[beatlejuice]

Hi all, I recenty just got married in June to my boyfriend of 4 years on & off. I love him very much but I don't know if he is as much in love with me. He is a good husband for the most part. We go to church together and attend a marriage bible study together which helps us deal with the day to day marriage issues. Before we got married he cheated on me while we were engaged and told me he was luke warm about being with me, but I chose to forgive him and open up my wonded heart to him again because he begged me to marry him and promised he would never hurt me again. During that time he really treated me like dirt but since we got married he has changed and seems to be trying hard to be a good man. However he says something's that just put my spirit down and sometimes I think he does it on purpose. I am a beautiful girl and people tell me that all the time every where we go and it seems to bother him when people, both male and female, complement me. He is so critical of me and says very shallow things like are you going to get a fat face when you get pregnant? He also said I think we should get another woman to carry our child so that you don't lose your girlish figure. This really worries me because it make me feel like when I am pregnant he will lose his attraction towards me and cheat on me. I am not looking forward to having children with him anymore because I have fear of rejection and abandonment. I was doing sit ups at home last night and he said remember how firm your stomach was when we first started dating. Then I asked him if he thought I had a nice body and he said you have a nice figure. Then I said what to do mean by that and he said well you don't have a hot body like a stripper, or someone who could win a hot body contest in Hawaii or something.. that is a whole nother level. You just have a normal body of a slender woman. So this morning I confronted him about it and all he was doing was defending and denying what he said. To top my emotional turmoil he said "dont try and blame me for you own self esteem issues!" That just tore my heart into pieces. I am so overhelmed with pain right now, I can not believe someone can be so cruel and sudistic especially someone whom you are meant to spend your life with. I told him it hurt me but all he said was I was just being childish. I am over reacting to these things? Can anyone offer any help? I feel hopeless.

[peggyhill]

It sounds as if he is emotionally abusive. I also don't like the part about him cheating on you. He should be thanking God you took him back after a betrayal like that, not criticizing you. He also seems to have some MAJOR perfectionist issues. Telling you you might get fat when you are pregnant and the idea of having another woman carry your child because of your appearance- THAT'S CRAZY! Not to mention egotistical and just plain mean. I could see having someone else have your kid if it were a health issue or something, but come on! I would leave a guy in a second if he said that to me. Telling you your stomach used to look better, and while you're doing sit ups for goodness sake, is way out of line. If he doesn't change his behavior, I would leave him. What if you have a kid together? What if your hubby makes your son or daughter feel bad about their body too? It could give him/her a lifetime of self esteem issues. Speaking of which, how dare he tell you not to blame him for yours. He seems to be the cause. I would advise you to seek counseling, at church or elsewhere, by yourself. You will be able to talk more freely with out him there. Tell the counselor about the things he says to you. Also, I would give him an ultimatum- no more nasty comments and you both go to more counseling together- or you leave him. If the marriage bible study is in a group setting, I would get some counseling privately. This stuff is a big deal, and you should get in a setting that only focuses on the two of you. And no, you aren't over reacting to any of this. It's called emotional abuse, and can be every bit as devastating as physical abuse. You deserve better. Make sure to see a counselor by yourself too. This isn't a healthy relationship. I hope this helps! God bless!

[LearningAsIGo]

Hun, your husband is emotionally abusive and there is no excuse for it. I'm sorry that he cheated on you, which has no doubt soured your relationship before it really had a chance to begin.

Ask him to attend marriage counseling (with a counselor or your pastor) ASAP. Nip this in the bud before you're suffering for a lifetime. He MAY just need a wake up call... or you may discover that he will never change. Either way, its important for you to remember that you deserve someone who loves, cherishes, and respects you through actions and words. If he's not capable of that, you need to move on.

He goes to church and bible study... but he needs more because it certainly doesn't seem to be sinking in. He just said his vows to you... that includes HONORING his wife. Don't let him continue to abuse you for long or you'll start to believe his vicious lies.

We were just married in June too... I just can't imagine. Because my own father was just like this, I'll be damned if I let my husband act that way. I went through it, so I know that I'm worth being treated better than that... and my future children as well. You deserve a good marriage as well.

If he won't go to counseling, go without him. You can raise yourself up and if he can't keep up, that's his problem.

Good luck to you

[Wondergirl]

Isn't there anything else to talk about besides your body??

Find things you can do together -- go to your public library and get the locations of local places of interest neither of you have been to and then go there, go horseback riding or bowling, together become volunteers at a hospital or animal shelter or nursing home and get outside of your own lives into the lives of creatures you can help in some way. Redecorate a room together. Start a hobby together like photography. Maybe along the way you will find out some wonderful things about each other.

[beatlejuice]

Thank you so much for your responses, I feel better because I thought I was too sensitive for nothing but I knew it was emotional abuse. I know from the comments he makes he probably sound like a real jerk but he has his strenths. He is very affectionate and tells me he loves and that I am beautiful on a regular basis. But then he also says these other things which contradict and that just make me confused. I could also say mean things to him but I don't because I love him so much and I can't bare to hurt him in that way. So I wonder how can he see me in so much emotional pain and feel zero compassion or remorse? Does he really care about me then? I am afraid of him because I just feel like he is out to find something to hurt me. I have never had self esteem issues till I met him. I have always been self confident and very happy with my appearance. So it eats me up to think that he can say those mean things to me and then say Im the one with self esteem issues. The pain I feel is so deep, I feel hopeless. I am just glad I am able to talk about it with you guys because I have no one else. I don't really have a close friend I can trust (the few I have will just say we told you so) and my mother lives thousands of miles away on another continent and I don't want to tell her because she came all the way here for the wedding and is so happy for me and I don't want to disappoint her and bring her spirits down. Divorce is not an option so I guess the counselling option is a good one because I don't know if I can take anymore abuse. I will talk to him about it.

[peggyhill]

I'm just curious, why isn't divorce an option? Is it a religious reason? I mean, I can see you not wanting a divorce right now, but what if he is still doing this a year from now? Would it be an option then? If you don't believe in divorce on matter what, then you could still separate if he continues this. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything! I just don't want you to be with anyone who makes you sad. You should tell him that his physical condition isn't "hot body contest" worthy either! Unless he is Mister Universe, he should keep his mouth shut, esp. about sit ups! I hope you guys work things out! Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm on this site about every day.

[beatlejuice]

I'm just curious, why isn't divorce an option? Is it a religious reason? I mean, I can see you not wanting a divorce right now, but what if he is still doing this a year from now? Would it be an option then? If you don't believe in divorce on matter what, then you could still separate if he continues this. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything! I just don't want you to be with anyone who makes you sad. You should tell him that his physical condition isn't "hot body contest" worthy either! Unless he is Mister Universe, he should keep his mouth shut, esp. about sit ups! I hope you guys work things out! Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm on this site about every day.

Thank you so much Peggy! Divorce is not an option for me because as a christian we are taught that you can work through any marital problems as long as both are willing to make it work. Jesus/God said divorce is only called for when there is abandonment ot infidelity because that is what breaks the covernant. When I got home last night he had cooked me a nice dinner because he wanted to make up. But I told him I was not just going to forget about what he said and that I wanted to deal with it. So at first he was very defensive acting like I was being unreasonable for feeling that way and said he was not trying to put me down he was just trying to give me the honest truth on world standards. So I said why would you compare me to a stripper? And he said he was just trying to give an example. So I said how would you feel if I compared you to other men who are better looking or more sucssesful than you are. I think that hit home with him because he is NOT Mr Universe and he appologised and said I had the perfect body for him.. So I just decided to let it go. I am hoping he has learnt his lesson.

[peggyhill]

That's great that he apologized! It sounds like he realized his actions were hurting you. It sounds like you guys are both really committed to your marriage and I think that's awesome! There should be more people out there willing to work through the hard times. It sounds like you have a good thing going. He probably didn't realize how he sounded when he said that stuff. Well, good luck to you guys! God bless!

[Kadehadaire]

I hope so. I hope he does learn from his mistakes. Marriage is such a big decision and once taken, you should think hard about breaking it. Infidelity while you were engaged - I will never understand or accept that.

I wish you all the luck and blessings in the world.

[donf]

Beatlejuice,

LOL - He actually told you that the body of a stripper was a whole different level. Shoot that animal and put him out of his misery. METAPHORICALY SPEAKING!

If I ever tried that, I'd be missing the lower part of my jaw. My first suggestion for you is to close your eyes and picture a tropical island and you sitting on the beach listening to the waves roll onto the shore. Now stretch your arms out, here is a hug for you alone. I hope you enjoy it.

Next time dumbo tries to belittle you, ask him if he really thinks he's charming you at some level and then let him know that he is not succeeding.

One other thing, when your are receiving compliments, he isn't. Enter the green eyed monster of jealousy. Tell him the truth. Let him know that you defended his honor the other day. Some one said he wasn't fit to live with the pigs and you replied that that was untrue. You are suitable to live with the pigs. I know that story line came out of vaudeville by I don't know the comics name. It could have been Henny Goodman

[savedsinner7]

I was married to a man who did many of the same things. Emotional and verbal abuse cut the deepest. As you are Christian, I hope these verses minister to your heart.

1 Corinthians 7:15-17 (New Living Translation)
New Living Translation (NLT)
Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.


15 (But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife[a] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[b] to live in peace.) 16 Don't you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don't you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?

17 Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches.

Spirit-Guided Relationships: Wives and Husbands
21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word.[b] 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”[c] 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


I understand what it's like if your husband does not follow and believe as you do. This book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs really helped. Here's the website:
[ loveandrespect.com ] Love and Respect - Presented by Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs
I know you want him to change, but from personal experience, you must change first. Submit to God and He will bring your husband into line with His will.

[RubyPitbull]

Beetlejuice, you have received some very good advice here. I will take it one step further. That discussion that you had -- it is called COMMUNICATION. That is the key to a good marriage. If he says something objectionable, you always need to call him on it. Stop the abuse immediately with ration and logic. Look at how you handled it the second time and compare it to how you handled the situation when this discussion first took place. The second time around, you didn't respond emotionally but you asked him to put himself in your place. That was very wise and it is the only way he will understand how hurtful his words are. You made a comment earlier about loving him too much to say hurtful things to him. That is the newlywed talking. If you don't continually work at nipping this kind of behavior in the bud now, you will quickly tire of it, get angry and frustated, and your conversations will break down into nasty vicious arguments in which you most certainly will say things to hurt him. The first year of marriage is that time where we need to adjust living with another person and set the pattern for how we deal with issues together. So, you need to think about how you want and expect to be treated in your marriage, and communicate that to your husband. You deserve nothing less.

[angelp]

Hi there, I think all the all the advices given here are just great and you should keep it all in mind. I'm glad to hear also that you are standing up for yourself.
My sister is in a marriage just like how yours is. And you should learn to put your foot down when really needed. That's what my sister did. She once even walked out of the house and showed that she really meant business and that she wasn't dependent on him (cos that seems to have been partly why he was mean) He thought she didn't have the guts to leave him and also since we are christians too, she never would.
Today, though he is still a bit mean sometimes, he listens to her when she puts her foot down and is making an attempt.
So what I'm saying basically is that don't take crap or you will suffer all your life.
Be stern when you have to and never let his words get to you

[N0help4u]

He is not only emotionally abusive he is very shallow.
When he belittles you tell him he isn't that hot (or whatever) either but do I put you down!
He needs his ego deflated a few notches and that just be what it takes.