[upset17]

Yeah, it's so difficult to walk away though, really get on well, have always been good friends and love being with each other.

He's 30, 6 years older than me.

I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I don't want to land up heartbroken.

He rang me last night completely paranoid (like I was last week) that I didn't want to see him anymore. All I want to do is comfort and reassure him... but at the same time not put my heart on the line. How can I protect myself without coming across as too cold?

[talaniman]

By being honest with him, and yourself, setting boundaries, and sticking to them, and NO SEX, it's the sex that will keep false hope alive, and intensify the already intense feeling you have. And just when you give him your heart, he will feel better about moving on with his life. If he cares he would go along with YOUR timetable without the pressure of sex, so don't put yourself in those positions. Put your own protection, above his physical needs, because trust me, his healing from a 10 year relationship will take a while. A long while. Don't fall for that "I love you" stuff like a school girl, wait and see how he handles his problems himself. Don't be his rebound relationship, you deserve better. He looks good now, but look deeper.

[upset17]

Thanks a lot for all your help.

SPoke to him last night and made my feelings clear about the sex issue, he was really respectful and said he didn't want to pressure me.

We discussed how he was last week and he said he felt nostalgic rather than missing his ex, and that he had made it clear to her that there was no chance for them. He said he felt our relationship was getting better all the time and that he wanted to keep the logistical problems with his ex separate to his relationship with me... all good!

We had a really good time together last night and got on really well, lots of laughter etc. Is it OK for me to carry on with that- just enjoying his company?

[talaniman]

It takes time to get to know someone, and rushing things to fast can be a heartbreaking disaster. It takes 6 months to a year to know someone enough to be really able to trust and communicate. You special problem is the 10 years he spent with his wife, and just my opinion, The few months he has been away from her is not sufficient to get over that experience. Eventually that makes you his rebound, the one who brings his ego and confidence back as he licks his wounds from his failed relationship. Those rebound relationships seldom work out, and why I am sure you should enjoy getting to know him, I mean have fun, but don't be blinded by intense feelings, that stops you from paying attention, when warning signs appear. Just go slow and protect yourself, as these things always start so nice, as people show you their good side. It can turn quickly, if your not alert. Do you know why he is divorcing? His version any way.

[upset17]

He is not married, they did live together though.

He left her fundamentally because he had feelings for me (he did not cheat on her physically with me). We went away on a break with work and something just clicked. I didn't encourage him at all, I was very wary of getting involved. Within a week of getting back he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore because he felt that things must be very wrong if he had feelings for someone else. But in addition to his feelings for me, he says they were floundering a bit as a couple, he felt quite tied down, he didn't want to marry her and think she was more that way inclined. Think he realises it may have something to do with turning 30 in August, but having been his friend for a long time I know he's been unhappy with her for a while, she cheated on him 4 years ago and despite them working through it she was quite clingy and their personalities clashed somewhat (I know them both).

[upset17]

More help needed... he's been really attentive until yesterday when he seemed very down, said he was just hating Monday but essentially it means whenever he's in a bad mood he drags me down with him. Hardly slept last night for worrying. But when it's god it's SO good, we have such a nice time together, I just can't relax when he's like this, I'm on edge. I'm supposed to be seeing him at lunch for a chat, how do I put this across? I don't want to seem nasty or needy... I think my moods are getting in the way of things too as when I get worried I can be very abrasive. Ugh I hate this, it's driving me to distraction, but I really love being with him when everything's normal.

[ISneezeFunny]

To be honest, I feel that you're constantly worried about him breaking up with you. That's no way of having a relationship. As of right now, your boyfriend is going through a breakup. You might as well read the two stickies under the relationship forum to see what he's going through. Does he like you? I think so. Does he like his ex? Maybe. Is he over his ex? Unlikely.

At this point, I feel that he's stuck between a rock and a hard place. When you see him, don't be needy. Don't "bring things up" for a talk. Just act normal. This way, he won't be put off by your neediness and he'll feel like he can turn to you for support.

If you don't like him when he's down like this, you may need to break it off... as he'll be this way for at least a month or two. Rule of thumb: if the relationship is under 5 years, give 1 month for every year. If the relationship is over 5 years, give 2 months for every year.

He may be a trouper... he may take a month or two.

[upset17]

Thanks, you're right, I think when he's distant I always take it very personally, it's been so good over the last week as I decided to just get on with enjoying my own life but then today I've just plummeted. He's been so lovely to me and not given me any real reason to worry but it's like a worm infects my brain and eats away at all myself confidence. Despite him being fine with me I'm shaky and exhausted with worry, I'm beginning to think my mind is warped. Do you have any tricks for easing this paranoid feeling? I can't eat, my stomach's flipping.