnyT · Feb 4, 2006, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

We do not always know what God has in store but we do know he watches over us and protects us,so stop worring and do what you have to ,after all more than your daughter requires your attention!:cool: :)

\
I know and this is certainly a real test from God right now. I am learning so much, yet at the same time, agonizing over the unknown. The 10 stages of grief really apply right now, and they are tough to deal with. I am trying not to worry. Believe it or not, since the opinions and support that I have received from virtual strangers on this board, it has helped me to put more into perspective. So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

LinnyT · Feb 4, 2006, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by tkrussell

Only my opinion, but clearly the child has either not connected with you , or has lost connection over the few years you cared for her. I realize your feelings for her, seems for some reason she does not feel the same, or is very vindictive to be able to use the fear factor to shed responsibility for her actions.

I believe you are right here. The past is probably coming into play for my daughter, and there are previous issues of being very let down by biomom and by other women in her life. I am sure she is struggling, and if anything, this brings it to the front burner (awful way to have it happen!) so that we can help her the best we can.

If you are truly innocent, hold your head high in court and anywhere you go for that matter. State Child protective services are usually a bureacuracy with hourly or salary people that tend to keep low and use extra caution, until told otherwise.
Yes, I will. I have nothing to be ashamed of, but they sure can make you feel otherwise! UGH! LOL

Find an attorney with custody and/or family law/relations experience and he will probably petition the court to have your daughter's case reviewed. It is the state's burden to prove your guilt. There are many witnesses available to either back her claim or ultimately disprove her claim. These witnesses are also available to prove your innocence. USE THEM!

Who adopted her, and others ? You
Who allowed you to adopt? State
Who called authorities? You

Be sure they know you volunteered to apply for councelling.
Do not mention she is a runaway, reinforces her claim.
Ask attorney to request immediate custody or demand state prove their case quickly so the family unit is restored as quick as possible.
Implore the court to impose councelling for the daughter immediately.
I want to see what court brings on Tuesday, because of the CHINS right now, it is out of our hands. BUT, I will make sure they are all very clear that she was out for a fun weekend, prepared for dealing with the consequences when she returned home, and NOT running away! If they could drop that CHINS, she could come home. I fear DSS will just petition to continue a CHINS for her, under their custody, and once that occurs, I will call an attorney. So thank you. I do not think we can get someone quick enough for Tuesday, perhaps I can try this weekend or on Monday. Any other suggestions?

You need to postponed the crying, and get ready to clear yourself. Collect your thoughts, and anything else you can muster to display your parental abilities and honor.

Not sure what the husband should do or any opinion of him may be, jury is still out on him, no pun intended.
HE is lucky he has bits and pieces of her right now. He understands my pain, but has something to look forward to, which makes the separation a bit easier for him. But, I have a supervised visit to look forward to, once they get it on the calendar, and then I believe things will begin to get better for me too. Absence is so tough to deal with. Especially an absence I cannot control right now. Hard, but I am dealing the best I can!

I cannot imagine the pain you are in, feeling violated and betrayed by your daughter, and missing her all at once. But you know she is safe, so you must concentrate on yourself now. Try your best to store your emotions and clear your head to be ready to begin this unfortunate turn in your life. hopefully your husband will go with you and support you in any way he can.
Yes, you are right. Seeing her, any mom would cry I am sure, but as far as keeping my feet firmy planted on the ground, I am ready. I will DO THIS!

You can cry all you want once your daughter is home in her bed, until then I wish you the best.

Gotcha there. I have a goal of getting my daughter home, and little ones who need me. Right now, I need to get balanced, so here goes, and wish me luck! LOL Thank you for all your opinions and honesty, it really helps alot!

Fr_Chuck · Feb 4, 2006, 08:19 PM

I will relate to everyone a story that happened to me about 10 years ago.

There was a teen ( several) who had wrote "gang" symbols in the street corner by my home. They wrote this with paint, I went out after they wrote it and washed it out with gasoline. I did not want my neighborhood maked as gang property.

Well a couple teens came back to my property with baseball bats to discuss this issue with my windows and door. After talking the bat away from one of the teens the other one ran away. I held the one teen till the police showed up. Now of course to get the bad away from him and to "ask" him to stay till the police came it may have happened that he had to bounce off the ground and the house a few times.

Well the police took him away and I called my insurance company to file a claim.

Next day the chidren and family service sent a lady to my home, said she was investigation my abuse of this poor child. The child was 6 foot 1 in tall and was swinging a baseball bat. But he was 15. She said that she had to come in and inspect my home and talk with me. I asked her to get off my property and she refused, I called the police on her and they escorted her off my property since she had no warrant or court order.

I then went straight to my attorney since I knew there would be trouble.

I knew just enough not to answer any questions at all and have my lawyer answer any and all questions. This does not makeyou look guity, only keepsyou from saying something stupid if you are innocent.

Well it took a while, but yes the child welfare people treat you like you are dirt and always guilty. I would have liked to get her locked into the cell with this poor child for a few hours

It if so irritating that they will take hours and days of investigation on people wo do nothing, but never investigate people who are really abusing with lots of evidence their children.

yesitsme · Apr 11, 2007, 02:22 AM

You sound just like my mother that abused me for 14 years. Luckily, I ran away at 15 and made a better life for myself now that I'm 22. If it wasn't for me running away I would be so messed up right now. You need to check yourself before you act like the innocent mother