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indecipher411 · Oct 16, 2007, 09:38 AM

I have been dating a girl for 3 1/2 months. The relationship has moved VERY fast as we are living together and talk about marriage , which I have always been for. The entire time has been absolutely magical, one of those "true love"/"soul mate"/"you're my other half" loves. I have never been so in love.

So several days ago she and her friend were sitting here talking and the friend brought up a time from my girlfriend's past which stunned me - About 7 years ago, she had sex with her ex-boyfriend and simultaneously gave oral sex to his cousin. The rest of the story is that they were all drunk, and it only happened for a few minutes, and never again, and she was very upset and embarrassed by the event afterwards.

I have always hated these kinds of past events. If I had known this about her when I met her I would have NEVER been with her. I know that sounds harsh or weird but it is the absolute truth. That kind of information would have tainted my thoughts about her no matter how perfect I thought she was otherwise. I literally left the room to go throw up when I heard this.

The friend is very open sexually and thought nothing of saying this to me, but I am incredibly hurt/jealous/shocked by all of this. I know the usual "Hey, it's in the past" but that isn't working with me. I've always had a tough time just knowing that my girlfriends even had sex before me, so this is especially difficult. We have talked about it several times - the closest we've come to arguing in our whole relationship- and all she can really say is "I can't do anything about it now." She is upset that I am so upset by all this.

I KNOW this girl loves me and we could be VERY happy together but right now I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. How do I reconcile my love for her and dismiss such a horrible event?

madaman · Oct 16, 2007, 09:42 AM

Get over it. That's the only advice I can give you. What she did in the past when she wasn't with you doesn't mean anything. She is with you now (but not for long if you don't let this go).

Watch the movie chasing amy for a similar story to yours.

crushedovernover · Oct 16, 2007, 11:06 AM

To be talking about marriage after only dating 3 months. Slow down holy moly..

Lowtax4eva · Oct 16, 2007, 11:10 AM

If you didn't know this think about what else you don't know about her.

Slow down and take more time to talk to her, as for this, it's nothing she can change so you have to accept it and get over it.

But definitely more time needs to be spent getting to know each other before going any further with talk of marriage.

Jiser · Oct 16, 2007, 11:59 AM

Woh man slow down as said above, you should still be dating. Things might just suddely go tits up the way your going. Have a life outside your relationship!

Regarding the sex thing, she's with you now. Unfortunately as you get older your probably find everyone has a sexual history. - It what makes who we are, our history and either you lump it or you like it.

s_cianci · Oct 16, 2007, 03:02 PM

Definitely SLOW DOWN. As Lowtax says, there's a lot you still don't know about her but need to before you can ever talk of anything serious like marriage. What you don't know now definitely can hurt you. That's why it's very important to really get to know people before ever considering anything serious with them and getting to know people takes time and lots of it.

Synnen · Oct 16, 2007, 03:07 PM

Wow.

I hope she gets over YOU, actually. So she has a past--dont' you? Didn't you ever do ANYTHING that you're afraid she'd find out and hate about you?

Grow up. 3 months is too fast, and you need to either just get over it (you have to decide that you're going to, you know) or let her go, because you can not change the past.

You say it bothers you that she's had sex before--but I notice you don't seem to hold yourself to those same standards (if you did, you wouldn't be having sex 3 months into a relationship). The double standard should have gone out the door with the idea that women need to stay home, have kids, cook, clean, and basically be an extension of their husband. Obviously, it didn't.

madaman · Oct 16, 2007, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by indecipher411

About 7 years ago...
The rest of the story is that they were all drunk, and it only happened for a few minutes, and never again, and she was very upset and embarrassed by the event afterwards.

It was 7 years ago and she felt horrible about it. People make mistakes, and if they learn from them then it wasn't pointless.

I do agree the 3.5 months thing is crazy though, I think that should be a lot bigger of a deal than a threesome 7 years ago.

statictable · Oct 16, 2007, 05:49 PM

Is it better knowing or not knowing? Have you ever told a friend a very funny joke but before telling the joke you had them promise not to laugh? I can't imagine you ever have. Have you ever had someone tell you they had extremely personal information about a close friend but before telling you there had to be a promise not to cry, scream, get angry etc. Hard to promise not to laugh or cry in such cases but you had no promise to make and didn't know if this was a joke or for real. Now your going to find out how bright you are. You loved her and all was well, you still love her but your mind is melting down and flowing into your shoes and she knows that you know; don't forget about her mind and heart and what she's feeling. OK, if you are going to stay with her you must put the past back where it belongs and all those questions you have will have to be put away forever. DO NOT question her over and over about this or you'll kill any chance of a healthy relationship. Your trust in her was important from the start and can continue without a pause if you can bite down and move through this together with eyes forward and your hands extended to greet her with your trust and your love. PS The brain dead girl who informed you should be ignored; she can't help it.