[Astrid86]

Hi there, Im needing to get opinions about a dilemma I am facing. I am 20 years of age and have been with my partner for almost 4 years now. I am head over heels for him even more so now than 4 years ago. My question relates to marriage. One year after we started dating he proposed to me. I said no as I was not in a point in my life ready to marry. He said to me that he was ready and that when I am too he would be waiting, only it would be me to get down on one knee. For us it has never been a question of if we will get married it is just matter of when. My problem is not so much with our love for one another but of our families and his religious upbringing. My partner is South African and along with that comes his culture. He was bought up in a religious environment where marrying at an early age is quite the done thing. His brother of 23 has just married too. Myself, I am an atheist and have come from a family where the motto is “ live your life there is plenty of time to settle down and do the family thing later”. People say if you marry young you give up your dreams, I do not see marriage as the end of life it is just the beginning. My partner and I have coped with our religious differences, I have been sworn at and told I wasn’t good enough by church members and he has been called a hypocrite. Together we have coped. If we marry I know it will be a huge complication but we r firm in the knowledge that he would raise any children with his religion but ultimately whether they attend will be their decision when they are old enough. I will support this and his beliefs I just choose not to accept them for myself. If we marry his family will finally accept me but if I do I risk losing contact with my mother who I know would be against such a young marriage as she was married with a kid ad divorced at 19 ½. Just to explain we are both out of school. We live in New Zealand and have completed our high school education he then took up a trade as a chef and I a course in travel and tourism. I work full time live out of home and am fully independent. He chose to reskill as an electrician (a year after being in the cheffing industry) which he is doing now and is living at home. His family beliefs mean that you get married and move in together where as I have always believed you should live with your partner first. On this topic one of us needs to sacrifice their beliefs and I don’t know if this should be me. My partner thinks that you shouldn’t dip your toes in the water; you get married and come home from your honeymoon in the firm belief you are going to go home to a brand new life together. He feels that you don’t fall out of love with someone because they leave the toilet seat up. Marriage is not just a proclamation to the world of your love for one another but a commitment to work through what ever is thrown your way together. If your going to let a few habits get in the way then u never really were committed in the first place. I understand what he means. I want to marry him and I know one day I will it is just a matter of do I compromise living with him first for his religious beliefs and to preserve his relationship with his family at the risk of losing my beliefs and my family. Any advice on this topic would be much appreciated, how do you deal with religion in a marriage and different family beliefs?

[RickJ]

Remember, you're asking for opinions here, so here's mine:

The difference in your religious beliefs will come into play sooner or later... and definitely so and strongly so if you have kids. How do you imagine that working? If he is strong in his faith, then do you just "go along" with it?. or do you tell the kids "I just don't believe that" - and let him handle all the religious stuff. I've seen it done both ways, but neither way sends a very clear message to the kids.

In fact, what I've seen most frequently happen is that the kids would gravitate toward your view, as learning a faith system is "work" in a way... so they take the way that seems easier to them: "Mom doesn't do this stuff", and that sort of thing, if you can see what I mean.

... then they come to you "Mommie, how come you don't _________?" Then what do you say? You can't just say "I just think daddy is wrong". You'll have to come up with something real constructive... and probably something that you don't really feel.

Ok, I'm rambling now... so will stop... but hope it gives you something to think about.

[talaniman]

You should wait until you are ready and just my opinion,why does one have to give up everything for the other when you should be sharing life equally. Just me but I could never ask my wife to give up her family just because I wanted to please my family,sorry that is insane and wouldn't work for me at all. Keep talking for now and see if you can come up with a better way to approach your future so Both of you can be happy!:cool: ;)

[milliec]

Well, I still can't express my appreciation to Talaniman, so I have to do it this way. At least I could agree with Rickij
I'd like to add the following, to the things already mentioned in these two letters:
To add to Rickij:
Here in Israel, there are an infinite number of shades of Judaism, by this I mean different degrees of observing the religion and traditions, and these raise exactly the situations described by Rickij
Like Talaniman, I don't think one should give up one's life when married - this is going to create bitterness and resent in the future. Each of your families is part of your own self -how can you cut yourself off part of your own self?
One more thing: are you ready?
You must have at least some economic foundation before kids arrive (and you'll be surprised how quickly they arrive... )
And your careers:
You sound like yours is going to take you somewhat away from home- or have I got it wrong? In case I'm right, hoe's your boyfriend going to accept this?
One last thing which bothers me; what did he mean by:" only it would be me to get down on one knee" ?
To me it doesn't sound nice - but there might be some misinterpretation on my side: English is not my 1st language.
Good luck
Millie:)

[talaniman]

Milliec, I think she mean't that she would have to ask him to marry her because she had her chance to accept his proposal and she blew it! This was a red flag to me, but what would I know, since I've only been married 32 years?:cool: :eek:

[Astrid86]

Hey, Thank you all for your advice its been great to get some others opinions on the matter. Talaniman is right that he meant that it would be me who would have to propose next time. It wasn't meant in a bad away though he said " I love you with all my heart and know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will wait until you are ready but next time when you are ready let me know....itll be your turn to ask. Im not going anywhere". In other words he was putting the ball in my court meaning the next move would be mine.

[milliec]

Milliec, I think she mean't that she would have to ask him to marry her because she had her chance to accept his proposal and she blew it! this was a red flag to me, but what would I know, since I've only been married 32 years?:cool: :eek:

Right! (they wouldn't let me, again put it in the little box)
That's what I thought it was, I just wished to "hear" how it was said, as close as possible to what's been said (memory plays games with ALL of us ) - I got the feeling this was the case.
While it doesn't have to be a negative message - this depends on a host of many other things, among them, the intonation - it might be neutral, or can be said with kind humor, or can express hard feelings.
In this case, since they've been a couple for quite a while, and she didn't want to commit yet when the question was asked, I think that it should be like: tell me when you do/ if you do, tell me/ or you bring it up when you find it's right...
Whatever.
Good luck dear, and please write how are things going
Millie:)

[fredg]

Hi,
"how do you deal with religion in a marriage and different family beliefs?"
The above quote from your question seems to be your main question.
In short, it's very, very difficult!
In America, over half the marriages end in Divorce. Marriage takes real work to "make it work". Money, arguments, some of the things you mentioned, when to have babies, who will take care of the baby, both people working, etc, are all issues that a married couple face; not even to bring families into it yet. So, you already know marriage has it's own issues between just two people.
Now, the families come into play. How about their grandchildren? Are these families going to become so distant or dislike each other so much that they will not be able to see their grandchildren? Is one family going to dislike the other in the marriage so much they won't even speak to them?
You will be facing many more challenges than just a couple whose families are "in agreement" with the marriage.
Even though one partner is willing to "give up" family beliefs, the family itself may not be willing to share in the marriage because of it.
I do wish you the best, and your challenges are just beginning!

[Muligan]

Marriage is about compromise,
it is the joining of two single people into one life and one whole.
It is a huge step.
It will be tough with many ups and downs along the way,
even more so because of your differing belief systems.
The question you have to ask yourself is...
Are you willing to compromise your values and beliefs to accommodate your partner?
and just as importantly, or even more so, is your partner willing to do the same?
Surely if the two of you are willing to do so and accommodate each others differences, on every level, then it'll work.
everything else is simply a side issue/detail.
Don't sweat the small stuff,
because right now they are small issues.
Family, have the two of you come into conflict with each others families in the past? If so, chances are it will happen again.
That's life and like everything else we have to take our families good with their bad. You may have done this before, is it inconceivable that you could do it again?
Children... do you plan to have children within the next 5years? If not why not cross that bridge with your partner when you get there?
If so sit down and plan it out constructivly step by step,
what are your goals for the short term...
do you want to travel?
where are your respective careers going?
do you want to rent, or buy a house?
(what area/city/suburb would you like to live in?)
Do it constructivly,
step by step... sit down and talk, how is your relationship with your partner in regards to being able to talk to him?
I've thrown quite a lot out there as questions and ideas but in conclusion
Your still you young,
there's plenty of time to worry about tomorrow.
What is today like?
Why create problems for today because of percived future problems.
Live in the now, let tomorrow take care of itself.
You can't hold back a dam by worrying about the water behind it,
so why try? :)

[s_cianci]

I think I have to agree with your partner on this one. I feel that living together first is a cop-out. The two of you are young but seem to have sufficiently established yourselves so that you could be married now if you wanted to. I will say, however, that religious incompatibility, when present in a relationship, is often a huge problem for couples. Religion (or the absence of it) is a key defining factor when it comes to a person's self-concept and , consequently, what they bring into a relationship. As a result, when they conflict between the two parties in a relationship, it often creates fundamental differences that are simply insurmountable. You've already seen a glimpse of it, involving other people who aren't even directly involved in your relationship. Obviously you can't let yourself be swayed by what other people think but as you're already seeing the pressure exerted on your partner, whose religious persuasion is decidedly different from your own, is very intense. This is very common in any "mixed" relationship where matters of religious faith are concerned. I'm not saying that it can't work but you'll have a long, hard road to hoe, more so than most couples. I'd give the matter some serious thought before moving on in this relationship.

[carly381]

Agree: Tottally