[homesick]

See my post below if you want to read the really short version of this

Long Version, I met my ex in Germany while I was in the army, she was a medical intern from Budapest and working in Berlin when we met, our relationship started a few months later after she broke up with her ex and we both traveled back to Berlin. We had what seemed like an extremely romantic and emotional one night stand, but after we both returned to our homes we started calling each other from Frankfurt to Budapest, and eventually flying to visit, she gave me a happy surprise by showing up unannounced once. During these visits we fell in love and for reasons I can't discuss I know that know matter what I do she is not capable of stopping loving me even if it is not the best thing for her.

At one point she got another internship in Germany nearer to me and we got a place to live together, things seemed great and we always settled our differences (what few there were at the time) with compromise and communication.

During this time we began to have a sexual issues though, I had an unhealthy addiction to pornography and immature attitudes about sex. Sex began to cause her both emotional and physical discomfort, and I while I was sensitive to her I did not act to resolve the issue, which we convinced ourselves was something physically wrong with her.

I got out of the army early and we moved back to Hungary together. This was an exciting time, she had her friends back, which was very important to us because she felt isolated in Germany on account of me being a shut in. I began attending Hungarian language classes and I was and still am enthusiastic about learning the language but I couldn't keep my excitement high for the duration of the course, and my attendance suffered, afterwards my motivation waned and I became lazy and stopped leaving the house almost altogether, quite often she would stay in when she would have gone out if I wasn't there. And our sexual relationship deteriorated even more, until she completely lost all desire to make love with me. I regressed further and continued indulging my porn addiction.

Throughout our relationship we made efforts to bring porn into our sexual relationship she even made efforts to share in my use of it, but ultimately it was not for her and she always felt negative (guilt or shame) about it afterwards no matter how good the experience was.

Outside of our sex and social life, all aspects of our relationship seemed genuinely good, we loved spending time together doing all sorts of things and she was broadening my horizons. I was helping her to grow and encouraging her, while I was becoming much less stressed and more patient. Her family had never made any of her other boyfriends part of the family like they did for me. And all her friends loved me too. She told me many times that I made her feel wonderful in ways that no one else ever had. And she did that for me as well.

But the problems were getting worse and we decided that we needed time apart, I returned to America for three weeks to help a family member that was in trouble and when I returned things seemed OK but not improved, we went on holiday for three weeks and I thought it was a great time, but much later she made it sound as if it was a disaster.

Finally I made the decision to return semi-permanently to the US to work and attend College with my money from the government, as well as finish becoming a man by being on my own and finding out what life is like when you've only got yourself to rely upon.
We agreed that we could see other people while we were apart, she even encouraged me to(bad sign, I know) but I didn't believe that either of us would. Things were horrible when I got back, it was difficult for the first month without a job or car or a place of my own, I wrote infrequently to her and usually complained, and I neglected her. I had been back in the US about a month when she took her final exams for her Medical Degree, and I forgot to call on the day of the first one, because I had a job interview. We fought about how I was not worried about her problems when she was stressed and I wasn't 'there' for her, and I was only concerned with how hard things were for me. I did my best to make up for them and she seemed to open up a bit but she never came completely around after the exams.

A few weeks later she didn't call or write for about a week and when we finally talked and she told me she didn't feel comfortable being my girlfriend anymore, she wanted to be 'just herself' I told her she could, we both cried and she made it sound as if she were saying goodbye, she told me that she would have come to live with me in America if I had only made it sound like I was happier. In the end I told her she could live her life and that I would try to do the same. The following days it ate me up inside until I couldn't hold it anymore, and I called her back and told her that I would fight for her until my last breath and that I'd never let her go. She sounded happy but scared that I was fighting in vain, but I felt better that I told her how much I wanted us to work. I didn't call her for a few days, then a four days before Christmas she called and said that she missed me. After we talked for a bit she said that I sounded like I was doing very well, (the truth is I was not but I was incredibly happy that she called and I wanted to make her proud) and because I sounded stronger now she thought I was ready for her to tell me something that she had to say. She started by saying that there was somebody else that she would rather go to parties with... then when I questioned her she told me that she had kissed and slept with other men and was still seeing one and had slept with him more than once.

I felt emptiness inside, it wasn’t the pain I felt when she told me she didn’t want to be mine, it was slow deep hurt of shock and then jealousy, I tried my best to keep my cool and I’m sure that I sounded very small and weak but I told her that I was disappointed but that I loved her anyway and I forgave her, because I had given her permission.

I tried to talk to her less afterward because I don’t want to be the jealous ex, but it upset me so much that it all happened while she has a brand new freedom and is surrounded by friends and family and opportunity. She was doing nothing but partying until she has to prepare to find work next year. While I am here, alone, hungry, working a physical labor job that I am unaccustomed to, with few friends, and long hours of nothing to do in-between hard workdays.

I was getting ready to leave her, but I couldn’t each time I got any word from her.

Finally I put some puzzle pieces together and I realized from things she had said that she had already met her new fling, before she told me she wanted to separate. This made me very angry because it made it apparent to me that while I don’t need her to survive and am doing better now, she couldn’t stand being alone in the midst of all her blessings, and she was still afraid of losing me enough to mislead me so that she could cheat on me guilt free and keep me on a string, waiting for her to come back.

I believe she should have told me that she had met somebody the first time she called me but instead she said she wanted independence even though she had picked out her new lover, and then she waited for me to become bent on winning her back to tell me she was with somebody else.

So I decided to stop contact with her. She didn’t contact me until the day before New Year’s Eve, she sent a message that said

“Did you call? I couldn’t hear my anything. I’m out playing guitar hero with kids, kisses”

The important thing here is that if I called her, there is no way she would not know, because I am pretty universal when I want to get a hold of somebody I’ll write messages and call several times and email and so forth, so she knew I had not called. I responded in a friendly but distant manner a couple hours later;

“Just got your message. I’ve been working in my garage. I didn’t call but I was thinking about guitar hero today.”

On the 31st I knew she would not call for new years, I but I waited all day anyway, and I sent this just before midnight her time

“Happy New year I hope it’s good one”


Friendly but impersonal.


I even went out with some new friends and tried to enjoy myself. But I felt miserable. The

Next day she sent me another text at 5:00pm her time

“Happy happy new year! Im so sorry my phone died last night and i just got home. Talk to u soon i hope u had a great time!! Kisses”

This made me angry because it felt like she was trying to rub it in that she spent the night and the entire day out, and it doesn’t take much of an imagination to picture her with her new lover bringing in the new year together in all sorts of ways that me want to die.

So I didn’t respond, I haven’t talked to her since then, but I still love her and I even believe that she might not realize that she is playing these horrible games with me.

Since then she had sent me several more messages, the went as follows

In the middle of a job interview I told her I had on the 2nd of Jan (fortunately I had my phone on silent)

“Hey hun, are you available now? Luv”



The response I sent an hour or so after the interview:

“Can’t right now”

And a few hours later I wrote this

"Can't talk to you tonight, I'm busy sorry"



Later that day she replied

“It’s ok. We have a whole new year ahead. Talk to you later. Kisses”


By this point I’m feel angry enough that I don’t really want to call her, but still I do want to talk to her and Dammit I still love her.

Today is the 5th and she has tried to chat with me and even called later on Skype I didn’t answer the chat, but I wasn’t around when she called, probably makes me lucky.

[homesick]

Short version, I was with my ex for 2 years, lived together for 18months, relationship was hurting because we we're living off her parents money, she was going to med school, and I wasn't doing anything, so we decided to separate so I could get on my feet and she could have some freedom. Shortly after she asked me if she could be 'just her' while I'm away and not be my girl friend, I agreed because I want her to get her freedom back and find herself. Soon after this she called and said she missed me and after hearing how good I sounded told me that she had been with other men. I tried like hell to convince her that I'm not the same guy I was before and that she should love me as much as I love her because I've grown. Now I'm trying no contact and she has started sending me messages asking to talk, I'm ignoring them until she gets persistent, but I don't know how bad she wants to talk. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up again, but I do still love her and I can forgive her for the things she's done.



Here is my question!

So Now what do I do, It’s obvious she wants to talk but she doesn’t contact me logically, she won’t just send me an email or a message trying to make a time to talk, she just expects me to call her I guess. Well I want her to miss me and I want her to realize how big a mistake she made when she left me. So I’m waiting, but I don’t have any clue what I’m going to say when we talk.

[George_1950]

Just my opinion, but any talking you do should be in person. As one great president said, 'Trust but verify'. You have no way to verify what she is saying to you, therefore she can say anything. Do you guys write to each other? Maybe if she were to write you a letter explaining how she found herself, then she could show you her logical side and where she would like the relationship to go.

[homesick]

Talking in person would quite difficult, I'm in Arizona and she is in Hungary.

[N0help4u]

My guess is she may be scared, since you are so far away, that you might never get back together and then she wasted her time waiting. But she isn't sure if she wants to have a life without you because it could take her in a whole different direction that didn't include you. Girls have a hard time with a change that feels like breaking up and they will one minute be talking like they don't want to be with you then the next calling and saying they miss you. They do this because they think of the good times you had together and then think of a future that doesn't include you and then get all emotional

She is probably confused herself about what she wants. She most likely won't persist you because she might think you are too busy, don't want to be bothered with her, moved on with your life and forgotten about her since you are doing NC.
If you want to be with her you need to keep communicating with her otherwise she is going to think you don't care anymore or that you are playing a game with contact/no contact.
When there is a big distance you need to keep letting her know you are still interested.

[talaniman]

It seems as your priority should be you, and getting your own life in order. Yes I have read both versions of your story, and you have a lot of work to do for you. Leave her alone for the time being, so you can't be distracted from your own issues. She is living her own life at this time. As well she should.

[homesick]

Thank you Nohelp4you, I've been thinking that it doesn't feel natural not to call her, and I was worried that what you are saying might happen, (that she will lose confidence and believe I have moved on) I think I will call her today and fill her in on some news but I won't get too smothering.

Sometimes it is difficult to convince somebody that you're doing well though, I was just turned down by a really promising job, but I'm still being optimistic and I've even told myself that it could be for the best that I'm staying at my physical job because this way I can use my mental power in college and stay in shape at work.

[homesick]

Talaniman, I agree and I have been making an effort to concentrate on myself, however an excess of free time often (every minute almost) causes my focus to drift back to her, I am filling my free time with activity though.

But there are some other factors that I need to consider, I was offered a job in Hungary and I am waiting for details about it before I consider it seriously, and I thought deeply about it and I decided that even if we don't get back together I would rather live in Hungary if I can afford to go to a university there.

It is also like you said, she is living her own life, and I believe I am doing the same, but she has made it clear through her attempts to contact me that she at least wants me to believe that she wants me to continue being a part of her life.

I also just noticed that some things I wrote are missing from my initial post, they concerned the progress I've made since I've been living alone:

Since I began working I've become much more productive, I enjoy my free time much more and I don't waste a lot of time sitting around doing nothing. I don't use pornography any more at all, and I have nearly stopped masturbating, I used to abuse myself excessively and now I am happy that I don't waste my time and energy doing it anymore. I've made many new friends, one who tried to get me the job I mentioned, even though I didn't get the job I'm still socializing much more and it feels good to go out and talk with people which is something I didn't do enough of before and during my relationship with my ex (to her and my chagrin). I've reconciled with my family who I had grown distant with. I'm also proud of myself overall because my health and fitness have improved vastly and I don't feel tired after working as I have my entire life until now.

So I feel that while I still have growing to do (I'm not dead yet!) I have moved so far from the person I was when I left her, and I feel entitled to her acknowledgment, because she was what motivated a great deal of my improvement. Just let me make it clear though, even though she inspired me to better myself, and even the fear of losing her motivated a lot of change, I ultimately made these changes because they were what I wanted.

[homesick]

Well I panicked. I called at a bad time, she was with the other man, she said she would call me back, and she did, several times she called the next three days but I wasn't around or I just didn't answer. I thought it was working really great, but I was wrong. When I finally answered I tried to be cool and sound busy and uninterested. I felt horrible after, I don't think it had any affect on her and I just felt like I had lied.

So I panicked again and I called her back, I told her how I really felt, and that I didn't want to play games anymore. I told her how I was disappointed in her and how I thought she was making mistakes, she predictably got angry, not very. But she pointed out how I was wrong on nearly all of my accusations, she did admit to misleading me about when she met the other man, but she did it to try to hurt me less because she was afraid of how badly I'd take it. And she said to me "if were not playing games anymore and being honest, then I have to tell you I don't want to be with you."

We finished by me saying that I want to be in her life and we agreed that we would talk more

It wasn't to be, I know better, I know the anguish that I feel when she told me she doesn't love me anymore and again when she told me she does not want me back. I thought hard about it, and I took the advice I got here, and I wrote her a message that said goodbye, but I didn't send it, I owe her more than that, she at least called to tell me that she didn't want me anymore. So I decided to call her after work the next day. I couldn't wait that long, I was crying and shaking all day at work and on my break I called and I told her that I was wrong to call her before and it was selfish and I told her that I needed to be selfish one more time. This is more or less what I told her,

I can't go on like this, we can't talk anymore. I love you and I will never stop loving you, but I have to accept that 'one day' when we meet again might never come, if we keep talking I can't accept that so I have to say goodbye.

I'm happy that I can't hurt you anymore, but I would be lying if I told you that I didn't want it to hurt you when I said goodbye,
You gave me so many chances and I wasted them, I'm sorry that I failed you so many times. Don't feel bad I was wrong to say I was disappointed in you. I made so many mistakes.

Please forgive me but I have to tell you one last thing before I leave you.

I want you to remember a moment we shared ****this was a private thing between us****

Please remember that

If you ever want to give me another chance please do. But I can't hope for that I'm not waiting for that day anymore I can't live that way. You don't love me, you don't need me anymore you have somebody else now, I can't wait for you any longer.
I will always love you, I will never forget you, but we are never going to be together again,
She said that we would know when we can talk again, but I cut her off and said I can't think that, I can't wait for it, I have to let her go.
She said to me that she made mistakes and I told her she didn't,

She also said that she will never forget me and that I had succeeded in one way, she told me she felt terrible now, and I only cried more and apologized. I feel guilty that I did this to her, in part I did it because I wanted her to feel this pain before she goes back to her new lover, I want her to think of us and what we had and my pain when she is with him this weekend. I want her to miss me, and I know she does, but I want her to miss me more than she wants to be with her new lover. I want her to think about me during the entire train ride to him, I want her to remember me when she goes home and sees some of my things that are still there, and whenever she remembers me I want her to realize how good it was before it went bad, and I know that this thought is going to eat me up inside but I just want her to remember me when she realizes she doesn't love the man she is with.

I know that I'm selfish, but I have to be a little selfish now or else I won't be able to bear this pain anymore. I want to spoil her relationship with him, I know I'm wrong, but I feel like she cheated on me. I know that she didn't and I want her to be happy, but I want to make her happy. All I can do now is wait, and try to forget her. But I know I will never forget her, she is the first person I ever loved and I know she truly loved me. So all I can really do is wait for it to stop hurting and move on.

[HistorianChick]

I know that I'm selfish, but I have to be a little selfish now or else I won't be able to bear this pain anymore. I want to spoil her relationship with him, I know I'm wrong, but I feel like she cheated on me. I know that she didn't and I want her to be happy, but I want to make her happy. All I can do now is wait, and try to forget her. But I know I will never forget her, she is the first person I ever loved and I know she truly loved me. So all I can really do is wait for it to stop hurting and move on.

In a question that I had posed not too long ago, one of the amazing (and wise) relationship gurus on this forum put things into perspective when he said, "Yes, he deserves to be happy, but SO DO YOU." You deserve happiness just as much as she does.

You said, "All i can really do is wait for it to stop hurting and move on." You're right. It hurts like hell, I know, but one day - probably more "later" than "sooner" - the pain will ease up a little bit and you'll be able to re-capture your thinking and your heart. The story about the Phoenix rising from the ashes is quite appropriate...

One day you will be happy again, one day you will wake up not thinking about her, one day you will notice that pretty girl that smiles at you in the food store, and then one day, one amazing day, you'll remember that its been a while since you cried... and in that day, your life will begin again.

Keep your chin up... that day will come. You'll rise from these ashes of a wrecked and ruined relationship to find that you are stronger, wiser, and more love-able than before.

[George_1950]

Sorry about the way this worked out but you can and will make it through just fine. You wrote: "She said to me that she made mistakes and I told her she didn't" Just a comment; there are some other threads where guys and gals are talking about their 'significant other' on a pedestal; over time I believe you will realize she doesn't belong on a pedestal and you shouldn't blame yourself for the relationship going south.

[homesick]

I agree with you a bit, but to be honest I mostly told her that she didn't make mistakes because I want her to realize that I see my problems more clearly, and I wanted to leave her with a feeling that I love her.

I know she did things wrong, but she was not aware of most of them. It's also true that we both could have helped each other more with our own problems. We communicated but sometimes she did not communicate her needs, likewise I did not dig deep enough sometimes to find out if something was bothering her.

One particular problem was her disappointment in me because did not show enough interest in some things she showed, her high school was one thing, she showed it to me and according to her I was indifferent. Just before she told me about the other man, she mentioned that it made her angry that I showed so little interest in it, and that she had shown somebody else and they got excited and hopped out of the car and wanted to run up close to look, which was exactly what she expected. Obviously this turned out to be her new lover, I doubt this was her honest expectation but I can understand in a way her disappointment, but she admitted that she felt guilty for being angry at me about this, and that she considered it childish to be disappointed over something so trivial, never the less it was another black mark on her "womans record against man she loves".


Basically I've reached the conclusion that I'll never get her back, and I have to face the steps of recovery one at a time.

I'm sad that she fell out of love with me, I'm angry that even though she fell back in love with me when I left, she quickly fell out of love as soon as somebody interesting came along. I'm disappointed that she couldn't be alone, and that she was afraid of losing me until she was sure that she got on well with her new boyfriend. I'm hurt deeply but I still understand and forgive because she acted from fear. I'm most disappointed that she did not acknowledge all the work I have done for her here by myself, by just waiting a while longer or at least being honest with me. She told me that she did not want to get involved with anybody else, and I believe that she believed that. But I think it's unacceptable how quickly she lowered her resolve, especially because this guy is not somebody that she wants to spend her whole life with, and originally she said she let herself be with him because she won't break his heart. But that may have changed, I think she is falling for him and I have a pretty good feeling that she will get hurt or bored. In my love blind state I hope desperately that that will happen and that she calls me grief stricken and begs me to take her back, which I will of course, but only after much consideration and a lot of communication with her.

Any way thank you all for your advice and for reading all that tangled mess. I appreciate very much having additional people to help me vent.

[George_1950]

Thank you for sharing this aspect of your life. We are all on a journey that is not always mapped and the road signs are difficult to read.

[Ccg1003]

Easy: swallow your damn prides and work it out.

[Ccg1003]

Sorry haha didn't mean for it to come out that negative. What I mean is I have hella friends who lose relationships and the people they love because they won't swallow they're prides. They wait for each other to make the first move or wait for the other person to work it out.

[homesick]

I don't know if pride is an issue anymore, she has told me that she doesn't love me, the first time was last summer when I was still living with her. She told me she doesn't want to be with me anymore, she is in a new relationship with somebody else, and she has told me that she doesn't want to get back together with me. I don't have much pride left after she has taken away my manhood like this. I've begged her and pleaded her and tried to remind her of why we fell in love, but it's pretty obvious that she doesn't believe she loves me anymore, I don't know how I can work it out with her if it's even possible. If I could I would but she doesn't love me anymore, I have to live my life, if I keep trying to win her back and pushing her into her new lovers arms it's going to drive me insnane. It's bad enough that I think about it all the time. I made lots of moves and she has responded more negatively each time. If I keep telling her I love her she will eventually become much more harsh in the manner that she tells me she doesn't love me and eventually her pity will turn to hate. I don't want to make her believe that I've moved on but if I don't there is not even a chance that she will consider me a man ever again. I realize that that is not the point of me ending my half of the relationship it's supposed to be about me recovering my life, but I'm still in denial, I want to believe that we could still end up together, but mostly I know that it will never happen.

[George_1950]

homesick, you are beginning to come around. Try getting your mind away from what you are thinking, and focus on what she is thinking and doing.

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

First of all the high school, is nothing but a smokescreen to shift blame. She lost interest long ago due to something. She is nothing but a liar. Now she is trying to rationize her decisions with BS statements like "it just happened", "you wen't there for me" and so on.

"She told me that she did not want to get involved with anybody else," - another lie. She has been looking for a while

And now you are BEGGING. This is a serious turnoff for women as they view that as a sign of weakness.

Next time you talk to her, tell her she is a loser and you though about it and thank god things didn't pursue further as it would have been one of the biggest mistakes you ever made in your life.

Don't call her again. I promise she will call within 2 months of NC.

Dude, this happens over and over on these boards. I have been there myself and acting like you are and it got me nowhere. Only years later did I realize how deceptive ex's can be.

There are some good girls out there, but not this one.

[homesick]

Why have you mentioned high school? I met her when I was 21 and she was 24. We are now 23 and 26.

She never said that I wasn't there for her, I figured that out myself because when I was living with her and for a time after I left, I was a vapid lazy person, and now I see why she stopped being attracted to me.

As for whether she was looking for somebody else, you can't know what she was doing, I choose to believe that she did not intentionally find another man, but we discussed it and she is well aware that she is afraid of being alone, and I know that she was subconsciously seeking somebody else to support her. At first it was her close female friend who she was spending all her time with. But then we had some friction added to our distance and she met a guy who was kind to her and has many nice qualities. So, she, latched onto him because she is a lonely, needy person (for lack of a better term). She is currently incapable of being single.

I have a deep personal hope that may be futile that someday she will outgrow this need to be with somebody and then we could be together, but I also have to realize that I'm hurting so bad right now, not only because I miss her, but also because I am afraid to be alone, I just haven't got anybody to go to but her. There are still two extremely unlikely possibilities that we both outgrow our fears of aloneness and we find each other again and build a new healthy relationship, or we remain the way we are and we latch back together as soon as we are both single again.

I hope that we are both stronger and wiser someday and we get another chance, but I know it's not healthy to wait my whole life for that chance, I have to heal myself and move on. I'm not ready to let that hope go yet but I will be soon I hope, and then it won't matter to me if we ever get back together because I will have learned to be happy without her. I hope she can do the same.

[talaniman]

One thing your getting good at, is making excuses for her behavior, and bashing yourself over the head. Neither of which is helpful to you.