[whydididothat]

A year and a half ago I was deployed to Iraq and while I was there I developed a physical relationship with a girl who was there. After returning home my wife found out about it and we tried to work on our marriage. We went about it all the wrong ways and ended up 6 months later separated. It's now been 5 months since we separated and I have yet to let go... My wife has filed for divorce and has moved on to a new boyfriend and new life. We have two kids together so we will never be able to get the other one completely out of our lives.

All fine and dandy... I just need to learn to move on like she has... right?

Catch is once every two weeks or so she will call me and tell me she misses me or whatever... She will ask me to come over and try to work on our relationship... Every time it ends with her telling me she doesn't love me and I need to leave... but every time something goes further... It starts as kissing and hugging to making out to making love to me spending a few nights at her house... but like I said it always ends... She goes and runs back to her boyfriend (who yeah she is still with... ) In the end she will tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me that she is in love with her boyfriend and only misses the relationship that we had together and not me... I'm a fool who is in love with her... I will do anything to get her back but I keep getting hurt more and more each time... I listen to the advice from everyone to include my friends, her friends and even her parents... and they are all the same... Just stay away from her to keep from hurting myself...

I don't know what to do anymore... Now this week her boyfriend is out of town and she wants me to come over to see if there is anyway that she can find the feelings for me without feeling the need to kick me out and call him over... I don't condone this because she hates me for cheating on her... but technically now she is the one cheating on her boyfriend... I know what I did was wrong... Everyone tries to use me being in Iraq as an emotional excuse for it... I do accept that it was a different type of cheating but I don't use it as an excuse... I have learned from what I did and have made myself a better man because of it... I say it was a different type of cheating because it wasn't like I had a choice to go home to my wife or be with another girl... I would have never chose anyone over my wife... I think the world of her and hate myself for letting my depression and physical desires take over me... I love her with all of my heart and can't even picture myself with another woman then her...

Lastly... It not only confuses me but her dad too (I work with her dad and he often pulls me to the side to talk to me about the situation... he's overly involved in our lives but has always been... sometimes I wish they would but its also nice to know someone who is going to automatically support her giving me advice on what to do)... but anyway... She isn't hiding the fact that I come over to her boyfriend... (she doesn't tell him what happens) but he knows that I come over to work on our relationship... and he knows this happens over and over every few weeks... why is he even putting up with that? He has nothing to lose... They've been together a few months... I have 7 years and 2 kids with her... THAT'S why I keep trying... I just don't understand...

I guess I have a few questions...

Do I keep trying with her and getting hurt only to hope that one day she will finally ditch the boyfriend and come back to me?

How do I make her truly realize that I have changed and my actions were not me but just a form of depression and emotional pains of being in Iraq?

What am I supposed to do when I am with her? How do I help her uncover the feelings that she used to have for me? I refuse to believe that she has no feelings for, but believe that they are just covered by anger, pain, and her new boyfriend...

I feel like she is using him as an escape to having to deal with getting over her pain... I have told her a million times how much I care for her... She tells me the KNOWS I am sorry for what I did... she KNOWS I regret it... and she even told me that she believes I have changed... but... why aren't we still togther then?

[GlindaofOz]

She sounds either very confused or very manipulative. I think that you should stop rushing back to her and giving her what she wants whenever she wants it. Is it not odd to you that she wants you around when her boyfriend is not available? Do you not think that she is using you? It seems like she wants to be in this new relationship while being able to pull you back in whenever she chooses.

I say the next time she asks you to work on your relationship tell her that the only way you will do that is through counseling. She seems to just be using working on your relationship as an excuse to be intimate with you in some way. If you cut her off in that sense then I think she will get over this confusion real quick

[Chery]

Dear Why...

I know this will hurt you, but I think it's the only way you might have a chance. You need to take away what she is used to getting from you, stop pampering her.

She knows that you will always be available... but turn that around and be available only for couple counseling and whatever you two have to do for the children. Demand regular time with the children so that they will feel that you are a steady part of their lives.

You don't however, need to assure her of your availability for HER. As a matter of fact, you should try and be as 'cool and collected' around her and don't give in to her manipulations.

When you deny her, you are letting her know that she has to make up her mind to either try and work on loving and trusting you again, or to plan on being a 'divorced family'.

You are a human being, not a monster. And the mistake you made is a forgivable one - and you need to start by forgiving yourself. I'm sure that you are also willing to forgive your wife for 'cheating' on her new boyfriend and you, so don't you think it time for her to forgive you?

I hope, for you, that you can stand strong while she is growing up.

So, for now.. keep your body and emotions from her so that she will have time and a chance to miss them.

[statictable]

First, buy a puppy then buy a new hat and under NO circumstances make contact with her or ask about her via friends etc. One person can turn the page and never forget what they read and others will simply remember the page number/s so they can return and take it all in again. A kid is driving his parents car and receives a cell phone call from his dad who gets on the kids case big time. The driver continues on his way after accepting his dad's complaint. Same thing takes place with another person and while chewing on the complaint this kid drives his parents car like he was Nascar's Rookie of the year. He felt that he had an excuse to do what he did. Now if these 2 young men were faced with a fact of betrayal what might their response be? Acceptance for one and for the other, "now it's my turn." Imagine what you could put together if it was "your turn?"

[talaniman]

You have hurt your wife and family deeply and now that guilt allows you to let her hurt you. What a vicious cycle. Acknowledge your mistake, and forgive yourself, and stop letting the ex use you, and torment you. It is up to you so beyond your kids leave her alone to find her own healing, and you focus on yourself. You can overcome the mistake you've made.

[stonewilder]

Whydididothat]


Catch is once every two weeks or so she will call me and tell me she misses me or whatever... She will ask me to come over and try to work on our relationship... Every time it ends with her telling me she doesn't love me and I need to leave... but every time something goes further... It starts as kissing and hugging to making out to making love to me spending a few nights at her house... but like I said it always ends... She goes and runs back to her boyfriend (who yeah she is still with... ) In the end she will tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me that she is in love with her boyfriend and only misses the relationship that we had together and not me..

.

It sounds like she is trying to hurt you for the hurt you caused her.

I don't condone this because she hates me for cheating on her... but technically now she is the one cheating on her boyfriend...

She is not married to him with two kids either. You broke her heart, now don't judge her for what she might have never done if not for your actions.

I know what I did was wrong... Everyone tries to use me being in Iraq as an emotional excuse for it... I do accept that it was a different type of cheating but I don't use it as an excuse... I have learned from what I did and have made myself a better man because of it... I say it was a different type of cheating because it wasn't like I had a choice to go home to my wife or be with another girl... I would have never chose anyone over my wife.

You cheated period. You did have a choice and you made it. What if she cheated on you 'cause you were in Iraq and she was depressed? Would it be a good enough excuse for her to cheat on you?

I think the world of her and hate myself for letting my depression and physical desires take over me... I love her with all of my heart and can't even picture myself with another woman then her

Well you pictured your self with another woman at least once.

She isn't hiding the fact that I come over to her boyfriend... (she doesn't tell him what happens) but he knows that I come over to work on our relationship... and he knows this happens over and over every few weeks... why is he even putting up with that? He has nothing to lose... They've been together a few months... I have 7 years and 2 kids with her... THAT'S why I keep trying... I just don't understand...

It doesn't matter why he puts up with it. You wouldn't be in this situation if you had been thinking about the 7 years and two kids you had with her when you was screwing another woman.

Do I keep trying with her and getting hurt only to hope that one day she will finally ditch the boyfriend and come back to me?

Even if she ditches the b/f doesn't mean she'll come back to you. If you don't want her hurting you anymore than don't put yourself in a position where you are having sex instead of working out the problem. I suggest you give her space to deal with what you have done and go to a marriage counselor ( with her if possible).

How do I make her truly realize that I have changed and my actions were not me but just a form of depression and emotional pains of being in Iraq?

#1 give her space to grieve
#2 stop making excuses. Telling her you did it because you were in Iraq and depressed is giving her no assurance that you won't screw around on her the next time you get depressed or what ever.

What am I supposed to do when I am with her? How do I help her uncover the feelings that she used to have for me? I refuse to believe that she has no feelings for, but believe that they are just covered by anger, pain, and her new boyfriend...

Time and counseling.

I feel like she is using him as an escape to having to deal with getting over her pain... I have told her a million times how much I care for her... She tells me the KNOWS I am sorry for what I did... she KNOWS I regret it... and she even told me that she believes I have changed... but... why aren't we still togther then?

Because you screwed up...BAD! She is not going to forgive you till her heart is healed and she can trust you again. That may or may not ever happen. Though you may not know it, you are probably hurting her ever time she sees you. Give her space to heal. Don't talk down her b/f as she will figure you are basically saying that it was ok that you got some on the side but she shouldn't. Stop making excuses and go to a marriage counselor. If you are smart you will not mess with another woman while you are giving her that space. Let her know that you are there for her and you want to work it out when she is ready, but learn to keep it in your pants 'cause right now sex may only be making things worse. Sorry to be so cruel but I just can not comprehend any reason once so ever why anyone would let a few minutes of gratification destroy their whole life with a person they claim to love.You can't go the rest of your life trying to take back something you can't. At some point you have to say enough is enough and move on. That is completely up to how much time you're willing to give her and how much of her payback you can take before (if) she forgives you.

[KISS]

I totally agree with Chery "So, for now.. keep your body and emotions from her so that she will have time and a chance to miss them."

Think with the big head. Pretend your dating. Do fun things together. Leave sex totally out of the picture. The most she should get is a "hug".

She's doing what you did. She might be trying to make you feel what she felt. I don't think you want this relationship to be "friends with benefits.

Buy all means, don't jump. She needs to miss you. She runs on emotions and you on logic. Remember that. The little head runs on emotions. The big head on logic. Keep them in check.