What now

Foxtrot2112 · Dec 5, 2007, 01:26 PM

Well I figured I had to do something.
What are the experts advice ?

Tks

Wondergirl · Dec 5, 2007, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by Foxtrot2112

Wondergirl....while dancing we had a couple of beers each, so she know and didn't say a word about that

And what could she have said?? She knows you are still drinking. Yes, beer is alcohol and can get you drunk. If she is enabling you by drinking with you, she needs to attend Al-Anon meetings to realize what she is doing.

Stay away from her until you've been stone-cold sober for at least a year.

talaniman · Dec 5, 2007, 04:46 PM

She doesn't have a clue how to help you. If she did, she would not see you again until you had helped yourself, and never drank again.

grammadidi · Dec 9, 2007, 09:53 AM

My guess is that, yes, this woman loves you, however the drinking terrifies her. The only way that this could possibly work is if you follow the advice so clearly given. You need to stop drinking totally - and if you don't have a drinking problem this will not be an issue. However, if you do have a drinking problem, then you need to seek support. Contact your local AA group. Go to 4 to 6 meetings (and participate in at least one meeting) before deciding it's not for you. Once you have been clean a sober for at least a year, then you can ask to see her.

In the meantime, the longer you put these things off, the more likely you are to lose her forever. Once you have committed to a program, write her a letter from your heart. Suggest to her that you feel that you two do have a future together, but you want to ensure you remain sober, so you will not see her until you have been sober at least a year. Suggest that if she feels the way about you that you feel she does, that she should attend Al-Anon so she learns about enabling and gets support to help her through your recovery.

I suggest to you, that if you are not willing to give up alcohol, then you have a problem far deeper than you are willing to admit, and you will lose the love of your life forever. I've said it many times in many situations - a person will move mountains to be with the one they truly love.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

s_cianci · Dec 9, 2007, 10:18 AM

It sounds like her family has a pretty tight grip on her. If her parents are really the conservative Catholics that you describe them as then I'm surprised they didn't kick her out of the house when she got pregnant with her son (unless she was married to the father at the time but your thread doesn't suggest that.) Are you Catholic by chance? If you're not, that could be the root of her family's problem with you. You also may want to consider giving up drinking as you don't seem to tolerate alcohol well and that could be raising red flags in her family's eyes. I don't know if that's due to your chemotherapy or if your biochemical constitution is just such that it can't handle alcohol ; everyone is different in that regard. Either way, at this point your best move is to probably ask her to meet you for dinner some evening so that the two of you can talk everything out and lay it all on the table, so to speak. Let her know how you're feeling and where you're coming from and insist, nicely, that she do the same. You can't change who she is or force her to make a decision but she has to realize that ultimately the choice is hers, not her family's. From your post you actually sound like a pretty decent, respectable guy, save for your indiscretions when you'd been drinking which is why I suggest that you consider giving up the booze. Perhaps you and she could arrange for a way for you to reconcile and reconnect with her family and let them realize that you've given up drinking. That may restore their confidence in you and cause her to be less leery of progressing in her relationship with you.

Foxtrot2112 · Dec 9, 2007, 02:09 PM

S_Cianci,

Thanks for your post.
I guess her parents were intelligent enough to handle the situation when she got pregnant, she was not married by the way.
I am a catholic but on the liberal side of it, I don't think that bothers her parents but most likely the fact that they might think if I did it once I will do it forever.

I realize I sometimes react negatively to alcohol, it makes very insecure and stubborn and that's when I screw up. I don't mind quiting booze completely, I don't drink alone and don't feel the urge to drink.

You're right, the ball is on her side now, there's not much I can do right now, though I'm willing to do anything.
Regarding her family, after the first screw up happened I asked her mom for a minute to have coffee. We did and she told me they were happy when the knew me because they thought I was a good partner for their daughter.

I guess she still thinks she has to decide between her family and me and I think that is wrong. I remember after episode one, she was going to move in with me and once said what if someday we split I will not have you nor my family, that can give you a clue of how she thinks.

That's it, I love her and her child. I hope I can come back here and say thanks for the help and be with her besides me.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2007, 06:30 PM

You're right, the ball is on her side now, there's not much I can do right now, though I'm willing to do anything.

Anything?? I hear you talking, but don't see you walking. The ball is, and has been in your court.

wchirnside · Dec 9, 2007, 06:38 PM

I agree with all the other answers. Stop drinking. It never helps anything and you may get into worse trouble - somehing that may haunt you for the rest of your life. Go to AA, get counselling. Maybe invite your love to go with you so that she can see that you are serious about straightening out your problem.

WC

Wondergirl · Dec 9, 2007, 10:14 PM

Originally Posted by Foxtrot2112

I realize I sometimes react negatively to alcohol, it makes very insecure and stubborn and that's when I screw up. I don't mind quiting booze completely, I don't drink alone and don't feel the urge to drink.

Good! Then we will expect to hear that you are attending A.A. meetings and are in their program!

Alty · Dec 9, 2007, 11:49 PM

I wouldn't approach her until you've been clean and sober for at least 6 months. I know your will be taking a risk that she'll find someone else, but you have to learn to love yourself first before you can offer that love to anyone else. Your drinking is a major problem, I'm actually surprised that she forgave you the first time, you got drunk and drove, you could have killed yourself and an innocent person that night. Fix your problems first and then go to her. If at that time she decides to take you back then great, if not, you'll have to let her go once and for all and move on with your life, either way, Stop Drinking!

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