[katerine]

My husband and I have been married for only two months. I'm afraid that a problem that has always effected our relationship (but one that we've worked hard to correct) is going to be the cause of our divorce... You see... my husband has had erectile disfunction since the first time we attempted to sleep together. I was willing to work with this issue, because he is perfect otherwise. I persuaded him to see a urologist, which he did, and he was given a prescription for Viagra.

The problem is, that up until the other night, I thought that he had a form of sex anxiety. The Urologist told us that after a few months of taking Viagra and having success, my husband would gain confidence and the anxiety would go away. Well, unfortunately, that isn't the case. We've had numerous unsuccessful attempts even with Viagra. He doesn't even get turned on when I touch him. The other night, I asked him to seek counseling. He was very reluctant and when I asked why, he said that he's afraid that he just isn't sexually attracted to me. This was a hard blow and I'm not sure how to react to it. Why then did he marry me if he's not sexually attracted to me?

I asked him if maybe he just loves me as a friend, but he countered by explaining that he loves me more than he's ever loved anybody before. This would normally make me feel better, except that I was his first... I just don't know what to think of all of this... It's quite a blow, but after all the trouble we've been having in the bedroom, I finally think we might be getting to the bottom of the issue.

So, here's my question: If my husband isn't sexually attracted to me, never was sexually attracted to me, what then should be my course of action? I know that I will never be happy in a relationship that is void of sex and I'm surely not going to force him to do something (if he can) that he doesn't really want to do. I feel like he's been dishonest with me and that our whole relationship has been a lie. It feels false, do you know what I mean? I need some advice... please help.

[Fr_Chuck]

And there are other drugs besides Viagra, maybe one of them will work better, does he get an erection if he masterbates, or has he had a problem with other girls

Now as a pastor I have to word this better than some will.

First, what other medications does he take, illegal drugs can cause it, as will drinking for some people, high blood pressure medication really hurts it.

Next what positions and types of sex, maybe role playing, costumes, body paints, romantic weekend get away.

And next sex is not the end of all the world, if he had an accident in the car today and never good have sex again, you mean you would leave him??

Honestly from your post, it sounds like you are putting a lot, and I mean a lot of pressure on him to perform,and the more pressue you put, the harder it will be for someone with ED to perform.

[s_cianci]

It does sound like he has a form of sex anxiety. I think this is more of a job for a psychologist than a urologist. Some other type of medication besides Viagra may well be in order here. Hopefully, for the sake of your marriage and your own sake, he'll be willing to look into it.

[will5168]

Maybe your husband is sexually attracted to you but if he has a problem whether it be psychological or urologic he is finding it difficlt to admit the problem. He may be suffering inside and, as a male, the only way to react is to defend, hence, say that he is not attracted to you. He may be finding this problem, illness, issue harder to deal with then you think.

Before any break up, continue to support him, give him space from the sex issue and identify a specialist that can help without drugs.

[L98smile]

This post is not intended to make you feel worse, but my first sexual partner (and first love) was my ex-husband. We were together for 11 years, and he was my best friend in the world. I loved him very much, but I was not "in love" with him. I never wanted to have sexual intercourse with him (I just wasn't interested!). I finally realized that although I loved him, I wasn't in love with him. We had no passion. After I divorced him, we both moved on to happier and more fulfilling relationships. He is remarried. I have found a man that I love, have a friendship with, and have passion for. We never went to counseling, but I think if you guys both want to stay together that it is a must. Good luck. I feel for you. Those years were the worst of my life, and I don't wish them upon anyone. Hang in there.

[vlee]

I hate to say anything that could be upsetting, but is it possible that your husband has an attraction to other men, but is unable or unwilling to admit it? Maybe when he says he loves you more than anyone he is being truthful, and maybe he is being (admittedly painfully) truthful when he says he isn't attracted to you sexually. Maybe he thought he could make himself heterosexual by being with you. I think that in order to get to the root of the problem, whatever it is, you need to enter into marriage counseling together, as partners. Most likely by facing this head on together you will learn much faster what the cause is, and whether it is something you can change, or something you must accept and deal with, even if that means accepting that divorce is the only viable option. You may find that you grow closer by facing this as a team.

[bandam]

Does your husband know and see this acct you got set up here?If not start there.There's always two sides to problems and its always easear to look at the other side.

[shatteredsoul]

I think there are many facets to this situation that we do not understand. Maybe you don't either. We do not know where his sexual disfunction comes from or why it isn't changing. If he isn't willing to work on it, or share why he has it, how are you ever going to have a healthy relationship? Maybe you should see a sex therapist to try and work on it. If sex is important to you, and important to him, than maybe one will help. However, I do not think you should stay in a marriage forever, if this cannot be fixed. You don't want to get to the point of feeling like cheating because that would be so much worse. I guess the question is, where does his disfunction stem from? Is it because of age, injury, sexual preference, or loss of interest? There are so many things it could be and without knowing, I don't know how we can help you here. IF these are things you don't know either, you need to figure that out together. You can't fix the problem if you don't know what it really is. Maybe it is anxiety and this has made him feel so uncomfortable that he can't talk about it. Could you offer for him to go speak with someone on his own until he is more comfortable is dealing with this issue with you? I hope you work it out!

[talaniman]

If he was that way before marriage then why be surprised now. I think your taking this problem way to personally, as it seems to be his problem that he has no control over. There are many drugs to correct erectile dysfunction, so try them, and adjust your thinking. I don't think the way he feels about you has anything to do with it, unless you voice your displeasure in the wrong way, and that would make me very defensive.

[yrotseus]

I have this type of problem also.

My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me. He also has tried ED meds. It only worked once.

He had what I will call an online affair. When he was making plans to go see this woman I found out. We went to conseling for about six months, his idea. We both want the marriage to work. We have been married for 22 years. Things were good for about a year. Now I feel like they are reverting back to what it was when all this started.

I miss his passion. I get the occasional peck but no real kisses. He tells me he loves me but, I feel like it is in a sisterly way.

I don't know what to do to bring back the passion. Even if there isn't sex I still need the touch and feel of him next to me. I feel if I try to touch him he just turns away. I feel if I continue to talk about the problem it just makes things worse. I'm not sure if I'm just being over sensitive.

Any suggestions?

[violaheart]

Katerine... im so sorry about your situation... I am going through the same thing right now with my husband... when we got married everything changed... I realized that my husband has been looking at a lot of pornography... and a lot of that is the reason for all this... you have to ask the question... Is he looking at pornography? And so I don't sound like a bad psychiatrist... how was his relationship with his mother as a child? I think my husband suffers from whore/Madonna complex... where he loves me... sou much... that he doesn't want to defile me by having sex with me... according to this complex sex is for "dirty" girls... like the ones in the porn... not he "wife"... he has me on a pedestal... which is nice... cause my husband is sou good to me... I know he loves me... but he's not sexual... and the same thing... hes tried all the medication... sou do a little research on your hubby... and I don't know if hell tell you the truth... but I'm happy my husband finally did... I think we can beat it... but I'm taking it slow... I hope this helps and good luck to you...

[lildaisy]

My husband and I have been married for only two months. I'm afraid that a problem that has always effected our relationship (but one that we've worked hard to correct) is going to be the cause of our divorce... You see... my husband has had erectile disfunction since the first time we attempted to sleep together. I was willing to work with this issue, because he is perfect otherwise. I persuaded him to see a urologist, which he did, and he was given a prescription for Viagra.

The problem is, that up until the other night, I thought that he had a form of sex anxiety. The Urologist told us that after a few months of taking Viagra and having success, my husband would gain confidence and the anxiety would go away. Well, unfortunately, that isn't the case. We've had numerous unsuccessful attempts even with Viagra. He doesn't even get turned on when I touch him. The other night, I asked him to seek counseling. He was very reluctant and when I asked why, he said that he's afraid that he just isn't sexually attracted to me. This was a hard blow and I'm not sure how to react to it. Why then did he marry me if he's not sexually attracted to me?

I asked him if maybe he just loves me as a friend, but he countered by explaining that he loves me more than he's ever loved anybody before. This would normally make me feel better, except that I was his first... I just don't know what to think of all of this... It's quite a blow, but after all the trouble we've been having in the bedroom, I finally think we might be getting to the bottom of the issue.

So, here's my question: If my husband isn't sexually attracted to me, never was sexually attracted to me, what then should be my course of action? I know that I will never be happy in a relationship that is void of sex and I'm surely not going to force him to do something (if he can) that he doesn't really want to do. I feel like he's been dishonest with me and that our whole relationship has been a lie. It feels false, do you know what I mean? I need some advice... please help.

I honestly don't believe that he is "not sexually attracted to you." There had to have been a flame there otherwise, he wouldn't have married you. Have you tried spicing things up a little? Ask him what you can do to turn him on? Role play a little, dress up a little, have fun with it... be teens again! Don't look at yourself. I believe that there may be deeper issues going on that he may not be willing to admit to you. Don't stress and dwell with him on it, it'll only cause more pressure "when it's time again." Rather, take a different approach. Try reversing the situation and say "you know, I understand what your going through and we're gonna get through this together." And, act like you did when you first met and take it slow. Tease him a little, flirt, add some fore play in and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Just look at him and say "oh well. It's okay. Really. I still love you for you." And, LET GO. He's under pressure, as the only way a gal can really tell a guy is "excited" is by... well, you know... a standing soldier. A gal, can kind of fake it! :) So... just say, it's okay. No biggie. And try again some other time. The less pressure you put on him and say that it's all cool with you regardless, the more it'll just happen and he'll be able to perform for you and it'll shock you! Just give it a shot. And, try other drugs. Cialis is wonderful too... I'm a drug rep. I've heard about it. So, sit back, play it cool and go back to the old ways for a bit. Have fun with him and it'll bring back the passion. Just don't mention it/talk about it. Act like it's just not the right time... but it will be. You'll be surprised. Good luck!

[lildaisy]

I honestly don't believe that he is "not sexually attracted to you." There had to have been a flame there otherwise, he wouldn't have married you. Have you tried spicing things up a little? Ask him what you can do to turn him on? Role play a little, dress up a little, have fun with it... be teens again! Don't look at yourself. I believe that there may be deeper issues going on that he may not be willing to admit to you. Don't stress and dwell with him on it, it'll only cause more pressure "when it's time again." Rather, take a different approach. Try reversing the situation and say "you know, I understand what your going through and we're gonna get through this together." And, act like you did when you first met and take it slow. Tease him a little, flirt, add some fore play in and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Just look at him and say "oh well. It's okay. Really. I still love you for you." And, LET GO. He's under pressure, as the only way a gal can really tell a guy is "excited" is by... well, you know... a standing soldier. A gal, can kind of fake it! :) So... just say, it's okay. No biggie. And try again some other time. The less pressure you put on him and say that it's all cool with you regardless, the more it'll just happen and he'll be able to perform for you and it'll shock you! Just give it a shot. After all, a guy doesn't like to "talk about thing" they just want to fix it and get on. And, I'm sure it's quite embarrassing and is hard on his pride in a way. It makes a man feel inferior and less of a man. So, try not to point it out. And, try other drugs. Cialis is wonderful too... I'm a drug rep. I've heard about it. So, sit back, play it cool and go back to the old ways for a bit. Have fun with him and it'll bring back the passion. Just don't mention it/talk about it. Act like it's just not the right time... but it will be. You'll be surprised. Good luck!

[talaniman]

This is an old thread and the poster hasn't been back. I always believed sexual dysfuntion in healthy couples is a sign of problems in other ares of their lives.

[naijachix]

I have a similar problem: my fiancé is a very wonderful woman. I love her very much. But our sex life have not been wonderful. Initially, I didn't know what was wrong, but with time I got to understand that I love her like my sister, my best friend etc, but I'm kind of not sexually attracted to her. I pray everyday and still hope I can do anything about it. But if not, then I guess we'll have to part our ways someday. Just hope she'll take it in good faith and still be my great friend. So really, if you don't feel the flair anymore, try abstaining for a really long time and see what happens. GOOD LUCK

[ayashe]

Have you given any though to the fact, that he might be gay? Seriously..

[peoplechange100606]

My advice only. I am not an expert. I don't have enough information about anything without being there with you and witnessing the series of events. I would say, it is about him and his self esteem and personal image. I think you should get him active in life such as hitting the gym, hiking, any type of activity to get that testosterone flowing. He is probably just in a tough spot with no idea what to do. No different than when woman go through menapouse, men get hormone imbalances that can range from screwing anything that moves and masterbating ten times a day, to not wanting to look twice at a nude movie star. Ixnay the gay thing. Ixnay the Viagra thing. Just get the poor guy up and going.

[Molly_47]

I've been married 8 going on 9 years.. same thing. I think he's gay. We're best friends, never fight. Have everything.. happy, laughter. NO sex. I'm very lonely. Viagra.. he's got it but doesn't use it. He has never once initiated sex. He says it's him.. and not me. This is my second marriage and I've dated and never have I been ignored like this. It is very painful when you love someone and they don't want to touch you or not interested. VERY lonely. I give up. Screw the counseling.. male ego.. fear. It's pointless. Any guys want a date? I'm really a nice person and was attractive 8 years ago before I got married. I have NO idea if I am now!

[Molly_47]

I honestly don't believe that he is "not sexually attracted to you." There had to have been a flame there otherwise, he wouldn't have married you. Have you tried spicing things up a little? Ask him what you can do to turn him on? Role play a little, dress up a little, have fun with it....be teens again! Don't look at yourself. I believe that there may be deeper issues going on that he may not be willing to admit to you. Don't stress and dwell with him on it, it'll only cause more pressure "when it's time again." Rather, take a different approach. Try reversing the situation and say "you know, I understand what your going through and we're gonna get through this together." And, act like you did when you first met and take it slow. Tease him a little, flirt, add some fore play in and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Just look at him and say "oh well. It's okay. Really. I still love you for you." And, LET GO. He's under pressure, as the only way a gal can really tell a guy is "excited" is by...well, you know...a standing soldier. A gal, can kinda fake it! :) So...just say, it's okay. No biggie. And try again some other time. The less pressure you put on him and say that it's all cool with you regardless, the more it'll just happen and he'll be able to perform for you and it'll shock you! Just give it a shot. And, try other drugs. Cialis is wonderful too....I'm a drug rep. I've heard about it. So, sit back, play it cool and go back to the old ways for a bit. Have fun with him and it'll bring back the passion. Just don't mention it/talk about it. Act like it's just not the right time...but it will be. You'll be surprised. Good luck!

Bull. I've been married 8 years.. tried everything. Talked discussed enticed.. it's pointless.

[finallyhappy]

TRUST ME - NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

For a few years I have been engaged to a man that is my best friend, and that holds hands with me and pecks me on the lips and loves being with me, like I love being with him, but nothing else. We canceled our wedding when he told me he was not attracted to me and never ever was, but loved me more than anyone ever. We covered it up to everyone so they still think we will marry after we work out some issues. What I did was what many of you did. I "hung in there" hiding the truth from everyone except our therapist whom he stopped talking to after a few sessions. I prayed, hoped, suffered and endured lonlinest in my own bed. People around us thought we were so in love and we are but not like we should be. He blamed my race (he is white and I am Asian) saying he only dated stunningly beautiful white women, blonds, his whole life and that he does not find me physically attractive but can't live without me. Everywhere we went he stared at other women and I have caught him more than once trying to find sex with other strangers on line. We still lived together while he was doing this. He was pursuing mail order Russian brides as young as 18 (we are in our 40's) and wanted girls that did not even speak english to come here after a few emails and be his wife and live in some fantasy land. His requirements were that they be young and very beautiful. Though none of this materialized it disgusted me. I blamed him but we loved being together so much that I endured it for years hoping things would change.

I CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I WAS UGLY. I would look in the mirror each morning and seek out my flaws on my face and body. I tried to dress sexier but he never noticed. I never tried to have sex because I could not take the rejection. This was a bad situation. We had sex for the first few months of our relationship but never again. He was not doing anything at all to make things better. What I found odd was after all these years though he was on line writing up sexual fantasies that never came to fruition or if they did were one time flings because I have access to him whereabouts and email / call 24/7 it dawned on me THAT HE WAS LIVING A SEXLESS LIFE TOO!!

That is when it finally hit me. Men love sex. Industries are built on it. If he loved me so much as a "best friend" but found me physically a turn off, why not cheat really with a girl that is close by or really follow through on those sex websites? WHY WAS HE SETTLING FOR BEING IN A SEXLESS LIFE? Got me wondering that this was not about me but him. This man was either gay, or asexual or something but for him not to go get some behind my back or something meant he had issues - not me.

In December, I took a long look at myself in the mirror. I prayed for strength that even though I do not know if anyone will love me as much as him, I would fake it till I made it and just go on faith alone that I am good enough the way I am and get our of this bad relationship. When we would pass fat women that were really unattractive on the street, with kids and a husband he would comment but I would quietly envy her - she was having sex and probably nightly with a man that liked her fat enough to have sex with her.

We were all set to go to Hawaii for Christmas week as usual (such a shame each vacation like this was beautiful but sexless and I wondered what people in the next room were doing! ). I secretly booked a trip to the Caribbean. The morning we were to leave (this took all the strength I had) while he was up at 4 am taking a shower before we headed to the airport, I grabbed my bag and snuck out and hopped in a car service to go to another airport. Though I was crying, depressed and scared I felt a relief that I had not had in years. I left a long letter behind for him telling him this time in his own words "its not you its me - I love you more than anyone but I dont want to stand in the way of you finding a young blond that can give you what I can't so I am getting out of your way so you can find happiness, I love you and love you enough to stop ruining your life" and as I sat in my first class seat on the plane (a treat to me!) I asked for more and more champagne then looked out the window and said goodbye to a lifestyle that was not good enough for anyone that loves themselves to be in. When I landed in Jamaica I prayed that he would honor my request to move out of my home before I returned in a week. I checked in and quickly threw on a swimsuit. The hot Caribbean air and blue skies welcomed me more than he ever did. I was crying tears of joy and fear at the same time in the taxi ride to my hotel. Funny I kept seeing purple flowers all over, like they were following me and thought of the movie the color purple and how much it was about my life (the husband tells his wife she is so ugly then she leaves in the end and everyone fights for her and she gets happy finally - ms. celie is my hero).

THIS IS WHERE THE STORY GETS GOOD!!

I went to the beach and they set up a chair lounge for me. I put a bunch of magazines out (gossip rags so I could read about Angelina and Jennifer fighting and take my mind off my own troubles), put my tall liquor filled dacquari drink on the side table and dug my feet into the soft sand. I was wearing a cover up that I took off and then walked in my skimpy bikini to the water. I wanted to cry and cleanse myself in the ocean and give thanks to God that I had followed my inner voice and made this very difficult move and chant my mantra "I Am Good Enought."

Next thing I know I hear two women walking by as I approached the ocean "wow she's pretty, what I would not do to have that flawless body but my kids did a number on my waisteline haha."

I FORGOT THAT I USED TO BE CONSIDERED ATTRACTIVE BY A LOT OF PEOPLE OF ALL RACES.

All week men stared at me asking if I was alone, smiling at me and taking second looks when their wives were not looking, walking by my chair for no reason. Drinks were sent to me from anonymous men when I had dinner alone at the restaurant on the beach nightly. I heard "sexy, hot, pretty" when I walked by strangers.

It occurred to me that my need to be loved so deeply by my fiancé was more powerful than my need for the sex he refused me. I had always been used for sex like most people are these days, but he was the only man to really spend each day with me and I was addicted to that kind of closeness which I needed so badly. But sacrificing intimacy was not and should never had been an option. I forgave him in my heart on that beach because though I know he was wrong, I allowed this to go on. Then I thanked God for the love he and I did share, the trips, movies, baseball games and daily living that helped me be more about closeness than sex all the time. We both gave each other what we were needing. It was just time to move on. I thanked God that I was smart enough not to tell my family and friends about our sexless life because that would have made it really hard on me. By just saying we had stuff to work out my privacy was in tact so it was not an embarrassing situation and that helped me move on too.

I went home to an empty home. Its been 3 months now. I cleaned up, got organized, took the classes I always put off (yoga, piano playing, organic cooking class, gym classes), and took up meditation and go to wellness retreats every weekend to fill my mind with good stuff and trust me it works. I go to work early and finish my projects now which my boss has noticed and is suggesting a raise for me. I told my friends and family we broke up but love each other very much, but it just did not work out and I wish him well. When they pry I just say, we just could not make it work, and that is really all I want to say." I did not replace him with a man for sex, but with positive things that are making me healthy inside and out. He's tried desperately to get me back but I never return a call or email. I miss him so much. But I love and am learning to love me more. I am open to any man that comes my way if he is the real deal. I forgive anything that happened, and it was not a waste of time which I know now. It all made me better for the next real relationship and most of all I love my race and refused to accept his excuse for what was "wrong with me." Why is it wrong to be Asian? "Wrong?"

There is nothing wrong with me. I am good enough the way that I am. I have "faith" that someone out there will love me the way I can love them.

It was both of our problem - because unless someone puts a gun to your head and forces you to stay with them after you discover the problem in your relationship then he becomes we - are living like this and then its time to examine why you allow it. You may need what I needed - closeness of any kind to help you grow, more than sex which before my fiancé I never had - only men using me for sex but no real time together was part of the deal. Once you grow and feel ready for the whole package simply make the hard choice to move on and take a leap of faith.

Everyone please keep me in your prayers and good wishes that I find real complete whole love for taking this leap of faith and not believing that I am not good enough.

Signed,
Finally Happy (or faking it as happy till I make it as happy