[feelingalive]

When I was 18 I got married. Right before the wedding things were up and down mostly I thought because of the stress of the wedding and dealing with family, etc. they were just little arguments nothing major. We moved in next door to my husbands parents because they gave us a piece of land. Things were OK at first I appreciated all the help we got living so close to them, as well we opened up a store so they always were there to help. Soon it took a turn - my mother in-law would go to our home and use the emergency key when we were at work and snoop in our things. If she gave us vitamins she would check the cupboards to see if we were taking them. At work she would come in a few days a week and stare over my shoulder telling me how to answer the phone, and how to do everything. I was very frustrated but every time I aproached them or tried to talk to my husband about it they would get very offended and hurt saying I was ungratefull to not appreciate all the help. We have no children so I started staying away from home more hanging out with friends and family and somehow let my guard way down to a friend of somebody I associated with. I had an affair for a year - a horrible choice that I wish I could change.I very much enjoyed my time with the other person I felt more appreciated when it came to the little things. My husband drank lots and loved to party since we are still so young. Its been 2 1/2 years now since we got married. Were still together but fight almost everyday - at work when were together and at home. Everyday he brings up or says rude comments about the affair, and I get angry because things have been sorted out, and that's a time in my life I regret, not one I want to dwell on. I'm not happy but when I think about my life without him it makes me very sad. I still think about the other person way too much and wonder what life would be like with him. I also went to counseling hoping my husband would join me after a while but he refuses even though he says he loves me and wants everything to get better and for us to stay together. Please give some advice!

[erlobenauer]

I don't know what to say except : It takes two to make a marriage work!

[katieperez]

Oh honey, this is a dilemma. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. Perhaps you love your husband in a way you love a family member or close friend, not as a lover and companion? Sounds like you find comfort and security in your marriage, not so much partnership. Also sounds like you've found passion in this other man. Maybe what intrigues you about him would also die out if you two were together. It's hard to say. It's also hard to say if you're husband will ever stop making comments about the affair. It's much easier to forgive than it is to forget and accept. He may not be fully healed. This will ultimatley be a decision of the heart. If you're unhappy, it's really not fair for either one of you to stick it out. Especially with you having so much life left to live and being without children. I was first married at 20. We were married in Cleveland on May 28th of 04 and moved to NC on the 29th. We then filed for separation July 6th of 04. A whoppin' 38 days of nieve marriage. I realized that I married for all the wrong reasons and the love I felt for him wasn't the marriage kind of love. So rather than try to make something work that my heart wasn't in, I quit. He desperately tried to change my mind, but it just never would have worked. We would have ended up wasting gosh knows how long pretending to be happily married. The following August I met a man that I ended up marrying 1 1/2 years later. We're still going strong :) I really do wish the best of luck to both of you in whatever decision you make. Remember to listen to your heart :)

[N0help4u]

Sounds like you were overwhelmed at marrying a whole family. It's worse when it is the parents than if he had kids. They sound like they smother the two of you and he doesn't
Tell them that you want your own life together because he is so accustomed to it that he doesn't even realize it isn't normal.
There isn't much you can do about his remarks except keep asking him if and when he will let the past go and accept the here and now.
If you can maybe go to marriage counseling even if he won't.

[RubyPitbull]

Well goodness! Your life has already turned out very complicated at only 21 or so years of age. First thing you need to realize is that you made a huge error in judgement accepting as much help as your in-laws gave to you if you aren't willing to be treated as an additional child. That is what is happening with your in-laws. Although you and your husband are adults, the fact that you started being supported financially by your in-laws (given land, help with the store,. ) has given your Mother-in-law quite a bit of power over your life. You wanted the help but didn't count on the interference. You have learned a valuable basic life lesson here. Nothing in life is free. It is a rare person who gives completely from the heart and doesn't expect anything in return. It is safe say that your mother-in-law is not a rarity.

You need to understand that you have broken your husband's trust and that is not an easy thing to earn back. He is having trouble putting this behind him. It is a shame that he refuses to go for counseling to help him with this. It appears that he is in a holding pattern and wants to continue to make you pay for your lack of good judgement. He probably doesn't understand why you would choose to pull away and look for someone else when everything was being handed to you on a silver platter. You are thinking about this other man because he was your escape from these feelings of suffocation and intrusion by your husband's family. I bet he doesn't feel as suffocated by his parents as you do and that is huge difference to have hanging between the two of you. I suggest that you continue with your counseling sessions. You need to figure out if you really want to stay in this marriage and make it work. You have three other people in your life (hubby & in-laws) who will most likely not change the way they are living and the way they handle things just to make you happy. Especially after what has occurred. The time to speak with them about the interference was prior to conducting a year long affair. You need to understand that they don't see anything wrong with being as so involved with each others lives as they are. So you must figure out if you can buckle down and accept living your life in this manner. If you can't, it is time to cut your ties and get a divorce.