[Foxtrot2112]

I'll try to summarize the story...

Early March of this year I was leaving the hospital after three long months of chemotherapy for a testicular cancer, the treatment worked as planned and I had just turned 29 in February.

So thinking that a bald and eyebrow less guy would never meet a woman, but it happened in the moment I least expected over at a small get together on a Sunday with some friends.
Going against what's usual I asked her out the next day and we had a great time and we kept seeing each other every other day... we fell in love immediately. For your records she's now 25 and has a year and a half old son which is also deep in my heart.

Let me tell you that what happened next is because I'm a very insecure person...
Around June everything was love love love between us, but one night we had a discussion at a party and she decided not to speak to me, so stupid me decided to start drinking in industrial volumes till I was almost knocked out... I grabbed my car and left at about 4am in direction to her place to see she had arrived Ok.
On the way I bumped slightly another car and believe it or not I called the cops!! even though it was just a scratch. Anyway, after taking me to the hospital to check my blood alcohol level I was taking into the police department till I was sober enough to leave... while I was there a made a very stupid thing: left a voice message at her mom's mobile phone saying a couple of nasty words.

A week and a half passed by and she forgives me, but her complete family which are very conservative catholics just hated me. We start going out with her family not knowing, they threatened her to kick her out of the house if she kept seeing me, but she stand up for me every time till the parents realized it was better to talk to me than having her move in with me.
So we had the talk, and everything started normal again.

Around August I asked her if she would be willing to marry me, to which she said yes and we started planning the whole thing. I was everything she was looking for in life.

But, but, but... almost two months ago I screwed up again.
Drunk one night at a bar I decided to take a taxi and phone her when I was arriving at her place, her brother saw me and sh**t hit the fan.

During 3 weeks I didn't have any contact with her, I tried to get deep within myself to see where I was wrong life. So one day she texts me and asks me to call her.
We started talking every other day, she came with her boy a couple of times for lunch and to take him out to play. She said he was happy being here at my place, we laughed, we had sex, we hughed and bla bla bla.

A week and a half ago we went together to the marriage of the friends who introduced us and we danced and kissed again. Next day I invite her out for dinner then we cam to my place for the ''usual''. I thought we were going in the right direction and was happy about it as I thought this was the love of my life.
But suddenly, two days after the above she calls me and tells me we better not see or talk to each other anymore, no further explanations to which I said I respect your decision but I don't agree.
Then 2 days ago I text her to see how she's doing and calls me back, we talked for a while about what we had been doing but that's it.

I need to make a final attempt to get her back, I guess she's afraid I can screw up again plus having her family against me and against her.

What should be my next move ?


Thanks!!

[Foxtrot2112]

Anybody ?

[grammadidi]

Stop drinking totally.

[Foxtrot2112]

Everybody says the same thing, but although I like to drink, I think alcohol has only shown my insecurities towards some points in my relationships.

[grammadidi]

Well, actually, alcohol has caused you to lose the woman you claim to love - not just once, but twice. It's time to face facts... it's a problem. You can call it insecurities or whatever you want. The bottom line is that it is directly responsible for interfering in your happiness.

I would buy your excuse if it had only happened once, but twice?? You seriously need to stop making excuses for your drinking and quit immediately. If you can't, or won't, especially under these circumstances, then it's a problem.

I do hope you will consider what I have written seriously. Interesting that you are getting the same feedback from a total stranger (with an Addiction Counselor diploma) as you receive from those who know you.

Hugs, Didi

[danielnoahsmommy]

You made some very bad decisions as far as alcohol is concerened you are very imature . She is thinking of her future and her sons future. Raising a child around a "future alcholic" is tourture to a young child. Keep away to you recognize your problems and complete a 12 step program. Best of luck

[Foxtrot2112]

Thanks for all your words!!
I've been into no straight path since she left me to be honest. I work by myself from home and when work ends I feel like nothing else to do than having a couple of drinks with some friends, you know there's always someone willing...

Call it loneliness or whatever, but home is a different place since they left me and I feel there's no way I will get over it, just like other posts I've read here.

Just like in poker games I feel I did an ''All In'' in this relationship... and lost

[grammadidi]

You lost because of your addictive personality. You can keep feeling sorry for yourself and continue to go nowhere, or you can start the process to make yourself a man worthy of the love of a decent woman and child. It's really your choice.

In fact, you did not do an "All In". If you did, you would have stopped the behaviours that pushed her away from you. Look, Foxtrot... you are in pain. The only way to stop being in pain is to get help. You can't do it on your own. You have been through a lot, yes, but now is the time to start handling it all like a man. If you aren't willing, then it's no wonder that you are alone.

Hugs, Didi

[Wondergirl]

I too am a counselor and agree with Didi. Get help for your drinking. Go to AA and follow their program to the max. If you need an addictions counselor, the wonderful folks in AA who know exactly what you are up against can give you driving directions. AA will assign you a sponsor who will also help you over all the speed bumps.

[Foxtrot2112]

I will get help for the drinking, I guess if she was with me now I would do it, but I have to really realize that I have to do it for me.

So leaving the booze issue aside for a moment, how should I approach her to tell her that I still need her because I love her ?

[grammadidi]

Get sober, straighten out your life so that any woman would be proud to call you her man and would trust leaving her child with you, then contact her and let her know you got help for your drinking and you have been sober for a year and would like a third and final chance. You can't do it with promises... need to do it with actions.

Hugs, Didi

[Foxtrot2112]

I've been behaving with reference to alcohol.

So, we've been communicating, more from my side than her's, but in contact anyway. I'm so tired of this back and forth, she is too. But something in me keeps trying to reach for her... I don't want to let go, I can't.

Three days ago I receive a text message at 5am, to make it short we end up meeting a block away from her house. We sit in the lawn of a house like teenagers would do, we hug, we kiss, I hear romantic words coming out of her... then she leaves for a long weekend out to the farm with her family.

Fast forward to Sunday. I call her and tell her to come over for dinner, hesitates and then calls me and tells me that she's coming but for the last time ever. A bit of a lier of me tells her OK. We eat, we speak and then we end up dancing chic to chic, we started kissing and I leave the rest to your imagination.

So why on earth would she come for a ''last supper'', is it me or she really wanted to see me ?

I'm a bit confused, I don't know which direction to follow, I'm afraid... I'm so many things right now but none at the same time... just desolation wondering inside me.

We spoke today, I told her to come over for dinner

[Foxtrot2112]

Update
A week ago I was paying the bill at a local bar where I usually hang out, and where I was having a coke... I come out of the men's room and voilá there she is. I ask her what she's doing there and she tells me she stopped with two friends to use the bathroom and they were on their way to a club a block away to dance.
I ask her if I could join and she tells me Ok. So we go dancing, we start hugging and kissing in the dance floor, the I ask her if she wanted to come over to my place (I live 5 blocks from there) and she says Ok again.
We listened to music for a while and then we came to my bedroom for the obvious.

After that and while hugging each other she says that she's never been so happy as when we were together. Next day she phones in the morning and I phone her at bedtime, she tells me she would love to be with me sleeping with her head on my shoulder.
I told her that I realized that even though we hadn't seen each other for almost a month, we saw each other and everything was still there, she agreed to that.


The day after I call her up to invite her for dinner and she tells once again it's better not to see each other... what the fu&*... who can understand women... I can't.

What should I do/ say/ ?

Thanks.

[Wondergirl]

A week ago I was paying the bill at a local bar where I usually hang out, and where I was having a coke...

So you haven't been drinking and have turned over a new leaf?

[Foxtrot2112]

I do have a drink but much less than before, I don't get drunk or stuff like that, I find it plain stupid.
So, what about my girl ?

[Wondergirl]

Your girl smelled liquor on you? Or knew you still drink?

[talaniman]

She may love you, but will always be afraid of what you will do if you get to many drinks in you, and all due respect, she is correct, and has a child to think about. Your choice is simple, and that is to stop drinking all together, so she can be at peace with you and her family, and be happy and secure. The thing that bothers me is how fast this relationship bloomed, and how quickly the two of you have invested so much,so soon, when its clear that until you make the right decision, there can be no future between you. Stop drinking and live sober, as the others have suggested. The question isn't what to do about your girl, but what you do about yourself. Alcohol has already caused you, and the ones around you much distress, and if you can get over that hurdle, the rest will take care of itself, and you will know what to do about the girl.

[Foxtrot2112]

Wondergirl... while dancing we had a couple of beers each, so she know and didn't say a word about that

Talaniman... thanks for your words. You're absolutely right.

Now, what I have in mind is to try to convince her to come over for dinner and ask her to marry me... when we met last week it was obvious that love and chemistry was still present.
I will do what ever she asks me to do

Do you think it's a good idea ?

Thanks

[Wondergirl]

You're not listening to us. Please work on yourself before you ask her to marry you. The relationship is doomed otherwise.

[talaniman]

Wondergirl....while dancing we had a couple of beers each, so she know and didn't say a word about that

Talaniman...thanks for your words. you're absolutely right.

Now, what I have in mind is to try to convince her to come over for dinner and ask her to marry me...when we met last week it was obvious that love and chemistry was still present.
I will do what ever she asks me to do

Do you think it's a good idea ?

Thanks

NO!! Absolutely not!!!!