[flautist]

My father had surgery many years ago, and since that surgery hasn't been the same. He is still unhealthly and mentally is not all there. He lived with me a couple years ago because my mother cheated on him and they were going to get divorced. Then, they "worked it out".

Well, just last week I got a tip from an annonymous source that she's cheating with several men and is only using my father for his money. He is sick, depressed, doesn't weight much, and is very vunerable. She doesn't work and has no plans to.

I need to know what my legal rights are. I have thought about hiring a private investigator, but don't really have loads of money right now to pay for one. Should I start with a lawyer?

[JudyKayTee]

My father had surgery many years ago, and since that surgery hasn't been the same. He is still unhealthly and mentally is not all there. He lived with me a couple years ago because my mother cheated on him and they were going to get divorced. Then, they "worked it out".

Well, just last week I got a tip from an annonymous source that she's cheating with several men and is only using my father for his money. He is sick, depressed, doesn't weight much, and is very vunerable. She doesn't work and has no plans to.

I need to know what my legal rights are. I have thought about hiring a private investigator, but don't really have loads of money right now to pay for one. Should I start with a lawyer?

What result would you like to see? You basically have no rights because his next of kin is your Mother and her "rights" and wishes are superior to yours. You can always attempt to prove your father somehow mentally incompetent but it will still come back to your Mother having the final say - unless you can persuade the Court she is somehow endangering his health/safety/financial status. Only speaking from my experience the Court has looked on these attempts by children to gain control as attempts to control the finances and preserve any inheritance; the Court has not been favorable.

I don't know if we're allowed to post personal experience - that being said (and please let me know if I am being incorrect) I have investigated more than a couple of these matters for family members, usually for the family of the father when there is a second marriage and a stepmother. My experience has been meeting with the family, showing the family and the father what info I have gathered (good, bad, indifferent) - and having the father say, "She's my wife and I'm not going to do anything," and then becoming estranged from his children. Pretty much no matter what you find out what to do next is your father's decision, as painful as that may be.

It also sounds like he might not be well or strong enough to work his way through a divorce. Of course, if he's in danger you have to try -

[ScottGem]

As Judy said you have no legal rights here and its unclear what you want to accomplish. If you want to care for your father, then you could have yourself appointed as his guardian, but that makes you totally resonsible for him. That might also mean a court battle with your mother.

A word on your mother "cheating" on him. If your father is as unhealthy as you describe, maybe the cheating is simply your mom trying get something your father is no longer able to give her. You don't say how old your parents are, but your mother may truly love your father and want to care for him, but she may be young enough to still have needs he can no longer satisify. So you might try looking at this from that angle rather then the "cheating" angle. I'm not necessarily condoning this behavior, but I can understand it.

[flautist]

Thanks to both of you for your attempts to offer help. However, I was foolish to think someone who is not familiar with my family situation would understand. I am going to wait it out a couple weeks to see if more information surfaces, and if it does, then I will seek legal advice and/or a private investigator in an attempt to protect my father. In the end, my father will have to decide what route he will take.

On another note, shame on you Scott for justifying abhorrent behavior! If my mother is “young enough to have needs my father can no longer satisfy”, then she’s young enough to get a job, start over with someone else and leave my father’s bank account alone.

[ScottGem]

Thanks to both of you for your attempts to offer help. However, I was foolish to think someone who is not familiar with my family situation would understand. I am going to wait it out a couple weeks to see if more information surfaces, and if it does, then I will seek legal advice and/or a private investigator in an attempt to protect my father. In the end, my father will have to decide what route he will take.

I don't think you were foolish, but if you think our advice doesn't take into account information that you have not imparted, then please feel free to add info so we can fine tune our advice.

On another note, shame on you Scott for justifying abhorrent behavior! If my mother is “young enough to have needs my father can no longer satisfy”, then she’s young enough to get a job, start over with someone else and leave my father’s bank account alone.

Excuse me? I was not "justifying abhorrent behavior". I don't see any abhorrent behavior even discussed. I stand by my answer. I do not know what level of care your mother is providing for your father. But I personally know of two situations where one spouse was incapacitated and the other spouse provided loving care. In both cases, the care was given out of love for a long term partner. In both cases, the caregiver sought comfort from a third party that the disabled spouse was no longer able to give. In both cases, family and friends understood and accepted this.

I'm not saying this is the case with your parents. But its certainly a possibility you need to look at. If mom starts over with someone else, then who takes care of dad?

[flautist]

I know your advice is well-intentioned, but it doesn't apply to my situation. I truly am not trying to offend anyone, but all the details needed to clarify this situation could easily constitute a book. Now that I've thought through it, I know what course of action would be best. My heart tells me to protect the weak; it's what I know is right. However, I am a pragmatic person, so I will take things one step at a time, hoping to get more information in the next couple weeks.

[ScottGem]

As I said, I can't tell if it applies to your situation, only that it's a possibility you should consider. If you feel it doesn't apply, then go on from there.

But the only way you will have any legal rights in this matter is to get yourself appointed by a court as guardian for your father. I doubt if there is anything you could tell us that would change that statement. So really your first step is petition in Family Court for that guardianship. You will need to consult an attorney who can advise you what proofs you will need to convince the court to appoint you guardian.

Best of luck.

[flautist]

I agree w/ you. I think that is the best route. What a mess though. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for the help!

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks to both of you for your attempts to offer help. However, I was foolish to think someone who is not familiar with my family situation would understand. I am going to wait it out a couple weeks to see if more information surfaces, and if it does, then I will seek legal advice and/or a private investigator in an attempt to protect my father. In the end, my father will have to decide what route he will take.

On another note, shame on you Scott for justifying abhorrent behavior! If my mother is “young enough to have needs my father can no longer satisfy”, then she’s young enough to get a job, start over with someone else and leave my father’s bank account alone.

I don't know what other information could surface which will change this situation with the possible exception of your father giving you power of attorney - which I am pretty sure your mother would fight. The law is what it is, regardless of personal situations.

It's not that anyone does or doesn't understand the situation - it all comes down to what the legal system does and does not allow.

[flautist]

Of course. Thanks for your help!