[pasiria]

My mother is turning 65 next month. I'm an adult who lives about 150 miles away from her. My little sister moved in with here for about 9 months. She just moved out and rented an apartment. The problem with my mom is that she talks really bad about me with my little sister and my big sister. Then she turns to me and talks really bad about them. She then call my big sister and talks about me and my little sister. I loved my grandmother so much, I practically grew up with her, with her acting as my mother. Last month I made her a flower arrangement, that everyone thought it was fantastic. It was very expensive too. And my art skills are advanced. She saw it and said it was very pretty. As soon as I left, she started mocking it, saying that the colors didn't match. My mother is not familiar with the color wheel and contrast colors, but she thought they didn't match. She is always bitter with us, the 3 sisters, but worships a brother whom she cooks for and is always in a nice mood with. She is always screaming at us. If we try to say something, like we have in the past, she starts crying and playing victim and my day get furious and threatens to kick us out next time we visit. I wish I could tell her that my grandma loves that arrangement, just like she use to love the roses I always took her when she was alive. I can't say anything! It's just sad.

[twinkiedooter]

I feel sorry that you and your mom don't get along. It sounds like mom has a lot of emotional issues going on that she just cannot handle right now. You cannot compare her to your grandmother as that is not fair to either one of them. Your best bet is to just leave her alone and don't force yourself upon her if she doesn't want your company (or pulls the nasty talk behind your back when you leave thing).

My mother used to say "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives." is so true. Your mom sounds like she was not the greatest of moms to begin with so don't beat yourself up over it and just accept her for the way she is and just try and visit her as little as possible until she either gets worse or gets better. She is your mom and you love her but you don't have to like her and her abuse.

[George_1950]

pasiria writes: that her little sister "just moved out and rented an apartment", after living with her mother for about 9 months. It sounds like your mother is angry and harsh; it may be that she is not emotionally well. That is a drawback for people who are isolated; it is not good to live alone and away from others. I don't really know if it is a 'cause' or an 'effect'. On a lighter note, I recall someone saying that there isn't room under one roof for two women. Do you have two sisters and a brother? Perhaps you all can come up with a care plan for your mother, where you visit individually on a regular basis; and then altogether twice a year. Try to plan some events for her that she will enjoy to get her outside.

[N0help4u]

She is most likely miserable with her life and takes it out on you and your sisters. Other than you and your sisters going and all telling her together that you don't appreciate how she puts each one of you down to the other I think you just have to accept that this is the way she is.
Talking about others and doing the things she is doing and then playing the victim is passive/aggressive behavior. Usually people that use passive/aggressive tactics aren't aware that they do this but they seem to have it down pat because it is a behavior pattern they have gotten away with for so many years. Over the years people leave it alone because they don't see the harm they think "Thats just mom for you" But as they develop the characteristics they become worse and by the time you realize it it is too late to change them because then they are
To the point they cry victim because they see it as you attacking their character.

Passive-Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality: People with a passive-aggressive personality behave in ways that appear inept or passive. However, these behaviors are actually ways to avoid responsibility or to control or punish others. People with a passive-aggressive personality often procrastinate, perform tasks inefficiently, or claim an implausible disability. Frequently, they agree to perform tasks they do not want to perform and then subtly undermine completion of the tasks. Such behavior usually enables them to deny or conceal hostility or disagreements and get the desired results they want making it a no win situation for others.

These are some things you need to keep reminding yourself

"This is their problem, I will not make it mine."

"I'm not going to allow anyone to dictate my feelings."

"They want me to fight with them, I won't let myself get sucked into it."

"Their need to be difficult is a cover-up for their own inadequacies."

"I have the choice to play or not this game."


This book is dealing with the passive/aggressive man but I am sure the scenerio is the same.
Amazon.com: Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Books: Scott Wetzler

[pasiria]

Hi,

Thank you so much. I've been staying away from her. I can no longer trust her with personal stuff. She mocks me as soon as I leave. It hurts me so much. Well, I just found out the vase I made for my grandma, which she was critizicing, broke. She said it was my fault for leaving it there, that I should have placed it else where. It broke in the room that use to be mine and grandma's. Thanks for the great advice.

[George_1950]

So the vase just broke and it was your fault? Quite a situation. I wonder whether your mother has had a physical recently, and what her emotional history might be. Whoever is getting along with her the best should think about accompanying her on her next doctor visit.

[pasiria]

Hi, Thank you George for your post. I once very politely suggested that she get hormonal therapy or anti-anxiety pills. She said she had never or will ever take to pills, that she was fine. As long as she is in denial, my hands are tight. Ever since I've known my mom, she's been like that. It is never her fault, ever. I also wonder what kind of childhood she had. She was adopted by a very rich couple in mexico about 60 years ago. I mean they had a personal plain! I don't know much about it. But, one I bet it was not a good experience, since once she cried and said that when she first arrived, they trimmed her bald to cure the bugs in her head and that she had to wear a handkerchief. I can imagine her humiliation and degradation. At around 16 she was reunited with her real mom and never left her side. My grandma lived with us, but was like a maid for her. She did everything around the house and baby sat and never took time for herself. Then finally when my grandma started adult day care, she met a man she fell in love with and they started dating. My mom kicked her out of the house. She was with this man for 4 years until he died of cancer. He was not a good man, he molested a child while living with her, but she never knew that, and she loved him until her last breath when in a hospital room I eased her pain and kissed her good bye. It is sad that abuse just recycles. My siblings have all been abused too by her and my dad. But, we decided to fight hard to break the cycle and my siblings are not hard on their children, at least not physically.