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mooseontheloose · Jan 9, 2008, 03:18 AM

My wife of 2 years now tells me she "loves me" but is not in love with me"

we have been together for over 3 years and have had a regular sex life..almost every day and occasionaly more often....i have almost always initiated the move to sex and we have had a frank discussion about this more than once. she says she enjoys sex but will seldom initiate the sex. now after 2 years of marriage she tells me she doesent want to have sex with me!...that sh loves me like a friend or brother but doesent want o have seax because she is tired of the "duty sex" and the "guilt of deceiving me all these months... I have no desire to live in a sexless marriage, but I do love my wife and it is very painfull to end this relationship!

Is this concept a reality? I can't seem to get my head around it... if it were true, how could she have consented to marriage and a lifelong commitment?

simoneaugie · Jan 9, 2008, 03:49 AM

I assume that she does not enjoy sex, not the way you do anyway. Women fake it all the time. They even fake it on their wedding night. After a couple of years of the mess and the monotony women give up pretending. If she was really enjoying sex she would want it to continue. Well, most would. The good news is that sex can become orgasmic for her with a little learning on your part.

Let her know that you do not want the marriage to end but a marriage without sex is not what you can live with. Maybe she'll work with you. Some counselling may help too.

N0help4u · Jan 9, 2008, 08:08 AM

I call what you call "duty of sex" "doing what he wants" or "same old same old".
Try finding what really turns HER on... if it isn't too late.

She may be low on amino acids and have some nutritional deficiencies that are making her feel depressed, run down or even just "not in the mood"

Try buying her some good dark chocolate (60 per cent cocoa) too... and maybe some roses to go with it for Valentines day.
Don't want to over do the chocolate.

Read through these and see if they give an answer

Vitamins To Increase Libido

herbs for low sex drive in women - Mamma Metasearch

mooseontheloose · Jan 9, 2008, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by simoneaugie

I assume that she does not enjoy sex, not the way you do anyway. Women fake it all the time. They even fake it on their wedding night. After a couple of years of the mess and the monotony women give up pretending. If she was really enjoying sex she would want it to continue. Well, most would. The good news is that sex can become orgasmic for her with a little learning on your part.

Let her know that you do not want the marriage to end but a marriage without sex is not what you can live with. Maybe she'll work with you. Some counselling may help too.

She enjoys sex but does not initiate it... she also has an online fantasy that she somehow is "passionate" about although she has only met him in person once.. im assuming he is still in the background, although I'm not certain... I had read a bunch of erotic im's last summer and he was urging her to come to him!

We have just now come to a crisis.. she tells me she will not have sex with me.. and that it has been doing her duty.. that she has never been in love with me, although she does love me!

mooseontheloose · Jan 9, 2008, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I call what you call "duty of sex" "doing what he wants" or "same old same old".
Try finding what really turns HER on......if it isn't too late.

She may be low on amino acids and have some nutritional deficiencies that are making her feel depressed, run down or even just "not in the mood"

read through these and see if they give an answer
Try buying her some good dark chocolate (60 per cent cocoa) too....and maybe some roses to go with it.

Vitamins To Increase Libido

herbs for low sex drive in women - Mamma Metasearch

What does not turn her on is me!. I find the whole "I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, JUST A COPOUT!

thischarmingman · Jan 9, 2008, 08:42 AM

Yes bit is a cop out! Call her bluff, give her what she wants, and offer to leave her, if she accepts this offer walk like a proud man who is in control of his own destiny!!

N0help4u · Jan 9, 2008, 08:48 AM

Ahhh she has someone else... if nowhere else at least in the back of her mind... and she is basically choosing him over you. Short of counseling and her wanting to make it work with you she will probably continue to let the thought of this guy tie up her emotions and you will be left right where she wants you... as a roommate.
Other than counseling and her wanting to make it work she will most probably actually meet the guy and then if she realizes he isn't the fantasy guy she thinks he is she may want to make it work. If he is everything she wants she may get on with her life in a new direction. I agree with charming man unless you are willing to be a roommate and see where it goes.

George_1950 · Jan 9, 2008, 08:53 AM

You wrote: "i do love my wife and it is very painful to end this relationship!" I am sorry that your relationship has come to this point. Have you visited the "Relationship" topic on this site? It has some really great resources for breaking up that may help.

Sounds like her conscience caught up with her; now I tend to be a bit curious and would like to know why, although it may not matter. You can suggest counseling; if she doesn't go for that, then someone will have to start packing.

mooseontheloose · Jan 9, 2008, 09:37 AM

My real question is: can you really love someone without having first been in love with them>?

George_1950 · Jan 9, 2008, 09:47 AM

You can fall into love and then fall out of love. Some fake falling into love, or just think, "This must be love", and then for some reason end the relationship. My own belief is that if a woman loves you, you can trust her. If she doesn't love you, watch your back. The key is how do you know whether she is or isn't. One way is whether you are confused or have a funny, sick feeling in your stomach. A girl in love with you will not leave you feeling confused.

N0help4u · Jan 9, 2008, 10:04 AM

Yes "I love you" but "not in love with you"
Means "I care about you, I have feelings of emotional attachment, BUT I'm not in love with
you in a sexual way the way I may have thought I might have been at one time." "I appreciate and admire everything we have been through together" "BUT I want my own life separate from you"

It is in a sense a copeout in that they are trying to let you down easy.

Many times some women will fall in an emotional love of what they think love is
It can even in its lowest form be I love you more than my family and I am desperate for you to rescue me out of my situation. That is why many girls think they are in love and marry the first guy to rescue them.

mooseontheloose · Jan 9, 2008, 10:07 AM

The other part of this puzzle.. I am in my second marriage and she in her 3rd... she was in an unbelievably abusive relationship in both of her 2 marriages... early in our relationship she told me she felt uncomfortible with me because the "familiar" abusive patterns to her were "comfortible, and being in a "good" relationship seemed foreign to her. as far as i can see the "new man" in her life is as bad as any in her past...sends her graphic sexually stimulating im's etc...could her rejection of me now be just a throwback to her earlier relationships and a desire to return to this abusive model...ie she thinks she does not deserve a :good" relationship?

N0help4u · Jan 9, 2008, 10:13 AM

Yeah some girls see the abusive guy as adventurous and a good relationship as a complacent rut. Some girls never out grow that

ordinaryguy · Jan 9, 2008, 10:57 AM

Originally Posted by mooseontheloose

the other part of this puzzle..i am in my second marriage and she in her 3rd...she was in an unbelievably abusive relationship in both of her 2 marriages...early in our relationship she told me she felt uncomfortible with me because the "familiar" abusive patterns to her were "comfortible, and being in a "good" relationship seemed foreign to her. as far as i can see the "new man" in her life is as bad as any in her past...sends her graphic sexually stimulating im's etc...could her rejection of me now be just a throwback to her earlier relationships and a desire to return to this abusive model...ie she thinks she does not deserve a :good" relationship?

Oh, yeah, that sheds a whole new light on it. Regrettably, I think you have it exactly right. She desperately needs some serious professional help to get out of this pattern, and I'm sorry to say that you probably aren't going to be the one to persuade her to get it. For your own sanity and emotional health, I think you have to let her go. In the short run, she'll probably do things that you can't prevent, and that will be too painful to watch. In the long run, you just have to hope she learns better. I feel for you, man. This is going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

talaniman · Jan 9, 2008, 07:12 PM

Sorry guy but unless she gets some professional help this relationship cannot wok. She has a lot of issues that have to be dealt with. Protect yoursef financially, emotionally, and legally, as she is in no way marriage material, or even a good partner, until she deals with her bagage.

rwani · Feb 23, 2008, 08:27 PM

Originally Posted by mooseontheloose

my wife of 2 years now tells me she "loves me" but is not in love with me"

we have been together for over 3 years and have had a regular sex life..almost every day and occasionaly more often....i have almost always initiated the move to sex and we have had a frank discussion about this more than once. she says she enjoys sex but will seldom initiate the sex. now after 2 years of marriage she tells me she doesent want to have sex with me!...that sh loves me like a friend or brother but doesent want o have seax because she is tired of the "duty sex" and the "guilt of deceiving me all these months....i have no desire to live in a sexless marriage, but i do love my wife and it is very painfull to end this relationship!

is this concept a reality? i can't seem to get my head around it...if it were true, how could she have consented to marriage and a lifelong committment?

Hi,

I haven't read everything so I may be saying things that have already been said, but I can somewhat identify myself with your wife.

I loved my ex really deeply but our relationship wasn't about sex. We did it like once or twice MAX a week and I have to admit that I was kind of forcing myself to not make him lose his confidence. It was good each time, but it was like doing chores (after you do dishes, you're always like "it wasn't that bad!") but I guess he wasn't that great a lover because with my new BF, I just love having sex with him because there is this tension between us that enhances it all I guess.
BUT IT Doesn't MEAN I Didn't LOVE MY EX!!

I loved him soooooo much. I guess we feel different with each relationship and I was lucky to be with someone who wasn't into sex like me so we were a perfect couple; more cuddly and cerebral I guess. It was the best relationship I ever had. Now even if the sex is amazing, my current BF is hurtful and makes me unhappy; he's not very affectionate in general.
I guess you can't have everything.

The problem is you're the type who thinks sex is important so I guess you have to do some sexual counceling to change your sexual habits.

PS: The reason why we broke up had nothing to do with sex.

hajt70 · Feb 24, 2008, 09:53 AM

Originally Posted by mooseontheloose

my wife of 2 years now tells me she "loves me" but is not in love with me"

we have been together for over 3 years and have had a regular sex life..almost every day and occasionaly more often....i have almost always initiated the move to sex and we have had a frank discussion about this more than once. she says she enjoys sex but will seldom initiate the sex. now after 2 years of marriage she tells me she doesent want to have sex with me!...that sh loves me like a friend or brother but doesent want o have seax because she is tired of the "duty sex" and the "guilt of deceiving me all these months....i have no desire to live in a sexless marriage, but i do love my wife and it is very painfull to end this relationship!

is this concept a reality? i can't seem to get my head around it...if it were true, how could she have consented to marriage and a lifelong committment?

Hey, man

How have you been? Any update that you want to share with us?