[SeattleGirl08]

Hi all I am new. I was surfing online trying to find thoughts on my issue and here I am.

I am 28, divorced, and a single mom. So I don't take relationships lightly. To summarize, I am in the beginning stages of a relationship with an old school friend. Ten years ago we were very close, flirted... cute together... and then I ended up marrying someone else. Well I am divorced and we are now becoming close once again only in a much more serious way.

He seems too good to be true. I'm a cynic, I admit that. Our families have been close for our entire lives. Our brothers are best friends, literally, and our mothers are very close as well. We have a history of growing up together, being friends, then becoming interested in one another. Then the gap, and now... here we are, stirring up old feelings in a much more adult way.

The only real fly in the ointment... I do not even know if it IS one. It may be paranoia on my part. He likes to go out drinking with his friends. From what I've seen, it averages once a week. He goes out, gets drunk, goes home (cab or a ride from a friend or walks) and goes to bed. He's not a mean drunk, or abusive, or passing out drunk. I am simply sensitive to this area as a potential for trouble. I know that if we were to become serious I would have a problem with his weekly getting drunk. If it was just weekly hanging with the guys, watching football, having a few beers... that'd be different. But we're both 28 and he admits he "Gets totally wasted." Not what I want to hear. I have yet to say a word about this to him.

I won't get any deeper into a relationship with him if this IS going to be a problem. I'm not totally sure what constitutes a problem? Am I being oversensitive, or is this weekly binge a real potential for trouble? In college he had a major problem, drinking a ton, in private, passing out. He sees his once weekly binges as a huge improvement on college. And it IS... or is it? Should he really be doing this? We're 28, we're adults, and he does want a baby. For me to even consider moving forward with him these things must be dealt with.

So, what does everyone think?

[s_cianci]

It doesn't sound like you have a problem right now. But things like this have the potential to worsen, to the point where they do become a problem. It's definitely something to keep an eye on.

I know that if we were to become serious I would have a problem with his weekly getting drunk.

If this is something you cannot tolerate then he needs to know that.

If it was just weekly hanging with the guys, watching football, having a few beers... that'd be different.

Frankly I don't see much difference here, based on what you've described. I don't think you need to pull the plug on things yet. But be wary and engage in some honest, open communication with him about your concerns.

[simoneaugie]

You're right as rain. He is an alcoholic. To be a good partner he needs to stop drinking completely. Tell him that you want him to be better than he is now. Talk to him when he is sober. Ask that he quits for awhile to see how things go, that you do not want to continue the relationship if he continues to drink at all. I'm saying this to you because I know what it is like living with an alcoholic. You don't want to go there. I think you already know that.

[oneguyinohio]

If you don't want to accept his drinking, then follow the above advice. You know your feelings, and are wise not to ignore something like this that could become a problem. See if he is willing to change his ways or not before you get into something more serious. If you ignore it now, then you are basically giving your permission for it to continue if you stay together.

[talaniman]

I think you should gently express those feelings to him. My gauge of anything is, does it cause me problems in my life??, and self honesty is the key here. Will it get worse?? Not questions that I can answer. I would Google alcoholism, and educate myself. Then ask yourself honestly, if this is a dealbreaker for you today. I don't think anyone can predict if he will get worse. I do know that as you describe him, he is no different than any oter 28 year old, albeit more responsible than most, from your decription. Honestly if that's your only concern, he sounds okay to me.

[aiyerrc]

Are you totally against drinking? If so, it may be a problem, but I don't see ONCE a week drinking as being a problem for a man still in his 20's. See where things go, and if it becomes a real problem, then address it, but don't let it get in the way of starting a great relationship with a great guy... good luck!

[simoneaugie]

It's simple really, if booze causes him problems in his personal relationships, then it is a problem. Normal (normies) people do not drink more than what would make them tipsy. Problem drinkers (normies and alcoholics) can drink way too much, but the normies can leave it alone if it's interfering with other aspects of their lives. Alcoholics prefer to keep their primary relationship with the bottle. All the "reasons" in the world all boil down to the fact that they would rather drink than anything else. If it isn't that way yet? Just give it 5-10 years.

If I am right, and he is an alcoholic, and does not want to quit, then the relationship he's currently in is on rocky ground. If he does not feel that his girlfriend is worth quitting for now, she should find someone with similar values to her own.

[talaniman]

Unless they discuss it, she will never have enough facts to make a reasonable decision.

[lavenderly]

U have to discuss the issue with him but not in an offensive mode or else he will put up his defences. He may think that a lady who is not yet his serious partner has no right to teach him what to do about his once-a-week-drunk rountine. Tell him u are considering a future with him but not if he is hooked on going out every week getting himself drunk.

A few points here to note are...

Will your child(ren) be living with you and him if you two get serious? His alcohol binge could affect your kid(s) and perhaps influence them to start drinking.

Although he does not get violent and abusive, will he pick up on it when he is under stress and has a family of his own? Most husbands and dads start to be abusive when they cannot handle family stress. So, if he gets drunk often, he has great potentials.

Being of the same age as him, you will probably both live just as long. Drinking is bad for health and will damage his liver. Are you ready to care for him for the latter part of his life together with your child(ren) also under your care? Having a drinking problem since college, this man does not seem to be very promising to me even if he says he will quit drinking.

What are your instincts telling you? Will he make a good husband, father, stepfather? If you did not marry him when you were young, perhaps there was a hidden reason behind it that he is not the right one for u. Old flames are easily ignited, but it is hard to keep the flames burning. Trust your instincts.

[mafiaangel180]

You two seem to be on totally different paths right now. You seem to want to settle down, he still wants to be young and have fun. There is nothing wrong with either of these things. But you can't make him settle down, he has to want that for himself. You might want to forget about this one, just keep on doing your thing, and eventually you will find someone who shares your values.

[ISneezeFunny]

I'd hate to say that he's an alcoholic. What does that make college students?

At the age of 28, yes... it does seem that he may be a bit stuck on "college"... getting drunk every week, but as far as an alcoholic, I don't think he is. If you guys do get closer, I'd suggest maybe bringing it up. My girlfriend was not a drinker, and I was a social drinker... and she talked to me about it. We came to an agreement. I go out with my buddies once a month. I don't get wasted. So yeah. All about give and take.

[spitvenom]

Drinking once a week sounds like he is just being a single 28 year old guy, I used to go out to bars every weekend until I got into a serious relationship then I just didn't want to go anymore. I wanted to be with my girlfriend more then sitting in a bar listening to my friends tell the same stupid stories that happened 10 years ago and get shot down by every girl in the bar.

Funny enough I would really go out to the bar to meet girls so I could stop going to bars (what a stupid plan!! ). Then One day I was at a friends house and reconnected with an old friend from high school and now her and I have been together for 3 years we are engaged and I could careless about drinking once a week. Don't get me wrong I still drink but it is usually during some type of sporting event I don't get sloshed or wasted never really did I know when to say when. I have a few beers and call it a night. Hell even my girlfriend drinks during sporting events.

This guys sounds decent enough I think when he has the choice of going to the bar or spending the night with you He will pick you. But if he starts not choosing to be with you and goes to the bar more DUMP HIS STUPID @$$ or you will end up with an alcoholic like my uncle and trust me you don't want that!! But after all my rambling I say GIVE HIM A CHANCE!! Good Luck

[LivingtheLifeinFLA]

You are paranoid, why did you get divorced?