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nooky · Jan 21, 2008, 03:32 PM

My marriage has broken down . He won't talk he says I make him miserable but he won't do anything about it. I want things sorted but just don't know where to start .

rachel101 · Jan 21, 2008, 03:58 PM

Been there. Fortunately for me there were no children to consider, well except for him. If there had been kids I want to believe I would have made it work or stuck it out but that's just talk coming from someone who never "stuck it out". I think if there are kids and your relationship or "non relationship" isn't making them miserable then I think you have an obligation to try and work it out. Maybe totally insist on going to counseling. If you don't have kids then make other plans, plans to be happy.
In my opinion life is too short to spend too many days being miserable, especially if it's a no win situation and if he's not willing to work on it with you, then it may be a no win situation.
Although... your plea for help was very vague. Maybe you are the reason the marriage is falling apart.

donf · Jan 21, 2008, 06:25 PM

Dear nooky(?)

Aren't you flat out amazed to know that you can make your husband so miserable he will never be the same again.

Dear lady, it's not you. It's him! You might be able to make it a little worse, but he owns how he feels and why he feels that way.

Next time he pulls that trash on you just tell him, Okay, I'm willing to help, to listen and to talk with you. But I cannot watch you be so miserable so I'm going to sit in the park for a little while.

nooky · Jan 22, 2008, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by rachel101

Been there. Fortunately for me there were no children to consider, well except for him. If there had been kids I want to believe I would have made it work or stuck it out but that's just talk coming from someone who never "stuck it out". I think if there are kids and your relationship or "non relationship" isn't making them miserable then I think you have an obligation to try and work it out. Maybe totally insist on going to counseling. If you don't have kids then make other plans, plans to be happy.
In my opinion life is too short to spend too many days being miserable, especially if it's a no win situation and if he's not willing to work on it with you, then it may be a no win situation.
Although... your plea for help was very vague. Maybe you are the reason the marriage is falling apart.

Well its such along story . And yes kids are invovled and is affecting the oldest one . I know I'm part to blame no one is perfect . But he is very diff.

rachel101 · Jan 22, 2008, 04:31 PM

Hey Nooky, Well I guess you just need to decide if you and the kids are better off with or without him. Better of emotionally and spiritually. Then do what you have to do to make the best life for your children. Of course both parties have blame in a relationship for the good and bad but if he just doesn't want to make it work. I think whether it's a country, a business or a household the general attitude comes from the top and everyone feels it. If he doesn't want to be a contributing member of the family in a positive way then tell him to shape up or you will end it. Find a counselor and tell him when to be there or it's over. Lay down the law for the well being of the kids.

peggyhill · Jan 22, 2008, 04:52 PM

I would give counseling a shot. Even if he won't go, you might benefit from going. If nothing else, at least the counselor can help you figure out ways to help your kids deal with it all as well as ways to deal with the stress...

Just try to explain to him that you see that this is starting to hurt your kids. Tell him that, for their sake, you really would like him to go to counseling with you. Good luck and hope all works out!

wewed100606 · Jan 23, 2008, 12:13 PM

nooky,
I feel your pain. I am in a very similar situation to what yours sounds like. Our situation is almost entirely my fault, but she is shutting me out and I believe there are some underlying mental health issues as well. Needless to say, I hope you love your husband as much as I love my wife. We just need to hang in there until a solution presents itself one way or another. I know for my children's sake I am not willing to call it quits until I have exhausted every possible angle. I wish you the best of luck! I think counseling would be great for you guys... I can't get my wife to go quite yet, but I think she is getting there.

nooky · Jan 23, 2008, 05:08 PM

Originally Posted by wewed100606

nooky,
I feel your pain. I am in a very similar situation to what yours sounds like. Our situation is almost entirely my fault, but she is shutting me out and I believe there are some underlying mental health issues as well. Needless to say, I hope you love your husband as much as I love my wife. We just need to hang in there until a solution presents itself one way or another. I know for my childrens sake I am not willing to call it quits until I have exhausted every possible angle. I wish you the best of luck! I think counseling would be great for you guys...I can't get my wife to go quite yet, but I think she is getting there.

I'm at my wits end and just don't know what to do I have booked in at relate today to go on my own . He is so diff he is so controlling . If I ask him to do something he won't but if I decide OK you won't I will that is wrong and he won't let me and if I do all hell breaks loose and he ends up chucking things or ruin what I have done. He was arrested last year for attacking me. I just don't know what to do I love him but I can't carry on like this anymore . I want to be happy we are only here once .he has been depressed and left his job and I know he worries about things but I just don't know if I can carry on any more . There is lots more to it . The last words he said to me were rot in hell fatty .

talaniman · Jan 26, 2008, 07:58 PM

Sounds like abuse, so he has to go. Or you do!

wewed100606 · Jan 27, 2008, 09:03 AM

I would say with a physical side to things you should probably at the very least separate and tell hime he needs to get help before you are going to try and stick it out. If you want to tell him you will be his side andhelp him through whatever he is going through, but you can't put yourself in harms way babe! I love you too much to hear about you doing such a thing! Just know people need help at different times in their lives, some pople are smart enough to get the help, some have people who love tem enough to brig them the help, but others will refuse it no matter what. I that is the case they need to wallow in their own misery until they snap too... if ever. It is a tough thing to watch, but nothing you can do. You can lead a horse to water!

s_cianci · Jan 27, 2008, 10:28 AM

Is there a trusted friend or relative you (and the kids, if any) could stay with for a while? If so, pack up and leave him a note to the effect that, since communications have broken down in your marriage, you'll be going away for a while and that you'll return soon and hopefully he'll be willing to talk things out. After a week or 10 days, return. Then see if he's willing to talk. If he is, then you have your starting point. If he isn't, then that's a pretty good sign that your marriage is over and you'll have to cut your losses and move on.