[OnewayJesus]

I am female and 21, I'm in love with a 16 year old male who also loves me.
We have grown up together and we are Christians and attend our local church. At the moment we are unsure if we should tell people. My parents know about the situation but his don't. Therefore we are a secret and have been for a few months. We wanted to ensure that it was genuine and not ‘lust’.
We are unsure how people within the church will take us if we do decide to tell people. It's quite complicated, as we are also both involved within ministries in the church.
Does the 5 year age gap make a massive difference? If so why, n when would it be best to tell people? How do we tell people? Please help, not sure what to do for the best!

[billabong]

I'm 15 and I'm in love with a 20 year old

[peggyhill]

I really hope you're not sexually active with this guy. I'm hoping not since you said that you are both Christians. Maybe you just think you like him because you spend a lot of time volunteering at church. What I mean is, maybe you like how he is so eager to serve God and minister to others. Maybe you are seeing a quality you want in your future husband, and think this guy is the one just because of that. If that is the case, there are lots of other single guys out there who feel the same way about church and God. Guys YOUR age. Sit down with your minister and talk to him. I doubt very much if the church would approve. My brother-in-law dated a girl when he was 16 and he was 21. I thought it was wrong then, and still do. But, they ended up getting married ONLY because she was pregnant. It's kind of sad that she missed out on lots of teenage stuff because she was with someone so much older. I was shocked her parents agreed to it. Let me ask you this. If you don't think it's wrong, why are you afraid to tell people? My advice-talk to your minister, then this kid's parents, then tell him you will be just friends till he is of age.

[shygrneyzs]

You qualify for being a pedophile and sexual offender. 21 years old and no sense. Your parents know? They approve? Give me a break already. You both go to the same Church? What does your Church teach about improper relationships? Why don't you and your underage boyfriend go and talk to your senior pastor and be honest with him. Would be interesting to see what is said.

A five year difference right now is a huge difference. In five more years, when he is 21 and you are 26, it will not be improper as you will both be adults. Give this boy a chance to grow up once. And get yourself into some counseling.

[peggyhill]

Yeah, that's a good point. When you and he are both in your 20s it won't be the same as it is now. But, he is still in school and at a totally different point in his life than you are. I agree that you should speak with your minister and his parents. Are you guys sexually active? If so, you're breaking the law. If all you do is hang out at church, still you should talk it over with his folks. I know a girl who actually got pregnant at a church while volunteering there! I think you should agree to be friends (but not talk and hang out alone) until he is older. If you happen to feel the same way when he is 20, go for it. But, you need to let this kid have a chance to grow up first.

[Fr_Chuck]

When he is 21 and you are 26 there will not be that much of an issue, ( his friends joking about a older women.

At this age, you would be considered a pedophile basically and it is not nromally either legally OK, morally OK, or sociality allowed.

You do not need to date at all, and break off any sort of dating relationship

[talaniman]

If it was real love as you say, wouldn't you wait for him to grow up first?? What do his parents say?

We have grown up together

I don't think so, and the fact your keeping this secret tells me you know better. CHILD MOLESTER

[s_cianci]

At this stage the 5 year age gap does make a difference and is what people refer to as "jailbait." Even if you have no intentions on doing anything "improper", things can still backfire on you and come back to haunt you. And with you as the adult and him as the minor, you're the one who'll take the heat. Now, in 2 short years he'll be 18 ; then you can do what you want with each other with no fear of any legal repercussions.

[jasmine_rezzag]

Normally, 5 years difference is not really a big deal,but the point is that he is only a teenage not a adult! If you really love him,you should know that the most important things for him right now are friendship,education... not adult love! How to grow up is really important for a children or teenage! I think you should understand that well! If you really love him,just be patient and wait! That is all you should do right now!

[OnewayJesus]

I don't appreciate been called a 'child molester' If you know the law well enough you will be aware that at 16 u can marry with parents permission and have sex! We are Christians and have not!
We have grown up together, so please don't tell me I have not, obviously bn slightly older I knew him from when he was born. We don't want to tell people because we know the view people will have on it with there been an age gap, and we don't want to hurt the people closest to us by doing something we can not reverse afterwards. A relationship is a big step and we are looking at it seriously. Not a childish game which can happen and just move on.
If your not going to help me out nicely, then please don't at all. I need someone to tell me what they think with the best answer they can give, not childishly! Thank you!
By the way, I think you need to look in more detail at the peadophile section! I am not talking about sex here! This is not what the relationship is based on and will not be till we marry! Please only say stuff that you know is fact by law! Thank you!

[biggsie]

At 16 he is forbidden fruit -- if he were 18 there would be no problem

What can I say " GOD IS TESTING YOU " can you wait 2 years

If you pass the test, you will have the blessings of the Church

[shygrneyzs]

If you cannot tell people close to you about this "relationship" then you know, deep in your conscience, that this is wrong for this time. Come on now, who are you kidding here? Only yourself.

[ScottGem]

Shy has a very good question for you. Obviously, deep down you realize there is something wrong with this relationship. Lets put the physical aspect of this aside.

At 21 you are allegedly an adult. You should be going to college or earning your way in the world.You should be having adult concerns and issues. At 16 he is still a child. He is more concerned about now then his future. You are from very different phases of your life. Phases that are not compatible.

You talk about having grown up knowing him. I suspect the issue here is more one of familiarity than love. Frankly I think you BOTH need a lot of growing up.

You can see, from the reaction to your post, that society will not look kindly on this relationship. My advice to you is to wait. If you are truly in love then you will still be in love in 5 years. At that time, you may both be mature enough to have a romantic relationship. At this point you are not.

I do have to wonder about the troll aspect of this. This is not the first post of this type we have had. The others all had similar reactions. SoI haveto wonder whether this post was done to get a rise out of us rather than a real issue. I can hardly understand what a 21 yr old woman would see in a 16 yr boy.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am sorry you have not listened to good advice and decided to wait. You obvoiusly don't want to hear the truth, and yes a adult dating a child is basically taking advantange of the youths inexperience and yes to older adults who know better and do not allow their lusts to cloud their vision, this is very close to child molester if one would esp be having sex with them. And the key is "with parents permission to marry" and most likely that is the reason his parents do not know. Since I don't know where you live, it is possible that in many area the age of consent is over 16, so any sex with him at this point would be that of a child molestor and you would or could be classified as that.

And please stop throwing the christian word around, it makes real christians look bad, being a christian is not an excuse to do wrong things

[LearningAsIGo]

Five years at your current age, is a big difference. I'm sure you can remember being that age and relate to how much you've changed in that time.

Personally, I met my husband when I was 19, he was 25. At the time, he had reservations due to my age while I thought he was being judgemental. However, over time I quickly realized how right he was and see a great change in myself as I've aged (we're 29 and 35 now). Now, we have more in common because while the age difference is the same, our emotional, spiritual, and mental age is closer together now that it was before. Basically, we both matured through life experiences and that gap gets closer together as you age.
Even you seem keenly aware that you will most likely be judged even by fellow parishioners if you reveal the relationship. But, do you think they would judge the same if you were 31 and 26? No, they would think nothing of it.

Basically, there is no easy way to do this because somewhere in your life you will be judged and/or questioned about your motives. Its up to you as the adult in the relationship to decide if you can stand up to the pressure and if your BF is capable of it as well at his young age. In all honesty, because you are so much older that him, you'll probably have to become his protector to some extent and decide what's best for him... not you. (Boy, that sounds weird doesn't it?) I have to wonder why you've both chosen not to tell his parents about this.

[talaniman]

I have to wonder why you've both chosen not to tell his parents about this.

Because she knows the consequenses she will have to pay for being a child molester.

[everlastingillusion]

It's only a five year difference.. that's nothing! But you should wait until he's 18. It's only 2 years. If he's that important to you, then you will wait.. so as not to hurt him or the relationship.

[ScottGem]

It's only a five year difference.. that's nothing!

I agree, its nothing when one is 55 and the other 50. Its also nothing if one is 30 and the other 25. But it IS something when one is a minor and the other an adult. This is the mistake many who say age doesn't matter make. As long as one party is a minor and the other an adult it becomes a very big difference.

[peggyhill]

You have to let his parents know what is going on - bottom line. If they tell you to stay the heck away from him, then you have to do just that. I seriously advise you to talk to your minister about this as well. I think it will help.

Until he is 18, his parents are legally responsible for his wellbeing. Therefore until he is 18, you must have their permission. By being in a relationship without their permission, you are walking in dangerous territory. His parents have a right to know what's going on regardless of whether you are having sex or not. Until he is 18, you have to HONOR them the same as you would your own parents. (sound familiar, 10 commandments?)
You call yourself a Christian and say you want to do the right t thing, yet you haven't shown this boy's parents the respect they deserve. You have instead done wrong by not informing them that the time you spend with him is romantic in nature.

I don't care whether it is TECHNICALLY not against the law or not. You are being dishonest and encouraging this boy to be dishonest. I wonder if his parents would want him at the church so much if they knew you were "hitting" on their underage son, sex or not. In 2 years, if this child still likes you, you can date. Until then, show him and his family the respect they deserve. I hope you do the responsible thing.

You're a Christian, you say. Want to hear what God has to say about it?
Mark 9:42 "(Jesus's words) And whosoever shall cause scandal to befall one of these children that believe in me, it would be better for that person to have a millstone hung around his/her neck and cast into the sea."

1 Corinthians 8:12 "And so by sinning against your brothers and sisters in the church, and by wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ Jesus."

[talaniman]

Had to spread it around, but you summed it up nicely.